The Archers

Don't ya hate it when your arrow catches on the rim of yer cap and you send it flying into the chest of a French man-at-arms ? boy did I feel naked. I can imagine just how weak and vulnerable you all must feel every day I pity you.

Do ya remember in the film Highlander , Connor MaCloud of the clan MaCloud (a bunch of wankers) stood amongst the battle with his sword drawn but no one would engage him ? well I felt a bit like that at the battle of Agincourt 1415 for you poofy civilians 1415 is a quarter past two in the afternoon, 2.15 pm if ya like.

Good King Henry # 5 had fought a tremendous season against the French, away matches can be quite stressful but he wanted the land and the nobles for ransom so he went out and got it by Jove.
On our way home all we were thinking about was getting on the ferry at Calais and getting pissed but the froggies wanted a re-match.

To rally the men Henry gave a great speech, he was always doing that, you couldn't even go onto the breach with yer dear friends and fill up the hole with our English dead without him rattling on about it. I don't know why but Irish and Welsh dead are not so filling.

The speech at Agincourt started as such. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers, after that my mind started to wander, he sure spits a lot when he rants, that Kenneth Branagh bloke had him pretty well from Northern Ireland ya know, Branagh not the king.

I always thought St Crispin's day sounded a little ghey, probably because of Christopher Biggins and Quentin Crisp, yes I had all these modern type thoughts I'm a fucking Time Lord ya know it says so on my blog, my Tardis looks like a garden shed, the graffiti and dog piss all over it totally detracts from its selling price.

So anyway I was an archer, one of the most fearsome weapons of the time, it really pisses me off when a historian who wants to get published tries to change the way you look at a historical event by making up a load of bollocks, were they there? no so fuck up.

The battle of Agincourt wasn't won because of the weight of the opposing armies crushing each other in a big muddy medieval mosh pit as some modern historians have claimed, it was won by me, well er the other archers did help too, we were out-numbered three to one our English or Welsh Longbows each launching 60 - 70 arrows a minute no smoke breaks allowed.

The French in a crazed man rape frenzy did indeed reach the English line and were fought off by the archers with hatchets and knives, well I missed that part as I was off having a smoke break, may that be a lesson to you all but I was shaken up after losing my cap.

When the battle was over we were fucking knackered, my right arm felt like the time when I got free porn on my cable by mistake and didn't change the channel for a week incase I lost it.

The next morning we went round and killed any wounded Frenchies that had survived the night. I managed to pick up some nice wee trinkets along the way and a rather bloodied cap. I was hoping to find a noble among the dead but that very seldom happens as they get ransomed and not killed its a rigged game alright.

I didn't stick around for the rest of the Hundred years war but I hear that crazy bint that heard voices from God in her head Joan of Arc was very hot, well she was when we burned her at the stake, fucking witch.