Forever Bitter

So TV executives are sitting spit balling ideas on TV shows and the boss says, "shows about immortal guys working as cops makes me hard, get er done." ... Great idea CJ ... marvelous, another genius idea ... that's why yer the boss.

Ioan Gruffudd plays the charming but English uber intelligent lead, with the deductive powers of Dr House and Sherlock but he's not a wanker. Judd Hirsch plays the token old guy who he adopted out of a concentration camp, there is also the hot female detective who will never compare to Ioan's true loves ... and so she is just a guy with tits. 
 
My name is Henry Morgan. My story is a long one. Something happened nearly two centuries ago, and I was transformed. My life is just like yours except for one small difference... it never ends. Over the years, you could say I've become a student of death. You see, I need to find a key to unlock my curse. So I currently work for the New York City Medical Examiner's Office. It holds the largest collection of slightly chilled corpses in the world. If your game is death, you go where the action is.

It's good that the US police lets their medical examiners out into the field so much and are very relaxed on procedure. Well it's good if yer an immortal or a serial killer working as a police forensics expert.  

My name is Ichabod Crane, I was enlisted in the Queen's royal regiment and sent to the American colonies to fight the patriots. It didn't take long for me to have a change of heart. In 1781 I died on the battlefield but I was saved by a mysterious spell cast upon me by my beloved wife Katrina. Now I've been awakened 250 years later and fate led me to miss Abigale Mills a young police lieutenant investigating baffling mysteries. We are now bearing witness to strange events and dark forces, they foretell that our realm is in danger and that the Apocalypse may be upon us .

I don't know if Ichabod is immortal or not but what a cool name Ichabod is, I want to name my next boy child Ichabod, I was going to go with Mr Pickles again but Ichabod it is. His female detective is a guy with tits as Ichabod pines away for his wife who was in purgatory but is now shacked up with the headless horseman ... a long story. 

Icky continues to dress like the 1700's because skinny jeans didn't do it for him and he continues to be confused about working his cell phone ... Hey who isn't?  The lass was in the movie Shame and got shagged by Michael Fassbender in the movie and in real life, a great scene ... is it odd that I've seen that scene many times but haven't watched the movie? 

It's a silly show, a fish out of water premise with end of times Gog bothering. I can just imagine Tom Mison who plays Ichabod reading the script and saying, "I was in Hamlet for fucks sake!"   Like most upper class English leads Ichabod has an Eidetic memory and so knows all the languages and facts which helps the plot along, unlike in Buffy and Supernatural and roller boy Stephen Hawking who rely on Google for their knowledge.       

 More like Forever Shite!

He was brought across in 1228, preyed on Human's blood . Now he wants to be mortal again. He repays society for his sins to emerge from his world of darkness, from his unending forever night. 

A TV show from the 90's that became popular because .... maybe there wasn't that must else like it then? Of course this vampire becomes a cop because cops don't go out during the day. It was lame, it was Canadian.
I don't care what you say but shows shot in Canada may be less expensive to make but you can always tell it's Canadian which spoils it a little, when they don't pretend and are set in Canada it also spoils it as what the fuck happens in Canada? Then you have actors trying to be American stereotypes but say aboot during their big scene.
  

Like the Highlander movies and TV show spin offs there are always flashbacks to former days which I find so boring but that's just me. Just a chance to wear wigs.  

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau was in a similar show to Forever, with the token old guy and the female detective ... but it got cancelled which is not cool. I could watch him in anything, including ghey porn, totally in ghey porn. I just cannot get over Scandinavian people (he's Danish, yes I could eat him) speaking better English than wot we talk.     


In 1642 John Amsterdam gave his life for a woman in return she gave him a gift, a gift that he would not grow old, he would not die until he was united with his one true love. Things change, technology, the economy, science, progress, all of it gets old except me. Now he's using lifetimes of experience to help others as a New York homicide detective. There's no where he hasn't been, there's nothing he hasn't done. While he brings closure to others lives, he's still searching to find closure of his own.       

So there is the chance he's done ghey porn then? 

 

No, I'm keeping him. He can be my token black dude and token old guy all in one.

Like a guy with tits .... no seriously she has a cock too, but she'll cost you extra. 

In 500 AD I awoke in puddle of vomit and someone else's blood. I had killed an old gypsy wizard who cursed me with his final breath. He cursed me with immortality, hey it could have been a lot worse like the herpes I managed to get myself. I am now Immoral .... er Immortal but because I didn't pay attention in school I cannot join the police or be a medical examiner working with a hot female detective so to make up for my sins I became a forever pimp. I treat my gurls good since most of them are my children and I will not rest until I find that pen I lost in 1994 cos it wrote very nicely and had a rubber grip and seriously pens don't just fucking well vanish .... in my world of forever bitter.  

Who the fuck would become a peeler solving crimes? Makes you wonder how many immortals there are in the police, must be a few as being immortal makes you a bit of a know it all. I won't say how old I was in 500AD, I've had a hard life, it's not as easy to make yer fortune as you think it is, I had all this gold and priceless works of art saved up then the fucking Yanks had to liberate them in 1944, the thieving gits.

 This guy is huge in the stock market.

After the crash of 1929 I keep all my stocks in a box under me bed, of course all those stocks have gone down. Being immortal would drive many a person insane, especially waiting centuries for a cure for Syphilis and after years of solitary confinement for crimes you don't even remember committing or when they change the law to trap you ... is it not legal to kill Native Americans anymore? I can't keep up.  Luckily Old Knudsen's mind has gone from strength to strength and he has become amazingly wise an shit.

  

The Archers

Don't ya hate it when your arrow catches on the rim of yer cap and you send it flying into the chest of a French man-at-arms ? boy did I feel naked. I can imagine just how weak and vulnerable you all must feel every day I pity you.

Do ya remember in the film Highlander , Connor MaCloud of the clan MaCloud (a bunch of wankers) stood amongst the battle with his sword drawn but no one would engage him ? well I felt a bit like that at the battle of Agincourt 1415 for you poofy civilians 1415 is a quarter past two in the afternoon, 2.15 pm if ya like.

Good King Henry # 5 had fought a tremendous season against the French, away matches can be quite stressful but he wanted the land and the nobles for ransom so he went out and got it by Jove.
On our way home all we were thinking about was getting on the ferry at Calais and getting pissed but the froggies wanted a re-match.

To rally the men Henry gave a great speech, he was always doing that, you couldn't even go onto the breach with yer dear friends and fill up the hole with our English dead without him rattling on about it. I don't know why but Irish and Welsh dead are not so filling.

The speech at Agincourt started as such. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers, after that my mind started to wander, he sure spits a lot when he rants, that Kenneth Branagh bloke had him pretty well from Northern Ireland ya know, Branagh not the king.

I always thought St Crispin's day sounded a little ghey, probably because of Christopher Biggins and Quentin Crisp, yes I had all these modern type thoughts I'm a fucking Time Lord ya know it says so on my blog, my Tardis looks like a garden shed, the graffiti and dog piss all over it totally detracts from its selling price.

So anyway I was an archer, one of the most fearsome weapons of the time, it really pisses me off when a historian who wants to get published tries to change the way you look at a historical event by making up a load of bollocks, were they there? no so fuck up.

The battle of Agincourt wasn't won because of the weight of the opposing armies crushing each other in a big muddy medieval mosh pit as some modern historians have claimed, it was won by me, well er the other archers did help too, we were out-numbered three to one our English or Welsh Longbows each launching 60 - 70 arrows a minute no smoke breaks allowed.

The French in a crazed man rape frenzy did indeed reach the English line and were fought off by the archers with hatchets and knives, well I missed that part as I was off having a smoke break, may that be a lesson to you all but I was shaken up after losing my cap.

When the battle was over we were fucking knackered, my right arm felt like the time when I got free porn on my cable by mistake and didn't change the channel for a week incase I lost it.

The next morning we went round and killed any wounded Frenchies that had survived the night. I managed to pick up some nice wee trinkets along the way and a rather bloodied cap. I was hoping to find a noble among the dead but that very seldom happens as they get ransomed and not killed its a rigged game alright.

I didn't stick around for the rest of the Hundred years war but I hear that crazy bint that heard voices from God in her head Joan of Arc was very hot, well she was when we burned her at the stake, fucking witch.