You Weren't There You Don't Know

Young and beautiful with so much life ahead of him ah where did all the years go to?


Around 1415 which to you civvies is 2.15pm or just after lunch if you will I was plodding across Northwestern France. I was on what I thought was an 18 - 30 holiday of piss-ups and drunken gurls or wenches as we called them then.

We attacked many Frenchie cities including Calais and I thought it was all just a bit of a laugh slicing up frogs with Stanley knives and shouting, "cum and have a go if you think yer hard enough" the French press called us 'Ale louts' and weren't very impressed with that aspect of British culture.

All that bread and cheese those foreign mongs eat got to a lot of us and we got dysentery and were weak but still when marching in formation you had better make an effort and get to the front or you'd be wadding through British arse soil .

We had fought the French and missed our boiled bland foods and ugly weemen so we headed back to Calais to catch the ferry. The frogs thinking they had a chance got in between us and dared us to a fight with taunts about our parents being hamsters and smelling of elderberries. It was that after a few farts in our general direction that king Henry V or just V to his friends said something like this.


We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here.

Ok it was longer than that but Shakespeare is just so boring and overrated, he was a Fenian you know but had to keep that hidden because of the Fenian cleansing as ordered by God himself. Not that I'm saying that Fenians are less than people oh no thats not it at all I'm saying they are less than a good Protestant's foot long turd, I'm sure you'd agree. They may have invented anal sex which is an excellent invention but they also invented pedo priests and frigid weemen.

What his majesty Mr V actually said was:

Good brave soldiers, they just called yer ma's dirty slappers, yer ma's may very well be dirty slappers cos I bucked them all last night but are you going to take that from Frenchmen who fuck with their faces and fight with their feet ?

Mr V knew what buttons to press in us for in our culture you can call yer mates mum a hoor and have a laugh about it but you fuck up anyone else who says the same thing. Its all very complicated.

We met the French at Agincourt, it is said that the battle was won by the skill of the British archers who used the 'longbow' but really it was won by 'Strongbow' which is an alcoholic cider drink we all chugged just before the fight to invoke our berserker rage.

I can remember the battle as if it was yesterday which is a silly thing to say as I can't remember what or who I did yesterday all I know is I woke up in a pool of blood and my dick was covered in shite and neither were mine for a change.

Oh my neighbour has lost his wee poodle mix, a little yappy grey thing if you cum across it.



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The Archers

Don't ya hate it when your arrow catches on the rim of yer cap and you send it flying into the chest of a French man-at-arms ? boy did I feel naked. I can imagine just how weak and vulnerable you all must feel every day I pity you.

Do ya remember in the film Highlander , Connor MaCloud of the clan MaCloud (a bunch of wankers) stood amongst the battle with his sword drawn but no one would engage him ? well I felt a bit like that at the battle of Agincourt 1415 for you poofy civilians 1415 is a quarter past two in the afternoon, 2.15 pm if ya like.

Good King Henry # 5 had fought a tremendous season against the French, away matches can be quite stressful but he wanted the land and the nobles for ransom so he went out and got it by Jove.
On our way home all we were thinking about was getting on the ferry at Calais and getting pissed but the froggies wanted a re-match.

To rally the men Henry gave a great speech, he was always doing that, you couldn't even go onto the breach with yer dear friends and fill up the hole with our English dead without him rattling on about it. I don't know why but Irish and Welsh dead are not so filling.

The speech at Agincourt started as such. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers, after that my mind started to wander, he sure spits a lot when he rants, that Kenneth Branagh bloke had him pretty well from Northern Ireland ya know, Branagh not the king.

I always thought St Crispin's day sounded a little ghey, probably because of Christopher Biggins and Quentin Crisp, yes I had all these modern type thoughts I'm a fucking Time Lord ya know it says so on my blog, my Tardis looks like a garden shed, the graffiti and dog piss all over it totally detracts from its selling price.

So anyway I was an archer, one of the most fearsome weapons of the time, it really pisses me off when a historian who wants to get published tries to change the way you look at a historical event by making up a load of bollocks, were they there? no so fuck up.

The battle of Agincourt wasn't won because of the weight of the opposing armies crushing each other in a big muddy medieval mosh pit as some modern historians have claimed, it was won by me, well er the other archers did help too, we were out-numbered three to one our English or Welsh Longbows each launching 60 - 70 arrows a minute no smoke breaks allowed.

The French in a crazed man rape frenzy did indeed reach the English line and were fought off by the archers with hatchets and knives, well I missed that part as I was off having a smoke break, may that be a lesson to you all but I was shaken up after losing my cap.

When the battle was over we were fucking knackered, my right arm felt like the time when I got free porn on my cable by mistake and didn't change the channel for a week incase I lost it.

The next morning we went round and killed any wounded Frenchies that had survived the night. I managed to pick up some nice wee trinkets along the way and a rather bloodied cap. I was hoping to find a noble among the dead but that very seldom happens as they get ransomed and not killed its a rigged game alright.

I didn't stick around for the rest of the Hundred years war but I hear that crazy bint that heard voices from God in her head Joan of Arc was very hot, well she was when we burned her at the stake, fucking witch.