Wednesday 1 April 2020

Last Will And Testicle

Why has Old Knudsen vanished from the face of the Earth? What has he been up to? Has his rash cleared up yet? What the fuck happened to Game of thrones in the last season?

All very valid questions. Old Knudsen had to go dark as his enemies descended on him all at once. Jesus didn't even have this level of persecution. Of course Old Knudsen prevailed but it was at a great cost. His sanity was almost taken away but with high doses of vitamin C and masturbation therapy Old Knudsen got better.

You may have seen Old Knudsen on the telly giving out Corvus-19 advice. Tae quote, "get personnel protection equipment like a half brick or a big stick, when getting lap dances cover yer war cry face. Don't lick strangers, only people you know. Many of you will lose loved ones but that isn't Old Knudsen's problem, cough near me and I'll deck ya cos I'm old and all."  

No idea why they stopped calling on me for advice, ach it's all politics. Just wash yer hands every week, stay at home , only going out for essentials like smokes, drink, hookers, crack and lotto tickets.

Being a former medical expert impersonator I came out of retirement to help test people for the Wu Tang Clan virus. They soon caught onto me though. I must say, the NHS has really stepped up security, Old Knudsen couldn't get near the meds. Ach it's a different less trusting werld now.

It's not all been doom and gloom. Old Knudsen's life isn't defined by a virus.

Old Knudsen ended his relationship with the beautiful Brenda from Florida which was a very good call. Especially for you ladies out there. How was Old Knudsen to know she was a fuckin nutter? ... yeah Florida should have been a red flag but when yer in love you go where yer ragin hard on takes you.

Brenda didn't believe what Old Knudsen told her and lead a cyborg assassin with an Austrian accent back to me. It nearly got me but with some quick thinking and a lot of Old Knudsen luck I banished the robot and Brenda to 2029  .... Ka-Chow! Don't fuck with a brabbler! I'll just have to be careful in 9 years in case Brenda has a grudge or something, you know what some folk are like.

I have begun dating again but long distance. Patricia a former Nigerian princess has captured Old Knudsen's heart. Once I pay off the ransom her evil uncle has set we'll be together. Brenda made me cautious to love again but this time Old Knudsen feels it's the real thing this time.

To live longer, Old Knudsen has quit the ciggies. Vaping is far more healthier. Plus nae yin can complain about a cloud of sweet strawberry being blown into their face. In order to not look like a fuckin pussy while I vape Old Knudsen has taken to dressing like Dr Who.

Old Knudsen will leave his blog online so the peeple can read as his 4,000 odd posts, like snap shots in time. Feel free to re-visit my stories which are funny as fuck, if you don't think so then you are wrong and deserved a harsh mocking and possible execution.

Look at all the predictions Old Knudsen got right. A couple of years ago Old Knudsen predicted Kirk Douglas dying. Where is he now? .... yep Old Knudsen called it. There is still a war to take place this year too, see former posts. I'm like Nostrildamus but hawt! 

I won't be reviving the lost art of blogging, take my gifts and be grateful we had this time in the sun. The werld is still under Old Knudsen's protection but he won't be bragging about it cos he's a fuckin hero.

All me enemies have been vanquished, time to make some new ones. Things to do, places to be, peeple to kill making it look accidental of course. You know the score. 


k said...

What the fuck?! How did I miss your retirement post old man? I miss bloggers and the wholesome good old days of your special Sunday whoreship and astute geopolitical commentary. I hope you are still on the job protecting humanity from its fucking idiot self because that magical thinking gets me through some harrowing days. Wishing you well with the dating. I still think Angela is the woman for you, but what do I know? Bonking the leader of the free world is a tremendous responsibility and you bore it well for so long. Live long and prosper Old Bitter Balls.

marky said...

Are you up with the times Old Knudsen? I'll look for you on FB. Yeah, that's the ticket. What are you 40 by now sitting there in Kansas? OK.bye.

HalfAsstic Krissa said...

Oh dear. I, wrongly, assumed you were dead. Clearly that venereal infection cleared up by itself.
Just curious, are you still compulsively licking every doorknob you come by?
I had a gift I made for you for Christmas around here somewhere... It's a handy little device I crocheted for your balls. I know they're giving you extreme trouble, getting all twisted around your knobby knees and all. This tiny gizmo I've made will hold the wee things up and you can tie it around your wee with a little bit 'o thread.
I'll try to find it and get it posted. Won't even need a business sized envelope.

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