Saturday, 5 May 2007

The Hairy Mind Of Old Knudsen

This tramp doesn't know it yet but he is the future.

I hid during the St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre. I cried at Sand Creek and again at Wounded Knee. I was disgusted at the Japs when they took NanJing and shook my head at how unprofessional the Yanks were at My Lai . I lead a team of crack mercenaries to Zimbabwe to destroy Mugabe's evil Fifth Brigade - a North Korea-trained unit responsible for the slaughter of thousands and if it wasn't for a lack of funds and a dentist appointment we would have succeeded. I weep in a manly warrior way for innocent dead people. Animals however who God did not see fit to give souls to can go fuck.

I was out jogging doon by the canal listening to Outcast on my MP5 player when I passed by the old animal testing plant. It only last year that I had a thriving business supplying dogs, cats, rabbits and the odd monkey to them for a fair price. I feel that being a hard working God fearing man brings me closer to the Almighty himself and reminds me of the time I worked in Edinburgh, providing cadavers to doctors for experimenting on, ah those where the days.



By pouring soap into Rabbit's eyes they have found a way to make dogs intelligent enough to tidy up parks, in fact this doggie is sooo smart he can shag yer leg in 3 languages.


Well some bitch on the local council complained when her dogs went missing and then some investigative reporter found it was happening all over Killamory so the research plant stopped buying them, it really pisses me off, you test kids at school so why not test animals? you know it makes sense.

Jogging past the plant I soon came to the bridge where tramps and winos like to hang out and sleep, those fuckers don't ask me for 20p when they see me they hide their alcohol then it came to me.

Olive oil is made from olives, Baby oil is made from babies so if I get a load of alcohol pickled winos and crush them to extract their juices I can get a new form of fuel to run cars on. I'll be rich. now what shall I call it? I know Trampoline© .

7 comments:

Momentary Madness said...

"unprofessional the Yanks were at My Lai": a slight under statement wouldn't you say.
"Pure and simple EVIL".
(Scott Peck: chief of psychology at the Army Medical Center in Okinawa, Japan, and assistant chief of psychiatry and neurology in the office of the surgeon general in Washington.)
He was chairman of a committee of three psychiatrists appointed by the Army Surgeon General, at the request of the Chief of Staff of the Army, to make recommendations for research that might shed light on the psychological causes of MyLai. The proposed was rejected by the General Staff of the Army, reportedly on the grounds that it could not be kept secret and might prove embarrassing to the administration and that "further embarrassment was not desirable at that time". (Chapter 6, "MyLai: An Examination of Group Evil")

Old Knudsen said...

Ach Paddy, boys will be boys.

ellie said...

A dog that cleans up its own shit! Pity they couldn't invite a child along the same lines.

Scout said...

You are truely a great entrepeneur (I'm not sure how to spell it, but I know what it means).

I predict Trampoline is the wave of the future.

Eddie Waring said...

The copyright for Trampoline is already owned by Dr. Ernest Trampoline, inventor of the Trampoline.

Old Knudsen said...

ellie dogs are smarter than pigs, dolphins are smarter than Lemurs and children taste like chicken.

Robyn I hope you know what it means and don't think it means twat or something.

Mr Waring you mean someone came up with the idea already?

Anonymous said...

Good God man, you never cease to amaze me. Sheer brilliance, I say!