A Quote From The Film Snatch

"You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity."

101 *true* things about Old Knudsen.

A picture from my younger wilder days. I dare you to do yer own 101, if you can.

1) Though my surname is not Scottish (its Danish) I am as Scottish as Robert the Bruce and actually have the surname Bruce in my family tree. (Robert the Bruce is descended from the bloody French)
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2) I've had more Blonde weemen than burnettes though I prefer burnettes, but used to have a thing for redheads.
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3) I've won more fist fights than I've lost.
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4) I have tried drugs though as most things in life didn't impress me greatly.
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5) As I get older the more people I meet the more I like my dog. My dog is a cunt.
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6) I cannot abide idiots even though I pretend to be dumb on a regular basis.
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7) I hate getting my balls tickled.
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8) My first ever job was baiting the crab and lobster creels for my father. He nicknamed me his chum as he always wanted to cut me up and throw me to the fish.
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9) I love the sea, even in a force 10.
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10) I have no fear of drowning or death itself but have a fear being burned alive.
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11) As a boy I used to be so shy that people would call me odd and strange I am now comfortable with that label, as normal is so dull.
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12) I was so shy I didn't kiss a gurl until I was 19, when I say kiss I mean above the waist and on the mouth.
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13) I masturbate several times everyday whether I need to or not . I see it as being as important as any form of exercise.
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14) I fear not being able to wank anymore.
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15) I say things like, instead condiments I said condom mints, I laughed for 12 minutes at that one.
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16) I am capable of 3 in the morning bravery (when things seem most desperate)
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17) When I am brave its like someone else takes over, later on I think what the fuck did I just do?
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18) I studied French and German and have now forgotten most of it through lack of use.
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19)In school my best subjects were Art and History, useless or what?
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20) Bullies and injustice really make me angry unless its a bad guy on the receiving end, but it never is.
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21) My favourite sexual position is a woman on top but she has to have the moves.
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22) I don't think about money or food very often but its always nice to have both.
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23) Every woman I have had sex with has climaxed, no really climaxed,no need to ask if she has or not , numb legs the heap I am a fucking stud.
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24) I hate the denist so I brush my teeth really well and never forget, sometimes I rinse with warm water as I like the feeling it gives me.
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25) I'm never instantly sleepy after sex but don't expect a cuddle.
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26) When I was a child we couldn't afford kilts and the like, me not knowing any better found a red tartan skirt belonging to an aunt, sister or mother I don't know. I put it on thinking it was a kilt and went up to see my friend, some older boys saw me and made fun of me lifting my kilt up to see what I had on underneath (yellow coloured y- fronts) I was so embarrassed I ran home.
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27) I should have died several times in my life, I hope my purpose for living isn't being the world's greatest blogger :::::yawn::::::
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28) I count my blessings everyday, there go I but for the grace of God.
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29) I learned fuck all at school and hated my time there and was caned far too often, though I wish I could write better to get my point across. How would an educated person say, "Away and suck donkey dick?"
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30) All I learned from being in the army was that I didn't like being told what to do by English twats, though I did learn how to kill Ka-chow!
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31) I've been to many places in the world but not for long enough to appreciate them or learn about the cultures. Just long enough to shoot the odd head of state and get out.
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32) I can not remember names, dates, facts or figures but if you wrong me I will never forget.
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33) I experimented with sucking cock and taking it up the ass for 3 years but decided it wasn't for me, thus I am not gay.
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34) I don't like people watching me eat or going to the toilet. (its all connected)
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35) I get annoyed when I have to repeat myself.
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36) For fuck sake are you not listening? I said I get annoyed when I have to repeat myself.
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37) I love weemen, not perfect air brushed weemen like in the magazines but real weemen, I love beauty but there are all different types of beauty.
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38) given the choice of going for brains or beauty I will chose brains as beauty fades and can get real boring.
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39) My penis is named "Kenny."
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40) When out at the shaps I like to touch the silky padded bras on display.
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41) I can see an old ugly woman but if she has a nice arse or baps I will check her out.
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42) My deep fat fryer is my most prized possession, its called "Fat Phil."
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43) I am a very good cook though I can't be arsed doing it.
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44) I fear someday I will run out of the will to say things on my blog rather than things to say .
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45) I hate being asked for my favourite anything as my mood and tastes change so much.
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46) If I was in a Slasher movie I'd stop running, turn and knock the fucker out. You know what I did last summer? I fucked yer Ma.
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47) When I see a shooting star I believe I'm on the right path in life.
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48) The older I get the more things I am able to appreciate like older films and music that I hated before.
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49) When I give my word I give you nothing but the truth and I won't let you down.
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50) I hardly ever give my word and only to those that deserve it.
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51) The day after being drunk I get the urge to drink vinegar and shoot my load (not at the same time) am I the only one?
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52) I hate being told what to do by anyone and will do the opposite because I'm a wanker.
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53) I believe that God is infallible except for Adam and Eve and the great flood and Sodom and Gomorrah, apart from that he is.
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54) I play the spoons, I only learned cos I heard that musicians get all the gurls, not true .
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55) Lemurs and their big bug eyes creep me out they all must die.
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56) I have an emergency stash of Devil's dandruff (cocaine) in my wooden leg incase the Russians nuke us.
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57) I'm a Roacher, that's means I will go through skips for something I can use or sell, another man's treasure etc.
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58) In 1987 I shot a man just to watch him die, there was nothing on the telly.
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59) I did have a total failure with one gurl I went out with, a year after we broke up I found out she had become a leezer I try not to dwell on the reasons for that.
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60) I feel bad for the Africans but don't think we should encourage them by feeding them,we have enough hungry people at home.
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61) I have family in Scotland, England, Northern Ireland, Cornwall, New Zealand, Canada and America.
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62) I have a dog that died while the Katrina and the waves song, "walking on sunshine" played on the radio, everytime I hear that song I think about poor wee nigger.
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63) I cursed Katrina and the waves after they killed my dog, the only thing they have done after walking on sunshine was win the Euro song competition, for you non-Europeans that's the most sad and uncool thing ever to win, yes my power "is" that great.
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64) I never liked the Gorillas from the Planet of the Apes film, they give me the creeps especially the very first time you see them with the horns playing etc.
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65) The name "Old Knudsen" is an alias I used when I was an assassin for Coca Cola. Its from a very famous book that was made into a very boring film.
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66) As a child the sandwiches I took for my school lunch were either, margarine and sugar or just salad cream. I laugh at kids today and their fat inducing lunchables.
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67) One high school I went to was a boys school situated under Mount Slemish, a volcanic plug sacred to St Patrick. The school has long since closed doon.
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68) I served in a military barracks situated under Mount Slemish and just beside an old closed doon high school. The barracks is to close in 2008.
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69) My favourite sexual act is receiving a good time via a blow job.
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70) My granny (on my mother's side) was a strict protestant woman but in the kitchen of her hoose tucked in away from plain view was an altar to the old gods . I grew up knowing both ways.
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71) My granny was struck doon in the prime of life by a car as she tried to cross a road, she was 93, the guy who walked infront of the car holding the flag was fired for incompetence we sued Henry Ford.
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72) I have had a fatal fascination for flags ever since my granny died, go on flag my blog.
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73) I believe in Global warming as much as I believed in the Ice age they were predicting 20 years ago. Hype and panic mongering bores me.
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74) I am a Winston Chruchill fan and have some things in common with him, mainly a dislike of mathematics, depression and being headstrong for action.
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75) The taste and smell of coffee revolts me.
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76) When I was a young man the gods asked me whether I wanted a short life full of fame and adventure or a long boring life in obscurity, I answered, "what was the middle part?"
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77) I hate having to read instruction manuals and like to work things out myself, action not words, deeds not promises.
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78) I am always surprised when people try to fuck me over for no good reason, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.
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79) Stories of rape and murder especially of weemen and children really really piss me off. I wouldn't lose any sleep if it was my job to execute pedos and rapists.
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80) The 18th century was a dry time for me. I actually went 4 months without having sex (with a woman)
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81) In 1066 at the battle of Hastings I was given a medal for hitting King Harold II in the eye with an arrow, I was aiming for his horse.
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82) I'm a better shot with a pistol than a rifle however if the target has a massive head like JFK I can't miss, that day I sold my cow for a handful of magic bullets and the rest is history. Ka-Chow!

I have a sister Patsy.

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83) When I joined the CIA wet works dept I thought it was about hot weemen pissing on me. My plan was to combine a hobby with a career.

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84) I get annoyed when people say the "Falkland conflict" wasn't a real war. I think that dishonours the memory of those Argentineans I cruelly tortured for information.

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85) I once had a Scheiser video of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun taken at Wewelsburg Castle but I lost it when I moved hoose.

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86) I sometimes like to be called "Rocket man"

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87) I was once a farmer and had to herd goats for 2 -3 hours a day while they munched in a field of grass and weeds. I'd sleep sitting propped up and work on my tan (it was in France)

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89) In 1989 I toured Germany with David Hasselhoff as his backing singer, that lad had real talent in a Des O'Connor/Don Johnson kind of way.

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90) Still with me? I suggested to Elias Ashmole that he should open a "Museum" as I liked to do brass rubbing. He replied saying I liked to do ass rubbing and we both laughed so in 1683 the Ashmolean Museum opened, sometimes I call people an "Ashmole" instead of "asshole" to keep his memory alive.

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91) When I was doing surveillance on then president Bill Clinton I infiltrated his oval orifice dressed as a woman, he came onto me but wiped it off incase it stained.

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92) My blue eyes are sensitive to the light and I don't like the smell of garlic, I think I maybe part vampire on my Da's side.

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93) I have 8 tattoos, if yer a hot gurl yer mission is to find them, the grenade on my penis that turns into a torpedo is an obvious well documented one and so doesn't count.

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94) I have seen what many people might refer to as ghosts but I've never seen an alien (they were behind me when I was being probed)

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95) I hate the taste of red wine but will drink it like its going out of fashion if its free.

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96) I have started to workout using cans of baked beans as weights, soon I shall look as muscular and ghey as Gerard Butler did in 300 when I don my speedo.

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97) I'm an avid gardener and prefer growing trees than flowers and veg. I look after the trees as they grow and they shade me when they are adult and look after me. Of course you'll always get the ungrateful one that wants to crush you, put you in a home and collect yer pension.

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98) If I could turn into an animal it would be a big fuck off bear (not a Panda or Koala) I'd become a crime fighting bear.

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99) I firmly believe that I should rule the world. I am very open to the needs of others however if you aren't with me yer against me.

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100) I worked in a factory making wire fencing and one time a large steel wheel fell onto my head cutting it open with blood pouring doon my face. A fellow worker in a panic wanted me to rush to the manager for help but I refused to run as that would seem undignified and bleeding in public was bad enough, don't worry it was only a glancing blow and I didn't suffer any drain bamage.

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101) The vibrations of diesel buses and passenger ferries give me erections, the Rosslare to Cherbourg ferry takes 19 hours, yes it is possible.

*truth is subject to perspective*

#33 is an in joke, no really it is.
#96 the workout is a lot better after you eat the beans.

Take the Knudsen challenge and do yer own 101 random facts about yerself, if you dare.

I Got A Loan From The Spank Bank.

If I don't get awards for this post then there is no justice in the world.

* I'm not one for the objectification of weemen* (even though the japs all look the same to me and not really people, ask a POW) but really if yer going to get yer picture taken get out of bed and put on some matching unmentionables that I won't even mention.

Does beauty fade? is it in the eye of William Holden? if its skin deep then theres a lot of hot fat people out there and we don't even know it.

I don't put the words "young" and "hot" together I put the words "young" and "stupid" together.

She just happens to be young and hot, leave the poor gurl alone.

Beauty doesn't fade it just changes, it can always be there in some form even if the physical form of it has given up years ago. Go to the plastic surgeon and get yerself airbrushed or go find some deeper meaning to yer existence than just being a human ornament.

I like beautiful people but just to look at as the courts deemed it not suitable for me to touch them anymore. Usually they are boring as fuck so just sit there and look good, who laughed when they first heard David Beckham squeak, er I mean speak? ha! there is a God.

He reminds me of a ghey Christian Bale type whose balls haven't dropped yet.

Helen Keller who was that chick that bent the spoons once said:

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched ... but are felt in the heart.

I have no idea what she was on when she said that but hearts don't give me the horn. Only a cardiologist would tug the lad or double click her mouse to "Heart transplant monthly" as would a Proctologist get off to "Bungholes digest." Never mind ear, nose and throat, I'd be a "tits and ass" Doctor.

The paediatrician is ready, fucking pedos.

I've heard the brain is the largest sex organ, well that explains psychiatrists those sick fuckers and their brain bukkake films , does that mean people with smarts are better in bed? as Padma Lakshmi and sir Salman Rushdie are getting divorced ya both aren't so clever now (Padma call me)

Two very intelligent people, one is however vastly better looking than the other. I'll leave that determination to you, its just a matter of perspective.

I'd rather be dumb with a big dick and great technique than over educated with a cocktail sausage between my legs and know that the Magna Carter isn't a bloody Michael Caine film but not know that the Willy goes into the Wendy (well most times it does)

I'm happy being intelligent (compared to what?) and having a huge penis but its a cross to bear, you give yer lady friend 10 orgasms every night for a year and one night you only give her 5 (due to having a wank earlier in the day because sometimes you just have to) and she thinks you don't love her any more or have lost yer edge. Yer only as good as yer last multiple orgasm. I'm sure you all have been there or know someone that has a friend who has been there, well you know me but don't go thinking I'm yer friend ya cunts.

The sweeping statement used by ugly weemen is that "pretty gurls can't fuck" I suggest you take this challenge pretty gurls of the world and shag me at once but who am I to judge? as I have been asked many a time, oh yeah I'm a "Judge" I became one via the Interweb and I won't charge ya for the pleasure.

Can you spot what shes doing wrong? god love her I had to spend hours with her just teaching her how to shower, I'm like the horse whisperer for bimbos. Now if I could only get her potty trained, I don't mine it on my chest but sometimes I fall asleep and wake up with what looks like an assplosion in a fudge factory.

*maybe I am, objectification and self-gratification go hand in hand or is it hand over fist?*

Shambo Died For Somebody's Sins But Not Mine

What kind of mong worships and doesn't eat cows? have you ever tried to milk a bull? they put up a hell of a fight and don't even produce half a cup.

In Wales which is a God forsaken part of the UK where men are men and sheep are fucked in the arse like it was going out of style theres this wee hippy commune, well I've seen the dopey buggers on the news chanting and banging drums with beads around their necks.
I'm Not one to disrespect the culture or religion of someone else but is Hinduism a real religion? it looks rather odd to me, where is the dull monotone droning of the congregation as they plod through " Abide with me" that can be made to sound just like 30 other hymns if played and sung dispassionately enough?

Well this sect or whatever you want to call it have this sacred bull named Shambo which is a bit close to sambo a name we used to call the Johnny black fellas that carried our supplies in Africa, not very PC for todays tastes I'd think. Anyway this neo-nazi cult of peace loving swastika wearing Hindu types with their big black sambo the bull that they worship, have decided to disobey the Queen's laws and make a scene which is just not on.

Like in the porn industry (when I worked in it) you had to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases before you were allowed to work. Well everytime before they deflower a virgin or the priest swallows the sacred jizz ,Shambo has to be tested and it was found that he had gonorrhea as passed to him by his followers. More importantly it was found he had TB.

Don't go blaming badgers for that he was probably given it by an infected drum basher just off a TB ridden flight from India or America.

The Hindu monks refused to give up the bull and when peaceful means didn't work a lot of kung fu kicks and leaps kept the Welsh police at bay, those poor peelers they just wanted to go home and shag their lawfully wedded sheep.

Shambo was taken when the police in excessive numbers swarmed the temple and took him off to be slaughtered much in the way the Jews had the Romans do to Jesus.
Yes Shambo is the new Jesus though leaner and more tastier than ever, 100% prime Shambo.

Don't worry folks he'll rise again when hes made into dog food and cattle feed by accident .

Hero Of The Week.

He may look about 12 but really hes 22 in September and a real life action hero.

In July 2006 L/Cpl Nicholas Coleman who was 20 years old at the time was on patrol in Iraq when his unit of the Devon and Dorsets (now The Rifles) were ambushed by the Sandsavages.
Coleman gave first aid to two of his wounded men and then led an attack on the insurgents, after getting the unit back to safety they were mobbed by yet more ungrateful Iraqis who tried to pull two injured corporals out of their vehicle. Coleman fought hand to hand with these camel rapers thus saving the Cpls though the patrol commander, Cpl John Crosby later died of his wounds.

Coleman was flown to Germany and given the Military Cross by Prince Charles, he'll be given a civic reception in his home town of Plymouth (one of my old port of calls) if he ever had any trouble getting his hole there after this he won't.

Well done lad, usually you only hear about the negative parts of this war like the excessive cost ,ugly weemen and people losing their heads over nothing which makes us forget about the heroes fighting it. One so young too and being a Lance jack for only 8 months now that's potential. Modest also he insists he was simply doing "what he signed up for".

Rough Trade

Vicious cruel animals out to rape and pillage, anyone that thinks a Pirate is cool obviously has had a soft and pampered life without the threat of a coxswain up yer galley.

A while back the English were getting all uppity and brought out this navigation act which meant they would only import and export with English ships, just another kick in the head as I saw it. I lived in Dundee then and though the ship I was on "The Lusty" had its salted fish and meat all ready we had to Winter out in the harbour until spring as we were then forced to trade with the dirty French on the continent.

The French were and are a strange people, if any out there are reading this then explain yerself at once. Drunk driving seems to be a national sport over there and the things they eat, almost as bad as the Spanish (who are just primitives) the French eat, horses, snails, frogs and little babies, due to a recent law forbidding this as the birthrate is low over there they have substituted babies for puppies and kittens.
I wouldn't lie to you. I may suffer from moods swings and depression but that's because of my chemical imbalance, yes I know I should give up sniffing chemicals.

One winter when money was extra tight, the wife (Agnes) and three of the children had to take on several jobs each. Me not being a man who shirks responsibility also took on a job. I became the manager of "The Seaman and the Wench" a lovely wee pub near my beloved North sea. I was the manager in charge of acquisitions, evictions and pickled eggs. I had to acquire the empty glasses from the tables and return them to the bar, I also had to evict unruly clientele but my favourite job was making the pickled eggs, who ever thought of putting hard boiled eggs into vinegar is a genius .

Ok my job title wasn't an actual manager but I felt like a sort of "people's manager" and true I didn't actually get paid, I got a pint for every hour worked and all the dregs left over in the glasses that I could drink , this did take the strain off financially as my bar bill was usually quite high at the end of the night and I didn't want my lovely wife to have ta get a third job, I mean I wasn't getting any of the hot loving as it was.

I gained some level of fame sorting out the unruly rabble we called customers, the trick is to make sure they are plenty drunk but to get them before they finish their drink so you'll have a wee dram they didn't finish after the expulsion. Captain Morgan came in one night and I don't know if you've ever met him but hes a strange lad who slurs his words and says "savvy" a lot, I had enough of that cunt and his Sassanach sayings and was just looking for an excuse to throw the wanker out then it came. We had a no smoking policy (ahead of our time you could say) so when Morgan lit up the wee braids on his beard to show off I grabbed him by the bucklar and flung him towards the door at speed, he straightened up and said, "I didn't deserve that" and drew his sword, we had a comedy sword fight and ended up running away from a sea monster, I don't know I was confused when a thick haar came in off the sea, no a thick haar isn't a dopey hoor its a fog from the North sea.

Captain Morgan, to be honest I don't see the attraction and really don't like him.

People are mongs, that's my conclusion, I hate the way something is taken made into a film with action figures and video games aimed at teenagers and younger taught to enjoy the violence the cool outfits and action and don't think about anything else because they haven't been told too.

It has gotten to the extent that villains are revered and they aren't interesting ones either just one dimensional characters, like the heroes but evil, I'd rather be Lancelot than Mordred any day given the choice. That sort of depends on how hot Guinevere and Morgan Le Fay are I suppose, yes I know Le Fay was Mordred's Ma whom he shagged but it was a different world back then.

This Pirate lass and her crew of firm tittied cut-throats want you to have bumsex with them or its "spank the plank" not so funny now is it?

Disney has taught teens all they need to know about Pirates but because it was all a few hundred years ago the crimes and violence are cool but if you go to a fancy dress party with a swastika on yer arm you're accused of being insensitive, I don't think 80 year old survivors will be at the party. It shows you what time does, in 1878 Wigan pier collapsed killing 200 but who cares or remembers ? that was 1878 and those weren't real people because it was so long ago, just like the Pirates or worse still the victims of their actions.

I think its time to make a film about those who hunted doon the Pirates and hung them, they are the real heroes.

Pirates of today carry, M-16s, P-45s, Ub-40s and Ak-47s.

Lets take the worst of the worst from a maximum security prison and give them a Royal Navy Frigate to sail and watch as they rape and murder all the men, weemen and children they come across on their travels and hey because its bound to be cool lets make a film about it but make the hero a silly looking drunk hollywood hunk that wouldn't really do anything bad, yeah right he'd be a captain for 2 minutes.

I looked at a Jack the Ripper site, the comments I saw had to be from teenagers or sad fuckers that forget they are old, if you write like this and yer over 15 then I pity you:

OMG I LOVE THE FEEEEELLLLLL OF BLOOD ON MY HANDSSS!!!!!!.

I hate it when people write like that, caps means you are SHOUTING shut the fuck up and restrain yerself, maybe if ya didn't wank over the keyboard so much it wouldn't stick.

Killers are not kewl nor are they rad, I myself have sworn off the practice no matter what Ned tells me to do. I have a point to make here, I'm not sure if I made it clearly or not. These twats will help me make it.

A Johhny Depp Fan wrote:

I know everything about jack the ripper! ha ha

Crackerlover wrote:

I LOVE JACK THE RIPPER!!!!!

Queendarkness wrote:

i reall y like learning more and more about Jack the ripper, i think he's real cool even though he was a killer but hey thats what makes him cool right?

emoidle wrote:

i think jack the ripper rules i want to be just like him killing and all

Luciansblade wrote:

i am very inter seted in what this page has to say. All you Jack the Ripper fans i got one thing to say HE STILL LIVES!!!

tom wrote:

coooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death,
who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears,
I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

What Would Jesus Do?

The End Of Old Knudsen As We Know It?

Baby Spice gives us a taste of whats to cum and I respect her as a person for the lifestyle choices shes made but never for the music.

Old Knudsen has been thinking the last couple of days and now he has finally cum to a decision. I am going to delete my blog/blogs. Its been good for nearly a year but now I've had it.
The main reason for the deletion would be because those blogs I am deleting will be merged to make Old Bitter Balls 2.0 . Yes I'll be bigger, harder and more full of seamen......................tales to intrigue delight ,and disgust.

On my other blogs I've got stuff that no one has caught, maybe a few desperate lonely bloggers read so I've decided to release them, repeats mixed with new stuff, revamped and rehashed like a Hollywood film that people are gagging to go and see. The only thing is I don't care if people cum to see it I want this to be fun for me otherwise why would I do it?

From now on there will be correct grammar and punctuation, even the spelling will improve, are ya believing any of this? nope, well good as that part is total lies, sounds like work that does. There will be funny stuff, stuff that I think is funny but no one else does, pictures of beautiful weemen and scabby cocks, serious stuff, quotes and poetry I've used on other blogs and anything I can think of and want to post, if I want to do a post on Mini Mart from the Austin Powers films having sex with weemen in comas then I shall and it shall be good, well for me.

I won't have comments on all my posts because if I just write, "people who like Gray's anatomy, Harry Potter and East Enders are mongs" its not open to discussion its merely true.

Not because of certain spammers I have already named who are trying to spoil the fun of others while at the same time commenting on yer blogs being nice to yer faces pretending nothing is wrong but because I don't have the time to answer all the comments I get, I am trying to get my modeling career back on track again and a new line of swim wear out into the shops for winter.

I have posted in less than a year enough posts that lesser er I mean other bloggers would take 3-4 years to do. I need to be slack like everyone else and only post whenever I can be arsed. I have a lot to say but I need to be arsed saying it. The great blogger "Blogger McGee" won't be happy with what I'm doing but if he doesn't like it he can start paying me to entertain him. Anyway he deleted all his blogs so what does he know?

Vladimir Putin, stop being a twat, whats all this shite yer on about with Colonial Britain and yer glad that Russia wasn't one of Britain's colonies? Britain wouldn't have you, only nutters like Hitler and Napoleon would want yer shitty cuntry, woo hoo you are bigger than us but you don't scare us, Nazi Germany underestimated Britain too, its our nature to take on bigger blokes because if we see a cunt we'll call you on it no matter how big you are.

I read this: "Maddy McCann's father is in the US, he has traveled the globe looking for his missing daughter."
Fuck this makes me sick, hes traveled the world on an extended holiday as paid by a fund to find her. 3 hours is the life expectancy of an abducted child and there is usually 2 hours until the police get called, its been 83 days now, sure don't ever give up but the Vatican, expensive hotel rooms and police stations in the US are not the places you should be looking (the Vatican only likes boys)

Trouble again in Northern Ireland, this time Prod against Prod, c'mon lads of the UDA work out who is allowed to sell what drugs and where and get on with it.

Old Knudsen is back, if ya don't like it then fuck off and if you do like it then you've got some need to be a victim issues and need to get help.

Poor Wee Kenny Has Met His Snatch.

Last week I met this lovely Gurl named Nancy at the health centre. I was in because my right elbow was making a squeaking sound which was very off putting when I'm tugging the lad and is a dead give away when I'm doing it all sneaky like in public, she wouldn't go into detail as to the reason she was there, I asked if it was "woman's trouble" and she said it was, that's all I needed to know, a woman can talk for hours about the state of her stench trench.
I should have made more of an inquiry when I heard she was from Arbroath. Two things cum from Arbroath. Smoked kippers, Arbroath FC and hoors, hold on make that three things. Nancy wasn't hideous and did actually smell a little like smoked kippers which I found to be quite arousing but whats more important is that she laughed at my jokes and had a willingness to get naked.

Being a gentleman I wasn't going to jump the gurl on the first meeting no matter how much she begged me to (I get that a lot) so we went for a delightful walk in the park and we had a dry hump against an Beech tree.
Am I the only one that gets turned on by the sight of a smooth pale Beech tree stretching into the sky like a naked body?

Heres where I get all technical and computery, a week later and I haven't called Nancy up because I'm trying to keep her keen, besides is that a 3 or a 5 in her number? I then notice I have warts all over my hard drive and my laptops I think I might have VDU but who the fuck uses a MAC for a dry hump? I'm not pissing razor blades I'm pissing electric shavers cords, plugs and all .

Well I'm off to the city for a shot of Pentium® 4 so don't wait up. I am just going outside and may be some time.

Standing On Giant Shoulder Pads.

Isaac Newton was a mathematician, philosopher, astronomer, interior designer ,romp ranger and creator of the Fig Newton . He invented the reflecting telescope, saw pretty colours in prisms and came to the realisation that apples fall doon and not up. Yeah he was a bit of a mong. Water is wet, there you go even I can state the obvious, as for that *telescope thing how many of us use that on a regular basis? like algebra,* whats the fucking point ?

Newton came to his startling discovery of falling Apples in the year 1666 which was the year of the great fire of London which as we know was started in Pudding lane by none other than "Satan" the apple was the tool that the Devil used with the help of the weaker minded female Eve to tempt the misogynistic Adam into sinning against God, all the while Lilith was off having dirty demon gang bangs too busy to worry about the fate of humankind being in the hands of the dumbest couple alive, well the only couple alive unless you count Adam and Steve that lived doon Babel street but there was something not right with those two, frilly fig leaves indeed.

Not that I'm saying that Newton was in league with Satan but what if I am? Satan works for God right? and so by setting the fire, getting rid of the plague he was doing God's work as he works in miss hairy ass ways so all those skinny goths dressed in black and saying the Lord's prayer backwards will be the only ones going to Heaven,
Shit how did I cum up with that? I really scare myself sometimes, religion is like the Blogosphere you just don't know what is true and who to believe, well except me, you can trust me, well except for one of my readers who told me something in confidence about the ghey bar they mistakenly walked into thinking it was a biker bar, that story needs to be posted.

Newton was well into alchemy, now theres a job you don't see much of these days, thanks to all the giant impersonal supermarkets , alchemists and milkmen both dying breeds. Newton was also heavily into dance and bible interpretation , using numbers and arriftmathics a drunken chicken and the Book of Daniel he calculated the date for the Apocalypse. No fucking shit, he was actually trying to cum up with a good excuse not to a Saturday night shift at Halley's Burgers and Grill , you'd think it burning doon in the great fire to be a good excuse but that Halley was a cunt and his ever popular comet burgers were made no matter what.

The conclusion that Newton came to was that the world would end no earlier than 2060 it may end later but not sooner so he ended up doing his shift and got a nasty burn from the fryers.

Some Yank called Johns Hopkins says, "By 2050, 1 in 85 persons worldwide will have Alzheimer's disease," so its not like anyone is going to remember Newton by then, or where they live.

Newton also predicted the Jews would return to the Holy Land before the world ends, the return of their captivity and their setting up of a flourishing kingdom, so Hitler by doing the Devil's work he was also doing Gods work as the fate of the world seems to be sealed anyway so no need to worry about the Global Warming boogie man.

Fucking Jews and their foreskin cutting ways, I knew they were trouble when they killed the son of God.

In line with those predictions I cast me rune stones and I foresee an all out hoose to hoose battle against Hamas, sponsored by Coca Cola and once the trouble makers are all gone a puppet Palestinian government will be set up run by Israel with a view to out-breeding and squeezing out the rest of the Palestinians, I'm not too worried about the Sandsavages, a comet will be cuming 2059 (if I can still remember about it by then) to pick me and all my friends up, so yeah its really just me going to be me going then ............ cunts.

*Its a rhetorical question but if you do use both or one of these regularly go to the job market and get a real job ya poof. *

People Who should Be Sterilised # 1

Polyp Fiction

The fate of America was safely in the hands of Dick Cheney as doctors removed five small growths from President Bush's colon, the surgery took 31 minutes during which time Bush was asleep but responsive so no change there to his normal state.

Doctor Nick the head surgeon during the operation said, "we didn't find any WMDs heh heh but we did find plenty of ass juice, fucking gross."

In 1985 Reagan was another arsehole with problems when he had colon cancer surgery, he handed the reigns to daddy Bush at the time for 2 hours who took the opportunity to fuck with the old dementia suffering monkey lovers mind by moving the stuff on his desk around, fucking ex CIA and their mind games .


George W and Laura prepare to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when George farts and says, "Seven Points."

Laura rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

George replied, "It's fart *football*."

A few minutes later Laura lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes George lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7 bring it on."

Not to be outdone, Laura rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on George . He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he shits in the bed.

Laura says, "What the hell was that?"

George says, "Half time, switch sides."

*not real football (soccer) American football to name it correctly, only Yanks would call it "foot"ball and use their hands most of the time.*

Never Mind Harry Potter Will This Post Ever End?

Meet Dr Congo the man responsible for all the recent spammings. Observe his stiffy as he writes this:

"I am clever knudsen you are a fucking idiot.soon you be gone and me be happy.you may have bested me when when dueled at Niagara falls but now I win with my spam of doom. I hurt your feelings like a puppy in a trash compactor."

It goes on for a bit and I vaguely remember him from Niagara, I thought he was dead. I was lazy and stingy and didn't double tap him, hey bullets are expensive. I was able to get this picture from my contacts in the CIA and Torchwood, just moments later he was called doonstairs by his mother for his dinner, sources report he still didn't put any clothes on, oh and for the record Old Knudsen is bigger doonstairs if you know what I mean and I don't mean my dinner.

A reminder.

I do Satire not Satyr . Horned deities of the wild who followed the gods Pan, Dionysus , Bacchus and Iggy Pop. they loved music, drink and human weemen, hey who doesn't ? St. Jerome wrote of a Satyr that was captured alive in the reign of Emperor Constantine, it lived in Greece until it died. Aldrovandus a medieval writer said there were many still living in Ireland which goes a long way to explain Niolk ........BAM!
A Satyr can also instill fear and terror into the unsuspecting traveler and the name Pan goes towards making the modern word panties for which we give him thanks especially white cotton panties stretched to capacity across a woman's ample behind, um what was I saying? oh yeah the Greeks and the Irish must of fucked goats, *hey have you seen their weemen?*

"What do ya reckon Jim?" "Um Ted I think its dead."

Scientists found a 40,000 year old fully intact baby mammoth. Firstly I don't believe in science and secondly anything over 5000 years old was planted by Satan, do I look like I came doon in the last shower?

Where is this post going?

No where fast I believe. Its July 21st which is national end a post with some old guy spanking a hottie day, c'mon get with the spirit.

Scott Caan, one of the few Scotts that doesn't wear a kilt, but fuck doesn't he look and act like his Da James?

*I will burn for this remark but its all just a bit of craic I love the Celtic woman.*

Do I Have To Think Of Everything?

Mariane Pearl the widow of Daniel Pearl the journalist who was executed by Al-Qaeda (who are also the cowards behind my spamming) is suing the fuck out of several Pakistani banks who have financially funded the terrorist group. A very American thing to do but this time its ok unlike cases of whiplash and the trauma of lost dry cleaning. In a moment of clarity just as the drink was wearing off me and my painkillers started to kick in I realised what was needed for the messiah to come again and to save the world from evil.
Ms Pearl needs to hook up with John Smeaton who tackled terrorists at Glasgow airport while on his smoke break and they need to fornicate and produce a child,who would become the ultimate defender against Al-Qaeda. The child named Soren (after me) would be the master of small claims courts everywhere, Osmama would dread the court appearances as he would cum to fear the second hand smoke little Soren would blow in his face.

I still have some contacts in the CIA , we'll get the black helicopters, er sorry helicopters of colour and we'll lock the two of them up in a secret torture base in Europe until they do the nasty. Smeato being Scottish will no doubt be up for it and once Mariane hears the accent and looks under his kilt (don't all Scots wear kilts?) she'll be gaging to make a wee bastard. Yes I am aware the child may be a gurl, well they'll keep doing it until they get it right, no offense to any weemen reading this but the rules do say "Son of God."

A Waste Of Air # 1

Its Friday and I don't give a fuck, you know why? cos tomorrow I'm going to a friend's wedding and I'm going to get totally bluttered at the reception, or was it a funeral? you know he wasn't really much of a friend but at the wake or reception which ever one it is there will be lots of free drink.
Here is my second post today, scroll doon for the tits and tell me if you think they're real.

I have decided that the Baldwin brothers are a waste of time and should be destroyed. I used to like Alec as hes a good actor with great comic timing but he turned out to be just a prick, have you seen Malice? that's a good film a doctor who thinks hes God, surgeons wankers the lot of them. He looks like a bully that has to work at appearing nice to me, he exudes arrogance.
Billy is a tosser because he makes crap films and is a Baldwin I never liked him from the first and I usually have good instincts like that, I must be part dog . Daniel or "fat Baldwin" as I call him is a failed actor now on the reality show circuit, hes just out of rehab and wants to tell everyone about it, he'll no stay sober for long. He gets wasted and becomes a nasty piece of work just so self absorbed ready to take you doon with him.
Stephen Baldwin is a work of art, he did one cool film "the usual suspects" former coke head and threesome with a thong on his head kinda guy hes a born again Christian and not one of the quiet smug ones, he wears crosses and T-shirts with jesus logos, he doesn't know any scripture or any of the commandments but that doesn't matter to him because he doesn't think you have to know anything about the subject as long as you wear religious bling, just like after the film "The Craft" came out all the teenagers called themselves witches cos they saw the movie and had a pentagram and black clothes.To paraphrase Stephen and his words of wisdom he once said," there had better be a God because if there isn't then hes gonna have to answer to me Stephen Baldwin." He has a book called, "The usual suspect" quick go out and don't buy it now.

Toy Friday

Now too old to play Bond and having seen what it did for the careers of Ringo Starr and Alec Baldwin Pierce Brosnan has signed on to narrate Thomas the Tank Engine. The 2 set DVD "Thomas does Moscow" will be released in August 2008. Brosnan was excited about the project when he heard that Thomas will be darker and more edgey.

Thomas is recruited by the CIA when its discovered that Sir Topham Hat (code named The Fat Controller) is a sleeper agent for the Russians.

In a bid to boast sales one of the engines will die in an horrific explosion also Thomas and Percy satisfy their curiosity about homosexuality in a steamy steam engine way. Annie and Clarabel, Thomas' carriages will have their roofs removed and will go topless for the first time.

Old Knudsen reviews potential top Christmas sellers

Fucking shite!

Sex dolls with realistic nagging, this one had me spending most of my time at the pub and didn't have me dinner made when I staggered home and just lay there lifeless as I um made love to her with a bored expression on her face, great for the single man afraid of real commitment and to make sure he stays that way.

A Life At The Movies

"Luke don't use the middle one, stay away from Vader's dark side. "

I havn't gone to the cinema much in my life compared to most people, the annoying piano music that accompanied the films really did my head in also sitting in a crowd of selfish people who objected to me talking, cheering, smoking, coughing and masturbating throughout the movie, what a bunch of nazis. Anyway working class people have to work to hold on to their class status by working so I had no time for the talkies.
Here is what I would rate as my top 5 movie mistakes to go and see.

Return of the Jedi and Superman 3 (1983) Ok there are 2 films here but I saw them back to back and they could of very well merged into one. I hadn't seen the other movies that led up to these movies but its not like you needed to the blanks filled in as these were mong proof.

Star Wars is just so silly, guys dressed like Sandsavages or dirt bike riders in space, Luke and the Princess were mingers but I totally wanted to see some incest, and what a family resemblance a Jewish princess and a Californian surfer type and whats with the ghey English robot ? is that how the world sees the English? fair enough I suppose, everyone in space is either a Yank , Brit or a bit of rubber.

Kirk would have nailed Leia and then dumped her just to show he could, anyway Hans Solo is the perfect name for a lonely wanker.

Superman got horny in the # 3 film and also turned bad , then he had to fight with his bad side, yeah yeah I get it a Protestant wrote the film, then Superman being a cheap fucker crushed a bit of coal to make a diamond for an engagement ring to get into some hoors panties. When he fucks does he super fuck? is there a bloody stump left afterwards? no wonder he doesn't spend any money on a ring. What about Mr Kent's citizenship? the man is a fucking alien who sneaked into the cuntry from space, Reagan was right about building a Space wall. Truth, justice and don't ask me for my Greencard way. Could Lois Lane get anymore minging? did they not have teeth whitener back in the 80's?

Days of Thunder (1990) This was before Tom Cruise turned evil, at the end of this film I felt as if I had been standing in traffic for nearly 2 hours , you couldn't tell what anything was it was a blur of cars and what about the 6 foot tall hot female doctor falling for a 4 foot tall car driver oh c'mon Tom's character was a stupid twat.

StarGate (1994) I came out of the cinema with sand in my crack. Kurt Russell played an uptight action man with a chip on his shoulder, not much acting going on but far better than MacGyver in the series when he took on the role. The best thing in the film was when Russell was fighting one of the bodybuilder guard drag queens and said as he killed him," Give my regards to King Tut asshole" and that was the best bit.What ever happened to the gurl from the Crying Game who was also in that? she was hot.

The Jackal (1997) Bruce Willis dons bad disguises as an international hit man and Richard Gere dons a bad Irish accent when Hollywood portrays an IRA man as a hero. I should write blurbs for films. A lot of bad panning in on faces camera shots as bad guy and good guy recognise each other across a crowded street. Willis did kill Jack Black which is good in my book but he also snogged another man in a bar. I have nothing against gheys as long as I don't have to watch them at it even though he did kill the fella before the intercourse, this was the hero of the Nakatomi Corporation building incident . Next you'll tell me my other heroes like Rock Hudson , Cary Grant and Liberace were fudge packers too.

The world is not enough (1999) I went to see this as my friend was into Bond :::yawn:::: Pierce Brosnan was a good Bond though when they get old they over dye their hair and you end up looking stupid like Ronald Reagan. Denise Richards was hot then before Sheen got his syphilitic dripping dick near her. She played a nuclear physicist in short shorts, looking very Tomb raiderish but way too dumb to pull of a role as a person with smarts. Sophie Marceau the French bird from Braveheart was the villain, she tried to tempt Bond into shagging her and becoming a bad guy, Bond in a ghey moment turned her doon and said the movie title" the world is not enough" if only the film was called "suck my cock" then it would be better. Robert Carlyle was the invincible henchman that does the serious hand to hand fighting for the villain the designated fighter if you will, if you don't expect too much from a film except explosions and improbable plots then you must be a Bond fan.

So little Timmy you want to start up a Blog?

A Guide To Starting Up A Blog.

Meet little Timmy, he wants a Blog like all the other adults, he was too much of a pedo for MySpace if thats possible so now he wants to share himself with you. Well some of you, the more lonely and vulnerable of you.

The first thing you need to do is find the right blog for you. Reach doon and feel yer balls, no here let me, you see you dress to the right so therefore yer side bar should be on the right. Ladies look to see which one of yer tits is bigger than the other if the right one is bigger then yer sidebar should be on the right. If you have any trouble deciding please send me pictures so that I may help, Ellie yer Blog is so fine, thanks for the pictures. The chesticle alignment method cums from ancient China and is similar to Feng Shui, it promotes the flow of wisdom and thoughts around yer Blog. How many times have I heard, "I can't think of anything to write" well grab yer nuts and think about it.

Colour is very important, white is not a colour so therefore shows a lack of imagination.

Gray just screams drab and I'd hate to see yer hoose.

Black means yer a cunt and want to strain yer older reader's eyes.

Bright blues and pinks means yer a perky shite and have no business Blogging.

The late Blogger McGee (he was never punctual) was probably the best Blogger in the world with his satirical take on life in the now deleted Blog "Pish Flaps." He taught me everything I know, well dirty Sandra taught me a few things too but we won't go into that now.

Blogger McGee (God rest his Blog) became disillusioned with the "yay I'm first" comments, the mindless YouTubes and the repetitive memes. In his award winning post "What the fuck do you people want from me?" he said the best Blogs are always a mustardy colour , like baby shit.

Now little Timmy will you be using yer real name? a fake real name? or will you blog as a Lemur or something?

Those that use their real or fake real names feel restricted and often wish they had used something more interesting when they can see the kind of shit I can get away with. Also its easier to find them if they piss you off.

If you choose an animal or old semen persona chose well, if you are a sly Komodo Dragon type person who will bite its victim and let them escape to bleed to death rather than face them head on then don't go picking a noble Lion or something, as Hemingway may have said, "write what you know."

The best way to get noticed is say in yer profile yer a young hot gurl and have an avatar to match, why do those profiles get more hits than mine?

The first few posts may not get any attention so do what Bloggers who are afraid of rejection do and make up some commenters, what you don't think they sit around and have conversations with themselves? I myself have no commenters, they are all made up by me, fuck I'm clever.

Another old trick is to leave yer post up for a while to get more comments, I myself don't give a shit as I post every other hour, for a true Blogger its all about the post.

If in doubt just post a picture like this. I could have the best post ever and follow it with this picture and I'd get zero comments on the post and 25 on this picture.

In Blogger McGee's post "The politics of Blogging and why I don't care." He mentions that you should at least comment on 25 Blogs a day to get attention, this may smack of desperation but if you weren't a damaged, needy person with low esteem you wouldn't be a Blogger then .

Blogger McGee faced the great Flame war of 98 so you could Blog freely, he faced insulting comments about his third nipple that weeps puss and spamming comments calling him rude and hurtful names such as beardy .

The way he sorted them out was he grabbed the spammers by the snouts, shook them while firmly shouting ,"no!" that worked for a while then he had to get the rolled up newspaper and put his comments on moderation, oh and he tracked them doon and had the spammer's families killed and cut the spammers hands off to turn into ashtrays, he never had any spam problems after that.

Blogger McGee, don't make him angry, you wouldn't like him when hes angry.

Fan e-mails are something Old Knudsen has had more off than spam, men and weemen throwing their virtual panties at him, not to mention being feautured on various blogs, but don't worry little Timmy I doubt you'll have that kind of thing going on .

Remember there is a Blog etiquette to follow. Don't swear in comments unless the Blog writer swears, its for comments not yer life story, don't complain about boring posts, you aren't fucking paying so fuck off and always reply to a new commenter and try to respond to all yer comments, even the ::::smile::::: and "me too" ones and never comment "me too" thats just plain cunty. The delete button isn't for decoration, never mind free speech crap would you give neo Nazis free speech? you think about that.

Its yer Blog to do with what you want, post dead puppies I don't care if you post live kittens, puppies and babies you must die you boring git , if you post spice racks and Tiffany lamps then yer just ghey admit it.

Now lets see how Little Timmy's Blog turned out TIMMY'S BLOG

It Came.

I've been waiting for 3 weeks for my box of gurls in an attractive showcase that I bought off QVC and finally it came. Fucking Post office the wankers tried to put it through my letter box but I have one of those spring loaded letter box flaps that I've tightened so it takes skin off the postman's hand everytime he puts my mail in, that'll teach him for sneaking around my hoose in the early mornings and being so fucking cheerful.

The letter box slot of doom, many fear this because they don't understand it. I get that a lot myself. I once found part of a finger in my hall, did anyone turn up to clean up the blood? like fuck they did lazy post orifice cunts.

Larne Who Cares?

Larne is a half-way hoose for all the culchie thugs from further up around the coast, nothing good cums from larne except the P&O ferries.

Northern Ireland actor James Nesbitt was on a BBC show called "Something for the weekend" which refers to what Barbers used to ask after they cut yer hair, when they would try to sell you some condoms.

After talking about how he used to be in a Kick the Pope marching band which helped him bond with his father "Frankie madbull Nesbitt" he went on to the cooking segment. They were doing some Vietnamese dish sans dog when Nesbitt was asked if he had ever been to Vietnam.

Nesbitt being a witty shite said he hadn't but he had been to the town of Larne which was close enough to Nam. Larne is about 12 miles from Belfast and a main port for the ferries going to Scotland, I've been there many times and even worked there. Not once did I see trees move or Charlie in his black pajamas, he actually wore Thomas the Tank Engine ones.

Well Larne was pretty pissed off. DUP politician (protestant no humour) Sammy Wilson said he doubted the actor was referring to the Vietnam of today which is a tourist hot spot.
He told radio Ulster's Talkback programme that hes one of the people who leave Northern Ireland and make it good and then slag the place off. The town has just come through a slump and there was new optimism for its future. He said with a straight face.

The radio show tried to get a comment from Nesbitt who replied via a text message.
"Just got off a flight in LA to hear your message re-Larne. Jeez it was a joke. First thing that came into my head. Is Larne up in arms? Wouldn't be the first time."

Well done Mr Nesbitt I hate people without a sense of humour and to be honest Larne is and has been a shit hole for as long as I can remember. James Nesbitt 1 DUP nil.

I've been working on my bank job today, that involves a little light cleaning at closing time nothing big but it got me thinking about Barbers, you hardly see any about any more its all uni-sex, make no mistake I like weemen no uni-sex for me unless you mean some gurly boys of course who can be rather fetching sometimes.

Well this pop group called "The Divine Comedy" had a song called "Something for the weekend" and when I lived in Belfast I lived about a mile away from where concerts were being held so I'd stand in my bathroom with the window open having a piss while getting live music from The Divine Comedy, Texas, The Corrs and even U2 , nothing to do with Nesbitt except he was in a beer advert and when I drink beer after the seal is broken (the first time you piss when out drinking) I'd be up pissing after every other beer enjoying the music, the only thing to annoy me was the army helicopters that hover high up over yer hoose to watch the traffic in case of terrorists and that would be joined every 5 minutes by an army spotter plane.

Still the Scots blood in my appreciated getting the music for free.

Hussey Is Still A Spammer.

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Pass The Paracetemol.

I'll be a little busy for the next few days so don't be expecting anything big getting posted, sure I have a ton of things on draft but why spoil you?

Now lettuce prey:

God, grant me the Senility,
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.

Amon.

Wise Words.

Bleeding Radiators

Let me tell you a little about my oldest brother Lars, me being the youngest would always find myself having to fend him and my other brother Gustave off. Gustave just went along with Lars for fear of getting picked on himself .

Everyday Lars would make some remark about how stupid I was or that you could do a connect the dots with my acne and I had a big nose. He was 12 years older than me and should have known better. The sarcastic comments and the pummeling I'd get everyday just made me fight back and soon not only could I fight but I could cut people doon with cruel sarcastic wit, poor Gustave was easy to get to but Lars it just rolled off his back.

Gustave being 5 years older than me moved out when he could leaving me and Lars with our parents. Lars was comfortable where he was and our mother would wait on him hand and foot.

The comments to put me doon still went on. I'd walk into the living room and wait, within 5 minutes Lars would say something at my expense. I always gave him the chance to stop by never starting it . One time he went too far and before I new it my fist had connected with his jaw sending him flying backwards onto a curio cabinet, our mother was soon in between us but he was a bully a coward and like most of that kind didn't want to fight back and just acted big.

Lars was 37 before he moved out, he bought a hoose 10 miles away and only then did we start to get on somewhat. He was in the Navy reserve and would come home now and again to get Ma to iron his uniform and make his tea while he had a bath using up all the hot water.

Several things happened for us to name Lars "Unfortunate Lars" he came home one night in his car and was probably drunk and rear ended a lamp post putting its light out, my Ma heard about it the next day when a neighbour just happened to mention that the light was broken, the neighbour didn't say how it was broken but she knew what happened, Lars never acknowledged it.
Another time was when Lars totaled a rental car when he fell asleep at the wheel and was then found to be over the drink limit. This time shook Lars up a bit and he stopped drinking.

Lars was useless with the weemen, he did live with a gurl once and even got engaged to her. Her hoose was getting renovated so she moved in with Lars, it must have been a whirlwind romance I guess, when the gurl's hoose was finished she moved back out thus ending the engagement, that was the only gurlfriend I ever saw him with.

Lars' kitchen went on fire went he left the chip pan on, gutting the whole room and while at work he slipped off a scaffold and broke his arm, the thing never healed right and he was in and out of hospital for two years, its still not right today. Ah poor unfortunate Lars. Its funny but throughout my life it seems that anyone who pisses me off gets strange bouts of bad luck. Losing jobs, losing loved ones and even getting cancer up the bung hole and losing themselves, its like my guardian angel used to be in the Mafia or something.

Lars did mellow out a bit, the last time I saw him was one Christmas at the family home when he was about 48. I walked into the room without saying a word, I could see by the look on his face he was trying to come up with something witty and scolding that would put me doon and at the same time amuse the others in the room and sure enough he did. I took the high road and rather than I get into it and rip him apart in front of the family I walked out of the room, his laughter still filled my ears but I felt good because I could control myself and not react the ways others wanted me too. I was better than him.

The last words Lars said to me were sarcastic. That same Christmas I was talking about bleeding the air out of radiators to get them to heat up better. Lars being older and obviously wiser said you didn't do that and I was stupid, he always made sure he had an audience, my parents and other siblings made a good one as they never joined in with the topic and only added laughter (maybe that's why I hate neutrality and appeasers) . I explained to Lars how to do it and how I've done it but no he had decided it was all untrue and that I knew nothing (I get that a lot) yet again I left the room. I didn't want to argue with a moron over something I knew and he didn't, where is the fun in that ? the last words Lars said to me was, "go bleed yer radiator" as I walked out.

I have not seen Lars since and I don't actually miss him. I never hated him I was quite indifferent towards him I just wondered why he hated me so much and kept coming after me . I worked it out to be that he was the first born and was jealous of me, he was never threatened by Gustave but was by me as our parents went easier on me because after 5 kids you tend to be more slack on the last ones and he took this as loving me more.

Lars wanted his mummy all to himself and to be the centre of attention, sad but true, so putting me doon and making me look bad was his way of making himself feel better. I still don't hate Lars and I really won't mind if I never see him again, he can have his mummy I just know she talks about me all the time anyway.

Lars taught me that I hated bullies and though I was turning into him as a matter of survival in the hoosehold I knew I didn't want to turn out twisted and rotten inside as he was so I knew what not to do. To this day the Lars in me comes out when I'm stressed or depressed but as long as I remember empathy and who I really am Lars will never win because as I said before "I am better than him."

A couple of years ago I found a passage in a book about bleeding radiators, I copied it and sent it to my parents and yes I did feel vindicated.