101 *true* things about Old Knudsen.

A picture from my younger wilder days. I dare you to do yer own 101, if you can.

1) Though my surname is not Scottish (its Danish) I am as Scottish as Robert the Bruce and actually have the surname Bruce in my family tree. (Robert the Bruce is descended from the bloody French)
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2) I've had more Blonde weemen than burnettes though I prefer burnettes, but used to have a thing for redheads.
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3) I've won more fist fights than I've lost.
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4) I have tried drugs though as most things in life didn't impress me greatly.
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5) As I get older the more people I meet the more I like my dog. My dog is a cunt.
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6) I cannot abide idiots even though I pretend to be dumb on a regular basis.
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7) I hate getting my balls tickled.
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8) My first ever job was baiting the crab and lobster creels for my father. He nicknamed me his chum as he always wanted to cut me up and throw me to the fish.
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9) I love the sea, even in a force 10.
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10) I have no fear of drowning or death itself but have a fear being burned alive.
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11) As a boy I used to be so shy that people would call me odd and strange I am now comfortable with that label, as normal is so dull.
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12) I was so shy I didn't kiss a gurl until I was 19, when I say kiss I mean above the waist and on the mouth.
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13) I masturbate several times everyday whether I need to or not . I see it as being as important as any form of exercise.
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14) I fear not being able to wank anymore.
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15) I say things like, instead condiments I said condom mints, I laughed for 12 minutes at that one.
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16) I am capable of 3 in the morning bravery (when things seem most desperate)
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17) When I am brave its like someone else takes over, later on I think what the fuck did I just do?
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18) I studied French and German and have now forgotten most of it through lack of use.
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19)In school my best subjects were Art and History, useless or what?
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20) Bullies and injustice really make me angry unless its a bad guy on the receiving end, but it never is.
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21) My favourite sexual position is a woman on top but she has to have the moves.
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22) I don't think about money or food very often but its always nice to have both.
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23) Every woman I have had sex with has climaxed, no really climaxed,no need to ask if she has or not , numb legs the heap I am a fucking stud.
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24) I hate the denist so I brush my teeth really well and never forget, sometimes I rinse with warm water as I like the feeling it gives me.
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25) I'm never instantly sleepy after sex but don't expect a cuddle.
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26) When I was a child we couldn't afford kilts and the like, me not knowing any better found a red tartan skirt belonging to an aunt, sister or mother I don't know. I put it on thinking it was a kilt and went up to see my friend, some older boys saw me and made fun of me lifting my kilt up to see what I had on underneath (yellow coloured y- fronts) I was so embarrassed I ran home.
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27) I should have died several times in my life, I hope my purpose for living isn't being the world's greatest blogger :::::yawn::::::
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28) I count my blessings everyday, there go I but for the grace of God.
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29) I learned fuck all at school and hated my time there and was caned far too often, though I wish I could write better to get my point across. How would an educated person say, "Away and suck donkey dick?"
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30) All I learned from being in the army was that I didn't like being told what to do by English twats, though I did learn how to kill Ka-chow!
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31) I've been to many places in the world but not for long enough to appreciate them or learn about the cultures. Just long enough to shoot the odd head of state and get out.
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32) I can not remember names, dates, facts or figures but if you wrong me I will never forget.
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33) I experimented with sucking cock and taking it up the ass for 3 years but decided it wasn't for me, thus I am not gay.
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34) I don't like people watching me eat or going to the toilet. (its all connected)
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35) I get annoyed when I have to repeat myself.
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36) For fuck sake are you not listening? I said I get annoyed when I have to repeat myself.
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37) I love weemen, not perfect air brushed weemen like in the magazines but real weemen, I love beauty but there are all different types of beauty.
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38) given the choice of going for brains or beauty I will chose brains as beauty fades and can get real boring.
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39) My penis is named "Kenny."
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40) When out at the shaps I like to touch the silky padded bras on display.
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41) I can see an old ugly woman but if she has a nice arse or baps I will check her out.
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42) My deep fat fryer is my most prized possession, its called "Fat Phil."
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43) I am a very good cook though I can't be arsed doing it.
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44) I fear someday I will run out of the will to say things on my blog rather than things to say .
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45) I hate being asked for my favourite anything as my mood and tastes change so much.
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46) If I was in a Slasher movie I'd stop running, turn and knock the fucker out. You know what I did last summer? I fucked yer Ma.
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47) When I see a shooting star I believe I'm on the right path in life.
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48) The older I get the more things I am able to appreciate like older films and music that I hated before.
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49) When I give my word I give you nothing but the truth and I won't let you down.
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50) I hardly ever give my word and only to those that deserve it.
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51) The day after being drunk I get the urge to drink vinegar and shoot my load (not at the same time) am I the only one?
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52) I hate being told what to do by anyone and will do the opposite because I'm a wanker.
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53) I believe that God is infallible except for Adam and Eve and the great flood and Sodom and Gomorrah, apart from that he is.
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54) I play the spoons, I only learned cos I heard that musicians get all the gurls, not true .
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55) Lemurs and their big bug eyes creep me out they all must die.
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56) I have an emergency stash of Devil's dandruff (cocaine) in my wooden leg incase the Russians nuke us.
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57) I'm a Roacher, that's means I will go through skips for something I can use or sell, another man's treasure etc.
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58) In 1987 I shot a man just to watch him die, there was nothing on the telly.
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59) I did have a total failure with one gurl I went out with, a year after we broke up I found out she had become a leezer I try not to dwell on the reasons for that.
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60) I feel bad for the Africans but don't think we should encourage them by feeding them,we have enough hungry people at home.
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61) I have family in Scotland, England, Northern Ireland, Cornwall, New Zealand, Canada and America.
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62) I have a dog that died while the Katrina and the waves song, "walking on sunshine" played on the radio, everytime I hear that song I think about poor wee nigger.
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63) I cursed Katrina and the waves after they killed my dog, the only thing they have done after walking on sunshine was win the Euro song competition, for you non-Europeans that's the most sad and uncool thing ever to win, yes my power "is" that great.
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64) I never liked the Gorillas from the Planet of the Apes film, they give me the creeps especially the very first time you see them with the horns playing etc.
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65) The name "Old Knudsen" is an alias I used when I was an assassin for Coca Cola. Its from a very famous book that was made into a very boring film.
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66) As a child the sandwiches I took for my school lunch were either, margarine and sugar or just salad cream. I laugh at kids today and their fat inducing lunchables.
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67) One high school I went to was a boys school situated under Mount Slemish, a volcanic plug sacred to St Patrick. The school has long since closed doon.
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68) I served in a military barracks situated under Mount Slemish and just beside an old closed doon high school. The barracks is to close in 2008.
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69) My favourite sexual act is receiving a good time via a blow job.
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70) My granny (on my mother's side) was a strict protestant woman but in the kitchen of her hoose tucked in away from plain view was an altar to the old gods . I grew up knowing both ways.
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71) My granny was struck doon in the prime of life by a car as she tried to cross a road, she was 93, the guy who walked infront of the car holding the flag was fired for incompetence we sued Henry Ford.
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72) I have had a fatal fascination for flags ever since my granny died, go on flag my blog.
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73) I believe in Global warming as much as I believed in the Ice age they were predicting 20 years ago. Hype and panic mongering bores me.
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74) I am a Winston Chruchill fan and have some things in common with him, mainly a dislike of mathematics, depression and being headstrong for action.
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75) The taste and smell of coffee revolts me.
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76) When I was a young man the gods asked me whether I wanted a short life full of fame and adventure or a long boring life in obscurity, I answered, "what was the middle part?"
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77) I hate having to read instruction manuals and like to work things out myself, action not words, deeds not promises.
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78) I am always surprised when people try to fuck me over for no good reason, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.
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79) Stories of rape and murder especially of weemen and children really really piss me off. I wouldn't lose any sleep if it was my job to execute pedos and rapists.
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80) The 18th century was a dry time for me. I actually went 4 months without having sex (with a woman)
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81) In 1066 at the battle of Hastings I was given a medal for hitting King Harold II in the eye with an arrow, I was aiming for his horse.
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82) I'm a better shot with a pistol than a rifle however if the target has a massive head like JFK I can't miss, that day I sold my cow for a handful of magic bullets and the rest is history. Ka-Chow!

I have a sister Patsy.

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83) When I joined the CIA wet works dept I thought it was about hot weemen pissing on me. My plan was to combine a hobby with a career.

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84) I get annoyed when people say the "Falkland conflict" wasn't a real war. I think that dishonours the memory of those Argentineans I cruelly tortured for information.

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85) I once had a Scheiser video of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun taken at Wewelsburg Castle but I lost it when I moved hoose.

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86) I sometimes like to be called "Rocket man"

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87) I was once a farmer and had to herd goats for 2 -3 hours a day while they munched in a field of grass and weeds. I'd sleep sitting propped up and work on my tan (it was in France)

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89) In 1989 I toured Germany with David Hasselhoff as his backing singer, that lad had real talent in a Des O'Connor/Don Johnson kind of way.

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90) Still with me? I suggested to Elias Ashmole that he should open a "Museum" as I liked to do brass rubbing. He replied saying I liked to do ass rubbing and we both laughed so in 1683 the Ashmolean Museum opened, sometimes I call people an "Ashmole" instead of "asshole" to keep his memory alive.

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91) When I was doing surveillance on then president Bill Clinton I infiltrated his oval orifice dressed as a woman, he came onto me but wiped it off incase it stained.

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92) My blue eyes are sensitive to the light and I don't like the smell of garlic, I think I maybe part vampire on my Da's side.

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93) I have 8 tattoos, if yer a hot gurl yer mission is to find them, the grenade on my penis that turns into a torpedo is an obvious well documented one and so doesn't count.

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94) I have seen what many people might refer to as ghosts but I've never seen an alien (they were behind me when I was being probed)

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95) I hate the taste of red wine but will drink it like its going out of fashion if its free.

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96) I have started to workout using cans of baked beans as weights, soon I shall look as muscular and ghey as Gerard Butler did in 300 when I don my speedo.

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97) I'm an avid gardener and prefer growing trees than flowers and veg. I look after the trees as they grow and they shade me when they are adult and look after me. Of course you'll always get the ungrateful one that wants to crush you, put you in a home and collect yer pension.

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98) If I could turn into an animal it would be a big fuck off bear (not a Panda or Koala) I'd become a crime fighting bear.

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99) I firmly believe that I should rule the world. I am very open to the needs of others however if you aren't with me yer against me.

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100) I worked in a factory making wire fencing and one time a large steel wheel fell onto my head cutting it open with blood pouring doon my face. A fellow worker in a panic wanted me to rush to the manager for help but I refused to run as that would seem undignified and bleeding in public was bad enough, don't worry it was only a glancing blow and I didn't suffer any drain bamage.

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101) The vibrations of diesel buses and passenger ferries give me erections, the Rosslare to Cherbourg ferry takes 19 hours, yes it is possible.

*truth is subject to perspective*

#33 is an in joke, no really it is.
#96 the workout is a lot better after you eat the beans.

Take the Knudsen challenge and do yer own 101 random facts about yerself, if you dare.