Old Knudsen Reviews The Monuments Men

The Monuments Men is a movie about Frank Stokes who goes to the US president with an idea of saving priceless works of art from being destroyed or stolen during the last months of WW II. They have to save the paintings and sculptures because what kind of future would we have if yadda yadda yadda, they like art and think that you should too.

It turns out that Frank Stokes is based on George Leslie Stout who happens to be the second cousin, three times removed of George Clooney and they both had mustaches. Clooney wrote, directed, produced and made the tea for this film so I guess that means that he can be the lead.

The historical accuracy according to Clooney is 80% correct but in reality there were about a few dozen officers and men rather than seven and it wasn't just created in 1944 by the Americans with a Brit and a Frenchie as tokens, the British had been working at saving art since 1942 .... as usual yer late again America.

As mentioned in the movie, Clooney is a little too old to be at the front but since most of the fighting has been done they might make it through.

Clooney envokes the Oceans 11 movies and one by one enlists a team via a corny montage to go to Europe. Matt Damon is recruited as his eye candy and some older, more decrepit but expendable faces become the team of American, British and French art lovers.

    Nailed it.

Cate Blanchett is seen as a French woman who is working for the Nazis, her finer moment was when she was told to fetch a champagne glass for one of the Nazis and when she gets it she spits into it then offers it to another gurl to spit into ..... cut to scene of Nazi enjoying his champagne unawares. 

Blanchett is perfect as usual with a thin layer of civility hiding her anger and contempt of the art stealing Nazis. Hitler is losing the war but thinks he can still have a really good museum if he puts his mind to it..... maybe an amusement park with a water slide too. 

She has to trust someone if she is ever going to have the works of art returned to France but with the Nazis and the Russians stealing everything who can she trust? 

The eye candy is sent in to get her trust so he can find out where the Nazis might have hidden the art. A good line is when Damon says, "If it wasn't for us you'd be speaking German" Blanchett replies, "No, I'd be dead but still speaking French."

Not enough to save the movie though, what a slow paced, boring, indulgent piece of shit and Old Knudsen likes Clooney, Damon and Blanchett. 

Clooney's make up was just weird, his face was all Caucasian flesh coloured with his makeup quite heavy yet his forehead was the usual brown and leather like. He isn't aging on screen very well as they keep getting him at the most unflattering angles in his recent movies.

They did the obligatory standing on a mine scene but it was Damon standing on it, would they really blow up Matt fucking Damon?    

 The real monuments men looking a lot more able than those in the movie.

Only the Brit and the Frog gets killed .... like I said, expendable. The older gentlemen who we are to believe went through boot camp play their military service for laughs as they dander around clueless as if they are in their garden rather than a cuntry at war.  John Goodman is too fat for war and looks like a walking heart attack, Bob Balaban is too old and frail for war as is Bill Murray, all three are in their 60's but seem a lot older. 

Life is too short for this movie, I gave up caring if any art got returned. Clooney is asked if a Madonna statue was worth the life of the soldier who died (in a really stupid way) trying and save it, Clooney said that the soldier would have thought so .....  me? I'd say no but a Cher statue would be.

Did Clooney kill off his people in stupid pointless ways to illustrate how terrible war is? maybe they just weren't famous enough to live. 

Five million pieces of art were rescued at the end of the movie, I didn't stay to watch the end as I felt as if I had personally spent a year of my life watching this slow paced film with it's phoned in wooden acting. 

        

Historical Film Day

Baron Von Richthofen as played by Matthis Schweighöfer (Valkyrie) is the WWI fighter pilot with 80 confirmed kills. " I have and I cannot order men into battle. I can, perhaps, lead them, help them, die with them, but I will not betray them or keep the truth from them by remaining the immortal god that Berlin wants me to be."

He orders his men not to kill the enemy pilots but only to shoot to pieces the balsa wood planes they fly in because they are gentlemen.

Lena Heady (300) is a nurse and the Baron's love interest , Joseph Fiennes (Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas) plays Canadian pilot Arthur Brown who in the film becomes the best fucking mate of Von Richthofen but not to spoil it ultimately shoots the Baron doon.


The German cover which no doubt caused confusion, Der Rote? Hello its called spellcheck.

Released in 2008 why is this accurate depiction of a snap shot of history not a hoosehold name? Tom Cruise was said to have enjoyed it.


Hitler 3000: Its Hitler revved up with CGI and real chest hair. Hugh Jackman (Swordfish) plays the lead in this no holds true tale of Nazi Honour. " Nev mate you can't come over here and make me invade Poland or else you will shoot my daughter that you kidnapped" Chamberlain "I think I can Mr Hitler, you have 24 hours to invade or your little girl is dead, I've placed a wager on this and I WILL NOT LOSE."

"Ok lads listen up the Jews have locked themselves in the safety of the holiday camps so lets give the French and the English the war they so wish for ................. take no lives only wound in the shoulders."
Lovers of history will love Hitler 3000 with one of the most graphic fight scenes of the cinema between Hitler and Churchill as played by George Clooney (Spy Kids) that lasts for an amazing 8 minutes and between them they use 23 various exciting weapons.


Clooney in my opinion gives a great performance in this 2009 flick and Sean Penn was right when he expressed his disgust at the 2010 Oscars at Clooney not having been nominated for this role................. its all politics.



My last movie is based on the 1690 battle against Satan in Ireland. King Billy as played by John Neville (X-Files) rallies his men for the coming battle, "Men my beautiful muscular men, mercenaries of all over Europe the rejects of society. We will fight and perhaps die today Tomkins over there is a cert for dying but if you weren't here you'd live a long and happy life, making love to sexy women and dying in bed with your grandchildren surrounding you but on those days when your wife nags or your son tells you hes gay you'll have wished to be back on this field dying with Tomkins oh and Hardy over there, yeah I see you. Lets kill King James otherwise known as Satan and then lets use Ireland and England to finance my campaigns in Europe hurrah!"
Stirring stuff, it is thought that Henry V used a time machine and travelled into the future to learn from the words of Good King Billy in order to beat the French at Agincourt. William Wallace also used Billy's words at the battle of the Haggis in 1298 but added Hope, Change and Freedom as a slogan.


Watch these films because if you don't learn from history then yer only option is learning from an old hooker with a heart of gold. I should know because yes, I was that old hooker.


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I Want Me Mummy

Another thing about films, this Mummy crap and Journey to the centre of the earth both look the same to me, ach you can tell when a sequel is shite when not all the original actors will star in them or if its got Brendan Fraser pretending to be Indiana Jones. Thats all I have to say.



Latest OBB News Up-Dates

Das Boot And I Don't Mean Yer Ma

So many films have been made about World War II, mainly because the generation that lived during it went on to live through the golden age of British cinema. Remember that Britain was still effected by rationing and conscription (national service) well into the 50's so it was still on their minds a lot. Every time I ate a tripe sandwich without the bread washed doon with muddy puddle water I cursed Hitler.

I loved the later war movies like "The great escape" and the "Guns of Navarrone" which was followed by "Force 10 from Navarrone" not to forget "A bridge too far" , "The longest day" and "The Eagle has landed" jam packed full of stars like the Oceans Eleven films of today but better. Believable action heroes that didn't knock doon helicopters with flying cars like that Die cast and live longer with Bruce Willis crap.

The British and Americans were the cowboys/good guys and the Germans/Japs were the single minded evil menace taking over from the Redskins of the old westerns.

Eventually movies evolved and started to look at the other side, sympathetic German soldiers who didn't believe in fascism but did their job anyway, war is hell movies . Yeah yeah the Jews had it rough did it give them character? no it turned them into right vicious cunts in Israel and taught them how to treat the enemy.

It all changes, you have Brad Pitt or Richard Gere playing IRA men and in time you'll have Hollywood stars playing brave Al-Qaeda freedom fighters fending off the evil yank invasion as the IRA have done against us evil British for years . Jack Nicholson is Chemical Ali, "You fuck with Allah and you'll get my burning Fatwa, you can't handle my burning fatwa."

I was watching that submarine film Das Boot (The boat for you yanks) originally a German mini series about a WWII sub crew and the horrors of war yadda yadda now a feature film and held up to be a masterpiece, well its the biggest load of boring old shite I've ever watched much like Ingmar or was it Ingrid Bergman's movies? the one who just died recently Swedes, Germans its all double Dutch to me.

Well Das Boot tried to make you see the submariners as human even though they were the enemy. I must of missed the point or something all I was thinking about was how fucking ugly the whole cast was and where the hell was the remote control?

At the end they reached a port and got out and then a couple of allied planes came out of the sky shooting and bombing the fuck out of everything, is this the part where you feel concern for those you've followed for two hours? well I cheered and was shouting at the screen where the planes should shoot, I shout at the TV a lot. At the end most of the crew died, was it poignant? fuck no a happy ending no less.

Hey don't call me emotionally unavailable I know you're going to. I get choked up at the end of Schindler's list and at the end of Saving Ryan's privates. I have pretty clear cut views as to who is worthy or not of sympathy and that's without the help of the movie makers, that 21 grams film was a laugh riot, a right feel good movie. I'd totally ride that Noami Watts or Nicole Kidman lite as I call her.

A Life At The Movies

"Luke don't use the middle one, stay away from Vader's dark side. "

I havn't gone to the cinema much in my life compared to most people, the annoying piano music that accompanied the films really did my head in also sitting in a crowd of selfish people who objected to me talking, cheering, smoking, coughing and masturbating throughout the movie, what a bunch of nazis. Anyway working class people have to work to hold on to their class status by working so I had no time for the talkies.
Here is what I would rate as my top 5 movie mistakes to go and see.

Return of the Jedi and Superman 3 (1983) Ok there are 2 films here but I saw them back to back and they could of very well merged into one. I hadn't seen the other movies that led up to these movies but its not like you needed to the blanks filled in as these were mong proof.

Star Wars is just so silly, guys dressed like Sandsavages or dirt bike riders in space, Luke and the Princess were mingers but I totally wanted to see some incest, and what a family resemblance a Jewish princess and a Californian surfer type and whats with the ghey English robot ? is that how the world sees the English? fair enough I suppose, everyone in space is either a Yank , Brit or a bit of rubber.

Kirk would have nailed Leia and then dumped her just to show he could, anyway Hans Solo is the perfect name for a lonely wanker.

Superman got horny in the # 3 film and also turned bad , then he had to fight with his bad side, yeah yeah I get it a Protestant wrote the film, then Superman being a cheap fucker crushed a bit of coal to make a diamond for an engagement ring to get into some hoors panties. When he fucks does he super fuck? is there a bloody stump left afterwards? no wonder he doesn't spend any money on a ring. What about Mr Kent's citizenship? the man is a fucking alien who sneaked into the cuntry from space, Reagan was right about building a Space wall. Truth, justice and don't ask me for my Greencard way. Could Lois Lane get anymore minging? did they not have teeth whitener back in the 80's?

Days of Thunder (1990) This was before Tom Cruise turned evil, at the end of this film I felt as if I had been standing in traffic for nearly 2 hours , you couldn't tell what anything was it was a blur of cars and what about the 6 foot tall hot female doctor falling for a 4 foot tall car driver oh c'mon Tom's character was a stupid twat.

StarGate (1994) I came out of the cinema with sand in my crack. Kurt Russell played an uptight action man with a chip on his shoulder, not much acting going on but far better than MacGyver in the series when he took on the role. The best thing in the film was when Russell was fighting one of the bodybuilder guard drag queens and said as he killed him," Give my regards to King Tut asshole" and that was the best bit.What ever happened to the gurl from the Crying Game who was also in that? she was hot.

The Jackal (1997) Bruce Willis dons bad disguises as an international hit man and Richard Gere dons a bad Irish accent when Hollywood portrays an IRA man as a hero. I should write blurbs for films. A lot of bad panning in on faces camera shots as bad guy and good guy recognise each other across a crowded street. Willis did kill Jack Black which is good in my book but he also snogged another man in a bar. I have nothing against gheys as long as I don't have to watch them at it even though he did kill the fella before the intercourse, this was the hero of the Nakatomi Corporation building incident . Next you'll tell me my other heroes like Rock Hudson , Cary Grant and Liberace were fudge packers too.

The world is not enough (1999) I went to see this as my friend was into Bond :::yawn:::: Pierce Brosnan was a good Bond though when they get old they over dye their hair and you end up looking stupid like Ronald Reagan. Denise Richards was hot then before Sheen got his syphilitic dripping dick near her. She played a nuclear physicist in short shorts, looking very Tomb raiderish but way too dumb to pull of a role as a person with smarts. Sophie Marceau the French bird from Braveheart was the villain, she tried to tempt Bond into shagging her and becoming a bad guy, Bond in a ghey moment turned her doon and said the movie title" the world is not enough" if only the film was called "suck my cock" then it would be better. Robert Carlyle was the invincible henchman that does the serious hand to hand fighting for the villain the designated fighter if you will, if you don't expect too much from a film except explosions and improbable plots then you must be a Bond fan.