Old Knudsen Reviews The Monuments Men

The Monuments Men is a movie about Frank Stokes who goes to the US president with an idea of saving priceless works of art from being destroyed or stolen during the last months of WW II. They have to save the paintings and sculptures because what kind of future would we have if yadda yadda yadda, they like art and think that you should too.

It turns out that Frank Stokes is based on George Leslie Stout who happens to be the second cousin, three times removed of George Clooney and they both had mustaches. Clooney wrote, directed, produced and made the tea for this film so I guess that means that he can be the lead.

The historical accuracy according to Clooney is 80% correct but in reality there were about a few dozen officers and men rather than seven and it wasn't just created in 1944 by the Americans with a Brit and a Frenchie as tokens, the British had been working at saving art since 1942 .... as usual yer late again America.

As mentioned in the movie, Clooney is a little too old to be at the front but since most of the fighting has been done they might make it through.

Clooney envokes the Oceans 11 movies and one by one enlists a team via a corny montage to go to Europe. Matt Damon is recruited as his eye candy and some older, more decrepit but expendable faces become the team of American, British and French art lovers.

    Nailed it.

Cate Blanchett is seen as a French woman who is working for the Nazis, her finer moment was when she was told to fetch a champagne glass for one of the Nazis and when she gets it she spits into it then offers it to another gurl to spit into ..... cut to scene of Nazi enjoying his champagne unawares. 

Blanchett is perfect as usual with a thin layer of civility hiding her anger and contempt of the art stealing Nazis. Hitler is losing the war but thinks he can still have a really good museum if he puts his mind to it..... maybe an amusement park with a water slide too. 

She has to trust someone if she is ever going to have the works of art returned to France but with the Nazis and the Russians stealing everything who can she trust? 

The eye candy is sent in to get her trust so he can find out where the Nazis might have hidden the art. A good line is when Damon says, "If it wasn't for us you'd be speaking German" Blanchett replies, "No, I'd be dead but still speaking French."

Not enough to save the movie though, what a slow paced, boring, indulgent piece of shit and Old Knudsen likes Clooney, Damon and Blanchett. 

Clooney's make up was just weird, his face was all Caucasian flesh coloured with his makeup quite heavy yet his forehead was the usual brown and leather like. He isn't aging on screen very well as they keep getting him at the most unflattering angles in his recent movies.

They did the obligatory standing on a mine scene but it was Damon standing on it, would they really blow up Matt fucking Damon?    

 The real monuments men looking a lot more able than those in the movie.

Only the Brit and the Frog gets killed .... like I said, expendable. The older gentlemen who we are to believe went through boot camp play their military service for laughs as they dander around clueless as if they are in their garden rather than a cuntry at war.  John Goodman is too fat for war and looks like a walking heart attack, Bob Balaban is too old and frail for war as is Bill Murray, all three are in their 60's but seem a lot older. 

Life is too short for this movie, I gave up caring if any art got returned. Clooney is asked if a Madonna statue was worth the life of the soldier who died (in a really stupid way) trying and save it, Clooney said that the soldier would have thought so .....  me? I'd say no but a Cher statue would be.

Did Clooney kill off his people in stupid pointless ways to illustrate how terrible war is? maybe they just weren't famous enough to live. 

Five million pieces of art were rescued at the end of the movie, I didn't stay to watch the end as I felt as if I had personally spent a year of my life watching this slow paced film with it's phoned in wooden acting. 

        

The Holy Post

Old Knudsen has had it with you idiots, for over 3 years he has put clues and signs in his posts to direct you all to the secrets of man and sometimes woman kind. Old Knudsen is part of a secret society that is so secret we don't even know who we pay our monthly dues too. Its is an ancient group of scholars like meself to whom the truth has been revealed.

Old Knudsen puts at least 10 deliberate mistakes into each post so the chosen can work out for themselves. Well if Old Knudsen's blog was on the history channel they would get experts in to find all these clues and tell you what I was thinking. "Da Vinci loved to paint curly hair which to him represented water which obviously prophesied the tsunami of 2004".

"John the Baptist holds his finger to the heavens in a mysterious reference to God." No old John was extremely proud of his snotters which he'd show to everyone, he'd go shovel some coal for the fire and when the coal dust made his boogers black he'd say it was God's magic.

Have you lot followed the signs or were you distracted by hoors of desire such as?


This!

Or this!

Or even this! Disgusting the way the sheer fabric clings to her ripe perky nipples of her large voluptuous pale white fleshy orbs that defy gravity.


Well this is what God does to demonic distracting hoors.

Even if they do have perfect arses and Old Knudsen thinks its a total waste but God is a closet ghey woman hater obsessed with underage virgins all wise and has a plan ................. sure the plan may fuck you over but you weren't asked.


Old Knudsen has tried to direct you to the bloodline of Christ.

The treasures of the Templars.

The location of the Holy Grail. It only shines for the pure of heart so Old Knudsen has seen it many times.

Fuck lad look at the arse on that, no wait no distractions for Old Knudsen until his friction burns heal up.


Ask God all his secrets when you drink his holy ale. The Vikings called getting drunk in order to talk to the Gods a Blot oh yes those crazy raping and pillaging peaceful explorers were wise. Old Knudsen being Ulsterish and Scottish is also a Gallowglass and so is in tune with all the old Celtic and Norse ways. He drinks to blot out reality and the faces and screams of all those he has killed in war and on his hobby farm, it doesn't help that he has video taped a lot of it and plays them often.


Also Old Knudsen has tried to tell you to wear Levis as a sign to who the lost tribe of Israel really is I mean why the fuck would a star of David be on the Red hand of Ulster flag? its all there people.

Ach Old Knudsen is off to write a book of poetry, he may post when the mood strikes him but I'm counting on me verses to make me lots of money as the Armenians are getting testy and I know I put me Nazi gold in a safe place I just can't remember where. I told Kevork he'd get his loot as I'd rather lose my feet to diabetes than those cunts.

Here is a sample of what my hopes are pinned on:

If I were a tree,
Would you know me,
As I stand erect,
As I stand proud,
As my wood,
Slaps you across the face,
And sap gets stuck in yer hair.

Its a work in progress but pretty good huh? I was going to make the tree a weeping willow but that just came off as disgusting.

UPDATE


Due to threats in the comments and lemur prints in my margarine today Old Knudsen pulled some strings.

Simon Pegg being an X-files fan was happy to oblige, Gillian Anderson wanted to monologue about her vadge as usual and so wouldn't frenchie Pegg . Matt Damon was a right cunt and was shall we say difficult .
I used a PG-19 fast shutter with an enhanced blue optic 6 inch hertigal lens to help with the glare of the sun and Pegg's bright ginger hair.
I think Old Knudsen did pretty well due to time and budget and each star was returned safely home after the deed was done, a happy ending for Pegg and clean shiny hair for Anderson, Damon should be grateful he made it to my blog again, he'd be nothing without Old Knudsen.

Call off the lemurs Sparrow I did what you asked.

You Idiot

She may have herpes but I'd still do her.

It amazes me just how stupid people are. No this post isn't about The Troll this time.

There are these adverts on the telly with people saying, "When I was diagnosed with genital herpes I was devastated."

Attractive couples that like to mountain bike and canoe. So I was looking around the Interweb and I saw a question forum.

"Do the people in the adverts really have genital herpes?"

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck you are dumb. Someone pointed out they had better not as one of them was working on House the other week.


I see an ad about asthma medicine and a woman says she has had asthma for 15 years. Maybe it was from all the fluff kicked up by the fucking Muppets, she was Alison Bartlett the bloody vet on Sesame Street, an ugly woman with a big mole who appeared in the Sopranos if you watched that shite . It looks like she had the mole removed but is still ugly.

I love picking out unknown actors in commercials. Its always that guy from the Progressive ad or yer woman from Buffy doing a Sears ad ......................... Sears is shite by the way but I did like Buffy.
The skinny bloke from the mobile phone ads went on to do movies, you know the one.


Twats in adverts. I've seen the blonde guy at the top in a burger ad and now he sells Mobile phone networks. The guy in the middle was the 'Dude you got a Dell' bloke he now works behind a bar in New York. The drip on the right is shagging Drew Barrymore he took a break from selling Macs to co-star in Die Hard 4 'live free and what a load of crap' The PC guy on the left and the 'can you hear me now' bloke on the bottom are just ghey.

The UK version of the Mac advert.

Then I read this column in the paper about who the next head of health should be for the Obama admin. The person writing had some names and then he said. I haven't followed his career but wouldn't Arnold Schwarzenegger be a fun choice for the post? he seems to be a good manager.

What? should someone who cares not be in the role? When Arnie has to balance the state budget what does he cut first? money and programs that go to the old, disabled and poor people. Kick them when they are doon. America may not be a socialist cuntry in name but it doesn't have to be a total cunt to its people.

On Facebook I'm friends with Matt Damon. People had a discussion if it was the real one or not. One gurl says it can't be as she has the real one in her friends. I'm also friends with Mel Gibson, he lives in the south of England now.

There, I have stated my point. The people on the telly are actors and human beings in general are stupid.

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