I Need A Hero

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

The Protestant Orange Order of Northern Ireland hopes to win a new generation of fans with their own superhero.

The Orange Order may dates the 17th century battle for supremacy between Protestantism and Catholicism (the prods won BTW) but now they have high hopes for this 21st century makeover.

No more King William 3rd of Orange, the small skinny bloke with the curly wig they now have a muscular cape wearing superhero type who can beat the evil T.A.I.G. (Terrorist Arsehole and Irish Gheylords) empire run by Darth Fenian and his legions of Stormstickys.

Orangeman David Hume says the idea is to make themselves more relevant to the young and "appear less stuffy and more homo erotic ".

They are to send out the superprod on Christmas cards but still need a name for him, Orangeman is too obvious.

Born on the 11th night of July beside a bonfire and a bottle of "beat the wife" with the mystical red hand birthmark on his neck he was taught the ways of the Prod by his mother Mrs Fishwife who wheeled him in his stroller to Fishwife road blocks where they shouted "No Pope here" and called anyone who wanted to get on with their lives "Fenian fuckers" while blocking the roads with their babies.

The superhero has the power to be pigheaded and close minded, his battle cry is "No Surrender" and can go into a steroid induced rage at any moment knee-capping all around him including his fellow Prods, he also has sex-ray vision and thinks hes god's gift to weemen because hes tough.

He does have his weaknesses, he flinches if you say, "power sharing, peace process and decommissioning of weapons."
Here are my suggestions:

Captain Taig hater
Paisleyman
Pumped iron to make up for his small penisman
Captain Shit-stirrer
No-man
Looks Ghyer than Johnny Adairman
The Knee-capper

Catholic master baiter-man

Bitterballs (I may have to copyright)

I can't wait to see his young side kick "Ulster fry" who has the power to throw half-bricks.