The Last Words Of Jesus Were, "I'll Be Back."

Some people say he looks like a big fat devil here but I can't see it, maybe its his red shirt that does it.

How did that fat crazy cunt end up with her ? answers on a postcard please.

Ten years ago David Shayler was an MI5 officer. He gave a interview to some newspapers accusing MI5 and MI6 of illegal activities and saying that MI6 had tried to assassinate the nappy headed Libyan leader, Colonel Gaddafi. Not one of my better jobs I must say. I missed with my rifle as the sun was in my eyes and I had a cold, then I came up with a cunning plan to poison his milkshakes only to find he was lactose intolerant, well that explains the farting.

When Shayler the traitor caused this national scandal he then fled to France with his girlfriend, MI5 officer Annie Machon, after three years in exile and four months in a French jail he returned home in 2000 to a six month jail sentence and a ruined career where he only served 7 weeks in prison. What ever happened to hung, drawn and quartered like Guy Fawkes and William Wallace?

His gurlfriend has since dumped him as he is a fucking nutter and she has said in a newspaper he became obsessed with the Kabbalah and very paranoid. Like someone who had just pissed off a load of spies and assassins.

He shaved off his hair and eyebrows and came up with wacky schemes about appearing on Big Brother shunning family and friends and kept pestering his gurlfriend to let him shit on her.

Now welcome the new and improved David Shayler who claims to be the Messiah and holds the secrets of eternal life. Meditation , research into Freemasonry, the Knights Templar and the Kabbalah showed him he was obviously the Christ, not Jesus oh no, that comes from the 13th name of God or something daft and kabbalah.

Having lost weight (due to guilt?) and wearing white I think he looks a bit like glam rocker and convicted pedo Gary Glitter .

He does think he has been crucified in a past live and claims to have lived as Astronges (a crucified Jewish revolutionary) George Washington, Pythagoras, Socrates, Leonardo da Vinci, Mark Antony and Lawrence of Arabia.

I'm Socrates, no I'm Socrates, hey I'd love to be that skinny dying fucker Mark Antony, imagine getting to bust J-Lo's brown star when ever you wanted. I see he was no one ordinary, I was Wola the dried shit collector for the fuzzywuzzy tribe in Africa in a past life, oh and I was Cleopatra too.

He got a psychic to channel the spirit of Mary Magdalene who anointed him the messiah and finally his whole life made sense. Ok someone really liked the Da Vinci code.
He has powers like every messiah does he can affect the weather, prevent terrorist attacks and influence football results. The attack on Glasgow airport happened when he questioned his faith in himself, heres an idea lad go up on a tall building and work on yer flying.

Shayler has proof, the rod of Aaron , the staff carried by Moses's brother has an anagram written on it in Hebrew which translated says: "David Shayler, Righteous King." Being trained to decode such things its a sign from God. If you play "I should be so lucky" by Kylie Minogue backwards you can hear "Old Knudsen is a destroyer of reason and is Satan's hoor." That means fuck all if you ask me, pure coincidence and don't believe it.

For the last few years since being blacklisted by MI5 he's been scratching a living giving talks to conspiracy theorists about 9/11 one of his ideas was that the Twin Towers were brought down by the U.S. Government using missiles surrounded by holograms made to look like planes.

Those dirty Yank bastards I had heard of such a thing but didn't think they would have the capability for another 10 years.

Remember people they thought Hannibal Lecter was mad but he was only hungry. I believe him, its not like hes been under tremendous stress for betraying his cuntry and its not like he does drugs, oh except he does smoke cannabis every day and takes the odd magic mushroom.

In 1991 on the Terry Wogan chat show David Icke former goalkeeper, sports presenter and politician for the Green party announced that he was "the son of God " and that the world was run in secret by 12ft shape shifting reptiles called the "IIIuminati." This more of less ruined it for any messiahs after that.

Shayler is a bit skeptical of Icke and rightly so he sounds like a nutter. I will only be convinced when Shayler does something of great benefit to mankind, namely turning the water that cums out of my kitchen sink tap to beer, yes it would be beer on tap. I say we validate his claims and nail him to a cross, just think how happy the lad would be.

Jesus wouldn't be a traitor and wouldn't be English notice that traitor and English both have 7 letters in them? as for Hebrew what the fuck? Jesus was Scottish and he wasn't into any fella's rods or rods that turned to trouser snakes. I think that he is a fucking loony but it was written that out of the dross will arise a massive throbbing blog of bitterness and cola shall be snorted out of the noses of angels and lesser beings will fall into madness for this is the second cumming, brace yerself.

Well ok I may have written that but Nostradamus predicted the messiah as being called Cold Rudeson , he was always a bit off that silly bugger.