She never called me afterwards, I feel so violated but in a nice way.
I just heard that working night shifts can cause cancer. Fuck sake I used to work night shifts as a grave robber back when young doctors needed cadavers to fondle and cut up that's when I ran into Count Dracula ::::spits::::: dirty Slavs, that fucker bit me in the neck.
I said hang on a minute Boris I'm not ghey its these trousers they are just a bit tight around the crotch, look you can see my bell end through them.
The dirty Slav bastard wanted to bite that too so I tricked him, I pulled it out much to that coffin packers delight and peed on him blessing it as it flowed holy piss Batman.
I became a Presbyterian minister on the Interweb so it burned him like fuck maybe it was the asparagus that burned him well it fucking well burned me, like pissing razor blades I think yer ma gave me the clap.
I told you he was a fucking up hill grave digger.He ran off screaming that he smelled like piss as if that's a bad thing welcome to my world.
I staggered to the ER as my life blood seeped out of my neck.
Two doctors were telling each other how they felt while a nurse in room 218 was saying goodbye to an old dying woman who taught her how to live again the place was like a fucking soap opera, "hello I'm fucking bleeding to death here" after I filled out a form I was put in a cubical my clothes were cover in blood and I was feeling weak, in walked a good looking male doctor with perfect hair, "hello I'm doctor McSweatyarsecrack and what seems to be the trouble with you?" I mumbled that I was bleeding from the neck after being bitten by a Slav, he looked angry "nasty things those Slavs I'll get you a tetanus jab and top up of blood" he turned to leave his soft bouncy hair gently lifting in the breeze and I was able to call out "make sure its Scottish blood and not Fenian " as I passed out through loss of blood.
"I've got some good news and some bad news, the bad news is that you're dying, the good news is that I'm hot."So I became a vampire but no ordinary vampire I was a crime fighting an evil hunting vampire, nah only kidding.
While most vampires move to America for movie deals and where the sun (our destroyer) is very hot I stayed in Killamory.
I only had to be careful about twice a year or summer as we call those days. In the North of the UK when people see the sun they either think its the end of the world or a UFO we vampires can walk in the daytime during cloudy days.
The cleaning lady only cums on Tuesdays
So being a vamp didn't change my lifestyle too dramatically. I had to wear black of course and slick my hair back oh and drain the blood from three people a day, if I missed a person I got grumpy as fuck. Its not as easy as you'd think to find victims to suck dry.
Its not like sex were you stick it in doon there, its more intimate, the last thing you want as yer sucking away is to see some head lice crawling yer way or see a bad case of dandruff getting all over yer black clothes.
Its hard to suck them doggy style so you can't avoid looking at ugly meals, if they are fat then you might miss the artery.
I'm not biting a bloke, maybe if it was Gerard Butler or someone but no I'm not having the rest of the vamps at the Tatty Twister (its a pub for vampires) saying I've gone all Transylvanian or Bohemian or whatever.
Children are safe cos I'm no pedo so that only leaves hot weemen, there is a sore shortage of hot weemen in the UK especially in Scotland where a woman is judged by her axe throwing abilities than her looks.
American weemen taste like plastic out gassing due to all the fake tits, the Canadian weemen are the ugly meals you have to bite while they are wearing bags but they are very polite. French weemen taste like garlic, I just don't like the smell of garlic nothing vampy and Russian weemen get you drunk with their high blood alcohol levels I went to Moscow for a visit and it ended up more like leaving Las Vegas I ended up on the 12 step program for alcoholics.
Meet my three brides, more like common in-law brides. You'd think turning three hot weemen into vamps would be great, 100 years for triple nagging and then they are off biting other men.
The older you get the less you can be arsed with hot weemen and all you can do is look at them while they make sure to stay out of arms length and I'm not as fast as I used to be.
So if you don't see me during a full moon then you know why I'll be off howling at the moon, no wait that's werewolves and the thing I do when I'm drunk as a skunk, pissed as a newt or intoxicated as a bastarding Lemur.
So if yer bit by Zoltan hound of Dracula do you become a vampire or just get rabies and die? ah such uninteresting questions my bloggers of the night.
So much for the three brides, divorce is not always hardest on the children.
I just thought I'd tell you this story as I heard that Dracula had just recently died of cancer, the night shifts of stalking virgin boys must have gotten to him, he got this big lump behind his ear, I blame his mobile phone I mean those signals just go through you to yer phone.
12 comments:
As your stylist, I'd like to suggest you sport a widow's peak to make your vampire look more convincing.
I read somewhere that geneticists found that all British peoples are the same people. They just look slightly different, as families of the same ethnic group will tend to look slightly different.
Hmmm.
can you turn into a bat? it would be cool if you could turn into a bat. one of those really big bats, like the ones that are like the size of a chihuahua and hang upside down. did you know people eat those? do they turn into vampires? or do the bats turn into people-pires? that would be rad. it would be like regular people, right? but they'd be really little and chihuahuas would be like a horse to them and they could ride them like horses maybe, if they had a realy little saddle. and female chihuahuas would be like cows and the people-pires would milk them and have chihuahua milk on their cereal and in their coffee and crap, plus their kids would have to drink it because they're too little to milk a cow. they're probably afraid of cows. but mice would be like their dogs.
mj yer all about the style.
matt Stop reading Dan Brown he'll rot yer brain.
inner voices yer just glad to be safe from a sucking.
firstnations huh what was the question again?
This is the first time I've seen you mention your own camel toe. Pictures??
Other than blood what is your drink of choice? You gotta be lagged up.
portia I have to wear tight trousers to reduce my sperm count, I'll see what I can do about pictures, I got a flood of people begging to see it.
ok it was just you.
marky I'm on the wagon, only beer and vodka for me as Whisky makes me want to kill the English.
whiskey makes me post pictures of small dogs.
Fuck your vicious comments about doctors, Mr Knudsen. You haven't changed a bit in the last few months. Most of us in the profession have killed no more than seven people in our careers. Can one say the same for soldiers? I think not. Ah ha haha haaaah; got you there.
Oh, and your anti-Dan Brown comments to Matt make me suspect that you're a secret member of Opus Dei and therefore a closet Papist and consequently you hold the seed of a homosexual within you. Not literally, one hopes.
Please understand that my comments are not intended to hurt, but to heal. You need therapy, Mr Knudsen. My rates, incidentally, are very modest.
a boxer please stop drinking.
foot eater opus dei? is that rhyming slang fer ghey? seven people? you just aren't trying hard enough.Never mind yer rates what about me I'm irate, heal my scorn Ka-chow!
Good grief, I think you've mastered the art of spinning yarn. More than entertaining, I love it!
I can not only spin yarn but I knit.
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