League Of Super Pals

Back in the day we figured out that it costs $63 a day to be a super hero and in Canada and the UK it's free. Nope it just isn't worth the effort. Back in the day when we had a team we were fighting crime and keeping the public safe, we were known as The Justice Peace league of Super Violent Vigilantes.

I was in course in charge being a natural leader type.  Others have always just looked up to me, especially when I'd sell drugs at the Primary schools though even those kids are as tall as adults these days thanks to corn syrup and hormones in the food.
They called me a speedster cos after I take a magic potion I can stay up for hours cleaning and running around, my superhero name was Super Sprint. I'd say, "Never fear SS is here" .... as with anything I never gained mainstream success, too edgy for those cunts I suppose. Too fast for their cameras maybe.

  The Universal Freedom Fisters.  

  
Everyone and their Ma was dressing as superheroes and running around wearing masks, no wonder the police felt so useless and tried to take our power by demanding we tell our true identities. We couldn't for fear of public embarrassment our families being put into danger.

We knew when crimes were to take place because we had the mysterious Seer on our team, he left after winning the Super Lotto 5 times in a row and moved to Florida. I had to readjust the team. Since we no longer knew when any crime was to happen we were never there in time to stop them so I renamed us the Revengers, after a crime we'd break into prison and exact revenge onto the evil doer.

 
On our team was Cat Lady, she gained the powers of a cat from her 43 pets. She'd come and go when she pleased, shit in a box and would often just sit there and lick her bits .... you would think that wouldn't get old to watch but it did.
Of course she would never come to meetings if dog boy was there, they would fight like ..... well a lot.  He was handy to have around because if someone came to our secret lair in Topeka he'd be up and barking at the door warning us that some one was there ... I hated the way he watched me eat in the hopes that I dropped something, the rolling in poo was fine, he had his ways, we all did. He left the group when someone left the door open, I suspect Cat lady did it.

Then there was Black Widow, she got her name because she had been married 4 times, each husband unfortunately died in their sleep of unknown causes. Every meeting we'd just start by saying sorry for her loss. The only good thing to come of her power was the ability to insure her husbands before hand.

She was sassy and would take no shit, these days she'd be called a Widow of Colour but back then we didn't have time to be PC .... Black Widow, use yer ain't got time for this shit uppity ability. Her power to get refunds without the receipts was legendary. Just don't go to the cinema with her unless you like people shouting all through the movie.

We had a fling which really pissed off Cat Lady but Black Widow was too interested in being married in order to unlock everything she did in the bedroom, she must have been religious or something. Tempting but it was just not meant to be, I still had 3 other divorces pending.    

I just want to take this time to remember Captain Atomic. His power was a one off but came in handy when an evil villain tried to take over the Nevada desert. There are still places there you can't go, not because of radiation but because they are still covered in bits of Captain Atomic .... lest we forget. I salute him every time I have a double bean and cheese burrito, may my ass explosions be in his name.

When you have a team of assholes misfits on the fringe of society it's hard to keep them together. Things fell apart when Cat Lady fell off a keyboard and broke her hip.  Black widow's 7th husband woke up and filed some bogus criminal charges against her and the invisible guy, we think we know where we left him but being naked and invisible he probably died of hypothermia. Every now and then in the north of Scotland you hear stories of hikers tripping over things that aren't there.      

I had my own melt down when I shouted "Never fear SS is here" and a Holocaust survivor had a heart attack ... what, too soon?

I took more and more of my magic potion until I hit Rock Bottom ... I totally hit that. Her super power was buns of steel, her twerking could deflect bullets. She made me believe in myself again. She passed away a few years ago stopping a robbery when she took one up the ass ... but that's besides the point, she was killed because she didn't look both ways crossing the street, the only thing left of her after that bus hit her was her perfect ass.

I think some cop took it home or something.

I stopped taking my magic potion when I went into rehab became a recluse in my lair of solitude and reflection. I looked within and found what I was afraid of most ... Lemurs! I would make the criminals feel my fear, I'd become:

Lemurman .... Captain Lemur, The Lemur ??? I don't know. Stories of a 6 foot tall lemur fighting crime spread throughout the suburbs. I didn't mind cos I'm nowhere near 6 foot so yay!

I would use my big bug eyes to see in the dark and to stare into the souls of evil doers. I would also body shame people and comment on their fashion sense ... double denim .... seriously? ... horizontal stripes?

After I posted a picture of a fat person at the gym on Twitter I felt the tide turn against us super heroes. People were judging me ... how dare they! 'How can you body shame these people Lemurman, they are just trying to improve themselves, why don't you look at yourself in the mirror, you aren't perfect.'

I couldn't look at myself in the mirror as it would scare the shit out of me.  You dress as a lemur and people go on about you having issues and that you are mentally unstable. I wanted to buy a gun and just shoot them all but not even US gun shops sell AR-15's to lemurs, stoopid American bigotry. 

G-string Force ... Battle of the planets, who remembers that? Why was Jason always a dick?  

I'm too old for crime fighting now. Just don't be so quick to condemn a bloke in a leotard at least he is attempting to right wrongs. We can't all look like Chris pine Chris Hemsworth Chris Evans. Some of us are too lazy to werk out just not that shape.      

Don't let the judgements and issues of others stop you from being super. If yer power is to pull out yer cock on a bus then be yerself, they are just jealous that they don't have amazing abilities.

Nipples For Charity

I read this story in the Belfast Telegraph online in which it said that people all across Northern Ireland were taking a New year dip in the cold ocean for charity.

Photos of attractive gurls with not much clothes on often generates interest in a story for Old Knudsen that he may have otherwise have missed .... yes I hates meself for being so shallow but after a few pics I get over that.

Whitley bay.

I looked at the above picture and thought, 'good looking shapely weemen, where in Northern Ireland are they from?' It turns out that these lassies were in England ... aye that's about right. For a moment I was impressed with the lack of fake tans, blonde bleached hair and mannish features.

Helen Slater has really let herself go a bit. 

No, this was what Northern Ireland had to offer. While I'm sure she has a nice personality and is quite jolly I don't want to see her gasping in an erotica way at the cold water as her nips pop up like corks.

Yes, DC does turn Old Knudsen off.

My Tits Are Thor

Thor with big knockers?

Marvel comics came out and shocked everyone by announcing that Thor will become a female, yes the big fella with long blonde hair and huge pecs will be a gurly wurly. Of course he'll only be a gurl for the comics so do we really care? 

Who the fuck reads those anyway? When I was younger and at an age to appreciate comics I didn't have the money to buy them.  Northern Ireland isn't exactly civilization and was even worse back then, you'd only ever see a marvel comic if the person who got the Newsagent's shop to order it didn't pick it up and they put it out for general sale. No idea what happened before or after but they looked cool. 

Thor being female is just stupid, he's so dumb and manly that you could just about imagine him as being ghey on the doonlow or in prison but never a gurl. The hammer is a penis for fucks sake! 

I like gurls in tight pants who kick high.

Screenwriter, director and producer Joss Whedon has written for X-men and Spider man and writes and directs the Avenger movies. He's famous for having strong female leads like in Buffy and Dollshouse who can kick ass .... which is really an excuse to see gurls kick high and hey lets call it sexual equality. 

Whedon is all for female Thor ..... try saying that with a clothes peg attached to yer tongue. He even suggested that Katee Sackoff could do it. She played a female Starbuck in the Battlestar Galactica series in 2004 which as we all know kicked arse. Aye she was pretty good but no way as Thor, shut yer cock hole Whedon! It has been suggested that she'd make a good Captain Marvel should that ever get made. 

Ya make shite like Antman but there's no love for Captain Marvel or She-hulk. 

I want to see hot weemen in tight outfits and green body paint .... um for sexual equality of course. Black widow with her little pistols was just too gurly still. Am I right sistas? 

Where the white women at? 

Next up in the comics is an African American Captain America. What the fuck? yeah um a Captain America of color reflects today's world ... Jesus was white, are you going to make him black next? 

Lets talk about what reflects today's world. African Americans are only 12% of the US population, Hispanics are at 16% quit the racist bullshit and give us some wetback superheroes.  Border man, with the ability to bypass US technology and sneak into the cuntry to claim ALL the welfare benefits. 

Captaino Lawn guy with the power to work harder than the typical American because that's what they do. Entitled Americans just hate immigrants because they make them look bad. Hispanics are really very under represented in the superhero world.

Chris Evans, the real Captain America. 

Luckily this shit is also confined to the comics. Cap can't get his shield up anymore (it happens to the best of us) and so says to Sam Wilson (The Falcon) "Look Sam, yer Superhero is kinda fucking lame, a black man with wings flying around, yer scaring the children and then there was that woman who was knocked unconscious by yer huge flying cock, put on my outfit for a while and pull a few shifts as Captain America."

It's as if the people at Marvel are bored, their story lines read more like a soap than a comic... oh look, Thor's long lost sister that hes never mentioned, she's called Thorina. 

Are we just trying to get female comic book fans cos I think the blokes in tight outfits is working. Oh it's making Marvel more 21st century, will we have a few queer superfabulousheroes? 

Pepper I can explain, his spider cock got stuck in my arse. 

Has anyone noticed that I've used the word cock now four times so far? What about a female Iron man, maybe make her the Iron lady, oh wait that's been used, Gog rest her blackened soul. 

Everyone knows there was a female Iron man when Pepper Pots put on her pickled peppered armour. That was the Rescue armour of course. 

What about Hawk eye being male? has anyone said this? 'yeah he can shoot an arrow 500 metres and split a hair in two but can he pee in the toilet without getting it all over the place?'

Go make a mess of some new superheroes and leave the established ones alone, if I have to see another Spider man origins story I'll scream. What about Power man ? turn him into an angry black woman instead of a man, "Ain't nobody got time for that" his sidekick Iron fist is a white blonde dude all into martial arts, now that is a character no one cares about, give him a make over for the Asians at 4.8% of the US population and make him less master racy.

Super Meeting

Thank you for making some heh wonderful points Wonder Woman I'm sure that from now on everyone will make sure to tidy up after themselves in the tea room.

Down to more serious matters. Its fast approaching the end of the month which means the rent for the hall of justice is due again and with the ever increasing electric bill and water rates we are forced to make some cut backs in many departments, fear not! the gym will remain open and our health supplements/boosters will be available .

Hal the super computer can only be used after 5pm when the electricity rates are lower and I'm not looking at anyone in-particular 'Aquaman' but no more Farmville or Mafia Wars as we've had too many false reports of lost animals and crime sprees.

Sadly we also have to let go many of the sidekicks but they will have the option to stay on as super interns until a law is passed to make us pay them minimum wage. Check out the hero board on your way out for your name.
Before anyone makes any snide comments Robin can stay with Batman on an unpaid basis since they have a civil union together there will be no favoritism for senior league members.

Thank you for all for turning up today especially those who had the day off and remember to log in all your hero jobs if you want reimbursed for food and travel now lets hit the gym!

I'll Scratch Yer Eyes Out Bitch

Old Knudsen has mentioned before that he has enjoyed the odd comic book in his time. Not just the Dandy and the Beano but also superhero ones too.

Of all the heroes my main favourites were Captain Britain and Wolverine. The former being a full of himself upper class, alcoholic twat and the latter being a gruff outsider.



Wolverine has now thanks to Hollywood gone mainstream and now teenage cunts who have watched the films think they know Wolverine but they don't.


Old Knudsen actually owned this particular comic. He left it behind in a bed sit he lived in around the early 90's.

Its not Wolverine and the X-men its Wolverine in the X-men as a team player and never to my knowledge any type of leader as he was an anti-hero who bucked authority probably due to appearing not too long after Nam.

He appeared in 1974 in The Hulk comic and became Marvel's version of Batman getting his own comic in 1988.
Old Knudsen never religiously collected comics but if they were there on the shelf he might buy the odd one.

Besides Wolverine going mainstream they have made him into a cute wee puppy. The original Wolverine is 5 foot 3in built like a brick shit hoose and a total drinking, smoking barely in control brawling killer.

Do these claws and belt buckle make me look ghey?

The new Wolverine is 6 foot 2in and looks like her prefers lite beer and show tunes, too civilised no matter how much snarling posing he does.

Yes Old Knudsen is going off Wolverine. Its like Martin Riggs after the first Lethal weapon, they should have called it 'Barely lethal Weapon 2,3 & 4 ' .


I thought you'd be taller bub!

Wolverine is Canadian but has been around since the 19th century and has traveled so has been cured of the oot and aboot thing.

Old Knudsen's point is 'Popularity breeds cuntempt'.


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Chicks Dig The Car

Wow the new Batman film, I didn't go and see it. I did just read about it on two other blogs so that will do me. Ok so Heath Ledger died and the ghouls want to see the movie I went through all this with The Crow and that TV series with the male model who was really a spy, I can't be arsed remembering the title so impress me and tell me .

Ledger seemed like a nice bloke and was a decent actor but I can live without Batman, sorry mate you'll be remembered as the ghey cowboy who fucked with Batman. I'll remember you as the Aussie that shagged some very hot weemen in real life , well done lad.

Well at least the Joker isn't dancing to Prince tunes and how could he have killed Batman's parents? sounds half-arsed to me, lets just change everything why don't we.

Batman is a useless fucker, like James Bond with a bat fetish. No powers to speak of the only difference is that he is rich and has gadgets . I wonder what Donald Trump, Bill Gates or Richard Branson would look like in super hero costumes in fact Batman isn't even a 'super' hero.

I dislike the franchises that dish out and rehash the hero, oh whats the blonde Bond going to be like? away and fuck its like a soap opera in which a main character goes off to pursue a music career and so they replace them with someone else its just an excuse for nerds to argue about the best one .

Christain Bale may be a fine peice of man meat but its all shot in the dark so CGI can be added big time so who cares what he looks like it isn't even him.

In the old days you could tell when a stunt man is on screen now you can just assume its a computer graphic .

Hellboy 2 seems interesting to me but I'll wait for DVD as spending a fortune to sit with germy strangers who won't shut up isn't appealing to me and I'll see Batman like the other one when it comes on the telly.

As for dark knight its spelled 'night' for fucks sake get it right you idiots.



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Old Knudsen Considers The Penis

Keep it in the cage Hulky lad. I'm not a fan of bodybuilders or construction workers in general. Anyone that stands in front of a full length mirror to see their muscles ripple needs to get a life or a real gurlfriend.
Old Knudsen does have a fine set of guns on him but that's from years of digging ditches and working doon pit and I may like to watch my sexual technique in a mirror but that's different.

Men body builders want to look strong because they are afraid about their small willys and hate weemen anyway, weemen body builders just want to stop being weak females and want to be strong men, can't blame them now go put the kettle on for me love, 2 sugars ya sexy thing.

When I heard they wanted to remake the crappy Hulk film I sent in my screen play.

It was about Dr Bruce Banner who got painful 4 hour erections and rather than going to another doctor cos doctors are shite and he didn't have medical coverage (social message there) he zapped himself with Gamma radiation as you do and became a green body builder with a tiny knob.

The only problem being is that he was angry and being a body builder his reasoning power was sponsored by steroids.

Hulk angry but doesn't know why, must smash and look at my pecs while I do it.

He just wants to tie up white weemen so he can feel powerful.

See this lass doesn't work out and her knob is massive, its good to see such confidence.

Why are super heroes all muscular? when do they find the time to pump iron and is it a job requirement? I think a 100 LBS skinny dying fucker should be able to have super strength and be bullet proof.

Maybe lifting cars and throwing them at villains is a workout so you end up with muscles.

I always wondered how people in the comics don't suss out that so and so are super heroes as they have square jaws, thick hair and big muscles or the weemen are just a little too hot.

I wonder if Spiderman is hung like a spider and that's why he won't get it on with MJ, no not the blogger MJ shes into oiled up midgets anyway.

Instead of Batman and Robin it should be Batman and pitcher or giverman and takerboy, see the way Catwoman was baddie? weemen hating I tell you all due to bad sexual experiences with small cocks, trust me on that as I have a friend who was belittled by a woman when he whipped out his tiny curly wurly , no honestly it was a friend.

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Super DVD

I was thinking about having superpowers as I was looking at the young weemen on the bus dressed in their tight revealing leopard skin print clothing with a ton of makeup on shivering in the brisk Killamory evening on their way out to some club to dance around their handbags.

The usual invisibility came to mind as I could feel them up un-noticed or watch them as later on they have a drunken shag bent over a wheelie bin in some romantic alley. Everyone thinks about invisibility how boring.

I then thought of a really good one. The power to fire wet concrete from my hands, like the ice-man but with concrete. I could make it set super fast and get paid millions paving 3rd world countries like Ireland or Africa.

If some one shot a gun at me my super thick concrete wall would save me and then fall doon on them. I could sneakily put speed bumps on the roads where the little boy racers in their Honda civics tear doon or fire out bolts of concrete at Mosques and Synagogues breaking their windows and just stand there looking all innocent .

I would be the master of concrete, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! of course I should have a cool name. I thought about Constructo but that reminds me of the worker in the Village People. So then I though Man-Crete or Con-Man, maybe even Man-Cretion, here is a couple of open questions for you to abuse, what would you call me? and what would yer power be?

I got home with my DVD that I rented out, "Fisting Firemen Four" I had heard good reviews about it and a lot of Oscar buzz.

I opened the box and found they had given me the wrong one, those dopey fuckers. I wasn't going all the way doon the road to change it so I put it into my recently *found* DVD player.

It was some space film I had never heard of called, "Space heroes" The hero of the film had a chip on his shoulder when he failed at something resulting in the deaths of millions. He was talking to an alien mate of his who had just made a mistake, he said, "I know how you feel fucking up and all" I'm paraphrasing here. The Alien said "No I welcome what you Earthlings call 'fucking up' because then I get the chance to learn from my mistakes," then he said some words of wisdom that really made me think." Those who never try never fail" this theme makes a comeback near the end of the film when the hero hears those words like Obi-wan Kenobi in Star Wars to Luke and it motivates him. I can't remember too much about the end as I was too pished.

I did learn something valuable, "Those who never try never fail" so to not put yerself in the position of being a loser or failure you should never try. Getting the wrong DVD must have been a message straight from god.

*If the police ask thats my story*

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I Need A Hero

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

The Protestant Orange Order of Northern Ireland hopes to win a new generation of fans with their own superhero.

The Orange Order may dates the 17th century battle for supremacy between Protestantism and Catholicism (the prods won BTW) but now they have high hopes for this 21st century makeover.

No more King William 3rd of Orange, the small skinny bloke with the curly wig they now have a muscular cape wearing superhero type who can beat the evil T.A.I.G. (Terrorist Arsehole and Irish Gheylords) empire run by Darth Fenian and his legions of Stormstickys.

Orangeman David Hume says the idea is to make themselves more relevant to the young and "appear less stuffy and more homo erotic ".

They are to send out the superprod on Christmas cards but still need a name for him, Orangeman is too obvious.

Born on the 11th night of July beside a bonfire and a bottle of "beat the wife" with the mystical red hand birthmark on his neck he was taught the ways of the Prod by his mother Mrs Fishwife who wheeled him in his stroller to Fishwife road blocks where they shouted "No Pope here" and called anyone who wanted to get on with their lives "Fenian fuckers" while blocking the roads with their babies.

The superhero has the power to be pigheaded and close minded, his battle cry is "No Surrender" and can go into a steroid induced rage at any moment knee-capping all around him including his fellow Prods, he also has sex-ray vision and thinks hes god's gift to weemen because hes tough.

He does have his weaknesses, he flinches if you say, "power sharing, peace process and decommissioning of weapons."
Here are my suggestions:

Captain Taig hater
Paisleyman
Pumped iron to make up for his small penisman
Captain Shit-stirrer
No-man
Looks Ghyer than Johnny Adairman
The Knee-capper

Catholic master baiter-man

Bitterballs (I may have to copyright)

I can't wait to see his young side kick "Ulster fry" who has the power to throw half-bricks.