Death Happens

At the end of the game both the pawn and the king go into the same box. 

Death is the great equalizer, the older I get the more I hedge my bets with the afterlife. It's difficult to pick which fairy story is the correct one considering no one has come back to tells us. I often look to the sky and say, "Please dear gods just show me a sign"  then I get knocked doon by the number 42 bus on the way to Cockwood. 

"Was that a sign, can I have another just to be sure?"  

I've been seeing a lot of TV commercials very concerned with the debt you'll leave loved ones should you die, then there was yon fella in the mall with the free will with every life insurance bought. I don't like the idea of life insurance, too tempting for some. It should be called death assurance.

Then there was the crazy psychic who told me I was going to die and to get my affairs in order. I came clean about the possible STD's they may have caught and ended my affairs ... I'm not dead yet, just horny and lonely. 

I doubt my family will claim my body, if I die anywhere near them. I fully expect to be dumped by the side of the road. Don't waste money on a grave or cremation, let me join with the earth and be something for children to poke at with a stick on their way to school. Make sure you harvest my organs, I promise not to take over the host body. I really hope me eyes goes to someone with a hot wife ..... I do like to watch. 

Old Knudsen has died before, once for yer sins but after 3 days he came back, then when the planets had aligned which brought him back again and then in the future when his clone had his consciousness downloaded into it, and then when he was attacked by a rage infected ape in Tesco, ach Old Knudsen's life often seems as if Steven Moffat or Joss Whedon is writing it at times. Old Knudsen has died and cum back more times than Sam and Dean Winchester from Supernatural.  

Did Old Knudsen survive man flu or did he really die from it but just appears to be alive? 

   

 Wow Old Knudsen I totally believe you.

I would not be surprised if you didn't believe me, luckily you all know how honest I am and would never make up such things.   

When Orifice offered me the choice of pills to take either the blue one ... the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.

Or the red one ... you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I'm offering is the truth. 

Well I don't do too well with choice, I freak out at Subway when they ask me what I want on me sub, we Brits are used to putting up with what we are given, choice is something that Yanks are into. I took both pills to be on the safe side a few green ones I had saved for special occasions. Now I know all about the rabbit's hole. Now I see that U are at the centre of truth.

The billionaire will die as will the hobo, both will probably shit themselves too. When Old Knudsen eventually rages against the dying of the light you know for sure he'll not go gentle into that good night. All the gods, angels and spirits will be on alert and there had better be a nice cuppa waiting. 

Do not grieve, for Old Knudsen will be on just another adventure but don't go messing with his stuff for who knows, he may return. What kind of god would create humans and have them spend 70 - 100 years experiencing, learning and maybe even growing as a person to just have all that thrown away? 

As Maya Angelou said "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." 

Will you feel more than just aroused when Old Knudsen dies? Never fear, when I gets my new body I'll no doubt blog about it. 

 

Joss Whedon Is Too Busy Being A Legend To Be On Twitter

Joss Whedon is one of those guys that when you see he's involved in a TV show or a movie you say, "I might just give this a chance" unless it's Dollhouse which was utter shite.

To remind you of the good shit he has done he wrote the screenplay for Toystory and Atlantis the lost empire, was Titan A.E. any good? He wrote the Buffy movie ... bleh and created the brilliant Buffy TV show, and amazing Firefly TV show and movie and the very cool Angel TV show. He wrote The cabin in the woods which to my mind is classic Whedon fun, you can see his fingerprints all over it.

He wrote Dr Horrible sing along blog and wrote The Avengers screenplay and created Marvel Agents of Shield with his brother and sister in-law. He is one of those guys who gives work to the cool actors he's worked with previously. Shane Black is someone he has worked with and another one of those genius storytelling types.

While Old Knudsen is not queer he'd totally suck Whedon's juicy fat cock and gobble his man gravy like it was from KFC. Me useless man nipples are up and cutting my shirt like razors just thinking about it.

So there is this whole Black Widow gate thing in which Disney has been branded as sexist because there are loads of Marvel movies out and coming out (you hear that DC?) but no gurl hero movies ... oh sorry, that should be herowine herowin heroin not hero, I don't want to upset the little ladies, they might miss a stitch.

 

     No one tells me when I've had too much, not you or Black fucking slutty Widow.

Jeremy Renner who plays the Angry Archer in the Avengers did some Black Widow slut shaming because her character flirts. He issued an apology and then did the same thing on another show even though it upset people but he doesn't get it cos she's fictional, it's all silly to him.

No one has called for his character to get his own movie by the way.

Even Malala has called the Black Widow movie an important feminist issue to get behind, as long as they cover Black Widow's shameful female body head to toe and have her character chaperoned .  

The Rev Al Sharpton supports a movie too but the name should be changed to Fine Ass Cracker Ho of Color.

Whedon has done a Stephen Fry and quit Twitter in a huff ....  no not really the bloke is very Busy (unlike Fry) and tweeting is too much stupid and work to put up with.

In the Age of Ultron Black Widow says that she was sterilized so she wouldn't waste precious Soviet rubles on maternity leave and what if she never came back? To show they aren't sexist Disney is to appease the fans by giving her a prince to marry and advise fans to let it go and shouldn't little gurls be buying Frozen merchandise? 

Scarlett Johansson has been told to drop 10 LBS for the screen wedding which is to happen after the Captain America and Iron man movie called Captain America: Civil partnership in which Disney show they are also not homophobic.

Will the public swallow it?

So Whedon is booked up making movies until his tragic death at the young age of 67, can you blame him for giving up Twitter? Does Old Knudsen get paid for blogging? Pay me and I'll stop you tight fisted scrooges.

Smith is the bald one beside Harley Quinn. 

In other news DC have released like one photo of the eagerly anticipated Suicide Squad staring Will Smith, fans asked delving questions like 'Why do I only recognize Harley Quinn?' and 'Why does Harley Quinn look like Baby Spice?' and my favourite, 'Will, why are you not going to be in the Independence day sequel?'   

Smith was busy getting his aura cleansed in some secret Scientology ritual to comment.   


   

My Tits Are Thor

Thor with big knockers?

Marvel comics came out and shocked everyone by announcing that Thor will become a female, yes the big fella with long blonde hair and huge pecs will be a gurly wurly. Of course he'll only be a gurl for the comics so do we really care? 

Who the fuck reads those anyway? When I was younger and at an age to appreciate comics I didn't have the money to buy them.  Northern Ireland isn't exactly civilization and was even worse back then, you'd only ever see a marvel comic if the person who got the Newsagent's shop to order it didn't pick it up and they put it out for general sale. No idea what happened before or after but they looked cool. 

Thor being female is just stupid, he's so dumb and manly that you could just about imagine him as being ghey on the doonlow or in prison but never a gurl. The hammer is a penis for fucks sake! 

I like gurls in tight pants who kick high.

Screenwriter, director and producer Joss Whedon has written for X-men and Spider man and writes and directs the Avenger movies. He's famous for having strong female leads like in Buffy and Dollshouse who can kick ass .... which is really an excuse to see gurls kick high and hey lets call it sexual equality. 

Whedon is all for female Thor ..... try saying that with a clothes peg attached to yer tongue. He even suggested that Katee Sackoff could do it. She played a female Starbuck in the Battlestar Galactica series in 2004 which as we all know kicked arse. Aye she was pretty good but no way as Thor, shut yer cock hole Whedon! It has been suggested that she'd make a good Captain Marvel should that ever get made. 

Ya make shite like Antman but there's no love for Captain Marvel or She-hulk. 

I want to see hot weemen in tight outfits and green body paint .... um for sexual equality of course. Black widow with her little pistols was just too gurly still. Am I right sistas? 

Where the white women at? 

Next up in the comics is an African American Captain America. What the fuck? yeah um a Captain America of color reflects today's world ... Jesus was white, are you going to make him black next? 

Lets talk about what reflects today's world. African Americans are only 12% of the US population, Hispanics are at 16% quit the racist bullshit and give us some wetback superheroes.  Border man, with the ability to bypass US technology and sneak into the cuntry to claim ALL the welfare benefits. 

Captaino Lawn guy with the power to work harder than the typical American because that's what they do. Entitled Americans just hate immigrants because they make them look bad. Hispanics are really very under represented in the superhero world.

Chris Evans, the real Captain America. 

Luckily this shit is also confined to the comics. Cap can't get his shield up anymore (it happens to the best of us) and so says to Sam Wilson (The Falcon) "Look Sam, yer Superhero is kinda fucking lame, a black man with wings flying around, yer scaring the children and then there was that woman who was knocked unconscious by yer huge flying cock, put on my outfit for a while and pull a few shifts as Captain America."

It's as if the people at Marvel are bored, their story lines read more like a soap than a comic... oh look, Thor's long lost sister that hes never mentioned, she's called Thorina. 

Are we just trying to get female comic book fans cos I think the blokes in tight outfits is working. Oh it's making Marvel more 21st century, will we have a few queer superfabulousheroes? 

Pepper I can explain, his spider cock got stuck in my arse. 

Has anyone noticed that I've used the word cock now four times so far? What about a female Iron man, maybe make her the Iron lady, oh wait that's been used, Gog rest her blackened soul. 

Everyone knows there was a female Iron man when Pepper Pots put on her pickled peppered armour. That was the Rescue armour of course. 

What about Hawk eye being male? has anyone said this? 'yeah he can shoot an arrow 500 metres and split a hair in two but can he pee in the toilet without getting it all over the place?'

Go make a mess of some new superheroes and leave the established ones alone, if I have to see another Spider man origins story I'll scream. What about Power man ? turn him into an angry black woman instead of a man, "Ain't nobody got time for that" his sidekick Iron fist is a white blonde dude all into martial arts, now that is a character no one cares about, give him a make over for the Asians at 4.8% of the US population and make him less master racy.