Old Knudsen Reviews Guardians Of The Galaxy

If yer fast you can see Gamora do a massive yawn in a slo-mo walk scene.

Old Knudsen is a Marvel fan, the days of an unknown beefcake in spandex playing a super hero has gone, now we get known stars to work out and play super heroes. Sure the movies aren't deep, what they are is entertaining. 

Guardians of the galaxy movie has been around for a few weeks so I can now talk about it. It's about a ragtag group of aliens who become the guardians of the galaxy when they save it from a bad dude. They also become friends too.

 Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know how this machine works...

Chris Pratt plays Peter Quill otherwise known as Star Lord, the famous outlaw that no one has heard of. 

He was abducted from Earth in 1988 aged 10 on the same night that his mother died from cancer. The only thing he has to remember her is his walkman and a mix tape she made for him full of dodgy 60's and 70's music that plays all throughout the movie.

Songs like Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, I’m Not in Love, Cherry Bomb, Hooked on a Feeling, and yon Piña Colada Song .... did anyone else know that it wasn't penis colada? It sorta makes sense now. 

Such dodgy American music, I half expected James Earl Jones to interrupt the music by talking about Sprint texting and calling charges.  

Space doesn't have music as many seemed quite confused about it. The Jackson 5 would confuse anyone I suppose.

 I am Groot.

Vin Diesel plays a CGI tree named Groot, his script goes like this, I am Groot only to be changed later to We are Groot. It's his best work since Iron Giant, the man is an acting legend. Is there any stuffed nosed nasally deep voice that he can't do?

 Well I wasn't listening then, I was thinking about something else.

Drax the destroyer was a fun character, a walking muscle with Aspergers. When it's mentioned that metaphors go over his head he says, "NOTHING goes over my head!... My reflexes are too fast, I would catch it."

This was the movie that Karen Gillan shaved her head for. She breaks out her American space accent to play Nebula, a cyborg adopted daughter to evil space dude Thanos. She did well enough, I like seeing the acting methods she used throughout her time as Amy Pond in Doctor Who, she does this slight wobbly head thing and the teenage gurl slouch with a slanted tilt to her head for a pose. 

Uhuru was painted green and a talking raccoon shot big guns .... bored now. 

It was Chris Pratt who made the movie work. He's a great comedic actor and very likeable. His Character Peter Quill is like Han Solo and Indiana Jones combined, he has grown up with the heart ache of losing his mother and not knowing his father so he invested his time in being a walking ego with a glib comment or chat up line for every occasion. 

His most memorable scenes would be getting cattle prodded to Hooked on a feeling and challenging the big mean bad guy Ronan the Accuser to a dance off ..... I'm distracting you, you big turd blossom! 

As for surviving in space without a suit and breathing apparatus, NASA has said that it is possible for a few minutes and being part alien (it isn't a spoiler it's been known for years) he is stronger than the average human. 

Gamora:  And Quill, your ship is filthy. 

Peter Quill: Oh she has no idea. If I had a blacklight, this would look like a Jackson Pollock painting. 

Only Benicio del Toro could make this Liberace look seem menacing.  

The Collector who has only been seen on end credit scenes has a real scene, you get to see his collection a little more. There are Easter eggs for the comic buff to spot such as Adam Warlock's cocoon, Cosmo the space dog and a Dark Elf from Thor II .... After the credits you get to see Howard the Duck too .... A Howard the duck movie re-boot is not on the cards thank fuck. 

You can always spot the amateurs to Marvel movies, they leave before the credits end and miss the teaser scene at the end. There will be a Guardians of the galaxy II and I'll be there. 

There was more swearing in this film than usual, many jokes that teenagers won't get and of course the annoying ear worm music. It seemed like a long movie but it's packed full of jokes, explosions and action. No tits or ass but Marvel doesn't do that, it only does space violence and talking animals.  

There wasn't even any rape jokes during the prison scenes. When you go to prison you expect rape right? I mean what's the point of going if there is no rape?

 

My Tits Are Thor

Thor with big knockers?

Marvel comics came out and shocked everyone by announcing that Thor will become a female, yes the big fella with long blonde hair and huge pecs will be a gurly wurly. Of course he'll only be a gurl for the comics so do we really care? 

Who the fuck reads those anyway? When I was younger and at an age to appreciate comics I didn't have the money to buy them.  Northern Ireland isn't exactly civilization and was even worse back then, you'd only ever see a marvel comic if the person who got the Newsagent's shop to order it didn't pick it up and they put it out for general sale. No idea what happened before or after but they looked cool. 

Thor being female is just stupid, he's so dumb and manly that you could just about imagine him as being ghey on the doonlow or in prison but never a gurl. The hammer is a penis for fucks sake! 

I like gurls in tight pants who kick high.

Screenwriter, director and producer Joss Whedon has written for X-men and Spider man and writes and directs the Avenger movies. He's famous for having strong female leads like in Buffy and Dollshouse who can kick ass .... which is really an excuse to see gurls kick high and hey lets call it sexual equality. 

Whedon is all for female Thor ..... try saying that with a clothes peg attached to yer tongue. He even suggested that Katee Sackoff could do it. She played a female Starbuck in the Battlestar Galactica series in 2004 which as we all know kicked arse. Aye she was pretty good but no way as Thor, shut yer cock hole Whedon! It has been suggested that she'd make a good Captain Marvel should that ever get made. 

Ya make shite like Antman but there's no love for Captain Marvel or She-hulk. 

I want to see hot weemen in tight outfits and green body paint .... um for sexual equality of course. Black widow with her little pistols was just too gurly still. Am I right sistas? 

Where the white women at? 

Next up in the comics is an African American Captain America. What the fuck? yeah um a Captain America of color reflects today's world ... Jesus was white, are you going to make him black next? 

Lets talk about what reflects today's world. African Americans are only 12% of the US population, Hispanics are at 16% quit the racist bullshit and give us some wetback superheroes.  Border man, with the ability to bypass US technology and sneak into the cuntry to claim ALL the welfare benefits. 

Captaino Lawn guy with the power to work harder than the typical American because that's what they do. Entitled Americans just hate immigrants because they make them look bad. Hispanics are really very under represented in the superhero world.

Chris Evans, the real Captain America. 

Luckily this shit is also confined to the comics. Cap can't get his shield up anymore (it happens to the best of us) and so says to Sam Wilson (The Falcon) "Look Sam, yer Superhero is kinda fucking lame, a black man with wings flying around, yer scaring the children and then there was that woman who was knocked unconscious by yer huge flying cock, put on my outfit for a while and pull a few shifts as Captain America."

It's as if the people at Marvel are bored, their story lines read more like a soap than a comic... oh look, Thor's long lost sister that hes never mentioned, she's called Thorina. 

Are we just trying to get female comic book fans cos I think the blokes in tight outfits is working. Oh it's making Marvel more 21st century, will we have a few queer superfabulousheroes? 

Pepper I can explain, his spider cock got stuck in my arse. 

Has anyone noticed that I've used the word cock now four times so far? What about a female Iron man, maybe make her the Iron lady, oh wait that's been used, Gog rest her blackened soul. 

Everyone knows there was a female Iron man when Pepper Pots put on her pickled peppered armour. That was the Rescue armour of course. 

What about Hawk eye being male? has anyone said this? 'yeah he can shoot an arrow 500 metres and split a hair in two but can he pee in the toilet without getting it all over the place?'

Go make a mess of some new superheroes and leave the established ones alone, if I have to see another Spider man origins story I'll scream. What about Power man ? turn him into an angry black woman instead of a man, "Ain't nobody got time for that" his sidekick Iron fist is a white blonde dude all into martial arts, now that is a character no one cares about, give him a make over for the Asians at 4.8% of the US population and make him less master racy.