Old Knudsen Reviews Guardians Of The Galaxy

If yer fast you can see Gamora do a massive yawn in a slo-mo walk scene.

Old Knudsen is a Marvel fan, the days of an unknown beefcake in spandex playing a super hero has gone, now we get known stars to work out and play super heroes. Sure the movies aren't deep, what they are is entertaining. 

Guardians of the galaxy movie has been around for a few weeks so I can now talk about it. It's about a ragtag group of aliens who become the guardians of the galaxy when they save it from a bad dude. They also become friends too.

 Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know how this machine works...

Chris Pratt plays Peter Quill otherwise known as Star Lord, the famous outlaw that no one has heard of. 

He was abducted from Earth in 1988 aged 10 on the same night that his mother died from cancer. The only thing he has to remember her is his walkman and a mix tape she made for him full of dodgy 60's and 70's music that plays all throughout the movie.

Songs like Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, I’m Not in Love, Cherry Bomb, Hooked on a Feeling, and yon Piña Colada Song .... did anyone else know that it wasn't penis colada? It sorta makes sense now. 

Such dodgy American music, I half expected James Earl Jones to interrupt the music by talking about Sprint texting and calling charges.  

Space doesn't have music as many seemed quite confused about it. The Jackson 5 would confuse anyone I suppose.

 I am Groot.

Vin Diesel plays a CGI tree named Groot, his script goes like this, I am Groot only to be changed later to We are Groot. It's his best work since Iron Giant, the man is an acting legend. Is there any stuffed nosed nasally deep voice that he can't do?

 Well I wasn't listening then, I was thinking about something else.

Drax the destroyer was a fun character, a walking muscle with Aspergers. When it's mentioned that metaphors go over his head he says, "NOTHING goes over my head!... My reflexes are too fast, I would catch it."

This was the movie that Karen Gillan shaved her head for. She breaks out her American space accent to play Nebula, a cyborg adopted daughter to evil space dude Thanos. She did well enough, I like seeing the acting methods she used throughout her time as Amy Pond in Doctor Who, she does this slight wobbly head thing and the teenage gurl slouch with a slanted tilt to her head for a pose. 

Uhuru was painted green and a talking raccoon shot big guns .... bored now. 

It was Chris Pratt who made the movie work. He's a great comedic actor and very likeable. His Character Peter Quill is like Han Solo and Indiana Jones combined, he has grown up with the heart ache of losing his mother and not knowing his father so he invested his time in being a walking ego with a glib comment or chat up line for every occasion. 

His most memorable scenes would be getting cattle prodded to Hooked on a feeling and challenging the big mean bad guy Ronan the Accuser to a dance off ..... I'm distracting you, you big turd blossom! 

As for surviving in space without a suit and breathing apparatus, NASA has said that it is possible for a few minutes and being part alien (it isn't a spoiler it's been known for years) he is stronger than the average human. 

Gamora:  And Quill, your ship is filthy. 

Peter Quill: Oh she has no idea. If I had a blacklight, this would look like a Jackson Pollock painting. 

Only Benicio del Toro could make this Liberace look seem menacing.  

The Collector who has only been seen on end credit scenes has a real scene, you get to see his collection a little more. There are Easter eggs for the comic buff to spot such as Adam Warlock's cocoon, Cosmo the space dog and a Dark Elf from Thor II .... After the credits you get to see Howard the Duck too .... A Howard the duck movie re-boot is not on the cards thank fuck. 

You can always spot the amateurs to Marvel movies, they leave before the credits end and miss the teaser scene at the end. There will be a Guardians of the galaxy II and I'll be there. 

There was more swearing in this film than usual, many jokes that teenagers won't get and of course the annoying ear worm music. It seemed like a long movie but it's packed full of jokes, explosions and action. No tits or ass but Marvel doesn't do that, it only does space violence and talking animals.  

There wasn't even any rape jokes during the prison scenes. When you go to prison you expect rape right? I mean what's the point of going if there is no rape?

 

Old Knudsen Reviews The Day

The Day is a movie I missed made in 2011. It stars the hobbit from Lost Dominic Monaghan, and Iceman from the X-men Shawn Ashmore , not an inspiring cast you may think and the budget wasn't huge but it does the trick.
Five survivors in a post apocalyptic world. They don't say what really happened but imply that it was pretty gruesome. The whole movie is almost black and white or maybe the director didn't realise his colour saturation was on full and said, "fuck it, left it and we'll see if anyone notices." Cheaper to do CGI anyways.

 It's tense and has jump out moments and you go through a kind of love/hate thing with the main characters .... mostly hate. Shannyn Sossamon plays the ridiculously photogenic survivor Shannon who is fucking useless and I wondered all through the film where I had seen her before, some drunken one night stand?... she'd be lucky, no she was the love interest in A Knight's tale .... Angel ::clap clap::: .... Golden years. 

The surprise star was the less attractive than Shannon but the person you'd want to back you up in a bar  fight Mary from the diary with pubes like steel wool, Ashley Bell. and then there was a token black guy.

There were shootings, brutal hand to hand, torture, cannibalism and family values. Can you sit through it you pussy cos it keeps changing on you and has different levels at play?   

It got Old Knudsen's blackened dried up heart a pounding and jump started his PTSD, I slept that night sitting with me back to the wall facing the door with combat knife in me hand. Well I tried to sleep but the manager of the KFC called the police ... ya wee cunt ya.

It's not as depressing as The Road, after that one I was ready to kill meself and join Charlize Theron in Heaven. 
As usual with post apocalyptic films it is the other people who are the most scary and are the biggest threat to survival. Why would you want to survive? Well Old Knudsen would continue on out of spite but would always save his last bullet just in case. 

If you can get past the hobbit's American accent and the fact it's a Canadian movie full of guns then the rest is a piece of pish. 

 

Old Knudsen Reviews Odd Thomas

I just saw this movie that I actually liked so now I'll share my opinion with you ...cos that's what I do. The movie was called Odd Thomas and is about a lad named Odd who lives in the Callyfornia toon of Pico Mundo.
Odd lives up to his name because he's psychic and sees dead people, some of them have a message for him and want justice for their death. His actions and the things he says get labeled as odd.

Odd is played by Anton Yelchin who played Chekov in Star Trek, the understanding police chief is played by Willem Dafoe who seems to be always trying to "get some" throughout the film.

A nice surprise in the movie was Odd's feisty but very nice gurlfriend as played by Addison Timlin who has very "adorable" legs which are constantly shown off gratuitously in underwear and short shorts. She is no stranger to gratuitous as she had a part in Californication which I may very well watch now. 

In this movie Timlin rivals Sandra Bullock in her ability to be the perfect movie gurlfriend .

She takes a great selfie too .... thanks lass I'm flattered.    

Based on a book bt Dean Kootnz, Odd not only sees dead people but he also sees creatures named Bodachs who are attracted by death and evil which they feed off. No one else can see the Bodachs but if they find out that you can see them .... well they they won't be very happy about it. 

Pico Mundo is suddenly inundated with Bodachs which leads Odd to conclude that there will be a massacre of some type. 

The real life version of a Bodach that Old Knudsen knows are the spirits that are attracted to people when they are feeling depressed, they see yer vulnerability like a beacon in the dark and rush to feed on yer fear.

If you find yerself with a case of the Bodachs, the best way to get rid of them is to get angry at them and tell them to fuck off, otherwise they will add to yer doonward spiral. 

It's a fun, action packed movie with a few twists along the way.  A likeable cast who can deal with the topic of mass murder and Devil worship and make it light and enjoyable. 

Old Knudsen would watch it again and not just for the short shorts.