A Salad Tosser

The Harlem Cafe in Belfast is doing good business by turning a negative into a positive. A woman on TripAdvisor had the prawn salad and called it the worst one she has had in her life and she has had loads of salads .... you wouldn't think it cos of the *size of her* but she ain't no salad dodger. *Pure speculation*    

The owner of the award winning restaurant said, "I dislike TripAdvisor. I feel it's a hidden way for people to vent their anger and they always seem to add a bit on and make it sound really bad. And I just thought I'd tell everybody in the world about this salad."

Like the movie and music reviews on Amazon huh, it brings out the failed critic in people. "I bought the best of the Human League but before I tell you about the product let me first list their influences and how their style evolved over the years, lets start with Miles Davis."   

I'm sure local Belfast people are going in thinking, "I bet she was American, I'll show that Yank by having the salad and liking it no matter what!" 

Oh no, don't slag off our poor service, quality and choice or you'll feel the wrath of the people. Remember when HBO execs and Jon Snow complained about how after a week there was fuck all to do in Belfast? Oh boy did the locals yap. It may be true that unless yer a raging alcoholic there isn't much to do here but we don't need people ... outsiders pointing it out.  

Jon Snow knows fuck all BTW.

If you leave a restaurant angry about the food enough to make a bad review then maybe there are other problems.
The salad might be better if you put it in a fucken bowel instead of poncey wee pots but hey what do I know? I don't win la de da awards but I hate it when you have to dig yer food out of hipster pots or yer chips cum in a bucket .... I'm no the fucken Queen. Also don't put dirty packets of butter onto bread, I hate it when people do that.

The owner would rather have complaints/concerns said to her face and she is very approachable ... so she says. Well I'm sure she would but it's the 21st century and hey maybe Northern Ireland should up it's fucken game a big bit.

One diner told OBB "I wondered just how bad it could be - and it was actually quite nice." .... quite nice, wow what a compliment. Quite nice can turn to bleh very easily.  

You can't have an abortion or ghey marriage here so why on earth would you expect decent food? There's a KFC doon the road for the less pretentious and I hear/know it's finger licken good. Must be good I see the staff licking their fingers all the time.

While the sign is a bit of fun you can't at all feel the anger behind it .... oh no, not at all. Smoldering Donald Trump kind of anger.  Och go in and try it out for yerself don't let some picky eater with standards tell you what's good or bad, there's fuck all else to do in Belfast so why not?
   

End Internment Now!

 

Yesterday, 9th August was to be a quiet peaceful Sunday where foreign tourists wander Belfast city center aimlessly wondering why all the shops are closed and the locals drift into Belfast around 1pm when they open. 

The late opening of shops is to allow everyone time to get over their hangovers though some sad fuckers may take that time to go to church after they have milked the cows even though experts have proved that God died years ago but they still hold out hope.   

The God-less Nationalists who may live in a part of the United Kingdom but consider themselves Irish had other ideas. They had a march planned to celebrate the start of Internment. Yay for Internment!  Ah the good ol days when it was illegal to be ghey and blackface was funny.

For those not familiar with buttfuck Northern Ireland, Internment started in August 1971 when the Troubles were well under way. Because the British security forces had aligned themselves with the Protestant side, most of those interned were Catholic .... or the Nationalist side if you will. Internment was imprisonment without trial, many of those lifted weren't terrorists and many were tortured for information or just for fun. Of the 1,981 interned, 1,874 were Catholic and only 107 were Protestant.

Like the Bloody Sunday shooting, Internment boosted IRA recruitment, much like how the invasion of Iraq boosted Al-Qaeda recruitment.

  Republican fleggers are just as dumb as Loyalist fleggers, same mindset different colours. 

The march yesterday was told by the Parades Commission (a ruling body that all fleggers hate) to be out of the city center by 1.30pm. The parade organisers had declared they wouldn't and only started out on the march well after 2pm .... so they were intending on causing trouble and to fuck over the city center traders. 

The police had other ideas and had to prevent the Nationalists from getting into the city centre while at the same time keeping an eye on Loyalist protesters who I guess support Internment or were just there to cause trouble. 2 years ago the Loyalists tore up the city centre injuring over 50 police officers.

When I next travel in time I'm telling my younger self to invest in jog pants and track suits. 

The march ended and the rabid Republican fanatics who just previously gave their anti-British speeches asked for everyone to end the march in a dignified manner .... in sweat pants and sports shirts. 

That is really code for get yer bricks and petrol bombs ready. The Orange Order do that too. They say, "our parade was peaceful, not our fault that we whipped up the trouble makers into a frenzy and they rioted after the march is over, their actions after our parade are not our responsibility." 

Jimmy Savile and the spides of DerryLondonDerryDerryDerry all prefer track suits, it isn't a sign that you have no self respect it's handy for running and for pulling doon for a spot of rape. Elasticated waists mean you don't have to worry about dieting either. 

Bricks and petrol bombs were thrown at police (who doesn't always have petrol bombs handy?) 9 officers or targets as we call them were injured. The water cannons were used but since Sunday is bath night it all worked out well. 

Old Knudsen has mis-judged the intellect of the Republican side. To win their way to a united Ireland that doesn't include shooting and blowing up people all they had to do was let Loyalists be Loyalists. Loyalists are their own worse enemy and stupid as fuck. If Republicans get on like Loyalist fleggers they'll get fuck all except arrested. I thought that while Republicans are slimy as shit they at least valued education more and knew how to work the system but they too have their out of control mob.

  Republican honey's at a recent funeral ... I don't fancy yers much .... or mine.  

The recent funeral of the mother of a hunger striker was a dumb as fuck move. She squeezed out a bloke that starved himself to death and idiots dressed up as dorks and badly marched down the road to show her respect, moobs and bellies everywhere. The whole military look only werks if you exercise and werk out.

Anyone who bombs and shoots their own people to achieve a united Ireland (and failed) are terrorists, no not freedom fighters, they are twatty looking, terrorist, criminal scum who lost the plot years ago. Loyalist paramilitaries are wanna be terrorists but are really just drug dealing hoods.

Old Knudsen choose the army and for yer information he rarely showed bias and barely tortured anyone, he walked the walk unlike all the terrorist cunts. He doesn't think that all Catholics are in the IRA or that all Muslims are in ISIS so don't go thinking that all soldiers during the Troubles were cunts. Old Knudsen would gladly shoot to kill a Fenian, Hun or other cocksucker, he doesn't discriminate.    

Internment stopped decades ago stoopid, there was no need for a march or a riot yesterday, just have a fucking hashtag you morons. What's next an anti-apartheid march? Yeah free Nelson Mandela ya wankers. Maybe a march to mark the start of Danelaw in the 11th century. An anti-slavery march, end slavery now! Move on dot com.

Sinn Fein are in government now for fucks sake, yer closer to a *united Ireland* than you ever were so dry yer fucking eyes and wise the fuck up.      

 

*Terms and conditions may apply since Ireland wants us as much as Britain does which is not at all.* 

Kit Harrington Gets Lost In Belfast

So I was standing there, me hands in me pockets just watching all the young gurls in their skinny jeans and low cut tops and I was just thinking about happier times like the extremely satisfying bowel movement I had in 2004, at my age good times are few and far between.

A car stopped and a bloke got out, at first I thought he was a DJ cos he had these big ear phones but the hair and the abs made me soon realise that it was yon fella from Game of Thrones.

He was on the phone and seemed agitated taking puffs from his ciggie and fidgeting as he talked, "I have no bloody idea where I am, GPS? You know I get my left and right confused I shouldn't even be driving after last night, no way am I going to make it to the read at 2 o'clock. I hate it here, it's so dull and everyone is so angry, it's bad for my chi."   

He then saw me gingerly approaching him. 

"I'll ask this old guy, stay on the line he looks crazy I think he might be homeless."

I was thinking furiously in ma hed, Ned Stark, Tony Stark, Dan Snow ... no, it's Jon Snow so I yelled, JON SNOW YOU KNOW NOTHING!

I bet he never gets that. he chuckled politely and took a step back.

"Hello there, can you tell me where I am please? I have to be at the Titanic Quarter for 2 o'clock .... do you speak English?"

Such a lovely accent and the hair, Rachel Dolezal would be so envious. Aye yer no where near there, yon's a peace line which means you are surrounded by people who want to fuck you up for no other reason than boredom ....  watch yerself yon golf ball nearly hit you.

Golf balls and baseball bats are big sellers in Northern Ireland though we don't play those sports.

"I'll pay you if you can tell me which way to go."

Ach it's yer lucky day I know how to get there but I'm shite at giving directions. I find places by trial and error and blind luck, I'll come with you and we'll get you to the Titantic Quarter.

He had to tell the person on the phone that he was in a car with a strange man and to trace his phone if he didn't turn up, he was a nervous young man, I gave him one of me pills to help calm him doon.

After a few more pills and a stop for some ice cream we got to the Cathedral Quarter. After realizing our (really his) mistake we beat off the crowds of hipsters and students and got to the Game of Thrones studio in the Titanic quarter only 2 and a half hours late. 

They were going to have a police search but when they called the police they were told that missing persons was not their job .... our police are very picky about what they do. Since this was Belfast they were then just going to write him out as who knows what had happened to him?

We did get there in time for the party. Since there is fuck all to do in Belfast getting drunk and eating crisp sandwiches is the usual past time. Most of the cast was there, I'm shite with names but ginger, snuffed nose chick, the dragon lady, even Gandalf and Stanis were there.

So much booze and platters of coke it was like the 80's all over again. I found out all about the next season.

The lady in red does a spell and Jon Snow morphs with his big dog Ghost and becomes like a werewolf . Stanis comes back to life as a white walker and has a satisfying career in childcare. The big tall chick reveals she was born with both male and female genitals and cuts her dick off and gives it to Theon who has fallen in love with Sansa but she doesn't like him .... in fact she doesn't like anything and re-dyes her hair black and goes full on Emo. 

Khaleesi joins up with yon barbarian tribe and infects them with her liberal wishy washy ideas and before they know it they are all into human rights and sword control. Since she is now famous she still doesn't get her baps out .... in real life that is another matter. Yeah yeah yeah I'll snort a line off yer norks if it shuts you the fuck up. 

To think, Seth MacFarlane tapped that, that's almost as bad as Sean Penn tapping Scarlett Johansson. Luckily Old Knudsen can departmentalize and get on with the job ... unless it's door handles, ach the germs. I'd never let a door handle do reverse cowgurl on me.

Arya who is now blind has to learn to be no one without vision. Since she is now 18 her character will often forget to tie up her blouse and will learn to love it doggy style but will not know who did it ..... aye like a party at Bill Cosby's hoose.  She ends up killing all the main characters because well she can't exactly see who she is swinging at.  Fat Sam still somehow manages to live though.

Gandalf will defeat the white walkers and since he is a beloved character he'll die pointlessly afterwards, probably slipping in the bath. 

Peter Dinklage is leaving after this season for fear of being typecast, he'll be replaced by Henry Cavill who will be available then after the Superman movie flops. You can see Dinklage in the Hobbit stage show directed by Kevin Spacey ... Dinklage IS Bilbo.

Tyrion will become powerful when he trolls everyone in harshly worded letters while drunk and Roose Bolton will be reduced to tears and will give up the north. Ramsay goes into therapy and discovers that it's everyone else who is fucked in the head, not him.

I didn't know that the guy who plays Jamie Lannister actually had his hand removed for the role, he gets it put back on after every season. He doesn't mind the nerve damage if it means an honest performance .. what a guy. 

So yeah, pretty much what everyone has been expecting. Jon Snow is indeed in Belfast and doesn't mind that I liked his half brother Robb better. Soon you'll be seeing more of the cast up the duff and using body doubles to hide it ... Knudsen is cumming.  

The Virgin Teens Of Terror Strike

 

Even tough guys need wooly gloves for the cold.

Near Belfast's Broadway roundabout a group of youths scrawled a message on a wall saying that Taigs will be crucified. Then they pulled up their hoods, a couple had gotten their granny to knit them ski masks and they posed for a chilling picture .... well it looked chilly at least. 

 Planks holding planks. 

You can see from the picture that 2 or 3 might be 16 or 17 year-olds while several are like 13 years-old if that. Old enough to cause trouble if directed to do so by a community worker paramilitary hood. That is what they have been doing for years the adults stay to the back giving orders while the younger ones who won't do any serious jail time do the work at the front. 

Do you know where yer children are? ..... Do you even give a shit? That is what happens when abortion is illegal, all the unwanted wee fuckers hanging around causing trouble and Loyalists breed like Fenians popping out a litter of 5 plus at a time. Do those kids in the picture looked loved? I doubt any of them have a pair of trousers with a zipper that isn't their school uniform. It wouldn't be difficult to find those track suits, I'm sure they all hang around the nearest bonfire site, if only we had police who weren't afraid of confrontation .... give Old Knudsen a badge and a gun and he'll clean up the streets like he did in Rio until Amnesty stepped in.

Do these wee cunts think they are ISIS? It takes a lot of time and effort to crucify someone and not to mention the screaming, their screaming, not the victim. I bet these wankers even tag each other in the pictures they post. What the fuck does VTOT mean?  Virgin Teens Of Terror? 

Balls on the Falls.

 

Anyway it was a shite advertising stunt considering they never said when it was to start. Tomorrow? Next week? August? Did you see ISIS threatening to crucify people? They only threatened to behead people for a laugh as they had already did it. They then they went from burning people alive, to crucifying to drowning .... they have so much shit going on you won't find them down at the balls on the Falls roundabout taking selfies in the dark.    

They have gangs of children younger than 10 practicing to be cunts by shooting Syrian soldiers in the head ... and you have planks. 

What about partially skinning a person's torso and stitching the skin around their head so they suffocate? .... the old Afghan way. I mean get out there, the world is full of torture methods and crucifixion is serious work and not very rewarding if you don't want to get caught. 

When a group of 12 spides start walking towards me with their elasticated leisure rape suits I run like fuck because if I wanted to be raped I'd join the army again or get sent to prison again, no street urchins for me, you never know what they have. I don't think, 'oh no I'm gonna be crucified' anyways crucifixion is a doddle.  

Old Knudsen isn't a Taig so they wouldn't crucify him .... he isn't a Prod either so they might just crucify him. The old axiom of the streets is that if there is a doubt on the religion of a snatched straggler then just assume they are a Fenian. The same as on the other side for Huns .... Yes in Belfast being a Jew, Muslim or Pagan tree hugger means yer generally fucked cos then you may be accused of being ghey to justify yer um crucifixion.

8/10 for spelling crucified and being a little different than usual of course no points for empty threats now go clean yer rooms. 

      

 

Loyalists Are Arson Around

If you laugh at the fact that a bonfire in the centre of Belfast .... aye the capital city in the 21st century was set on fire prematurely then you get called a Fenian or Republican, well Old Knudsen is laughing at yer fleggory misfortune.

Look at the effort it takes to make these things, the pallets that are begged borrowed and stolen from all over. Those blue pallets belong to a company that makes a loss every year but what are you to do when the police and the law are biased and toothless?

A big fuss was made because it was set on fire before the traditional 11th July night and it caused a disruption so the police were angry. If you set a giant bonfire on fire in the centre of Belfast it's arson, when you do it on the 11th July it's culture!

Loyalists have a long tradition of being arson loving drug dealing bullies, it's their culture and heritage, you can trust their Fenian counterparts just as much, both sides are criminals with unrealistic ideas who will stop at nothing to achieve them .... but the Loyalists are dumb as fuck and embarrassing in their self-entitled ways, the English never get on like that.

When the little Fleggers who spent weeks under the instruction of a paramilitary hood community worker, ditching school so they could pile a load of wood onto some pram wheels dragging it around the local businesses shouting, "hey mister, got any wood for the boney?" saw their work go up in flames did tears stream doon their snot covered faces as they asked, "Billy, why would somebody do this?" 
Here is yer answer you little shit, 'some men just want to watch the pallets burn.'  

 
 

How Soon Is Dinner?

Hang the pheasant hang the pheasant hang the pheasant, cos fresh meat is so totally ghey!

Morrissey the former pop star has requested that during his gig at the Odyssey Arena in Belfast there are to be no tasty meat products sold.

This is a rather silly idea since it doesn't apply to the restaurants elsewhere in the complex and they would tell him to fuck off anyways. He is just making sure the smaller vendors who he can shove about do as they are told or lose out in order for him to have his victory for animals.

Vegetarians, Vegans, Jews and Muslims are not all there .... there is air getting in. Just try a bacon sandwich and you won't care how Babe was killed. You just can't reason with some people and that is why the world is in such a shit state .... because of Morrissey!

"If you believe in the abattoir then you would support Auschwitz. There’s no difference. People who would disagree with this statement have probably never been inside an abattoir. "

So the killing of animals is the same as the Holocaust? Do you know what other famous vegetarian thought that way? .... Adolf fucking Hitler that's who.

It's like when Tom Cruise gives his opinion on depression or Liam Neeson rants on about gun control, just shut the fuck up, if we wanted to know what you thought we'd go to bargain books and pick up yer autobiography for a quid.

What else has the uber intelligent Morrissey said?

"If this doesn’t affect you in a moral sense then you’re probably granite. I see no difference between eating animals and pedophilia. They are both rape, violence, murder."

My cooking has been called many things but never equated to sticking yer dick into a child. "Fuck sake Old Knudsen, this burger is like rimming a toddler"  ..... does that mean you like it ?   

"If I’m introduced to anyone who eats beings, I walk away. Imagine, for example, if you were in a nightclub and someone said to you, ‘Hello, I enjoy bloodshed, throat-slitting and the destruction of life.’ Well, I doubt if you’d want to exchange phone numbers."

Don't you dare speak for me, if a lass said that to Old Knudsen she'd be the 8th, 9th? .... I don't know how far I got but she'd be the next Mrs Old Knudsen. The one in Thailand doesn't count cos it says 'he' on her passport and the lass in Florida will never get parole so that doesn't even count as a marriage.

This whiny pop singer reminds me of those pro life nuts who don't even like kids. Their issues do the thinking and talking for them.
He will cry over a chicken getting necked and will compare it to the genocide in Rwanda because he doesn't like people. Does he still have a career singing his 30 year-old songs because of cows? Show some fucking gratitude to yer human fans, it's not as if you did any great work after The Smiths ya plonker.  

People are hunters hence the eyes on the front of their heads, yes we have strayed away from nature because really we should be hunting and killing our own food like the bear or the tiger. Does he hate tigers when they kill a gazelle? What about when they kill a person? 

We get our food killed by proxy cos that's the evolution of society, should we be all eating nuts and tofu? If Morrissey can get fat on it then it can't be that bad .... except for the taste and it's probably the drink that makes him fat. 
Just think of the self-loathing he has as he cries and cuts himself when thinking about the roast beef sandwich he had when he was 10. 

Old Knudsen can tell the difference between the Moy park abattoir and Auschwitz and while humans are just another animal everything Morrissey says is kinda offensive not to mention stupid and shows you the swift deterioration of brain cells when you don't get enough protein.

Another reason to hang Morrissey (that escalated quickly) before he starts to invade Europe is BACON!

I rest my case.   

 

The Voice Of The Mysterons

Old Bitter Balls friend Mr Sean Connery was round at my hoose to share a bottle of 12 year-old runaway. We sat drinking and got talking about accents and thought it would be a good idea to share the lilting, melodic tones of a Belfast accent with the world.

No wee spides were hurt much during the making of this clip.

Recycling Old People Parts

Off to the knacker's yard for ya.

About half of Britain’s 260 crematoriums have been participating in a scheme (some call them programs but we like to sound shifty) to recycle steel hips, plates, gold teeth and screws that are collected after cremation and sold on with the money raised going to charity.

The Dutch company makes use of the 75 tonnes a year of people junk selling it on to be made into car parts, airplane parts, road signs and household objects. Of course the loved ones are asked to sign a consent form allowing them to do so.

One family who were interested to know if a bullet had been found in their WWII hero father were handed a 1 LBS bag of metal as their father had stepped on a mine and still had shrapnel in his leg. Try scattering those ashes.

It would probably be a little cuntish and disrespectful to not tell the relatives huh?

Welcome to Northern Ireland where cuntishness is the norm and we don't do no respect.

Roselawn Crematorium in Belfast says 'fuck yer dead ... it's time to move on anyways' and have done 11,000 cremations since the scheme started in 2010 and have not mentioned going through loved ones ashes for metal bits.

I bet they didn't use magnets and tongs like they say they do but sifted old uncle Bob using a riddle.

Belfast council said: “It is not deemed necessary to provide this information and no family has ever requested it. However, we keep this under review.”

Uh yeah we also put half of yer granny into the grinder for dog food but since you never asked we didn't think it worth telling you about. 

The National Association of Funeral Directors didn't even know the scheme was happening in Belfast. As well as cuntishness there is also a high level of incompetence throughout this tagnut on the arse of the UK Province.

The city council had not even listed a charity for the 2 tonnes of scrap metal money to go to so instead of local charities that money was divided around other UK charities .... like I said, incompetence.

I also don't like the way they just say, 'oh it goes to charity' charity is not a place nor is it a proper answer. If it went to that Belfast charity that drives mini vans around to get drunk people safely home at night I'd say go fuck off, if they can drink they can get a taxi.   

Recycling people parts is a great idea, have you bought any jewelry since 2010? It might have some gold teeth melted into it or when you make a cup of tea you might be putting someone you know on the boil.

I bet a lot of the ashes you get back are from half the town who have died, people all come out the same. I wonder if they have a set weight to give to people and the rest gets sold as cat litter or something.
I guess it pays to ask a load of questions so some cunt doesn't say, 'well no one asked.'

Yet again another example of how the Nazis were ahead of their time. The ever growing population and dwindling resources I think it's always best to ask what is in the mystery meat yer eating ... aw fuck it, just pass the red sass, as if that would put me off.  

Burritos ... Ask Me How

Besides Boojum in Belfast there aren't many places to get a burrito in Northern Ireland. Old Knudsen likes Del Taco and Bakers and he used to like Taco Bell until they cut back on their portions but now he'd even take that.

Gingo friendly Mexican food is what I want, not what they call Mexican food here, it's atrocious ... a few peppers do not Mexican food make.

So after a couple of year without any I went on the hunt for something that passed for gringo burritos and found ingredients that worked. I now share my findings with other Northern Ireland plebs who are sick of potatoes.
It's easy to cook and can be done well within an hour, 30 mins if you aren't stopping to take pictures. 

The ingredients:

I use this as the rice filler because I'm a chicken sort of person. This can be found in Sainsburys.

I prefer flour tortillas which can be bought in various sizes at Sainsburys or Tesco.

An onion and some chicken. I usually get breast meat but I fucked up and got thigh for some reason, ah well it all comes out the same.

Salsa and guacamole from Sainsburys, just any old stuff will not do. Get tortilla chips and use these as dips if you want.

Yoghurt instead of sour cream, this is from Sainsburys. Don't buy stuff called sour cream or guacamole from the makers of Mexican type food brands as they are just easy to pour shite.

You can add peppers if you want, I usually add a small can of diced tomatoes but I forgot them.

Cilantro, otherwise known as coriander.  

Refried beans as found at Sainsburys and Tesco.

The most important part .... hat sass! A burrito is just a means to get hot sauce into my gob. I found Cholula at Tesco, that's the stuff real illegal immigrants would use so it must be nice. If you can't get that then something like Texas pete, if you can't get that then Frank's hot sauce but do try to get Cholula.

So easy to make.  Wash and chop yer coriander and put it in a Tupperware. Then chop yer onion and put it to the side for now. To avoid crying while peeling an onion, do it underwater, many swimming pools frown upon this but if you do it sneakily they won't have a clue. I've made whole stews in local swimming pools.

Then chop yer chicken, obviously you chop that last to avoid cross contamination. I hope you've already washed yer hands before cooking and after handling raw meat. Old Knudsen may not wash his cock for months at a time but he does believe in hand washing and will notice every single time a food handler touches their face or hair. Some of those TV cooks are durty buggers, a 3 second hand wipe on a cloth does not mean clean.      
I also disinfect areas that I've had the packaging of raw meat on before carrying on with the cooking cos I have OCD issues.

Cook yer chicken in a pan (a deepish panwith a lid) with some oil until it's cooked .... I'll assume you know what cooked chicken looks like. I like to cook chicken with paprika cos I like the pretty colour.

Throw in yer onion and other veg if you have it, let that cook then throw in yer rice from the one pan meal, let that cook for 1 minute, stirring of course.

Add 350ml of water, the El Paso sauce and seasoning and stir.

Not very encouraging, it looks like a soup of sorts. Bring to boil then lower the temp to simmer. I put the lid on the pan and set ma timer for 15 mins.

Stir a couple of times while it's simmering.

As if by magic it becomes food. Not very colourful since I forgot the tomato and didn't add pepper but oh so tasty.

I then empty a can of refried beans into a bowl and microwave it for 2 mins. 

If you cook using gas then you can toast the tortilla over the flame for 5 seconds each side or just microwave it.

The rice meal, beans, salsa, guac, yogurt, coriander onto the tortilla. I've under filled this one since I eat like yer lass in the top pic. 

Now you have a burrito, pour yer hat sass onto it as you eat .

Everything can be packed into Tupperware containers and kept in the fridge, the tortillas can get a clamp put onto the package and put in too.... the hot sauce can stay out. 

I'll feed off this for a week just adding everything onto a tortilla and microwaving it for a minute or so.  

Good light food for hot summer days, once the work is done there is no cooking .... unless you run out of beans and have to open another can.


Now you have the secret of Old Knudsen's burritos, use this knowledge with respect, it's all about the ingredients so do try to get them.  




  

If You Have To Ask Then It's A Mask

Leo Selvaggio is an artist who wants to screw with the system .... er he wants to make art, yeah that's right.
He lives in Chicago which as he says has 25,000 surveillance cameras all linked to a central hub called virtual shield this incorporates military grade facial recognition software which can detect you anywhere in the city.
Since Chicago is kinda bankrupt it doesn't really do law and order but at least in the important parts of the city they can see who is doing the crime, the rest of the city is like Mad Max but more violent. Even the Vampires don't go out at night in Chicago.

Selvaggio wants everyone to wear a mask of his face in order to fool the cameras to think you were him. He also wants to shag a dude wearing the mask while he has razor blades strapped to his cock and high on crack to make an artistic statement about something.

It's all very odd and suspect. The masks don't look anything like the porky artist and what is really his motive?
Does Selvaggio want to commit the perfect murder or bank robbery? It could not have been me officer as I was everywhere..... like God but real.   

Remember that time on Oprah when Tom Cruise ripped off his face and instead of a scaly reptilian as expected he was really....

Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Tom Cruise, it seems that the two method actors got so caught up in their characters for Mission Impossible III that they never came back from it.

Since 2011 no one has been sure who was actually who until director JJ Abrams realized that one of them didn't really exist at all, it was only when Hoffman died did we find out that it was him who had never existed.

Which is good news for us as who doesn't like Tom Cruise? ..... he's amazing, am I right am I right?

 Belfast rioters.

Of course many cities have anti-mask wearing laws so don't go rushing out to double bag yer wife.... oh and use paper bags when you do, learn from my mistakes.

In Northern Ireland we use face recognition software to reconstruct the identities of people attending IRA funerals and commemorations as they often wear balaclavas to hide their fugly potato loving faces.
They very often try to trick the software by padding their masks, the police have found a way around this by entering the data they have and putting it into a hat and the name pulled out is probably who they are after, if not them then try again until one sticks.  

Old Knudsen has been accused of wearing an old man mask at times which is handy if yer robbing a petrol station but one time I wanted to get a sun tan in winter just to look fly but the sunbed shop wouldn't let me in until I took off me mask and rubber skin suit .... the cheeky *Arabs* so I said fuck youse and got a spray on which looked so natural.

I could have gotten the same effect by a large amount of carrots or something else with a large amount of vitamin A, carotenosis it's called, some babies get orange noses from it, totally harmless.

Trust Old Knudsen when he says, "Never trust a fat artist for they may want you to suffer for their art" an artist should never have enough money to get fat, you'll find yerself in prison for a Chicago bank heist.     




*Not really an Arab, tis a colourful expression we use, similar to 'What am I a nigger?' when you get left out and don't get offered something but the other people did. Totally not racist, we are just a humorous nation, Jeremy Clarkson being a fine example of our humor.*