The Voice Of The Mysterons

Old Bitter Balls friend Mr Sean Connery was round at my hoose to share a bottle of 12 year-old runaway. We sat drinking and got talking about accents and thought it would be a good idea to share the lilting, melodic tones of a Belfast accent with the world.

No wee spides were hurt much during the making of this clip.

25 Amazing Facts About Redheads

A friend of mine on Facebook has Ginger Addiction Syndrome GAS. Whatever cock will do as long as there are ginger pubes attached and would so go leezer for ginger too. Old Knudsen gave her back rubs and Rohypnol but nothing worked. She did get mysteriously pregnant but it wasn't ginger so she sold it. Here are 25 amazing facts about redheads that are 100% true ...... about 47% of the time. If you or anyone you know has gas then let them know the truth that is this post. 

Redheads or Gingers are pure evil. Many of them do not know they are evil but all Satan has to do is say the magic word and they become monsters who spit on sidewalks, run in corridors and don't return library books even though there is a queue of people requesting that book.

 There is no such thing as a hot redhead.

Gingers do not have any friends, usually because they killed them and drank their blood in order to keep their hair red. 

Danny Bonaduce was cursed by the Gogs because they do that kinda shit. He is ugly, stupid, ginger and has a small penis .... why do you keep staring at it?
 

Other cursed gingers work out a lot ..... but it doesn't heal the pain. 

Yer Ma is ginger and not only can Old Knudsen afford her but he gets change back too... a lot of change.

 

Neanderthals were ginger which is why they were hunted to extinction by Homo sapiens. In Scotland many ginger Neanderthal females were used for breeding (as they aren't too picky in Scotland) and so their DNA survives in all gingers today.

A popular Scottish actress Karen Gillan recently revealed that gingers are also shape shifting reptilian aliens from the Alpha Draconis star system. She has since been dissected by the NSA which is ok as her Dr Who days are over.

Old Knudsen has been saying this for years but of course no one listened. Their freckles are also star charts to distant galaxies .... try to avoid the black hole.  

Willie Frazer was cursed by the Gogs because they do that kinda shit. He is ugly, stupid, ginger and has a small penis.
  
Where did the £350,000 EU grant money go Willie? .... not on suits and personal grooming thats for sure. 

 No point in asking his wife, she can't move her mouth.

Gingers do have a "soul" .... a cold black sullen soul filled with hate and despair.

Gingers Old Knudsen has the raging horn for.

 

And remember

They may be alien creatures of Satan but gingers have feelings too. Just remember that the next time yer hunting one doon, maybe you can use their feelings as a way to lure them out.

Thats yer 25 amazing facts about redheads.

Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent

Bored bored bored, I'm so fucking bored today nothing is fucking happening of any importance for me to give my insightful and witty social commentary on. Bored bored bbbbb bored!

Oh I see a chunk of the arctic shelf broke off, its the size of Manhattan island, how cum they are always the size of Manhattan? Like big hail stones are always the size of golf balls. Anyway it drifted doon to the continental shelf and now there is a big fuck off bookcase in the way of boats.

See how bored I am?

Today I woke up in a pool of blood in my bed, don't worry the blood wasn't mine and there was a severed big toe digging into my back, "thats odd" I said, me alarm clock didn't go off I had it set so I would get up and push record on my VCR 'The true history of Bigfoot and UFO's in the Bible' was on the history channel, could my day get any worse? The answer was yes me poo was runny and someone had super glued me foreskin closed, fucking kids probably.

Bored bored bored there is fuck all to talk about today.

I see a plane in Indonesia has crashed killing 254 people, the tragedy is that one of them was a Briton. Why God why? no wait its ok he was Welsh. I love the news when it points out accidents and then reports on how many Brits were killed, it shows you just how much everyone else matters.

Sooooo anything going on in the country? any rain? car chases? or old people driving their car into a hoose by mistake?

Nope nothing happening except something ............................... Oil is doon to just over $30 a barrel and yet petrol is going up now that is weird. Oh they say its the cost of the special blend of Pixie dust they put into the petrol in Callyfornia during the winter time, um its fucking 80 degrees out there when are we expecting winter?

Southern Callyfornia on a bad day is like summer in Killamory.

Has anyone noticed that since the recession or depression that no one has been harping on about Global fucking warming? no one gives a shit now, America is either up to its tits in snow or flooding and doesn't have money to spare to save the fucking planet that keeps trying to kill us.

I've always said about people like Bill Gates that its easy to give a couple of million out because its not like he'd miss it, of course giving it to the Africans is a waste of time as they will just breed more.
All the recycling places are closing as China is no longer buying our trash which they magically turn into slutty Bratz dolls because we can't afford to buy them right now.

We'll soon see all the smug fuckers who went on about recycling to save the planet but were really doing it for the beer money stopping soon.

Still bored, paint thinners on the cock tends to sting a bit but I need a pish.

Yesterday was Martin Luther King Jr day but who gives a shit? Where is John Lennon day, Leon Trotsky or Archduke Franz Ferdinand day? thats fucking racist that is ok don't give me that they aren't Yanks crap thats nationist . To top it off February is Black history month or Black awareness month, "Hey you holding yer crotch and not quite speaking English are you aware that you are black?" I didn't know Americans did history.

Its not like they could be unaware unless they were Stevie Wonder or something. Black people or blacks of colour as those people like to be called bring enough awareness to themselves due to their loud booming inapprociate voices and that is without being on a mobile phone. Of course mobile phones aren't good enough for them they need walkie talkie phones that beep so you can hear the yelling and the annoying beeps too.

I'm not racist but really would they not like to go back to Africa? Any other black news? um nope.

So to balance out this racism I've made March 'White awareness month' I thought March would be ironic because of all the Nazi marching, er no not really.

Remember what John said, "Imagine all those people.............. naked"

April will be beaner awareness month, May will be Old Knudsen awareness month as my birthday is that month, no presents please ach go on then, June will be Hot Jap gurl awareness month.

I'm really looking forward to June.

July will be Irish belittling awareness month with lots of mentioning of 12th July 1690, "God bless good king Billy!"

Google it ya no nothings.

The rest of the months have yet to be decided, if you want yer own awareness month then just send me $5oo.

Bored..................

I suppose it could be worse, I could be reading this post instead of writing it.




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A Whale Of A Time.

Shes laughing at you man, no shes laughing at the death of history, Eskimo vampires have little or no regard for anything but bad apparel .

A part of an exploding harpoon dating back to 1890 was found in the body of a whale.
The bowhead whale was killed by indigenous hunters off Alaska as part of their subsistence quota.

The bomb like weapon lodged in the shoulder of the whale and went off but didn't seem to bother it too much as it remained alive to this day.

Fuck that must of hurt.

Those indigenous hunters or Eskimos to you and me have been allowed to hunt whales for the last 20 years because its part of their lifestyle, why are they not on reservations? its part of my lifestyle to beat up Catholics but some stupid law says that's wrong, it was ok for Cromwell and Henry the fucking 8th.

Imagine surviving an attack from civilised whaler types like myself only to have some Nan nook of the north in a canoe kill you 100 years later, fuck that whale must have been right pissed off.
I've survived the Crusades, Genghis and Chukka Khan, The charge of the light brigade, Flanders (no not Ned) Dunkirk and Normandy, Nam, Korea town, The Falklands and numerous others, my fear now is falling in the bath and breaking my head which is why I only wash with hand cloths and sand paper.

If I went round slashing up Picasso paintings people would be in an uproar even though he was a shite painter , well this whale was well over 100 years old, it 'was' living history so I say wise the fuck up Nan Nook, its the 21st century get a real job ya slitty eyed cunt, if I have to change my ways I'm sure you can too.

If the whales could speak I'm sure they would say, "fuck this Global warming shit what about the crazy Nan Nooks with the pointy things?"