A Salad Tosser

The Harlem Cafe in Belfast is doing good business by turning a negative into a positive. A woman on TripAdvisor had the prawn salad and called it the worst one she has had in her life and she has had loads of salads .... you wouldn't think it cos of the *size of her* but she ain't no salad dodger. *Pure speculation*    

The owner of the award winning restaurant said, "I dislike TripAdvisor. I feel it's a hidden way for people to vent their anger and they always seem to add a bit on and make it sound really bad. And I just thought I'd tell everybody in the world about this salad."

Like the movie and music reviews on Amazon huh, it brings out the failed critic in people. "I bought the best of the Human League but before I tell you about the product let me first list their influences and how their style evolved over the years, lets start with Miles Davis."   

I'm sure local Belfast people are going in thinking, "I bet she was American, I'll show that Yank by having the salad and liking it no matter what!" 

Oh no, don't slag off our poor service, quality and choice or you'll feel the wrath of the people. Remember when HBO execs and Jon Snow complained about how after a week there was fuck all to do in Belfast? Oh boy did the locals yap. It may be true that unless yer a raging alcoholic there isn't much to do here but we don't need people ... outsiders pointing it out.  

Jon Snow knows fuck all BTW.

If you leave a restaurant angry about the food enough to make a bad review then maybe there are other problems.
The salad might be better if you put it in a fucken bowel instead of poncey wee pots but hey what do I know? I don't win la de da awards but I hate it when you have to dig yer food out of hipster pots or yer chips cum in a bucket .... I'm no the fucken Queen. Also don't put dirty packets of butter onto bread, I hate it when people do that.

The owner would rather have complaints/concerns said to her face and she is very approachable ... so she says. Well I'm sure she would but it's the 21st century and hey maybe Northern Ireland should up it's fucken game a big bit.

One diner told OBB "I wondered just how bad it could be - and it was actually quite nice." .... quite nice, wow what a compliment. Quite nice can turn to bleh very easily.  

You can't have an abortion or ghey marriage here so why on earth would you expect decent food? There's a KFC doon the road for the less pretentious and I hear/know it's finger licken good. Must be good I see the staff licking their fingers all the time.

While the sign is a bit of fun you can't at all feel the anger behind it .... oh no, not at all. Smoldering Donald Trump kind of anger.  Och go in and try it out for yerself don't let some picky eater with standards tell you what's good or bad, there's fuck all else to do in Belfast so why not?
   

Kit Harrington Gets Lost In Belfast

So I was standing there, me hands in me pockets just watching all the young gurls in their skinny jeans and low cut tops and I was just thinking about happier times like the extremely satisfying bowel movement I had in 2004, at my age good times are few and far between.

A car stopped and a bloke got out, at first I thought he was a DJ cos he had these big ear phones but the hair and the abs made me soon realise that it was yon fella from Game of Thrones.

He was on the phone and seemed agitated taking puffs from his ciggie and fidgeting as he talked, "I have no bloody idea where I am, GPS? You know I get my left and right confused I shouldn't even be driving after last night, no way am I going to make it to the read at 2 o'clock. I hate it here, it's so dull and everyone is so angry, it's bad for my chi."   

He then saw me gingerly approaching him. 

"I'll ask this old guy, stay on the line he looks crazy I think he might be homeless."

I was thinking furiously in ma hed, Ned Stark, Tony Stark, Dan Snow ... no, it's Jon Snow so I yelled, JON SNOW YOU KNOW NOTHING!

I bet he never gets that. he chuckled politely and took a step back.

"Hello there, can you tell me where I am please? I have to be at the Titanic Quarter for 2 o'clock .... do you speak English?"

Such a lovely accent and the hair, Rachel Dolezal would be so envious. Aye yer no where near there, yon's a peace line which means you are surrounded by people who want to fuck you up for no other reason than boredom ....  watch yerself yon golf ball nearly hit you.

Golf balls and baseball bats are big sellers in Northern Ireland though we don't play those sports.

"I'll pay you if you can tell me which way to go."

Ach it's yer lucky day I know how to get there but I'm shite at giving directions. I find places by trial and error and blind luck, I'll come with you and we'll get you to the Titantic Quarter.

He had to tell the person on the phone that he was in a car with a strange man and to trace his phone if he didn't turn up, he was a nervous young man, I gave him one of me pills to help calm him doon.

After a few more pills and a stop for some ice cream we got to the Cathedral Quarter. After realizing our (really his) mistake we beat off the crowds of hipsters and students and got to the Game of Thrones studio in the Titanic quarter only 2 and a half hours late. 

They were going to have a police search but when they called the police they were told that missing persons was not their job .... our police are very picky about what they do. Since this was Belfast they were then just going to write him out as who knows what had happened to him?

We did get there in time for the party. Since there is fuck all to do in Belfast getting drunk and eating crisp sandwiches is the usual past time. Most of the cast was there, I'm shite with names but ginger, snuffed nose chick, the dragon lady, even Gandalf and Stanis were there.

So much booze and platters of coke it was like the 80's all over again. I found out all about the next season.

The lady in red does a spell and Jon Snow morphs with his big dog Ghost and becomes like a werewolf . Stanis comes back to life as a white walker and has a satisfying career in childcare. The big tall chick reveals she was born with both male and female genitals and cuts her dick off and gives it to Theon who has fallen in love with Sansa but she doesn't like him .... in fact she doesn't like anything and re-dyes her hair black and goes full on Emo. 

Khaleesi joins up with yon barbarian tribe and infects them with her liberal wishy washy ideas and before they know it they are all into human rights and sword control. Since she is now famous she still doesn't get her baps out .... in real life that is another matter. Yeah yeah yeah I'll snort a line off yer norks if it shuts you the fuck up. 

To think, Seth MacFarlane tapped that, that's almost as bad as Sean Penn tapping Scarlett Johansson. Luckily Old Knudsen can departmentalize and get on with the job ... unless it's door handles, ach the germs. I'd never let a door handle do reverse cowgurl on me.

Arya who is now blind has to learn to be no one without vision. Since she is now 18 her character will often forget to tie up her blouse and will learn to love it doggy style but will not know who did it ..... aye like a party at Bill Cosby's hoose.  She ends up killing all the main characters because well she can't exactly see who she is swinging at.  Fat Sam still somehow manages to live though.

Gandalf will defeat the white walkers and since he is a beloved character he'll die pointlessly afterwards, probably slipping in the bath. 

Peter Dinklage is leaving after this season for fear of being typecast, he'll be replaced by Henry Cavill who will be available then after the Superman movie flops. You can see Dinklage in the Hobbit stage show directed by Kevin Spacey ... Dinklage IS Bilbo.

Tyrion will become powerful when he trolls everyone in harshly worded letters while drunk and Roose Bolton will be reduced to tears and will give up the north. Ramsay goes into therapy and discovers that it's everyone else who is fucked in the head, not him.

I didn't know that the guy who plays Jamie Lannister actually had his hand removed for the role, he gets it put back on after every season. He doesn't mind the nerve damage if it means an honest performance .. what a guy. 

So yeah, pretty much what everyone has been expecting. Jon Snow is indeed in Belfast and doesn't mind that I liked his half brother Robb better. Soon you'll be seeing more of the cast up the duff and using body doubles to hide it ... Knudsen is cumming.  

New Issues Every Month

This issue of Vanity Time has Bruce Caitlyn Jenner showing you how to upstage Kim in three easy steps. Now she has a vagina of color will anyone want to see it? ... "Next week I'm going to convert to Islam, I have a beautiful prayer rug picked out ... lol!" 

Rachel Dolezal says that those crackers in Montana claiming to be her biological parents only have DNA, photos and medical records which is no proof whatsoever.

Snoop Washington (formerly Trevor Patterson) tells of his inner turmoil at being a wigger. He identifies himself as being black but faces racism and ridicule everyday when he hangs with his homies in his Rodeo Drive hood, not even the police hassle him, "I'm a victim of white privilege ... ight." 

Todd Sidebottom says, "help, I have too many guns" Todd loves guns, rock'n'roll and fish tacos and has been taking anti-depressants for 2 years and is responding well to therapy. "I'm working through my mother issues and now I see I was never to blame for how she treated my brother better, I just hope that none of my guns start shooting people."  

In 2014 guns killed over 100 million people in the US. Charlton Heston who was the King of the NRA had guns in his home and a neighbour of Leonard Nimoy from Star Wars also owned a gun ... Coincidence?
No one will investigate those high profile deaths but what can you expect when Washington has a powerful gun lobby? Should Washington have a lobby strictly for guns? 
    
Next month in Vanity Time!

What does Jon Snow actually know? and wet floors, the silent killer.

Game Of Walkers

Hey Carl, where's Olly?

Game of thrones went from being a medieval soft porn show to a medieval zombie show. The lack of soft porn the show has now has been noted. Why can't we have both, a medieval soft porn zombie show? Sounds like a winner to me. The naked chicks seem to have been replaced with the need to hurry up and tell the story :::yawn:::: Instead of zombies that want brains can we not have sex crazed ones? 

On Game of thrones the zombies can still wield their weapons so why can't we have zombies who just want to fuck yer brains out? 

I know the khaleesi is too good to get her baps out now but what about Jon Snow getting butt fucked by a walker .... a white walker of course. You'd be insane not to want to see that. 

I do pine for the good ol days when Game of thrones rape scenes happened in front of the camera and led to a happy marriage, now they happen off camera and Sansa just doesn't appreciate Ramsay's inner qualities.... ungrateful bitch.  

I get it, winter is coming and the white wankers have an army of undead .... what is their motivation? Don't tell me they want the iron throne too. That throne seems like a load of trouble to me, people paying the gold price for an iron throne. Maybe they'll bring back all the Starks, Joffrey and yer Ros chick ....  I miss them all. Except Shae, shae was annoying, did you know she was a porn star before Game of thrones?  

One thing that Old Knudsen has learned from Zombie shows and movies, when there is a gap in a door or a wall and someone looks through it, you'll get a jump scare when a zombie appears all of a sudden. 

You know nothing Jon Snow .... oh look, a magical sword how convenient, fuck that, I want to see how the giant gets on and off the boats.

Men Are Not Beasts Of The Field

Tv presenter Jon Snow has been either blasted as being creepy or hailed for being honest because he said, "sex comes into every evaluation of a woman" meaning that when men meet weemen for the first time they may think about sexy things .....

He says that "sex is a natural animal instinct." and  "it's natural for men to think of all women as potential sexual partners."

Yeah right. So I put two pictures of my future wife (she still hasn't gotten back to me yet) fully clothed wearing super intelligent glasses and I must say that sex does in no way cum to mind when I look at her.
Nope, what I'm thinking about is if she has a really nice personality and if she shares my love of badger baiting.  

She is so going to suck my cigar.

Away an fuck Mr Snow, you illegitimate bastard of Ned Stark, we men are not just uncontrollable walking erections, keep it in the cage ya durty shite.