Let The Mole Do The Acting

Exodus: When white men collide.  

Old Knudsen's self loathing is great but it does have limits. I did buy and watch Exodus gods and kings and wasn't put off by the poor reviews, how shite it looked or the bad punctuation in the title. Star Trek into darkness and me blog have poor punctuation and they never not fail to educate and entertain. 

Yeah well I decided that going to bed and skipping to the end was the best course of action but I sat through most of it until I really needed to pee. 

No one can hold out under torture indefinitely, that was the first thing taught to me during my resistance to irrigation interrogation training. I laughed at bamboo splinters under me finger nails and I chuckled when they tore those nails off but after 20 minutes of American Idol auditions I was screaming and crying like a baby .... THOSE SONGS DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT .... THAT WERD HAS 3 SYLLABLES, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET 10 OUT OF IT? 

In the 1930's I went into a jazz club and said what is this shite? Thus the name scat has stuck to the shoe of jazz ever since and that method of singing is still scat. 

Christian Bale was mesmerizing as Mosses .... no, not his acting, that has just gone down hill since Empire of the sun. That giant mole on his nose inside his eye, I couldn't stop watching it. Yes they did removed it in the movie posters. This blog even got tons of hits because of it and has the Austin powers mole joke clip.

Rachel Nichols the green chick in the Star Trek reboot and Kira in Continuum had a mole under her right eye. It made the show worth watching. She played a time traveler who was a mole in the police dept but after a couple of seasons she had it removed which is crazy as her time traveling flashbacks then didn't make sense .... all credibility was lost ... thank you very fucking much.   

In Exodus G&K, Bale is one of the many very white people to play Egyptians. Sometimes I can ignore the historical inaccuracies such as a hump back who just wanted to fight with the Spartans or Braveheart wearing woad paint but this movie just wasn't exiting, you were waiting and hoping for the plagues to happen. 

    We do a training montage and then we'll be good enough to fight the English and or the Persians. 

     

Blue eyes .... the Egyptians hated blue eyes nearly as much as they hated gingers, maybe they had some Irish over on holiday once, yeah that would do it. News report: Drunken Irish revelers break off the nose of the Sphinx.

If they put those with blue eyes to death than how come Ramses their pharaoh had blue eyes? 

   Wot me? Nah they are grey with a hint of steel mate. 

Priests in ancient Egypt shaved off all their hair to make them go faster (that's why all the baldy sickos say they do it) and to avoid getting lice. There weren't high ranking priestesses, in fact females who found themselves as Pharaoh (cos they killed everyone else off) wore fake beards like the male Pharaohs did cos real ones were too Greek and like really weird. The Egyptians were the first to put the werds weirdy and beardy together.

     Yeah that looks normal. 

Moses would not have had a beard. As well as all the other white dudes and women there was Ewen Bremner from Trainspotting who in a very cleared up Scottish accent explained the plagues just before he was hung hanged. 

  I dinny ken about da frogs, lets deep fry the fockers.  

Ben Kingsley played a sage ol Jew, on his first meeting with Bale he asks in a very cockney British way, 'whose yer fatha?' .... I thought he was going all apples and pears, elephant and castle and saying 'hows yer fatha' ..... so I did a bit of the old hows your father and before you know it I've got a baby in a fucken basket.

Does Kingsley care what roles he does anymore? Michael Caine hasn't for years and when they need a sage black dude they call for Morgan Freeman. 

Sigourney Weaver dresses like that anyways so it saved money on the wardrobe, yes yes yes roles for weemen over 70 I get it, you get what you can. 

Mosses it seems was like William Wallace, he trained up the slaves and they fought against the Egyptians while in hiding. This was not good enough for God. 

 Woops wrong god.

No not him either.

God can't be a dame, that's crazy. 

An old Jewish guy? God is Protestant for fucks sake. 

God as a small white boy ... now yer talking.

So a little boy appeared to Moses (a pedo's fantasy?) and said he needed a General to fight. When the war of attrition wasn't getting fast enough results the immortal god who can be everywhere but only hangs out in the Middle East because "those" people will believe anything said to sit back and watch. Then he let loose some crocs, turned the Nile red and killed the fish, then he brought on frogs, then flies, killed the livestock and gave the people bad skin conditions and then locusts. 

God as a child, like those Star Trek episodes where the almighty alien was a 5000 year-old spoiled child that just wanted to mess with humans.

You'd think that people living in the desert would say, "yay frogs, yay locusts! now we eat like kings" but no, it seems they only ate grain which like the rags "those" people wear is very very flammable. Maybe bread should have a fire safety warning on it. 

Those people was said a lot. The main story arc was Moses letting go of those he had lived with all his life in the lap of luxury to go on to accept durty poor slaves as his people. God (maybe it was an angel) was a bitter wee shite. He'll make the Egyptians suffer and will bring them to their knees because they made the Jews suffer for 400 years. 

You'd better follow that god or he'll really fuck you up with all the frogs and hoppers you can eat. 

 If yer gonna act with a rubber doll then try not to throw it around as it'll move like it's rubber.   

The plagues did the trick and after fast forwarding I saw that Moses decided they were 'his' people and took them off to wander the desert for 40 years because he was a cunt that wouldn't ask for directions. Alexander the Great traveled over the known werld but you get lost in one wee tiny part of it??????  Nomads are fucken mad.

Lets also ignore the fact that the Jews weren't slaves in Egypt but like Trump's 'thousands of Arabs partied during 9/11 in New York'  if you say it enough times you'll eventually get people saying, uh yeah, I remember that too, it was on the news but must have been wiped when more news happened. 

Even Israeli archeologists can't find evidence of a large number of Jews being in Egypt or them settling down anywhere and they want to find proof .... then there were the tombs of the builders that were recently found and that weren't slaves .... awkward! 

So the Jews did fuck all but want the credit?  ... yeah we totally built that shit. Kudos to the real builders, if only someone had mentioned you in one of the few books/scrolls to survive through time. I bet the library in Alexandria that Caesar burned to the ground had 'How I built the Pyramids using large magnets'  by Bert the builder amongst it's 400,000 scrolls.  

 

 Better not call Saul.

So you had Exodus Gods and Kings .... from the director of Gladiator opening at a measly $24 million with a budget of $140 mil, when you have a flop like that what would happen with a TV show that sounds similar to it and has those people in it?    

Of Kings and Prophets had a good load of swarthy types in the cast with Saul a warrior king as played by the aging Ray Winstone hacking apart various tribes solely on the word of a prophet that speaks to God ... allegedly. 

He told you to slaughter all the Amalekites you fuck wit, what didn't you understand about that? You left the king alive to be paraded through the streets so yer gonna get it .... probably from someone with a name that starts with D ... Daniel, Damien .... it's definitely a D A sort of name, it'll come to me right after I walk doon and slice that king's throat .... if you want something done ffs. 

It was shite because lets face it the Bible (old and new) is a shite story. It only makes sense to tribal warlike people who promote a shepherd to king for killing a big bloke. Ach the Navy SEALs that would be president if that really happened, that's no way to run a nation. 

 Call me Dave.

David was allowed to go off and kill a lion that was killing the local goats so he could cancel out his father's debts, after killing it he was made the royal music man because shepherds are famous for their mad music skillz.   

I don't know how it ends as that show was canceled after two episodes ... I'm so glad I didn't watch the second one.  

 You can't beat tities, knob slicing and midgets. 

Game of Thrones (or Tits and dragons) has made many shows possible but no one wants to see Bible shite because we know what's gonna happen. Sword stories are great but have a story and a budget to back it up oh and some nice tits too .... if not then use men in kilts, people love that shit. 

I hope Ridley Scott and anyone else that white washes the Middle East have learned their lesson, now quit making shite films. If you know yer movie is shite then add some moles to the stars. Oliver Cromwell had moles, what about presenting him as a warrior king that talks to god out to rid the werld of troublesome Irish folk, warts and all.  

 

'I won't believe in heaven or hell, No saints, no sinners, no devil as well, No pearly gates, no thorny crown,
You're always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown, Those lost at sea and never found, And it's the same the whole world 'round.
The hurt I see helps to compound, The Father, Son and Holy Ghost, Is just somebody's unholy hoax

And if you're up there you'll perceive, That my heart's here upon my sleeve, If there's one thing I don't believe in

It's you, Dear God'  ~ XTC 

Kit Harrington Gets Lost In Belfast

So I was standing there, me hands in me pockets just watching all the young gurls in their skinny jeans and low cut tops and I was just thinking about happier times like the extremely satisfying bowel movement I had in 2004, at my age good times are few and far between.

A car stopped and a bloke got out, at first I thought he was a DJ cos he had these big ear phones but the hair and the abs made me soon realise that it was yon fella from Game of Thrones.

He was on the phone and seemed agitated taking puffs from his ciggie and fidgeting as he talked, "I have no bloody idea where I am, GPS? You know I get my left and right confused I shouldn't even be driving after last night, no way am I going to make it to the read at 2 o'clock. I hate it here, it's so dull and everyone is so angry, it's bad for my chi."   

He then saw me gingerly approaching him. 

"I'll ask this old guy, stay on the line he looks crazy I think he might be homeless."

I was thinking furiously in ma hed, Ned Stark, Tony Stark, Dan Snow ... no, it's Jon Snow so I yelled, JON SNOW YOU KNOW NOTHING!

I bet he never gets that. he chuckled politely and took a step back.

"Hello there, can you tell me where I am please? I have to be at the Titanic Quarter for 2 o'clock .... do you speak English?"

Such a lovely accent and the hair, Rachel Dolezal would be so envious. Aye yer no where near there, yon's a peace line which means you are surrounded by people who want to fuck you up for no other reason than boredom ....  watch yerself yon golf ball nearly hit you.

Golf balls and baseball bats are big sellers in Northern Ireland though we don't play those sports.

"I'll pay you if you can tell me which way to go."

Ach it's yer lucky day I know how to get there but I'm shite at giving directions. I find places by trial and error and blind luck, I'll come with you and we'll get you to the Titantic Quarter.

He had to tell the person on the phone that he was in a car with a strange man and to trace his phone if he didn't turn up, he was a nervous young man, I gave him one of me pills to help calm him doon.

After a few more pills and a stop for some ice cream we got to the Cathedral Quarter. After realizing our (really his) mistake we beat off the crowds of hipsters and students and got to the Game of Thrones studio in the Titanic quarter only 2 and a half hours late. 

They were going to have a police search but when they called the police they were told that missing persons was not their job .... our police are very picky about what they do. Since this was Belfast they were then just going to write him out as who knows what had happened to him?

We did get there in time for the party. Since there is fuck all to do in Belfast getting drunk and eating crisp sandwiches is the usual past time. Most of the cast was there, I'm shite with names but ginger, snuffed nose chick, the dragon lady, even Gandalf and Stanis were there.

So much booze and platters of coke it was like the 80's all over again. I found out all about the next season.

The lady in red does a spell and Jon Snow morphs with his big dog Ghost and becomes like a werewolf . Stanis comes back to life as a white walker and has a satisfying career in childcare. The big tall chick reveals she was born with both male and female genitals and cuts her dick off and gives it to Theon who has fallen in love with Sansa but she doesn't like him .... in fact she doesn't like anything and re-dyes her hair black and goes full on Emo. 

Khaleesi joins up with yon barbarian tribe and infects them with her liberal wishy washy ideas and before they know it they are all into human rights and sword control. Since she is now famous she still doesn't get her baps out .... in real life that is another matter. Yeah yeah yeah I'll snort a line off yer norks if it shuts you the fuck up. 

To think, Seth MacFarlane tapped that, that's almost as bad as Sean Penn tapping Scarlett Johansson. Luckily Old Knudsen can departmentalize and get on with the job ... unless it's door handles, ach the germs. I'd never let a door handle do reverse cowgurl on me.

Arya who is now blind has to learn to be no one without vision. Since she is now 18 her character will often forget to tie up her blouse and will learn to love it doggy style but will not know who did it ..... aye like a party at Bill Cosby's hoose.  She ends up killing all the main characters because well she can't exactly see who she is swinging at.  Fat Sam still somehow manages to live though.

Gandalf will defeat the white walkers and since he is a beloved character he'll die pointlessly afterwards, probably slipping in the bath. 

Peter Dinklage is leaving after this season for fear of being typecast, he'll be replaced by Henry Cavill who will be available then after the Superman movie flops. You can see Dinklage in the Hobbit stage show directed by Kevin Spacey ... Dinklage IS Bilbo.

Tyrion will become powerful when he trolls everyone in harshly worded letters while drunk and Roose Bolton will be reduced to tears and will give up the north. Ramsay goes into therapy and discovers that it's everyone else who is fucked in the head, not him.

I didn't know that the guy who plays Jamie Lannister actually had his hand removed for the role, he gets it put back on after every season. He doesn't mind the nerve damage if it means an honest performance .. what a guy. 

So yeah, pretty much what everyone has been expecting. Jon Snow is indeed in Belfast and doesn't mind that I liked his half brother Robb better. Soon you'll be seeing more of the cast up the duff and using body doubles to hide it ... Knudsen is cumming.  

The Vatican And Pietro Beretta Arms Company

As a cardinal the Pope was sent to Russia to hone up his sniping skills in a bid to end homelessness  in Argentina.

There has been a rumor going around the pseudo news sites since 2012 that the Vatican bank otherwise known as IOR (Institute for Works of Religion) is a major investor in Beretta Holding SpA which runs the Pietro Beretta arms factory. 

 Lethal weapon and Die hard movies both featured the 9 mil Beretta as the hero gun. 

Berettas are fine weapons which thanks to action movies in the 1980's had a resurgence in interest and coincidentally (not so much) the US military started using the Beretta in 1985 and are in the process of updating their M9 9 mil Beretta but can't decide with what, another Beretta or a Sig Sauer? I suppose cost will be the deciding factor.   

Clint can't fire his 357 Colt Python anymore thanks to brittle bones, maybe he should switch to a 9 mil.

Revolvers got relegated to the gun that old timers use. People no longer wanted to come over every thing a mere 6 times but wanted to come over and over and not tire out their wrist .... er I mean shoot.

The reason for interest in what the Vatican invests in is because the Pope recently said that if you invest or make arms (weapons not limbs) then you can't be a true Christian. Then he whipped a young priest for not having his 50 gold goblets shiny enough. 

 Who am I to say if they should do the walk of shame? .... but of course they must.

Yes the Pope says many things about tolerance, helping others and continues with the same policies of excluding and condemning gheys and oppressing weemen .... but he smiles and sacrifices the odd Cardinal to show he doesn't like pedos unlike back in the day when he enabled them so he must be nice. 

If you own a car, like having money and luxuries then I can't see how you'd be a true Christian anyway. Jesus never had a Smart phone or a flat screen TV ... ach that made up hippy didn't even have shoe laces for fucks sake . "Hey I don't know how to set up a Face book account, whatever that is but when you die I'll look after your soul."   Can you really trust someone who didn't Instagram their last supper? ..... 13 blokes and not a Twitter account amongst them.

If you can't trust a deity who raped a young woman so she would give birth to himself then who can you trust? .... and people slag off the Anti-Christ. 

Here is the truth on whether or not the Vatican has shares in the Beretta arms company. It all comes from an over heard conversation the Pope was having with some of his chums. The Pope lifted his robe to show a  Beretta 21A Bobcat strapped to his ankle, as well as having that compact little pistol he said that he owns a Bereta 92 and sleeps with it under his pillow in case any mother fucka (sic) wanted to have a go. 

So he doesn't own shares in Beretta, he just owns some Beretta's. The Swiss are famous for being a gun owning nation but in reality loud noises makes the typical Swiss person pee themselves, they don't mean to profit off wars but it's hard to shoot the enemy with a leg full of pee and blinking every time you shoot ... so get off their back.  

Like horses on parades the Swiss guard who protect the Pope have to be bomb proofed, that means that they not panic when a loud noise goes off, sort of what the US military have been doing with the Iraqi army. 

The Swiss get nervous around guns and prefer pointed sticks so the Pope has to protect himself. 

Raised in the slums of Argentina the Pope has had to fight and molest his way to the top. In Buenos Aires he would go out late at night and help the homeless, when asked he would modestly down play his acts of kindness but the people of the street would tell stories of how he'd put all the street urchins into his van with the blacked out windows and take them to live on a beautiful farm. It must have been a lovely place to live as none ever returned to a life on the streets. 

A Beretta strapped to his ankle isn't the only protection he has, his body is also covered neck to toe in tattoos of holy scripture so he isn't infected by the sin of those he comes in contact with. 

I hope this explains the whole major share holder of an arms company thing, you have to be careful about what you read on the Interwebs. 

  

Game Of Walkers

Hey Carl, where's Olly?

Game of thrones went from being a medieval soft porn show to a medieval zombie show. The lack of soft porn the show has now has been noted. Why can't we have both, a medieval soft porn zombie show? Sounds like a winner to me. The naked chicks seem to have been replaced with the need to hurry up and tell the story :::yawn:::: Instead of zombies that want brains can we not have sex crazed ones? 

On Game of thrones the zombies can still wield their weapons so why can't we have zombies who just want to fuck yer brains out? 

I know the khaleesi is too good to get her baps out now but what about Jon Snow getting butt fucked by a walker .... a white walker of course. You'd be insane not to want to see that. 

I do pine for the good ol days when Game of thrones rape scenes happened in front of the camera and led to a happy marriage, now they happen off camera and Sansa just doesn't appreciate Ramsay's inner qualities.... ungrateful bitch.  

I get it, winter is coming and the white wankers have an army of undead .... what is their motivation? Don't tell me they want the iron throne too. That throne seems like a load of trouble to me, people paying the gold price for an iron throne. Maybe they'll bring back all the Starks, Joffrey and yer Ros chick ....  I miss them all. Except Shae, shae was annoying, did you know she was a porn star before Game of thrones?  

One thing that Old Knudsen has learned from Zombie shows and movies, when there is a gap in a door or a wall and someone looks through it, you'll get a jump scare when a zombie appears all of a sudden. 

You know nothing Jon Snow .... oh look, a magical sword how convenient, fuck that, I want to see how the giant gets on and off the boats.

Winter Is Coming

The road, One of the most miserable movies ever!

If you don't learn from history then you are doomed ~ C-3PO. I forget most history because having been alive for so long my brain deletes shit or I'd be a mass of psychological issues, imagine Old Knudsen being a mass of psychological issues .... killing prostitutes because he was never hugged as a child is bad enough, not that Old Knudsen ever does that because that would be wrong and probably illegal. 

Going to a prostitute for a hug is like going to a McDonald's for a salad.

I just want to remind you all about 536 AD, what you don't remember? In 536 AD there was a dust cloud that hung in the sky from Europe to Asia, it lasted between 12 - 18 months and affected the world for 10 years afterwards. 

Michael the great, the head of the Syriac Church said: "The sun became dark and its darkness lasted for one and a half years... Each day it shone for about four hours and still this light was only a feeble shadow...the fruits did not ripen and the wine tasted like sour grapes."

Flavius Magnus Aurelius Cassiodorus said: "So we have had a winter without storms, spring without mildness, summer without heat".

The Annals of Ulster reported a failure of bread from the harvest in 536 AD. No Veda, not worth thinking about it's just too depressing.

Anonymous wrote: "The sun began to be darkened by day and the moon by night, while ocean was tumultuous with spray, from the 24th of March in this year till the 24th of June in the following year... and the following winter in Mesopotamia was so bad that  from the large and unwonted quantity of snow the birds perished."

Now a days Anonymous just calls you a fucker and wishes death onto you for voicing an opinion. 

All the accounts from the time say the same thing, shit got serious.

Beijing weather forecast, chewy with a hint of diesel and rocket fuel ... at least it's dry.  

China couldn't see all the usual stars in the sky and two years after 536 AD they would get summer snows, frosts, drought and severe famine which killed off 80% of the population. 

Tree rings from North and South America, Europe and Siberia all record slow growth 10 -15 years after the dust veil had gone so things did not get much better for a long time, adding to that the outbreak of smallpox across Europe. Dark ages? More like the fucked up ages. 

Things were so bad that in Scandinavia that up to 90% of the population died. We know this from the deserted villages, and the huge amounts of gold offered as sacrifice shows they were pretty desperate.

So what caused this to happen? Old Knudsen's first thought was a meteor strike, ya know like the one that caused the Ice-age and killed the dinosaurs. That is one of the theories and two undersea craters have been found off the coast of Australia and Norway 11 and 7.4 miles wide respectively that fit the bill. 

Due to the acidity found in Greenland's ice core samples the better theory points to a volcanic winter ... though they also found debris from possible impacts. Science ideed, call it Guessience instead.

El Salvador’s Lake Ilopango volcano erupted around that time, scientists don't have an exact date but can pinpoint it to a couple of decades using radiocarbon dating and tree ring analysis. Ilopongo is still alive and active so it could very well happen again. 

Or it could have been Mount Tambora of Indonesia, the Rabaul volcano of Papua New Guinea or even Krakatoa ... hey maybe it was meteors and volcanoes or numerous volcanoes .... combined with dragon attacks. 

It was a time when people starved and if you shared yer food with yer fellow man you'd starve too so cunts who hoarded and were mean rose to the top and the plague meant you were quite paranoid too. Maybe that explains why people today are so slow to help others, deep rooted fear from previous lives.

Did such events or previous events go towards adding to Norse mythology? The Fimbulwinter is three successive long winters where snow comes in from all directions, without any summer. During this time blood ties would mean nothing, incest will make a come back and brothers will kill brothers .... probably over who gets to shag Ma. 

Fimbulwinter was the run up to the Norse Ragnarok, I'm sure the events of 536 AD with 90% of people dying would make you think it was Ragnarok, the end of the world  or maybe it dated back to 650 BC when the Nordic cuntries climate became a lot colder .... damn you climate change! 

That climate change thing that people get their panties in a bunch over, as if they could do something about it. In the 1300's there was more than 20 years on ongoing famine due to excessive rain that destroyed the crops, this led to many a war and invasion.  

The thing is that as we spin around in space it may not seem like it but our existence could just turn on a moments notice. The drought in Callyfornia or Taiwan due to over population, poor water conservation and the lack of monsoon rains or the constant snow that North America seems to be getting the last few years, all it takes to remind you just how little we are is a volcano in Iceland to erupt and stop all air traffic in northern Europe. 

Events we don't even glance at on the news can lead to the perfect storm of disaster by then it's too late to act .... Why didn't someone do something 5 years ago?    

 Radiation from Fukushima has reached the Canadian coast.

This shit has been going on for centuries, it's with typical human arrogance that we blame mankind for it, as if we have a say. We build nuclear power plants on seismic faults on the place known to Geologists as the ring of fire because of its active volcanoes, we are that dumb. I'm surprised we've lasted as long as we have. 

Mother Nature can just decide enough is enough and one of her many volcanoes might just blow its top and then a can of beans will finally be an acceptable method  of payment for sex workers ... yay! Cos I have loads.   

Nature will always find a way, maybe that is what she has been doing over the centuries.

Service Dragon Kicked Out Of Restaurant

Mother of dragons Daenerys Stormborn was asked to leave a restaurant because of her service dragon. 
After being in an abusive marriage in which her husband murdered her brother she has suffered from PTSD and finds going out rather difficult. 

"Every time I go out assassins try to kill me it's very stressful"

The manager of the restaurant says that he was reluctant to let a dragon into the restaurant as they have been known to take cattle and indiscriminately burn people alive. After having the situation explained a little more he has said that if the Khaleesi wishes to return we shall endeavor to serve the best stallion heart she has ever tasted. 

Old Knudsen added, "just because you put a bib on an animal doesn't make it a service animal, there is a very lucrative market to sell fake harnesses and certificates so common sense must be used by the customer and the vendor."

A comfort animal is not a service animal. While the whole pet thing seems rather trendy for people with PTSD I tend to call bullshit like how celebs all had little brown babies as a fashion accessory. I would not look to a pet to help me with my psychological issues, especially ones who chew their butts then lick yer face, then again I've had better pet dogs than mental health care providers.   



 

Dracula Retold

So I finally got around to watching this one, what a CGI fest it was. Don't get me wrong it was cool CGI, people turning into bats and slaying hundred of Muslims at a time .... Now this made me want to go and kill some ragheads while American Sniper just made me wish for my time wasted back .... but the civvies love that one, not like they know how soldiers really operate anyway.  If that is the US military at its best then no wonder they haven't won anything since WWII.

I digress ... so ragheads then, Turks if possible, I never liked them anyways always pinching me arse in yon prison, I think they did that to see if it was ripe.

Vlad was taken from his Pennsylvania castle and made to fight for the Turkish in a 300 type montage of young kids being taught to kill. His father had given him up to avoid offending the Sultan. Years later and after he was done brutalizing in the name of the Turks he went back home to rule. Then the Turks came calling and what do Turks always want? .... young boys of course, they demand 1,000 young boys to train in their army and also Vlad's young son.

     I will not let the Turks do to you what they did to me ... I shall make them use lube.

So Vlad goes to a vampire trapped in a cave and makes a deal and gets some cool super powers but the hunger .... had me reaching for the snacks just thinking about his blood lust. 

Never mind the story, it wasn't too well thought out, but again there was a lot of CGI killing, also a lot of 'here, let me go over here so you can sneak round and kill my loved ones' moments. My powers will be useless by dawn ... why doesn't he spend the night attacking Turks instead of waiting for them?  Ach the plot holes were filled with CGI dead bodies. 

It's not a deep movie but it was shot on location in Northern Ireland. Not because Northern Ireland has such stunning scenery, it doesn't really, the south has the best stuff. 

We give money incentives to film here. Game of thrones filming in Slovakia? ... fuck em, cut our rates stat! Yes The Fall could have taken place anywhere but not at these great rates. Dracula Untold took some of our scenery and built a CGI world around it. A few stones from the Giant's Causeway and we'll make a mountain for ya. 

Did they even have to leave the studio? 

The Sultan gazed upon Ballymena. 

I was the only one to mention the anti-Muslim theme as far as I know when it came out but what about Dominic West playing the Sultan? full fake accent and tan, could we not have an ethnic playing the role? This was full on Ukip racist, sing a calypso while yer at it. 

Like I really care. 

This is opposite day anyway where the murderous, monstrous vampire is a great dad who only turned evil to save his people and his son from the bum bashing Turks. That was back in the day when the Turks weren't afraid to go to war, unlike today with ISIS and the Kurds having them shit themselves. 

So you root for the vampire cos he isn't really that bad anyway .... unless yer a Turk.  

A fun movie even though Gary Oldman's Dracula kinda did tell the whole story in about 5 minutes so hardly untold.

 

The End Is Nigh

Aye it'll fall off while it's in yer ass.

Old Knudsen takes the end times very seriously which is why he asks his psychic fuck buddy from Bulgaria, Baba Vanga what the score is. 

She has predicted that the last president of the US will be black, red money will replace green money, the dragon will put it's paw onto the world and that a blonde woman will help Bulgaria escape the end times crisis. 

 

Some of these prophecies were made in the 90's, disbelieve them at yer peril. The last black president, who can it be? 

Well Obama is only half black so it can't be him. It must be Morgan Freeman, his inspiring memes on Facebook has moved millions .... and he's in everything, worse than Michael Caine he is. I'd vote for him, then again I'd vote Gary Busey for preez just for the lolz. 

Red money taking over from green????? American money is green, so this could mean that maybe money from communist states take over, the Chinese do have a 100 yuan note. China and Australia want to use the yuan instead of the dollar in trading which is a huge blow for the US with it's limp as fuck currency .... Nah lets go deeper. 

Oil is bought using the dollar, it's at $101 dollars a barrel, that price was driven up thanks to all the Bush made wars and so the red money could be blood money.  When the sand savages stop trading oil in dollars then you can really panic.

The dragon putting it's paw onto the world is an obvious reference to Game of thrones, Baba probably watches .... er listens to it, I mean who doesn't? 

I refuse to watch it because it isn't the exact same as the books and I'm a cunt.

If you don't watch Game of thrones or GOT as we coolios call it then go slap yerself. Just remember folks, I liked midget porn long before it went mainstream .... shit, now I'm a midget porn hipster. Ok then Baba, what has the mother of dragons got in store for us? will she get her dragon eggs out for the lads again?

Quality TV, aye sure it has plots, lines, swords an shit but I only watch it for the midget porn and the barbarian rape. 

What blonde woman could Baba mean when she says a blonde woman will help Bulgaria?  Could she mean Angela Merkel the Chancellor of Germany ? Another reference to the Khaleesi? or maybe it's president Hilary Clinton?

Does the rug have to match the drapes? 

Why would someone help Bulgaria? sure it's an EU cuntry but who cares? Bulgaria is looking at a deal to build it's own nuclear power station in order to reduce it's reliance on Russia. 

That's a bit of a slap for Russia who operates 2 nuclear power stations giving Bulgaria it's electricity. 

The Czech Republic, Finland, Hungary and Slovakia, are all 100 % dependent on Russian nuclear fuel. Bulgaria isn't cutting all ties with Russia as it still gets most of it's oil from Russia so they can still call the shots. 

Maybe Russia will impose sanctions to match EU sanctions that went into place for shooting yon airliner doon.  

Baba foresaw the death of Fast and Furious star Paul Walker and if Orlando Bloom wasn't such a pussy he would have slapped that scrawny little canuck doon. Imagine being known for being a dick rather than for his music. 

She also saw Stalin's death date,  The Chernobyl disaster, David Hasslehoff destroying the Soviet Union single handed, Israel getting more space to park their big American cars and you reading this post, she said you've have trouble getting past that Game of thrones GIF but after the application of some lotion and Kleenex you would be victorious ... sorry for the anti-climax.    

Men Of God Are Wild

Wise men going from village to village dispensing wisdom to the young is something we need more of these days. My blog is a 21st century evolution of that, and mostly because I can't be arsed going out as I'm allergic to stupid people.

No offence you stupid twat.

One such wise man is Justin Lookadoo, can ya just try to get past the name? no wonder yer trapped within the hell cycle of reincarnation, you'll never get enlightened and achieve what all enlightened people strive for .... total apathy.
I once asked a holyman sitting calmly under a tree while all the villagers were being rounded up and executed and their cattle raped and slaughtered for food, how he could remain so calm. Does this not anger you old man? Don't you wish to fight back?

 A hipster holyman who was praying long before anyone else started praying.

He slowly gazed around then looked at me and smiled and said, "All my fucks have been given today."  with that pearl of wisdom I told him to go get with the other dead men walking then I burnt his sacred Bodhi tree doon,  aye I was a right cunt in the 80's ..... the 1880's that is, I've mellowed out somewhat these days.          

Justin Lookadoo  is a Christian motivational speaker or a Christianist if you like. Old Knudsen accepts that wisdom can come from anywhere and so remains open to it. Lookadoo has taken it upon himself to travel around US high schools to show young people the kind of values and morals they need to instill for life.

"Dateable girls know how to shut up" ..... yes indeed, it's like you've read my journal. Those are also the ones who try to trap you with pregnancy, all young men should practice looking into the mirror, shrugging and saying, "I thought YOU were taking care of that."

Lookadoo says that gurls should accept their girly-ness and that the sexiest thing on a girl is happiness. Well you can't really go to high schools and talk about firm young bodies and perky breasts, trust me I've tried but they just aren't ready to listen.

Lookadoo the former juvenile probation officer with too much of an interest in the sex life of teenagers also says: 

Girls need to know their place and be subservient while at the same time being mysterious and confident but no little miss independent. Guys need to be needed so you should let them be needed while letting them lead because God made guys as leaders and to just let them be guys.

As they say in India and Pakistan, 'boys will be boys' and 'sometimes rape is wrong' we should learn from ancient cultures like that, not in a religious way as they are heathens but in a just about trust them to go to the shops for you way.

Men of God are wild and boys need to be strong, be honest and not look at porn. Dateable guys are real men who aren’t afraid to be guys. Bring God into it. “What would He say if he was talking to me through this situation?” ... well if it was a young virgin lying asleep then god would probably fuck her without her knowing about it, that shit be immaculate bitch!

Call the baby Jesus or Bob, I don't care it isn't mine.
  

Good idea, wear a t-shirt with a puke pattern already on it.

What's this? Police found Lookadoo sitting in his car by the side of the road covered in puke and smelling like a brewery?
He told them he pulled over for a nap, I guess all that drinking tired the little man out. Justin, do you consider yerself a dateable guy?
The Federal government pays for him to speak to school kids, he covers issues such as keeping schools safe and drug free, abstinence education, pregnancy prevention, tobacco prevention. He was also once part of a group that cured gheys of their gheyness. Like Dr Hoose, "It's nat lupus, he's queer as a 2 dollar bill."

I'm sure that look he had going on prevented many a pregnancy and helped him with abstinence .... well not with the drunk driving obviously.

Those rapey eyes are checking out yer young firm happiness and yer tight underage dateability. His wisdom is wasted on the young people who dismiss his federally sanctioned misogynistic rape talks as he has been trolled mercilessly and is now known as Lookadouche.  Children can be so cruel eh Justin? aye, sexy and cruel ..... I'd date the fuck out of her. 

They persecuted Jesus when he loved everyone whether they liked it or not, they persecuted Ken Ham when he said that of course there were kangeroos on the ark, just because you haven't found any evidence to back up what I claim doesn't make it false ..... well they should have persecuted that cunt, what's wrong? get stuck in there.

And on the third or was it the fourth day? God dith cross a sheep and a kangeroo and what he got'tith was named by Adam as a knitted leaper, thank fuck scientists renamed it a wooly jumper. Tastes like chicken and is a little stringy.

Hold on a minute, Ham, who is the best smelling creationist ever says that there were kangaroos on the ark. How the fuck did they get the 7,000 miles to Australia? Within the 6,000 years that the earth has existed there has not been any land bridges, maybe they hopped over land then fell into the sea and floated there on a log.
Then why isn't there kangaroos in the Middle east and Asia .... too many questions um God did it! Well that's a little implausible. Maybe God got an Emu to swoop doon and grabbed a pregnant roo and flew it to Australia, then one of the lions from the Ark ate the only male.  Now that sounds far more likely.

Oh and God shrunk the Emus wings after the flight because he's a cunt and does shit like that. No mentally stable god floods the entire world to kill a science experiment that has gotten out of hand, rapes young gurls and sits back and watches his son being brutally tortured and then makes Justin Bieber famous.

What if God was Joffrey ? a sick fuck like Joffrey, who kills strangers on the bus trying to make their way home.

Before God stopped talking to humans and stopped doing miracles (when camera phones were invented) he did get on like a bit of a Joffrey. You die and get to Heaven, the Hound is on the gate telling you that there is no where fucking safe now get in and you find that God is King Joffrey.

"Look on the bright side" says St Michael, otherwise known as the hand "he's getting married tomorrow and yer invited" ....... Aye who doesn't like a wedding? Don't wear white wear red, it'll not show any stains as much.