No World Today

If Christianity is correct then today is the end of the world so no one will be reading this. I say 'Christianity' because it does tend to make up a load of bullshit without evidence and promotes it as fact ... The kind of stuff I never do.
Did you know that Jimmy Savile, the ex-mayor of London had the minivan that he molested 200 children in blessed by the Pope when John Paul II was giving him his papal knighthood? .... true story bro.

Or is it?

I doubt the world has ended just as much as I doubt anything else from organized religion but I support yer right to be fooled by it, we all want to feel special. Look within yerself for the truth rather than to external lies from others.

 

Chocolate Apocalypse

What you can expect to see on the streets.

Due to the drought in Brazil the world's coffee crop will be the smallest in the last 7 years at only a miserable 29.5 million bags.

  

 

Angry Hipsters pouring yer daily cup of scorn will laugh at yer loyalty cards as you beg them for a large size .... sorry we're on rations. Befriend yer coffee pourer now cos they may be the only ones able to hook you up in the mornings. 

Experts warn of high levels of crime and domestic violence ... mostly in the mornings, people will lose their jobs as they are unable to deal with the usual level of bullshit, charities will get fuck all donations and of course gun sales will rise. 

'Because fuck you, that's why' will become the slogan of the coffee generation. People who drink tea will be beaten to death for being smug. 

Many patients in hospitals all over the world will die as staff give the wrong meds and generally don't give a fuck, teachers will slaughter their pupils as they prove that there is such a thing as a stupid question and office workers will turn their work environments into thunderdome like arenas in which that bitch who talked behind yer back gets stapled to death cos then you were on the moral highground with yer coffee grounds but now it's on.   

Personal grooming just doesn't get done and if you can't have coffee then why should yer kids get a lunch for school?  

I just got a Caffè mocha, now I can stop dreaming about licking Halle Berry lol!  

If you get coffee don't brag about it or you'll face an angry backlash with abusive texts, #stillnocoffee will trend. 

But it only gets worse.

 Give me chocolate!

When God created woman from the rib of a man he obviously made some errors in regards to her unstable attitude but then he created chocolate and all was well.

Even with strong cocoa crops from Cote d'Ivoire and Ghana the world faces a shortage of chocolate. The world (weemen) are consuming more chocolate than can be made and even Ebola in western Africa threatens the production of it. 

This is where many people stop reading as they frantically donate to charities combating Ebola because now they care. 

 Black people will be victims of non-racist attacks for a change because of their chocolatey skin colour.

Old Knudsen was going to stock pile coffee and chocolate in return for sexual favours but the chance of extreme violence towards him as he suggests they give him head for a Twix seems quite possible.   

Hilary Clinton will run for president on the platform of nuking half the world so there is enough coffee and chocolate for those nations (the Americans) who actually deserve to have it, even the Republicans will vote for her.  Does Benghazi taste like coffee or chocolate? ... then fuck it.

 

 

While many news outlets have declared the suggested worldwide bacon shortage a hoax we see that   Kevin Bacon has increased his workouts. A bacon deprived fan might just take a chunk out of his arm to see if he lives up to his name. 

Old Bitter Balls will monitor Mr Bacon's workouts as that will indicate the probability of a bacon shortage. 

Heinz baked beans had an increase in sales of beans with pork sausages in them during the great bacon scare of 2014, will they start adding chocolate to their beans? 

The World Ended, Go Home

They prefer the Four Horse-people of the Apocalypse. 

I know that all the end of times shit is getting old, how many times does the world have to end for fucks sake? When it does end we'll all say, "didn't see that coming" because the world is already gone ...... flatlined, no pulse, bereft of life. 

Who would have thought that the world would end and you still have to get up in the morning to go to work? Maybe this is Hell, did anyone see people getting the rapture? Christians are way too smug to get raptured and probably too bust molesting children or judging others to bother with that shite anyway, which was invented in the 1830's and doesn't have the Bible seal of approval.

A Christian couple from Texas (of course) just didn't bother to educate their 9 kids as they thought the rapture was close, they are still here, would God pick the dumb as fuck ones? If I was God .... I have only played God on TV and in the operating theaters. I would pick interesting hot people like, well give me a minute on that one.     

Nostradamus wrote not about ethnic cleansing but ethnic looting. 

In a state of misery and Louis the saint, black and white shall war, Walls of mart and the lockers of foot shall be no more and the Verizon store shall be heard no more. 

The big G's shall loot for their Merlot in their under cackers as they be too gangsta to wear a belt.  

I had no idea what this meant until I saw that there were riots in St louis county in Missouri (pronounced misery)  because the police shot an unarmed black dude who was robbing a Mini-Mart, what better reason to burn the Mini-Mart to the ground? Some brother got shot, better raid Wal-Mart, burn some shit doon and riot.
I'm telling you, civilisation will never catch on. Now and again it has a reset in which a barbarous people come in and kill all round them. No not the blacks, that's fucking racist, what about the slavery dude? Nah it's the fucking towel heads that will get ya.   

Nostradamus did not see this one cumming. 

Ann Summers is the vendor of sexy Lingerie so I am told. The British government finally got sick of parades, Loyalists and Fenian cock suckers that they put a ban on Northern Ireland people having sex and breeding. 

Police are outside this shop to prevent anyone getting any funny ideas. That won't stop us, just put a brother and sister in the same room and you'll see. A baby was just put up for adoption as the mother now 16 couldn't care for him. 
She was made pregnant when she was 13 by her 15 year-old brother. Not many details of the case have been allowed to be told so I'll fill in the probable blanks, Pentecostal and Ballymena.   

For such an uptight people and place, these lingerie shops stay open but I never see anyone coming or going, very strange. 

The Antrim hospital treating an Ebola victim ... ach you'll be grand, have a cup of tea. 

Edgar Cayce predicted that by 2020 half of the world's population will be dead from a deadly outbreak. Hey he predicted the beginning and ends to both world wars the death of JFK and Gatorade blue. 

Already we've seen Ebola spread through west Africa, within 12 seconds of a person getting infected they are on their feet ripping at the flesh of any healthy people around. In the 80's we were able to contain such diseases with strategic airstrikes deep in the jungle but now everyone has camera phones or will tweet about it. 

Social media will destroy mankind cos no one wants their airstrikes to end up on Twitter. 

Sylvia Browne predicted there would be war in the Middle east shortly before she died in November of 2013, an important personal event that she didn't predict.

War in the Middle east, now we have it .... un-fucking-canny I'm a believer! So this kitten loving cunt Abu Hairy Kebabi or whatever his name was, he left Florida to go and fight in Syria. Imagine his surprise when they told him that because he was so shite at war that he had to blow himself up for Allah.

I bet they were sniggering when they said it. He barely knew a word of sand savage and was probably just yer usual convert to Musliminity, a mouthy death to the great Satan toss bucket.... Hey that Abu guy did it, he actually did it, he drove that truck into that restaurant and it blew up, he definitely killed some people ..... of course he did I pushed the button to explode it myself, wasn't leaving it to that plonker.
When Al Qaeda spends a load of money to train you, and then after all of that puts you into the crack suicide squad then you know you have to be shite.

The world did end but people were too busy looking at their phones to notice. That's why I don't believe movies or TV shows, the heroes are never pulling out their phone every 20 seconds or staring at it as they walk along. We put blinkers or blinders onto horses so they don't get distracted but humans seem to want to be distracted, I really doubt that people are more intelligent than horses, going from experience.



So the world has ended, what do we do now?

The End Is Nigh

Aye it'll fall off while it's in yer ass.

Old Knudsen takes the end times very seriously which is why he asks his psychic fuck buddy from Bulgaria, Baba Vanga what the score is. 

She has predicted that the last president of the US will be black, red money will replace green money, the dragon will put it's paw onto the world and that a blonde woman will help Bulgaria escape the end times crisis. 

 

Some of these prophecies were made in the 90's, disbelieve them at yer peril. The last black president, who can it be? 

Well Obama is only half black so it can't be him. It must be Morgan Freeman, his inspiring memes on Facebook has moved millions .... and he's in everything, worse than Michael Caine he is. I'd vote for him, then again I'd vote Gary Busey for preez just for the lolz. 

Red money taking over from green????? American money is green, so this could mean that maybe money from communist states take over, the Chinese do have a 100 yuan note. China and Australia want to use the yuan instead of the dollar in trading which is a huge blow for the US with it's limp as fuck currency .... Nah lets go deeper. 

Oil is bought using the dollar, it's at $101 dollars a barrel, that price was driven up thanks to all the Bush made wars and so the red money could be blood money.  When the sand savages stop trading oil in dollars then you can really panic.

The dragon putting it's paw onto the world is an obvious reference to Game of thrones, Baba probably watches .... er listens to it, I mean who doesn't? 

I refuse to watch it because it isn't the exact same as the books and I'm a cunt.

If you don't watch Game of thrones or GOT as we coolios call it then go slap yerself. Just remember folks, I liked midget porn long before it went mainstream .... shit, now I'm a midget porn hipster. Ok then Baba, what has the mother of dragons got in store for us? will she get her dragon eggs out for the lads again?

Quality TV, aye sure it has plots, lines, swords an shit but I only watch it for the midget porn and the barbarian rape. 

What blonde woman could Baba mean when she says a blonde woman will help Bulgaria?  Could she mean Angela Merkel the Chancellor of Germany ? Another reference to the Khaleesi? or maybe it's president Hilary Clinton?

Does the rug have to match the drapes? 

Why would someone help Bulgaria? sure it's an EU cuntry but who cares? Bulgaria is looking at a deal to build it's own nuclear power station in order to reduce it's reliance on Russia. 

That's a bit of a slap for Russia who operates 2 nuclear power stations giving Bulgaria it's electricity. 

The Czech Republic, Finland, Hungary and Slovakia, are all 100 % dependent on Russian nuclear fuel. Bulgaria isn't cutting all ties with Russia as it still gets most of it's oil from Russia so they can still call the shots. 

Maybe Russia will impose sanctions to match EU sanctions that went into place for shooting yon airliner doon.  

Baba foresaw the death of Fast and Furious star Paul Walker and if Orlando Bloom wasn't such a pussy he would have slapped that scrawny little canuck doon. Imagine being known for being a dick rather than for his music. 

She also saw Stalin's death date,  The Chernobyl disaster, David Hasslehoff destroying the Soviet Union single handed, Israel getting more space to park their big American cars and you reading this post, she said you've have trouble getting past that Game of thrones GIF but after the application of some lotion and Kleenex you would be victorious ... sorry for the anti-climax.