Armageddon Can Be Fun If You Know How

The end of the world isn't going to be a fun adventure that the movies have promised us it will be. You don't get to drive around a large empty city that doesn't have piles of bodies all over the road as you loot the cool shops and talk to mannequins. The only danger won't be having a snooze and waking up near dusk when the zombies come out.

Jenny from around the block.

Screw all that driving about like Coolio I'd be shagging my Realdoll Jenny who wouldn't nag Old Knudsen about the bottle he keeps beside the bed to pee into or how he uses the curtains like Kleenex or the lack of coaster under his bag of glue.

Too ugly to be my real baby.

Jenny would probably have a baby and while we're celebrating our new arrival I'd notice the 'Made in China' mark on little Tarquin's back then I'd confront Jenny who would confess about visiting the night zombies doon China town and I'd leave in a huff disgusted at this betrayal.

What's good for the goose is good for the goat as we used to say in my home toon of Killamory. No, of course they are not under-aged, all of them would be at least a year old, I'm no pervert, not even at the end of the werld when the fear of punishment and prison rape no longer applies.  

Old Knudsen would have to be careful to not go insane as weaker minds may do being alone for so long. I'd have me audience of invisible time travelers anyways. Have I told you how they travel back in time to watch the greats of history? They used to be called a 'Greek chorus' but I call them the bloody time tourists that no one can see ..... but I know they are there, my animal guide the coyote told me so. 

It would take more than isolation to break Old Knudsen, his mind is strong, like rebar. It may be rusty but if you cut open an apple it will go rusty too but it's still sweet and delicious .... well that thought got away from me a little. 

I watched yon movie Z for Zachariah. It didn't have zombies but was an end of the werld love triangle. Fucking boring! It is from a book set in Iceland and I remember watching the BBC play for today in 1984. If things were on after 9pm on the BBC you may get the glimpse of the odd female boob and hear a swear word as it was a different world than the constant tits and swearing of today. 

Anthony Andrews was the lead 'John Loomis' and there was no triangle, just him and a farm girl. It starts with Loomis washing in a waterfall that is radiative. In the re-make Chiwetel Ejiofor is Loomis and he also washes in it but the BBC showed cock, the 2015 movie had troosers on. The girl nurses Loomis and in the BBC play Loomis gets worse and gets crazy with his hair falling out and in the remake he is sick for a while and gets better .... what the fuck? He gets better from extreme radiation exposure and always looks good. 

It was stoopid, don't watch it. The last person you want to end up with is a young farm girl with no world experience who is a god botherer. Thank you for saving us oh Lord ... sure you let everyone else die but who are we to question you and your mysterious ways? Lol at all the dead children.... Amen. I'd rather have me dolls to converse with. 

Good for chopping.    

Then there was Maggie ... a disease is killing everyone and the infected have to be taken into quarantine to die because they turn into zombies that want to eat yer flesh. Arnie's daughter (Abigail Breslin all nicely growed up) is infected. It takes weeks to turn into a zombie so farmer Arnie pulled some strings and got her home to let her die with family and to say goodbye etc. 

The worse thing about zombie movies is the long dragged out turning bit. The Walking Dead has is with a lot of blubbering and of course there is someone that hasn't killed before that wants to kill them because they are family .... I understand wanting to kill yer own. If Old Knudsen's siblings got a cold at the end of the werld I'd want to kill them .... aye but it wouldn't be fast. 

Weeks of oh no, Maggie is dying, wah wah wah .... what if she turns at an inconvenient moment or accidentally infects someone else? .... the infected seem to be allowed to do whatever they want as long as they don't behave like a zombie. Arnie lets his daughter go out with her friends on an all nighter. 

Look deep and thoughtful Arnie ... think about yer lunch or something.

Arnie seemed to walk around a lot and now and again would kill the odd zombie. It was like watching Clint Eastwood, one note actors that frown and look glum while everyone around them acts their little hearts out.  

I didn't watch the end of it because film makers are really harshing my mellow. The Road was a depressing enough movie to get over without this shite. 

      Movies need more of this. 

I want zombies, but hot zombies used as sex slaves, I want to not see those morals forced on us by society but new morals to do with the law of survival. I want looting and the hoarding of canned goods, lots of drinking but no ... wah wah everyone is dead. 98% of people are cunts so yay, everyone is dead!

What would a guy all alone do at the end of the werld? Probably what he does now. Blokes stick their dicks into pumpkins for fucks sake, a bloke was arrested at the Smithsonian for fucking a mummy, it was a male mummy, I wonder if he knew that. 

Bad enough being known as the guy that fucking a 3000 year old corpse but to be ghey too. Stuff you never see on the Night at the Museum movies. Not enough fucking going on at the end of the werld in movies.     

The werld will not go out with a banged sex doll but with a wimper cos you used up all the Viagra. 

North Korea testing missiles and not talking to South Korea, the Americans goading the Russians and the Chinese on their borders, the Turks openly bombing the Kurds as well as the Syrians and the Saudis talking about putting boots on the ground in Syria. The last one will take the proxy war the west has been fighting with Assad and will turn it into another invasion but with allies that all have nukes. 

The preppers won't have a clue it's kicked off until things go boom ... not big with the up to date news on foreign affairs, too busy worrying about FEMA.   

If Obama makes Assad the next Saddam, Osama or Gaddafi that we must defeat (because he's bad) then WWIII will be here in no time. Hillary will continue as a war president sneaking around manipulating world events as Obama has been doing but hey, at least she isn't a socialist, they eat babies.        

The end times will be depressing with a lot of blood being coughed up, no need to make depressing movies like that though.  

    

No World Today

If Christianity is correct then today is the end of the world so no one will be reading this. I say 'Christianity' because it does tend to make up a load of bullshit without evidence and promotes it as fact ... The kind of stuff I never do.
Did you know that Jimmy Savile, the ex-mayor of London had the minivan that he molested 200 children in blessed by the Pope when John Paul II was giving him his papal knighthood? .... true story bro.

Or is it?

I doubt the world has ended just as much as I doubt anything else from organized religion but I support yer right to be fooled by it, we all want to feel special. Look within yerself for the truth rather than to external lies from others.

 

These Are The End Times So Eat Up

 

I'm looking to the sky to save me, looking for a sign of life, looking for something to help me burn out bright.

I don't understand cult leaders who pin down a date to say that the mothership will come or how all the good people will float up to the clouds and fuck 72 virgins or something. Any good cult leader such as the Pope will keep it going cos their life is good and you don't want to spoil it for the next old white man in a dress.

Did Marshall Herff Applewhite jr and Harold Camping actually believe the shit they were coming out with? Did they go full retard? 
The followers of Pyotr Kuznetsov who lived in a cave in Russia for 6 months in 2007 left their hole and still 14 of them still believed even though the world did not end. 
Applewhite had already led people out to the Colorado desert in 1975 to get beamed up which as we know didn't happen and in 1997 he talked 38 idiots (including the brother of Nichelle Nichols or Uhura) to drink some apple juice vodka and drugs then put plastic bags over their heads to aid their beaming up.

Camping didn't just get it wrong in 2012 he also had a failure to perform in 1994 too. Luckily people were just done out of their savings funding Camping's crazy ideas.

The Reverend Mr. John Hagee, the pastor of a Texas superchurch wrote in his book Blood Moons: Something is About to Change that the end is nigh ... again. He isn't Jewish but he's a Christian so he tacitly believes all yon Jewish shite such as the owning of slaves, killing yer neighbour if they work on the Sabbath, not going near those unclean weemen who are on the rag etc .... Not going near menstruating weemen is a no brainer, do I like random and sudden violence? Well I do but not against my person.

The 28th September is the date for the end of the world, yep we've just got a little ... LOOK, there's Jesus! nope my bad it was only Russell Brand. No seriously there he is, he's back, look busy.

Oh, it's just Jared Leto and some bloke. I don't think he's coming back ... he's no Buffy the vampire slayer who actually DID come back from the dead. Yeah I believe in Buffy, Jesus can fuck off.

The conspiracy nuts lovers are posting videos from French psychic Jacques Nietzermann claiming to have been made in 1980 in which he predicts 9/11, Obama being preez and a bearded lady winning the Eurovision song contest. 
It's a con, the original video said the world would end in 2012 and that he couldn't see past that but now there is a bit edited in that says September 2015, someone really wants you to believe this. 
I'm done with people predicting the future as it's usually bullshit, sure some like myself may predict things (like the big war in 2020) but that's not from some alien spirit guide named Marvin, that's from past patterns and the weapons they are building to be ready for 2020. If someone predicts the future they are talking shite unless they give me exacts. 
Even the medieval Irish chief Cormac mac Airt knew, he said that anyone who claims to be able to tell the future was a liar, I don't question the chief. So many psychics over the years and so little proof.     
 

Then there was Operation Jade Helm that ran from 15 th July to Sept 15th in Texas, Arizona, Florida, Louisiana, Mississippi, New Mexico and Utah. Crazy fuckers Concerned citizens said it was a psychological ploy to get people used to seeing troops on the streets so they could take their guns, these people were extra freaked out when they heard that some Wal-Marts were closed which meant they had to put on some clean clothes and shop at Target instead.

Obama didn't declare marshal law like how he was supposed to and the Chinese didn't invade and put the people into the closed Wal-Marts or processing plants .... no one cares. Were the troops getting ready for the disaster going to happen on the 28th?

 Touch my snake and say amen!

Bible thumpers like Hagee have said that after the blood moons there will be an asteroid strike, probably in Texas YAY! Besides Florida I can't think of anywhere better.

A leaked memo or a classified document posted on the NASA website and then allegedly deleted told of an asteroid PDC-H5 that will hit Texas on the 28th.

Maybe it was an e-mail or maybe it was on a rolled up piece of paper up some Iraqi's ass. The ass map or whatever it was tells us that NASA are keeping the truth from us. The Bible thumpers all cheer, you mean after years of going to church and reading that poorly written book it was actually true ... no, not really.

 Yes Adolf you've been a good boy.

Imagine grown adults believing that some hippy can walk on water and cure lepers by touch, shame on you for being an idiot, just don't go spreading that bullshit to yer kids, the Santa lie is bad enough. There is something more, it's just not anything that can be defined by man because we're just apes without a clue. Can an ant tell you all the secrets of the universe? Man's greatest gift is that he/she can make up shit to fill in the gaps.  
 
Of course the world will end on a Monday, who likes Mondays? 

The religious fundies will say, "well it's a leap of faith" or "you just have to believe" which is what we tell the kids about Santa, the Tooth fairy and the Easter fucking bunny and we've accepted that all of that is bollocks .... or maybe not and if so I apologise for being the one to break it to you.

Devote yer life to the gospel then die with no proof, reason or logic involved, that's a pretty big gamble to waste yer life on, life is short and you only get one go. It's like people who after 60 years of working look back at all that time they missed with their family and see the waste of it all. No one has ever said, "I wish I had spent more time at work."

Just in the hopes that if you say the right incantation and give the right offerings then that a magical being will show YOU favour and if you follow the right deluded preacher who knows better than you, it's all very primitive and quite selfish, we are special and chosen, save us.
Enjoy the end of the werld next week or you can disregard it like how all the other times the preachers and prophets have been wrong and wonder what else they can be wrong about.

Unicorns from the Bible ..... not real either .... sorry. 

     





   

Solar Eclipse Means The End Of The World

Today is the day for a total solar eclipse that will be seen from Europe, since I am in Europe this may be relevant to me. If you are not in Europe then tough tits.

The US had it's last total solar eclipse in 1979 and is due its next in 2017. The Americans being a superstitious lot predicted that it was the end of the world, many believed them and so went outside to take shots at the eclipse. A lack of solar activity followed that eclipse as experts suspected that the sun had been wounded by the bullets.

The Yanks are at it again .... who lets these nutters online? Anyway it maybe the end of the world again as God is judging Europe for letting Muslims come in and practice their faith. If a duck farts it's either climate change or the end of the world, I'm sick of these pseudo troll science experts. 

A total eclipse is when the sun has a solar hiccup as it orbits the earth and finds itself with the moon in between the sun and the earth. The moon being just slightly bigger than the earth blocks out the light.

Experts predict a mini ice-age during the time of the eclipse, there maybe tsunamis and earthquakes too.
The little solar lights in yer garden may not have time to recharge so expect widespread panic as people trip up over their gnomes. Police have advised drivers to turn their lights on but to use protective glasses (and seat belts) when looking up at the eclipse and to mind their speed.

You don't want to drop yer speed in yer car, all those nooks and crannies.

Europeans are not a superstitious lot by nature, unlike the Americans we look for the scientific reason for things before we decide it was all God. Babies born during the eclipse will be put to death and the mothers flogged for fornicating with Satan. The Pope recently said, "If you fornicate with the devil then expect me to fuck you up bitch!" .... Is it me or does this Pope seem more aggressive than the previous ones?

Extra police will be on hand to ensure there will not be any rioting or looting but if there is they caution people to do it in a safe and responsible manner. Ethnic minorities will of course be given priority for looting as we are all about the equality and respecting cultures .... except for gheys unless they are black or Muslim ..... or lesbian, we don't mind the leezers as long as they aren't butch.

The eclipse starts roughly about 7:41am and ends about 11:50am, in the UK we'll see it at its best around 8:24am in the south or just a bit later in Northern Ireland and Scotland. So if you've read this post you've missed the eclipse and the snow from the ice age will make you late for werk, lets hope the tsunamis will wash it away.

If you miss it:   

For solar eclipse fun just turn out the light in yer room with the curtains drawn, have a small lamp lit with a low wattage bulb and fumble about in the dark for 2 minutes, then turn the light back on. All yer expectation will have been crushed by then but you can go online and look at the pictures that cunts with expensive cameras took of it. Don't forget to say, "It didn't look like that to me."

They all use photoshap anyways.

The World Will End In March 2015

 The world exploding may have a harmful effect on the environment.

The large hadron collider has been off since 2013 to get the dead monkeys out of the filters and such but in March 2015 it is to be switched on again for an experiment that scientists will say will 'rock your work' it will have 60% more power and will be bigger and harder!
Who knows what would happen if you created a black hole in a lab underground in Switzerland? The scientists don't know but it might be cool to find out.

Larger and more powerful, 60,000 new cores and more than 100 petabytes of memory and 1,000 TV channels.

They are trying to find The God Particle which is what God used to create the universe with, though God didn't have rubber, plastic or metal alloys to build with he had some cool dark matter particles which he would make tables and birds out of. He used a form of divine photoshop and freely admitted in the Bible that he created creatures like the duck-billed platypus after quite a few drinks. 

He spent a lot of time on titties but ended up hating what he had become .... ghey issues I bet. The Norse and Greek gods didn't have too much of a gender barrier but God, totally in denial.

Professor Stephen Hawking took time away from drooling to say, "In a world of infinite possibilities, we are totally fucked in March" he said that space and time could collapse and "could destroy the universe"  .... a little vague there roller boy. He went onto advise people to go and see his movie, The theory of everything while they still had time. 

Astrophysicist Neil de Grasse Tyson who doesn't have a movie has played it safer and has only suggested that they might blow up the planet and do they really know what they are doing? .... He sounds like me everytime I go and see a doctor.

The other expert in the holy trinity of TV scientists Bill Nye .... the science guy gave a comment though he seemed very busy, "The end is Nye motherfuckers!"

It seems that Nye has been building a space ship on and off since 1982 and has increased his activity after his famous evolution debate with creationist Ken Ham when he muttered something about not wanting to be on this planet any more.  

"I'm blasting the fuck outta here, when they switch that puppy on there will be an inter-dimensional rip which will allow angels to materialize in our world, you really don't want angels to come through, not only are they bullet proof but they are soul-less and don't care who they kill... total douchebags."  

According to Nye it was angels who wiped out the neanderthals as they were part of God's failed breeding experiment and would only weaken the new stock if they interbred. Some did escape which goes to explain Conservatives, the Russians and many sporting stars.    

Nye also revealed that his ship is powered by angel essence from an angel he caught in 1978 which he keeps shackled and sedated.

Nye already had his team of astronauts selected and when Old Knudsen jokingly asked if he could join then, Nye said that he wouldn't pass the physical .... no idea what he meant by that. 

Will the world collapse explode or melt? Will they will find inter-dimensional beings who have a taste for human flesh and humanities destruction? as it has been suggested by other great minds. 

Old Knudsen is at the point where he doesn't really care. Humans cannot play well together. I just hope that if a black hole occurs, it'll happen over the Middle east cos those people have really inherited the cunt gene from Cain.  

Yellowstone About To Erupt

It's a well known fact that Yellowstone national park in Wyoming sits on top of what experts call a super volcano, which if you forgive my scientific jargon means, that it's big. It measures 34 by 45 miles and last erupted 640,000 years ago, as if we could forget.

The recent signs which have included a nearby 4.8 earthquake and animals like the bison and elk moving away from the area has experts not worried but a little nervous. Yellowstone spokesman Cal Nash said, "Yes we are over due for an eruption and yes the roads to the park are starting to melt but I seriously doubt it's the end of the world." 

Ancient Helium4 gas has breached the surface as well as red hot gases which has melted the asphalt.

Other roads in the park are also being repaired and hope this does not inconvenience visitors too much.  The park is getting constant 24 hr monitoring by Volcanologists who are experts on Spock's home planet which was destroyed when the timeline was altered by the rogue Romulan, Nero and alleged experts at the US Geological Survey are keeping an eye on the park too.

When the volcano blows perhaps sometime this year according to sources it will destroy most of North America.  The US government has spent over $100 billion dollars in the past 5 years constructing a small American town in the jungles of Brazil much like the football stadium built near Manaus in the Amazon rainforest. One reason for this town with it's on site US military base is said to be for temporary housing and a safe zone for key political figures should a disaster like this ever occur. 

People laugh when governments release handbooks for surviving a zombie apocalypse but they have people employed to think of these situations and to prepare for them then things take a turn for the real.

It is unclear if the super volcano will produce enough ash to create another ice-age but if it does then the scientists of the 1970's and 80's win the 'I guessed the best' prize and those yapping about climate change can go fuck off. Those who promised us flying cars by the year 2000 can doubly fuck off, that was a mean hope to give to people.

I think we are all just relieved that even if the super volcano is triggered by earthquakes in late August when the weather changes that the President and all his family and staff will be safe in Brazil, with the nuts.

Deadly Stalkers

Remember a few back when the UK was all anti-Brussels? We don't like to be told what flavour of crisps to have or criticizing the curve in our bananas. Everyone stopped having anything to do with Brussels and that included eating Brussel sprouts.

Even making them um sexy didn't help, we had a surplus of  sprouts. The sprout mountain we called it. We shipped some off to Africa and they said, "we're starving an all but we ain't eating that shit."

Brussel sprouts have had a long association with evil. Satan himself is quite partial to Action man/GI Joe cabbages.
Levitigas:23 - 29 "When God created Brussel sprouts he said 'oops' and cursed them for all eternity for they did'th make him fart."

It was no surprise what happened next ... well actually is was quite surprising, unless you were expecting it.

The Brussel sprouts mutated into giant walking, man eating plants with a whip like stinger full of toxins.
They shuffle about stinging people, paralyzing them and eating them. The plants evolved to be more intelligent than most humans .... which didn't take that long and were soon invading our homes and setting traps for us. 'oh look, someone dropped a tenner'  .... ::: slap::: 'I can't move, oh look a yucca walking towards me.'

 AAAHHH!!!!! deadly house plants that smell like cabbage.

We lost a lot of good people in those days, I'm sure anyone reading this has lost someone to a flesh eating plant too .... get the fuck over it, shit happens.
     

London was in chaos, as was most of the cuntry.

 

I was way too busy looting, raping and killing .... ach don't judge, without the fear of prison me animal side must be unleashed or me balls turn blue. 

So  Monsanto UK took the lead in destroying these brussel sprout beasts. Using a special
Neonicotinoid pesticide they were able to destroy the plants and then worked on captured plants to make sure this does not happen again, they are also genetically modifying them to be able to use plant oil for fuel and to introduce them into the food system for pet food. 

 They were of course renamed as British sprouters . What could possibly go wrong? Of course most of the bees are dead but who needs those anyway? buzzing stinging creatures. 

The moral of this story is to eat meat, destroy vegetables and don't trust a vegetarian. 

Flashpoint What A Feeling

Experts in Northern Ireland have discovered links between parades going through areas in which they are not welcome and civil unrest.

When asked to comment on this a DUP spokesperson said "If it wasn't for those meddling taigs we could do what we want."

On a side note there was no trouble at the Belfast ghey pride parade at the weekend and people were actually smiling and laughing as you would normally do during parades.