Is This The Real Life?

The large Hadron collider was restarted again on Sunday, bigger, more powerful and totally uncut. While actual collisions of particle beams won't happen for another month the scientists at the underground base on the Swiss/French border have been noticing some changes to our reality. Top brain Stephen Hawking tweeted, "I told you so" .... in a mechanical voice of course. 

Holes have been opening up in the sky with experts saying they are gateways to other realities that are merging with our own ... of course I don't believe that. I also don't believe in vaccinations or that smoking and lead paint are harmful to children. Smoking makes kids look cool and older. I grew up licking lead paint and the old swimming pools were lead lined and it did Old Knudsen no harm. 

I do believe that some Interweb videos can make yer dick bigger but not the ones I get in me spam folder.

Every since WWII, I cannae touch another can of spam. Sure killing Japs, Frenchies and Germans was fun but the food was awful. Spam for breakfast, lunch, dinner and as a late night snack, then I  went to  Hawaii on hols only to find spam on the bloody menu. I told my mate Robin Masters, thanks for letting me stay at yer hoose and for all the drugs and hookers but the food is shite, I'm off. Seeing yon hairy bloke who lived in the guest hoose wearing short shorts would put me off me food if I wasn't already off it. 

Makes you think huh? 

So ever since the large hadron collider was fired up have you noticed anything odd about the world? Old Knudsen has noticed a quiet tense vibe to the air and a slight itch in between his toes on his left foot .... it's usually on the right foot. 
The newspaper delivery guy closed the gate two days running and there has been a strange muffled screaming from me shed ... no wait, I think I know why that is happening, I'll take care of that. The sun has also been shining here in Northern Ireland and no one has declared "Taps aff!" yet. 

Strange creatures have been terrorizing cities in the US, Republicans are accusing Obama of not saying that are Muslim monsters because he is responsible for them. Obama denies he is responsible but of course that's what he would say if they were his minions of destruction. 

Senator Tom Cotton wrote an intelligent, well structured letter blaming his diarrhea on Obama, this has led to calls to impeach the president. Senator Cotton made a statement on the overwhelming success of his letter but it was difficult to hear him since he was in the closet.

For some reason she insisted on Liz Taylor lighting.  

That maybe too late as American sweetheart Ann Coulter has revealed she is from the planet Krypton and is now president-ess  ..... If it shows she was born on Krypton on her birth certificate she may not be eligible for the presidency though I don't know who will tell her.  Since revealing her super abilities no one has dared mention her Adams apple.   

British man baby David Cameron has announced a pact of evil with blonde hellion Katie Hopkins, her first act was to round up the poor and the immigrants and put them into education camps. She has made it illegal to name yer child Tyler and wants to outlaw fat people. David Cameron said, "we are committed to a better future"... then Hopkins started speaking again and kept on speaking sometimes tweeting offensive tweets at the same time as she spoke.

Very odd that fake blondes are so mouthy and aggressive and not in a good sexy way. I wonder if it has anything to do with scientists announcing that long term use of Hydrogen Peroxide attacks the gene that makes us have empathy and compassion. Margaret Thatcher used to kill 3 babies everyday in order for her high priests to read their entrails and Hilary Clinton supports fracking .... says it all. 

Hilary had been known to spend $2,500 in 2 months having her hair done and touched up, but she's worth it. 

So yeah a few odd things happening but can you blame the Hadron collider? 

Israel has unfrozen money to be paid to Palestine however Hamas are not pleased that Israel kept some to pay for utilities used by Palestine. It takes a lot of electricity to build those tunnels and Hamas have a really extensive sports cable package.

To make it up to them Israel have offered them a large "friendship" horse, they also have one built for Iran too .... ach I feel all warm inside maybe world peace is achievable.  

Not to be outdone by Coulter,  Bill O'Reilly released a 3 minute Youtube stating that he is indeed Ironman. He became Ironman when he and Brian Williams were captured by Al-Qaeda in Pakistan and he had to use his wits and superior intellect to escape .... yeah I can believe that. 

O'Reilly also cleared up confusion that he also invented the Internet, Velcro and the selfie stick. He also did most of the shots that American sniper Chris Kyle got the credit for and that he was in the room when Jeb Bush (presidential candidate) killed Osama but don't let that act of heroism make you decide how to vote in 2016.   

Well just keep an eye out for any strange stuff going on as even though the world may have ended that doesn't mean that we'd know, what if it ended while we were sleeping?  This isn't the movies ya know, it's real life. 

 

The World Will End In March 2015

 The world exploding may have a harmful effect on the environment.

The large hadron collider has been off since 2013 to get the dead monkeys out of the filters and such but in March 2015 it is to be switched on again for an experiment that scientists will say will 'rock your work' it will have 60% more power and will be bigger and harder!
Who knows what would happen if you created a black hole in a lab underground in Switzerland? The scientists don't know but it might be cool to find out.

Larger and more powerful, 60,000 new cores and more than 100 petabytes of memory and 1,000 TV channels.

They are trying to find The God Particle which is what God used to create the universe with, though God didn't have rubber, plastic or metal alloys to build with he had some cool dark matter particles which he would make tables and birds out of. He used a form of divine photoshop and freely admitted in the Bible that he created creatures like the duck-billed platypus after quite a few drinks. 

He spent a lot of time on titties but ended up hating what he had become .... ghey issues I bet. The Norse and Greek gods didn't have too much of a gender barrier but God, totally in denial.

Professor Stephen Hawking took time away from drooling to say, "In a world of infinite possibilities, we are totally fucked in March" he said that space and time could collapse and "could destroy the universe"  .... a little vague there roller boy. He went onto advise people to go and see his movie, The theory of everything while they still had time. 

Astrophysicist Neil de Grasse Tyson who doesn't have a movie has played it safer and has only suggested that they might blow up the planet and do they really know what they are doing? .... He sounds like me everytime I go and see a doctor.

The other expert in the holy trinity of TV scientists Bill Nye .... the science guy gave a comment though he seemed very busy, "The end is Nye motherfuckers!"

It seems that Nye has been building a space ship on and off since 1982 and has increased his activity after his famous evolution debate with creationist Ken Ham when he muttered something about not wanting to be on this planet any more.  

"I'm blasting the fuck outta here, when they switch that puppy on there will be an inter-dimensional rip which will allow angels to materialize in our world, you really don't want angels to come through, not only are they bullet proof but they are soul-less and don't care who they kill... total douchebags."  

According to Nye it was angels who wiped out the neanderthals as they were part of God's failed breeding experiment and would only weaken the new stock if they interbred. Some did escape which goes to explain Conservatives, the Russians and many sporting stars.    

Nye also revealed that his ship is powered by angel essence from an angel he caught in 1978 which he keeps shackled and sedated.

Nye already had his team of astronauts selected and when Old Knudsen jokingly asked if he could join then, Nye said that he wouldn't pass the physical .... no idea what he meant by that. 

Will the world collapse explode or melt? Will they will find inter-dimensional beings who have a taste for human flesh and humanities destruction? as it has been suggested by other great minds. 

Old Knudsen is at the point where he doesn't really care. Humans cannot play well together. I just hope that if a black hole occurs, it'll happen over the Middle east cos those people have really inherited the cunt gene from Cain.  

Experts Predict Bad Stuff ... Again

Top scientists have made some startling predictions for December, now called Deadcember. Due to climate change (Global warming is an obsolete term) and mystical forces beyond our comprehension we are to suffer a few very bad weeks.

A polar vortex will plunge the UK into a mini Ice-age with higher grounds getting up to an inch of snow. The whole cuntry will cum to a standstill, there will be a lot of moaning and pictures posted on Facebook. Old people will die and due to food shortages many babies and young children will be eaten.
Experts predict it to be the coldest afternoon in all recorded history ... ever! 

Frost cougars will take advantage of the snow and will come down from the hills and form packs to hunt people, even a scratch from a frost cougar will then turn you into one of them, a bite will give you Ebola.  

David Cameron with Ali Baghdaddy.

ISIS will exploit the UK's vulnerability and David Cameron will surrender to them. Everyone will be forced to convert or have their welfare benefits stopped. Alcohol will be banned and the nation will be forced to view life through sober eyes for a change ..... the fucking bastards! 

All weemen under the age of 75 will be forced to get Halal boobs implants to be in line with Islamic law.

The large Hadron Collider 574 ft beneath the Franco-Swiss border will go into melt down after the EU decides on the standard size that God particles should be and this will create a black hole. 

Scientists are 78% sure that the black hole will occur when Asia is facing it so the civilised world will probably be safe. 

Until the week after when Brutus 476 grazes the surface of the earth killing millions and sending debris into the air blocking off all light from the sun. 

Wolves infected with a new strain of the SARS virus will over run Africa so nations around the world will have to build walls to keep the Africans out. 

Bob Geldoff will re-release Do they know it's Christmas with Bono singing all of it cos who needs anyone else? Then Bob will wonder why it is that people in his life tend to kill themselves. The SARS infected Africans will kill themselves in protest to this shite song. Even Midge Ure who used to be cool and who co-wrote the song will have a crisis of conscience and off himself .... Bob will be very sad for a week before giving a two page interview to the Daily Mail about it.

Santa will still not visit Africa cos he's racist and is still recovering from a stroke so Christmas may very well be cancelled everywhere. 

Large crotch eating spiders will invade people's homes to get away from all the crazy weather, the government will then set up a spider tax to charge people for how many spiders they are likely to have in their homes.   

White Americans will riot and post angry comments on Twitter after being told that police will start shooting them too in order to not seem racist. 

Walmart will be voted the # 1 store to loot in America. Their new slogan will be, 'social injustice? ... then why not loot us?'  .... offer of looting does not apply to store employees forced to go on welfare as Walmart does not pay a living wage, terms and conditions may apply.

The west coast of America will catch fire and several movies will be made about it all shot in Vancouver. 

Hilary Clinton will be exposed as a soul sucker demon, being a lawyer she'll go on TV and cry saying she was the actual victim as that guy checked out her ass ...... her approval rating soars and is made President without an election. 

Kim Kardashian's arse does indeed break the Internet and she is sent to Federal prison, she tweets pictures of her designer prison overalls and soon everyone is wearing them. 

It's not all doom and gloom from the "experts" they predict that Jesus will return, just in time for Christmas. However we'll probably kill him again once he starts preaching about that equality shit.