Is This The Real Life?

The large Hadron collider was restarted again on Sunday, bigger, more powerful and totally uncut. While actual collisions of particle beams won't happen for another month the scientists at the underground base on the Swiss/French border have been noticing some changes to our reality. Top brain Stephen Hawking tweeted, "I told you so" .... in a mechanical voice of course. 

Holes have been opening up in the sky with experts saying they are gateways to other realities that are merging with our own ... of course I don't believe that. I also don't believe in vaccinations or that smoking and lead paint are harmful to children. Smoking makes kids look cool and older. I grew up licking lead paint and the old swimming pools were lead lined and it did Old Knudsen no harm. 

I do believe that some Interweb videos can make yer dick bigger but not the ones I get in me spam folder.

Every since WWII, I cannae touch another can of spam. Sure killing Japs, Frenchies and Germans was fun but the food was awful. Spam for breakfast, lunch, dinner and as a late night snack, then I  went to  Hawaii on hols only to find spam on the bloody menu. I told my mate Robin Masters, thanks for letting me stay at yer hoose and for all the drugs and hookers but the food is shite, I'm off. Seeing yon hairy bloke who lived in the guest hoose wearing short shorts would put me off me food if I wasn't already off it. 

Makes you think huh? 

So ever since the large hadron collider was fired up have you noticed anything odd about the world? Old Knudsen has noticed a quiet tense vibe to the air and a slight itch in between his toes on his left foot .... it's usually on the right foot. 
The newspaper delivery guy closed the gate two days running and there has been a strange muffled screaming from me shed ... no wait, I think I know why that is happening, I'll take care of that. The sun has also been shining here in Northern Ireland and no one has declared "Taps aff!" yet. 

Strange creatures have been terrorizing cities in the US, Republicans are accusing Obama of not saying that are Muslim monsters because he is responsible for them. Obama denies he is responsible but of course that's what he would say if they were his minions of destruction. 

Senator Tom Cotton wrote an intelligent, well structured letter blaming his diarrhea on Obama, this has led to calls to impeach the president. Senator Cotton made a statement on the overwhelming success of his letter but it was difficult to hear him since he was in the closet.

For some reason she insisted on Liz Taylor lighting.  

That maybe too late as American sweetheart Ann Coulter has revealed she is from the planet Krypton and is now president-ess  ..... If it shows she was born on Krypton on her birth certificate she may not be eligible for the presidency though I don't know who will tell her.  Since revealing her super abilities no one has dared mention her Adams apple.   

British man baby David Cameron has announced a pact of evil with blonde hellion Katie Hopkins, her first act was to round up the poor and the immigrants and put them into education camps. She has made it illegal to name yer child Tyler and wants to outlaw fat people. David Cameron said, "we are committed to a better future"... then Hopkins started speaking again and kept on speaking sometimes tweeting offensive tweets at the same time as she spoke.

Very odd that fake blondes are so mouthy and aggressive and not in a good sexy way. I wonder if it has anything to do with scientists announcing that long term use of Hydrogen Peroxide attacks the gene that makes us have empathy and compassion. Margaret Thatcher used to kill 3 babies everyday in order for her high priests to read their entrails and Hilary Clinton supports fracking .... says it all. 

Hilary had been known to spend $2,500 in 2 months having her hair done and touched up, but she's worth it. 

So yeah a few odd things happening but can you blame the Hadron collider? 

Israel has unfrozen money to be paid to Palestine however Hamas are not pleased that Israel kept some to pay for utilities used by Palestine. It takes a lot of electricity to build those tunnels and Hamas have a really extensive sports cable package.

To make it up to them Israel have offered them a large "friendship" horse, they also have one built for Iran too .... ach I feel all warm inside maybe world peace is achievable.  

Not to be outdone by Coulter,  Bill O'Reilly released a 3 minute Youtube stating that he is indeed Ironman. He became Ironman when he and Brian Williams were captured by Al-Qaeda in Pakistan and he had to use his wits and superior intellect to escape .... yeah I can believe that. 

O'Reilly also cleared up confusion that he also invented the Internet, Velcro and the selfie stick. He also did most of the shots that American sniper Chris Kyle got the credit for and that he was in the room when Jeb Bush (presidential candidate) killed Osama but don't let that act of heroism make you decide how to vote in 2016.   

Well just keep an eye out for any strange stuff going on as even though the world may have ended that doesn't mean that we'd know, what if it ended while we were sleeping?  This isn't the movies ya know, it's real life.