Hilary Wins Resting Bitch Face Champion Of The World Competition

 

After 11 hours of denial and avoiding blame during her Benghazi testimony the Guinness book of world records have declared that Hilary Clinton now holds the world record for holding the resting bitch face expression for the longest.  

She doesn't look amused .... pure genius. 

The 'why am I still here' look with strong but understated hand gestures.

The classic, 'I bet you forget to breathe a lot' look.

Her last attempt was disqualified for her use of magnifying glass spectacles that may have been able to see through clothing but this time she was totally on it.  She was calm, sarcastic and possibly irritated by a yeast infection or some other personal itching issue.

The outcome of the hearing was that Hilary may have been in charge but she had people in 270 countries and the consulate was like that when she got there. It was also ambassador Chris Stevens' fault for not personally telling her how dangerous it was ..... even though the British ambassador withdrew after an RPG assassination attempt.  

Empty Nose Syndrome

Oh look, I've won the lottery in Uganda, didn't even know I entered it. 

Old Knudsen freely admits to not knowing everything, he only knows about 98% of things, the other 2% being things like what you had for breakfast or where that pen that he really liked went to and what happened last weekend when he woke up in a strange house covered in blood. Boring 2% shite. 

It's always good to learn new things though, except for math, that can go tae fuck. I learn, I notice and I complain like fuck. At my age bowel movements and complaining are two of the things that make life bearable.

Here is what I recently learned and observed. If you get a load of bees and squish them together to form a short rod and put a wick down the middle of them they don't burn very well. I suspect that beeswax is just a name and not really made from bees at all. Myth busted, next week I'll be figuring out baby oil, it could get messy. 

Guns don't kill people. Total dickheads who can easily get a hold of guns kill people. These dickheads who shoot unarmed people who are just trying to get an education at college or elementary school always seem to have a lot of support and have loads of excuses made for them, rather touching really. 

I wonder if they would feel the same about everyone having the right to have guns if some bloke went to the school where their child goes to and killed them with his legally held firearm. Does it take that for these people to see that the US has a problem? It won't be solved with background checks but to not even want to try is a special kind of evil callousness. 

 

Some people seem to think that Muslims are afraid of bacon in the same why that a vampire is about garlic or crosses. I love those movies when the vamp pretends to be afraid then has this look like 'wise up' on their face as they push the cross aside. People like the EDL or Britain First use the old bacon comments to offend Muslims but never do it with Jews, odd that.

 

I suppose they think that Jon Hamm or Kevin Bacon are the perfect role models or maybe even dead pig's head fucker David Cameron.  

I also learned that people are more willing to believe that Prime Minister David Cameron fucked the severed head of a pig in order to get into a secret toff club than believe that he is willing to take in thousands of Syrian refugees.

I discovered the difference between a refugee and a migrant. The former is fleeing danger while the later is moving for economic reasons and if they are white they then get called ex-pats but only if they are white. 

Hilary Clinton (the next US preez) is an utter asshole .... who would have thought it? Secret Service agents regard being on her detail as punishment as she'll reply to yer morning hello with a "fuck off" maybe she isn't a morning person, I think that's a perfectly reasonable reply. When Old Knudsen used to wake her she'd usually shout "get off me" but it was in a polite way. 

Old Knudsen used to intern for Hilary. 

A retired SS agent tells about her rude behaviour in a book he wrote just in time for the elections. He doesn't have an agenda but thinks that Trump would be a lot better to guard except for his constant bright orange glow, you couldn't be very discreet there. As Donald said, "Everyone says that Donald Trump is the best, Obama is horrible, concrete is heavy and every rose has its thorn"  ..... What a leader.

Old Knudsen reckons Bernie Sanders wouldn't need protection cos he has all that old man strength and you'd be stupid to try it on with him.  

Don't you dare confuse Sanders with Jeremy Corbyn. Sanders would rip Jeremy 'my vagina is crying' Corbyn into pieces in a cage fight.   

 

 Don't fear the raper .... er reaper.

The Pope met with Kentucky clerk Kim Davis, he told her to have courage and to stay strong. The Vatican then went into spin mode and issued a statement that said the meeting with the Protestant hoor bag and telling her to stay strong was in no way an endorsement of her anti-ghey stance on same sex marriage. 

Like the shooting spree apologists many were out to dismiss the meeting by saying it was a quick hello and goodbye and the Pope didn't even know who the fuck she was, he is always saying stay strong to everyone, even to pedos and donkey rapists .... doesn't mean he means it for fucks sake. If you've met the Pope and he told you to stay strong then he probably really did mean it and I'm not belittling yer special moment one bit.  :::sniggers::::

Nah if you wanted to know how the Pope feels then just read his own words:    

"Children have the right to grow up in a family with a father and mother capable of creating a suitable environment for the child's development and emotional maturity. Today marriage and the family are in crisis." 

He also met with a ghey couple and spoke about everything but them being ghey. Aye he's a lovely fella, so progressive, except for gheys getting married and raising kids and women in the church but still. 

Lie to me bitch, the truth is too ugly to face. 

 

 Obama and Putin .... obviously

    

The US was reminded who the big dog really is when Russia finally decided to bomb Syria. The US, UK and Saudi coalition of evil have been bombing targets carrying out kinetic action in Syria for months. They claim to be targeting ISIS towns, bases and oil refineries but in reality they bomb empty towns or refineries still run by Assad. 

Now with Russia in the mix the US is upset because they target anyone who isn't the Syrian military and that includes the Free Syrian army who the US have been training and equipping to overthrow Assad. The Russians are probably the only ones with permission to bomb Syria so outrage from the west is kinda funny. 

I suspect the west will lose interest in fighting ISIS in Syria all of a sudden, what I've learned from this is that I've been right all along. Meanwhile the US-led Nato force are bombing hospitals in Afghanistan, don't worry, I'm sure the 19 people killed understand that it's friendly fire .... the wars are over anyways right? 

       

15 Of The Biggest Lies Ever Told

 

Lies have shaped history and even the thinking of people today. If history is written by the victor then Victor has a lot of explaining to do. The Great War for Civilisation or the war to end all wars, World War One was to be something we'd learn from so that it would never happen again. Fighting for civilisation is like fucking for virginity, is it any wonder that we still aren't civilised?   

1) Slaves did not built Egypt's pyramids. I've recently covered how there was no proof that the Jews were ever held as slaves in Egypt and whoever wrote the Exodus story probably did so from sunny Palestine and had never even set eyes on the sphinx. In 2010 the tombs dedicated to the pyramid builders were found so Ka- Chow!

2) Virgin birth of Jesus. First of the census that made them go to Bethlehem was a lie, there was no go to yer hometown census. Augustus Caesar had 3 census' one in 28BCE, 8BCE and 14 CE, there was a census in Judea in 6 CE as written about by the Roman historian Titus Flavius Josephus which caused a revolt. Stop making shit up whoever wrote the Bible. Do you believe that Loki mated with a horse and then he/she gave birth to the 8 legged stallion Svadilfari? Or that  Dionysus was born from Zeus' thigh? Yet you'd believe some Middle East slapper who was probably afraid of her people going all honor killing on her ass. If Tracy from Leeds claimed she was a virgin and was pregnant you'd maybe suspect that her arse isn't a virgin and that drips happen.
  

3) Christopher Columbus couldn't find his arse with two hands. In 14 hundred and 92 Columbus sailed the ocean blue ... And got lost. When he reached the Bahamas he thought that San Salvador was Japan and that Cuba was China. Mankind had known that the Earth was round since 240 BCE so none of that crap about how his sailors thought they'd fall over the edge but he bravely went on. You can blame the first Columbus day in 1792 for all of that crap but Columbus never set foot on North America . Norse explorer Leif Ericson discovered America 500 years previously though the Native Americans claim to have been there already ... if you can believe that.

4) George Washington is famous for two things, the first is that he looks like and old woman and the second is that he cut down a cherry tree as a boy. Washington who betrayed the British and then went on to betray the rednecks that fought the British to get whiskey taxes from them didn't go anywhere near a cherry tree. This is a bloke who openingly wept in front of his men, "look lads, most of you are going to die [sob sob] but we really have to win this one [sob sob]" It was his biographer, Parson Weems that made up the cherry tree story to show how honest he was .... by telling a lie.
 

 Give us some spuds ya facking cont!

5) The potato famine, over a million Irish citizens died of starvation due to a potato blight ... wrong! Aye we love our chips but you can grow other things here. During 1845-52 the potato crops did fail but boats of food from charitable nations all over the world were turned away by the English and whatever crops were produced in Ireland were exported out of Ireland by the English. There are very valid reasons why the English/British are still disliked in Ireland by the Paddy Bogtrotters .... to be sure.  

6) Lincoln freed the slaves. He didn't mean to it just kinda happened. He didn't give a fuck about them and you know what else? He never killed a single vampire either.

7) Einstein failed math at school. Einstein had already mastered differential and integral calculus by the age of 15 so fuck yer special ed classes.

8) Hitler said he wouldn't invade Czechoslovakia and just wanted a little peace .... of the Sudetenland, an area of Czechoslovakia that had Germans living in it, much like what Putin is doing in Ukraine. Attacking Czechoslovakia would have France attacking Germany and Britain would have to back them up. Hitler totally lied ... Hitler, you twat! Britain declared war on Germany after a good cry and when Poland was invaded. We really did fuck over Czechoslovakia to try to appease Germany.     

9) We're gonna invade Greece. In 1944 the allies had to make Hitler think we were going to invade Greece but really we were invading Italy. A dead homeless guy from Wales was dressed up as a Royal Marines Officer and dropped into the Mediterranean sea. His uniform had been pre-worn, there were made up love letters, ticket stubs and a receipt for an engagement ring in his pockets and a case with fake invasion details. Operation Mincemeat it was known as and the Nazis took the bait and deployed some of their forces to Greece making the invasion of Italy easier than it would have been.     

10) I'm not a crook, Richard Nixon was a crook. In 1972 five men were caught breaking into the Democratic National Committee headquarters, they were connected with Nixon's reelection campaign and then it turned out that Nixon had been bugging the competition, he lied about it but before he was impeached or convicted  he resigned in 1974, his VP who then became president Gerald Ford pardoned him.
 

Intern blowjobs or classified e-mails, just bluff it out and lie. 

11) I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Oh yes you did. In 1998 Bill Clinton lied about an affair he had with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. He later admitted an "improper physical relationship" that was "not appropriate." Clinton was acquitted of all charges and remained in office, he totally fucked up Al Gore's chances and paved the way for G.W. Bush to steal win the 2000 election.

12) Building 7 fell down. During the 9/11 attack of 2001, building 7 was designed to be a command structure for 7 intelligence and law enforcement agencies should disaster strike and had George Bush's Royal Doulton porcelain collection all of which was very well insured. The building sustained minor damage and had fires, then within 6.5 seconds the building collapsed into its own footprint. Buildings 3, 4, 5 and 6 also had fires but neither collapsed.

13) Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, no it did not. Our soldiers are still fighting and dying there because Bush and Blair both lied. Neither have had to answer for their lies as of yet .... but soon.         

14) Of course I'll still respect you in the morning. Yeah cos getting yer hole is all about respect.


Trust no one and check everything. If you read a story about Christians being killed in Syria don't go believing all the Christian based sites that carry it but no one else does. Don't believe sites like 'Before it's news' or other sites that crackpots can make up .... yes like Wikipedia.

I won't always be here for you to tell you the correct thing to think, someday SG-19 will track me down and double tap me cos I knows too much. Think, question and don't let yer agenda or issues cloud yer logic.  

Trump Comes Clean

Iowa State Fair has had all the presidential candidates eating meat on sticks and pretending to be human. Donald Trump was there and so was his Sikorsky S-76B because Trump believes in America and in immigrants, as long as they are white and can make million dollar helicopters like Igor Sikorsky could. 

He offered some gormless kids a ride on it and who wouldn't want their child to fly off in a helicopter with Donald Trump? One 9 year -old boy filmed the experience and asked Donald, "are you Batman?" Donald could have easily lied and said, "no you little fucktard, Ben Affleck is Batman, don't you know anything?" Instead he replied, "I am Batman."

There you have it, Donald Trump is the caped vigilante of Gotham, will authorities pursue this matter or will they forget the millions of dollars of damage he has caused over the years in favor of the good he has done?

I always suspected it since Trump Enterprises holds all the bat related patents and his mask has always looked lumpy as if there is a comb over trying to get loose .... oh and the gruff but nasal voice too. He sure has my vote for 2016, even though Marvel is far better.   

  Many have called Ted Cruz The Joker and the rest of the GOP candidates the Insane Clown Posse.

Jeb Bush was heard piping up, "I'm Iron man" but no one cared so in a huff he blamed the failure of the wars in Iraq and the rise of ISIS on Obama and Hilary before he was reminded that his brother had signed for the withdrawal of troops in 2013 ....  doh!

 

Hilary disappointed Old Knudsen when she chose the pork chop on the stick rather than the corn dogs that previous presidential nopefuls had gone for. The Internet can be so cruel and because of countless memes we had to go without seeing Hilary deep throat a corn dog and licking and swallowing that mustard. 

We'll still have our memories .... comedy gold. 

Somehow Trump still manages to eat the pork chop in a nasty ass manner. He vomited acid over it and sucked up the softened remains.

Bernie Sanders who seems to be the favourite for people who look for honesty and integrity in a candidate though will still probably just vote for Hilary anyways was deemed too old and sweaty and was kept away from the media. 

Is This The Real Life?

The large Hadron collider was restarted again on Sunday, bigger, more powerful and totally uncut. While actual collisions of particle beams won't happen for another month the scientists at the underground base on the Swiss/French border have been noticing some changes to our reality. Top brain Stephen Hawking tweeted, "I told you so" .... in a mechanical voice of course. 

Holes have been opening up in the sky with experts saying they are gateways to other realities that are merging with our own ... of course I don't believe that. I also don't believe in vaccinations or that smoking and lead paint are harmful to children. Smoking makes kids look cool and older. I grew up licking lead paint and the old swimming pools were lead lined and it did Old Knudsen no harm. 

I do believe that some Interweb videos can make yer dick bigger but not the ones I get in me spam folder.

Every since WWII, I cannae touch another can of spam. Sure killing Japs, Frenchies and Germans was fun but the food was awful. Spam for breakfast, lunch, dinner and as a late night snack, then I  went to  Hawaii on hols only to find spam on the bloody menu. I told my mate Robin Masters, thanks for letting me stay at yer hoose and for all the drugs and hookers but the food is shite, I'm off. Seeing yon hairy bloke who lived in the guest hoose wearing short shorts would put me off me food if I wasn't already off it. 

Makes you think huh? 

So ever since the large hadron collider was fired up have you noticed anything odd about the world? Old Knudsen has noticed a quiet tense vibe to the air and a slight itch in between his toes on his left foot .... it's usually on the right foot. 
The newspaper delivery guy closed the gate two days running and there has been a strange muffled screaming from me shed ... no wait, I think I know why that is happening, I'll take care of that. The sun has also been shining here in Northern Ireland and no one has declared "Taps aff!" yet. 

Strange creatures have been terrorizing cities in the US, Republicans are accusing Obama of not saying that are Muslim monsters because he is responsible for them. Obama denies he is responsible but of course that's what he would say if they were his minions of destruction. 

Senator Tom Cotton wrote an intelligent, well structured letter blaming his diarrhea on Obama, this has led to calls to impeach the president. Senator Cotton made a statement on the overwhelming success of his letter but it was difficult to hear him since he was in the closet.

For some reason she insisted on Liz Taylor lighting.  

That maybe too late as American sweetheart Ann Coulter has revealed she is from the planet Krypton and is now president-ess  ..... If it shows she was born on Krypton on her birth certificate she may not be eligible for the presidency though I don't know who will tell her.  Since revealing her super abilities no one has dared mention her Adams apple.   

British man baby David Cameron has announced a pact of evil with blonde hellion Katie Hopkins, her first act was to round up the poor and the immigrants and put them into education camps. She has made it illegal to name yer child Tyler and wants to outlaw fat people. David Cameron said, "we are committed to a better future"... then Hopkins started speaking again and kept on speaking sometimes tweeting offensive tweets at the same time as she spoke.

Very odd that fake blondes are so mouthy and aggressive and not in a good sexy way. I wonder if it has anything to do with scientists announcing that long term use of Hydrogen Peroxide attacks the gene that makes us have empathy and compassion. Margaret Thatcher used to kill 3 babies everyday in order for her high priests to read their entrails and Hilary Clinton supports fracking .... says it all. 

Hilary had been known to spend $2,500 in 2 months having her hair done and touched up, but she's worth it. 

So yeah a few odd things happening but can you blame the Hadron collider? 

Israel has unfrozen money to be paid to Palestine however Hamas are not pleased that Israel kept some to pay for utilities used by Palestine. It takes a lot of electricity to build those tunnels and Hamas have a really extensive sports cable package.

To make it up to them Israel have offered them a large "friendship" horse, they also have one built for Iran too .... ach I feel all warm inside maybe world peace is achievable.  

Not to be outdone by Coulter,  Bill O'Reilly released a 3 minute Youtube stating that he is indeed Ironman. He became Ironman when he and Brian Williams were captured by Al-Qaeda in Pakistan and he had to use his wits and superior intellect to escape .... yeah I can believe that. 

O'Reilly also cleared up confusion that he also invented the Internet, Velcro and the selfie stick. He also did most of the shots that American sniper Chris Kyle got the credit for and that he was in the room when Jeb Bush (presidential candidate) killed Osama but don't let that act of heroism make you decide how to vote in 2016.   

Well just keep an eye out for any strange stuff going on as even though the world may have ended that doesn't mean that we'd know, what if it ended while we were sleeping?  This isn't the movies ya know, it's real life. 

 

Experts Predict Bad Stuff ... Again

Top scientists have made some startling predictions for December, now called Deadcember. Due to climate change (Global warming is an obsolete term) and mystical forces beyond our comprehension we are to suffer a few very bad weeks.

A polar vortex will plunge the UK into a mini Ice-age with higher grounds getting up to an inch of snow. The whole cuntry will cum to a standstill, there will be a lot of moaning and pictures posted on Facebook. Old people will die and due to food shortages many babies and young children will be eaten.
Experts predict it to be the coldest afternoon in all recorded history ... ever! 

Frost cougars will take advantage of the snow and will come down from the hills and form packs to hunt people, even a scratch from a frost cougar will then turn you into one of them, a bite will give you Ebola.  

David Cameron with Ali Baghdaddy.

ISIS will exploit the UK's vulnerability and David Cameron will surrender to them. Everyone will be forced to convert or have their welfare benefits stopped. Alcohol will be banned and the nation will be forced to view life through sober eyes for a change ..... the fucking bastards! 

All weemen under the age of 75 will be forced to get Halal boobs implants to be in line with Islamic law.

The large Hadron Collider 574 ft beneath the Franco-Swiss border will go into melt down after the EU decides on the standard size that God particles should be and this will create a black hole. 

Scientists are 78% sure that the black hole will occur when Asia is facing it so the civilised world will probably be safe. 

Until the week after when Brutus 476 grazes the surface of the earth killing millions and sending debris into the air blocking off all light from the sun. 

Wolves infected with a new strain of the SARS virus will over run Africa so nations around the world will have to build walls to keep the Africans out. 

Bob Geldoff will re-release Do they know it's Christmas with Bono singing all of it cos who needs anyone else? Then Bob will wonder why it is that people in his life tend to kill themselves. The SARS infected Africans will kill themselves in protest to this shite song. Even Midge Ure who used to be cool and who co-wrote the song will have a crisis of conscience and off himself .... Bob will be very sad for a week before giving a two page interview to the Daily Mail about it.

Santa will still not visit Africa cos he's racist and is still recovering from a stroke so Christmas may very well be cancelled everywhere. 

Large crotch eating spiders will invade people's homes to get away from all the crazy weather, the government will then set up a spider tax to charge people for how many spiders they are likely to have in their homes.   

White Americans will riot and post angry comments on Twitter after being told that police will start shooting them too in order to not seem racist. 

Walmart will be voted the # 1 store to loot in America. Their new slogan will be, 'social injustice? ... then why not loot us?'  .... offer of looting does not apply to store employees forced to go on welfare as Walmart does not pay a living wage, terms and conditions may apply.

The west coast of America will catch fire and several movies will be made about it all shot in Vancouver. 

Hilary Clinton will be exposed as a soul sucker demon, being a lawyer she'll go on TV and cry saying she was the actual victim as that guy checked out her ass ...... her approval rating soars and is made President without an election. 

Kim Kardashian's arse does indeed break the Internet and she is sent to Federal prison, she tweets pictures of her designer prison overalls and soon everyone is wearing them. 

It's not all doom and gloom from the "experts" they predict that Jesus will return, just in time for Christmas. However we'll probably kill him again once he starts preaching about that equality shit.