I Like To Watch Animals Fornicating

Badgers fucking makes my nipples hard. 

Katie Hopkins British television personality and columnist wanted desperately to show she wasn't a horrible attention hoor who just says things to stir controversy and so she sat doon with Old Knudsen to show her better more human side. 

I like to watch animals fornicating, I have done ever since I was little. Sometimes it inspires me to have sex in a beastly animal way. I'd go to the duck pond and watch the ducks fornicate and once I saw them taking turns with a dead duck and it made me tingly all over. Have you ever seen a duck's penis? It's amazing and proof that an intelligent being created all life. 

After a long discussion on animal genitalia (Old Knudsen is a collector too) I asked her about her battle with depression. 

I suffer from depression, immigrants and common people depress me but then I whistle a happy tune and I'm better. If I can manage my depression then so can anyone else, what's your excuse? Snap out of it, you need to stop dwelling on your problems and stop looking for attention. 

One time I was depressed when Waitrose were all out of these roasted quail with wild mushrooms and garlic but it wasn't the end of the world. I pulled myself up by the boot straps, had some chamomile tea and carried on with life. People need to just try harder. Do they not grow tired of the me me me attitude? 

Her struggle with dieting. 

I put on 19kgs (41 LBS) hired a dietitian and a personal trainer and lost it again just to show that fat people are lazy. I'm just a normal person like everyone else so they are all out of excuses. If fat people weren't so lazy they could look as good as I do. I hope that I've inspired someone with my amazing results.
Some use the excuse that they have children or just don't have the time but if you hire a chef a maid and a nanny you'll cut down on chore time and if you wear a nappy (diaper) you'll soon find yourself with so much time on your hands and no more excuses. 

 Poor people and immigrants.

It would be ghastly to say that Hitler was right but I have to admit he did have some really good ideas. Immigrants come to Britain to scrounge off the system and poor people do the same, they can't be happy in life so wouldn't it be doing them a favour to gas them in camps?

Old people. 

I can imagine when I'm old I'd like to not be put out to pasture I'd like to continue working. All those old soldiers love to parade with their medals during remembrance day so why not allow them to reenlist? They were the ones who won WWII so let them go over and sort out Iraq. Our greatest generation being greater. 

Disabled people. 

20 - 30 years ago we never had ramps and hand rails outside of buildings for the disabled but now we do. I think wheelchair ramps are just encouraging people to be disabled. There were no disabled people in Britain until the 1960's but now they are everywhere and that happened under a Labour government.  

Education.

Education is vitally important and if I wasn't a television personality and columnist I'd be a teacher, especially in an all boys school. I think that an attractive older woman like myself could teach young boys how to be young men. In the morning I often stand at my window wearing nothing but an open bathrobe to catch the early morning sun and I see all the lads passing by on the way to school, some of those 13 and 14 year-olds are tall strapping young guys who I sense just need some guidance and maybe a firm hand.  

Who inspires you?

Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher, Winston Churchill, Adolf Hitler, Napoleon, Michael Jackson all the great men. 

Who do you dislike? 

How long do you have? I hate Liberals because they have ruined the country by letting people have access to human rights which was automatically abused by disabled people and homosexuals .... and that American woman Ann Coulter, she's a vile old harpy full of hate, why does anyone put up with her? 

So there you have it, if you had a negative opinion of Katie you'll probably love her now. A beautiful, intelligent and warm hearted woman full of compassion. She is always ready to help people and I don't think they appreciate it. When someone posted the news of a teenager who hung themselves she took the time to tweet saying 'you mean they hanged themselves, try to get it right' and she got a barrage of angry name calling .... some people just don't want to learn I reckon. 

When I told her that I too battle with depression she said, "have you ever just tried to not be depressed?" What an amazing woman. 

Do you still have that image of her with the open bathrobe stuck in yer head? .... yer welcome.   

 

 

Is This The Real Life?

The large Hadron collider was restarted again on Sunday, bigger, more powerful and totally uncut. While actual collisions of particle beams won't happen for another month the scientists at the underground base on the Swiss/French border have been noticing some changes to our reality. Top brain Stephen Hawking tweeted, "I told you so" .... in a mechanical voice of course. 

Holes have been opening up in the sky with experts saying they are gateways to other realities that are merging with our own ... of course I don't believe that. I also don't believe in vaccinations or that smoking and lead paint are harmful to children. Smoking makes kids look cool and older. I grew up licking lead paint and the old swimming pools were lead lined and it did Old Knudsen no harm. 

I do believe that some Interweb videos can make yer dick bigger but not the ones I get in me spam folder.

Every since WWII, I cannae touch another can of spam. Sure killing Japs, Frenchies and Germans was fun but the food was awful. Spam for breakfast, lunch, dinner and as a late night snack, then I  went to  Hawaii on hols only to find spam on the bloody menu. I told my mate Robin Masters, thanks for letting me stay at yer hoose and for all the drugs and hookers but the food is shite, I'm off. Seeing yon hairy bloke who lived in the guest hoose wearing short shorts would put me off me food if I wasn't already off it. 

Makes you think huh? 

So ever since the large hadron collider was fired up have you noticed anything odd about the world? Old Knudsen has noticed a quiet tense vibe to the air and a slight itch in between his toes on his left foot .... it's usually on the right foot. 
The newspaper delivery guy closed the gate two days running and there has been a strange muffled screaming from me shed ... no wait, I think I know why that is happening, I'll take care of that. The sun has also been shining here in Northern Ireland and no one has declared "Taps aff!" yet. 

Strange creatures have been terrorizing cities in the US, Republicans are accusing Obama of not saying that are Muslim monsters because he is responsible for them. Obama denies he is responsible but of course that's what he would say if they were his minions of destruction. 

Senator Tom Cotton wrote an intelligent, well structured letter blaming his diarrhea on Obama, this has led to calls to impeach the president. Senator Cotton made a statement on the overwhelming success of his letter but it was difficult to hear him since he was in the closet.

For some reason she insisted on Liz Taylor lighting.  

That maybe too late as American sweetheart Ann Coulter has revealed she is from the planet Krypton and is now president-ess  ..... If it shows she was born on Krypton on her birth certificate she may not be eligible for the presidency though I don't know who will tell her.  Since revealing her super abilities no one has dared mention her Adams apple.   

British man baby David Cameron has announced a pact of evil with blonde hellion Katie Hopkins, her first act was to round up the poor and the immigrants and put them into education camps. She has made it illegal to name yer child Tyler and wants to outlaw fat people. David Cameron said, "we are committed to a better future"... then Hopkins started speaking again and kept on speaking sometimes tweeting offensive tweets at the same time as she spoke.

Very odd that fake blondes are so mouthy and aggressive and not in a good sexy way. I wonder if it has anything to do with scientists announcing that long term use of Hydrogen Peroxide attacks the gene that makes us have empathy and compassion. Margaret Thatcher used to kill 3 babies everyday in order for her high priests to read their entrails and Hilary Clinton supports fracking .... says it all. 

Hilary had been known to spend $2,500 in 2 months having her hair done and touched up, but she's worth it. 

So yeah a few odd things happening but can you blame the Hadron collider? 

Israel has unfrozen money to be paid to Palestine however Hamas are not pleased that Israel kept some to pay for utilities used by Palestine. It takes a lot of electricity to build those tunnels and Hamas have a really extensive sports cable package.

To make it up to them Israel have offered them a large "friendship" horse, they also have one built for Iran too .... ach I feel all warm inside maybe world peace is achievable.  

Not to be outdone by Coulter,  Bill O'Reilly released a 3 minute Youtube stating that he is indeed Ironman. He became Ironman when he and Brian Williams were captured by Al-Qaeda in Pakistan and he had to use his wits and superior intellect to escape .... yeah I can believe that. 

O'Reilly also cleared up confusion that he also invented the Internet, Velcro and the selfie stick. He also did most of the shots that American sniper Chris Kyle got the credit for and that he was in the room when Jeb Bush (presidential candidate) killed Osama but don't let that act of heroism make you decide how to vote in 2016.   

Well just keep an eye out for any strange stuff going on as even though the world may have ended that doesn't mean that we'd know, what if it ended while we were sleeping?  This isn't the movies ya know, it's real life. 

 

Blonde Jokes

Cuntroversial mouthpiece Katie Hopkins courts conflict with her constant not very PC comments designed to get her media attention.  It's scary that she attended Sandhurst to become an officer in the military, she would have been in Military intelligence which is an oxymoron, there is no intelligence in the military. Imagine her making life and death decisions based on how she correlates information, we suspect this guy is an Islamic militant should we go ahead with our drone strike? .... he's brown, probably called Tyler or Mohammed or something, yeah why not.  luckily she couldn't accept her commission due to suffering from epilepsy.

The former reality show star and now a columnist for right wing tabloid newspaper made a comment about the nurse in Scotland who was diagnosed with Ebola and sent to London for treatment.

Accused of being racist the police are investigating ... what race would that be? Sorry lass yer too dumb to be offended. She is being a bigot in this case not racist you silly bint .... yes, I was being sexist.  


Is it wrong for the Scottish to not want someone infected with Ebola in their city? Sending him doon to London sounds like a sensible idea. Not just because the English are expendable in the eyes of many Scots but that because they hog all the good NHS shit. I bet there isn't an 8-10 month wait for urgent referrals in London .... yes I may have issues.   

As for it not being cricket, not much gets past her, it's not baseball either.

Having lost some weight the 39 year-old was just gagging to show her well toned body off and so went to her local rugby team for an appraisal .... like you do.

She was told that she was too thin, too muscular and looked unhealthy even anorexic. The fact she had no boobs or arse was mentioned too.  They didn't say, 'yer a total minger, why bother to stay in shape?' Only TV cameras stop rugby players from being fully honest.  
   
I've seen young boys with better hips that her.   Why did they fail to mention the obvious? 

Go back and look at the top picture before reading on, if you mixed Julian Clary .....

With Fabio and put her on Madonna's exercise program you'd get ....

Katie Hopkins. This is the reason that many British weemen feel the need to wear too much makeup, bleach their hair blonde and wear overly feminine clothing .... lacy, high hem line, lots of cleavage. It is also the reason that pink is a very popular colour and why so many choose to wear high heels in jobs where they are on their feet all day.

I suppose she would be the British version of Anne Coulter who is also a man. If you compare Hopkins to Coulter you may decide that Coulter is amazingly stunning ... only in comparison though.

Both are ugly inside and out with just enough intelligence to be offensive but since they are both attention hoors and have books or TV shows to sell they are doing their jobs very well.