Bono Avoids Death

A lot of people weren't happy about getting the U2 LP "Songs of Innocence” gifted into their iTunes music library whether they wanted it or not and so may or may not have hired Old Knudsen to assassinate Bono. 

Yes thousands of people texted £3 to have him killed. Just text KILLBONO to 85444 and see that just £3 can make a difference in someone's life .... probably his. And his wife's life when I give her a shoulder to cry on.

So off to Dublin where I learned my lesson, never buy explosives from the IRA. Oh yeah my man is Libyan trained he knows bombs. I should have known better when he went to shake my hand and he only had 2 fingers left. No wonder they lost against the Brits. 

So you may have heard that the luggage door of Bono's Lear jet blew off mid flight on the way to Berlin, all his clothes went. If you see some French twat in short leather troosers and sunglasses you'll know where he got them.

Don't worry Bono made it safely to Germany. 

Before I knew it he was off to New York so I had to get a move on. When I got to New York I hit all of their stupid nanny state laws and so I had to go all the way to New Jersey to the North Bergen Walmart Supercenter to buy a sniper rifle. You can't just go in and buy one that would be crazy, I had to wait at least 20 minutes for them to get one from the back. 

I hired some sources on the street to inform me of Bono's where abouts. I then assumed a position over looking Central park, I always take the moral high ground ....  or grassy knoll. 

My source on the ground, a young lass out to prove herself shouted something about him being too old to cycle which got his back up. Bono and the gurl were tearing through Central park, she manipulated the route so he'd be right in my cross hairs, after some high energy bicycle racing he declared himself the winner and that is when I took my shot, right into a nearby tree.

I must add that ever since me right eye hung out of it's socket for an hour during the Battle of Balaclava against the Russians a few years back I've been having trouble with blurry vision, maybe I should have gone hand to hand in a dark alleyway with Bono, for some reason he is always going doon dark alleyways. 

Lucky the young gurl was a sore loser and rammed Bono from behind ... I bet that isn't the first time he's been rammed from behind.    

Bono fell off his bicycle and landed right on his ego breaking his left arm in 6 places, breaking his shoulder blade into three, breaking his left eye socket and fracturing 4 bones in his penis, he also heard someone laugh which hurt his feelings in 4 places. 

He has had to have 3 metal plates, a hinge, a brass nameplate and 18 screws installed, also his nose tapered, his eyelids lifted and some hair plugs put in.   

 I just heard of a new tax dodging scheme, you'll save millions, I'll tell you later.

Luckily Bono had already recorded his squealing for the new release of the old Bandaid song Do they know it's deadly, proceeds going to help the starving people of Ebola.     

If Bono had not been able to record it then Geldof would have said some snarky passive aggressive comment about him like he did with Adele who was busy doing other things to drop everything for Sir Bob. 

While recuperating in hospital Bono thanked Jimmy Fallon for understanding why he couldn't make it to his show and he also said, "To the little shite on the trike, you've messed with the wrong man, I'm Bono the greatest person alive since Jesus, I will find you and fuck you up."    

So Old Knudsen is a little rusty and Bono is still alive, this story is not an admission of guilt as the prescription drugs I take for me Alzheimer's, depression, dodgy knee and hemorrhoids clears me of all wrong doing according to my lawyer and he's Jewish so he knows all the loopholes. 

The wee Irish man has suffered, sure after yon Bloody Sunday song he totally deserves it so I'm keeping all the money.  Until my next job I suppose I'll just have to practice on normal less famous people. 

Speaking of which, for just £3 you can pay for water purifying packets for the people of Ebola .... or you can get rid of Kayne West, yer choice. 


  

Ebola Is Trending In Africa This Christmas Time

Get off my fucking lawn!

Bob Geldof is a miserable looking git for someone who is worth 32 million. Some people just cannot be happy, is it any wonder that people around him kill themselves? Just looking at that face has Old Knudsen reaching for a rope. 

Going by what Peaches said of him he was strict and standoffish towards his kids when their mother Paula Yates killed herself by over dose, Bob seems to care more about the Africans than his own family and even that has limits.

He certainly isn't punk rock at all no matter what his personal grooming says, Mr honourary knighthood and several honourary doctorates, he's Mr establishment. 

Has he given up feeding the poor? While Ethiopia is booming with Chinese money and building there is famine in Somalia and Sudan. Is he donating money from his charity single to Ebola in west Africa because it's trendy right now?  

Geldof used Live 8 to help get Tony Blair elected and spoke for Scotland staying British. Of course he isn't British he just wants to be relevant, has no one told him he has a face for radio?

When talking about world population he has said "There can't be more people on the Earth than we can feed" and has put it onto women to be educated on having fewer children .... yes because in these butt fuck cuntries weemen really have so much control over their bodies. 

Even in Kenya which is semi civilised for an African cuntry a woman was stripped in the street and shamed for wearing a short skirt.      

Aye blame the weemen .... Geldof has had three children but I suppose that doesn't count, someone has issues. 

 He doesn't have a paper sticker badge on his coat, he never gave to charity!

I don't know where the money from Band aid's latest Do they know it's Christmas is going to, it's like that person in the street rattling a plastic jar and saying, "support cancer" ... wha? So many charities you've never heard of in the UK all trying to get yer loose change because the government funds fuck all.

At least they just give you a dirty look when you refuse to bend to street peer pressure unlike the religious ones that give you a passive aggressive 'Jesus loves you anyway.'    

Geldof is an adviser to the ONE campaign, when it was brought to the attention of the public that 1.2% of their funding went to charities they mentioned that they didn't really give to charities they just raise awareness .... well thanks for letting us know, most of their funding comes from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. It seems that you can work in charity without actually working with charities. 

So who gets the Bandaid 30 money? Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) otherwise known as Doctors Without Borders or Oxfam? Where is the charity name recognition? You should think Bandaid 30 then have the charity connected in yer thoughts, is it UNICEF? that's who got it in the 80's but they mostly just do famine .... the good news for them is that west Africa might very well get a famine too. 

 Africa and the Middle East are beyond saving so I suggest other options.

Latest Ebola news is that Guinea, Liberia, Sierra Leone and Mali are the big outbreak cuntries at the moment with outbreaks also in Nigeria and Senegal.  

What about the song? People have complained that the first Band aid song was stupid and written by someone who thought that Africa was a cuntry. Of course there is snow in Africa and plenty of rain and rivers. I'm pretty sure that they know it's Christmas too, I'm sure they have calendars in Africa. 

Santa (or Black Peter) doesn't do cuntries of colour but he will give them a good ol mocking with some blackface cos he's a total cunt. How many Golliwogs did Santa give to children back in the 70's? 

Political correctness spoiled my Christmas.

So onto the lyrics, It’s Christmas time – and there’s no need to be afraid ... that starts up the same though there is always a need for fear. Some big fat fella who has been watching you all year breaks into yer house, fear is totally natural. 

There’s a world outside your window – and it’s a world of dread and fear .... aye but no need for fear huh.

Where a kiss of love can kill you – and there’s death in every tear .... fuck that's depressing.


And the Christmas bells that ring there – are the clanging chimes of doom, Well tonight we’re reaching out and touching you ... no you fucking well are not! Just because you have a knighthood doesn't mean you can touch whoever you want, who do you think you are Jimmy Savile?

No peace and joy this Christmas in West Africa ... no, not as catchy. 

The only hope they’ll have is being alive ... it's really not that bad, just don't eat anyone's feces or saliva, and since they are not poor at least they'll have food and Christmas presents so yay!


Where to comfort is to fear, Where to touch is to be scared .... so don't touch or comfort the sick, got it.


How can they know it’s Christmas time at all .... the Christmas decorations and the crappy songs might give it away.

So there you have it, with Christmas and the holidays being difficult for many people, especially those with depression Bob Geldof is trying to have more people kill themselves with this gawd awful song. 

The United Nations Mission for Ebola Emergency Response (UNMEER) has been set up in Ghana and Obama keeps telling the world how the US is leading the fight against Ebola .... uh no yer not, as usual yer well late for the fight. Let them work away at it, just how much money are we expected to give to charities? 

Ach give what you will, people very often pretend to be less cuntish around Christmas for some reason, give Bob, Bono and One Direction their Christmas tax breaks and feel like you've done some good in the world as you tuck into yer turkey.       

 

Experts Predict Bad Stuff ... Again

Top scientists have made some startling predictions for December, now called Deadcember. Due to climate change (Global warming is an obsolete term) and mystical forces beyond our comprehension we are to suffer a few very bad weeks.

A polar vortex will plunge the UK into a mini Ice-age with higher grounds getting up to an inch of snow. The whole cuntry will cum to a standstill, there will be a lot of moaning and pictures posted on Facebook. Old people will die and due to food shortages many babies and young children will be eaten.
Experts predict it to be the coldest afternoon in all recorded history ... ever! 

Frost cougars will take advantage of the snow and will come down from the hills and form packs to hunt people, even a scratch from a frost cougar will then turn you into one of them, a bite will give you Ebola.  

David Cameron with Ali Baghdaddy.

ISIS will exploit the UK's vulnerability and David Cameron will surrender to them. Everyone will be forced to convert or have their welfare benefits stopped. Alcohol will be banned and the nation will be forced to view life through sober eyes for a change ..... the fucking bastards! 

All weemen under the age of 75 will be forced to get Halal boobs implants to be in line with Islamic law.

The large Hadron Collider 574 ft beneath the Franco-Swiss border will go into melt down after the EU decides on the standard size that God particles should be and this will create a black hole. 

Scientists are 78% sure that the black hole will occur when Asia is facing it so the civilised world will probably be safe. 

Until the week after when Brutus 476 grazes the surface of the earth killing millions and sending debris into the air blocking off all light from the sun. 

Wolves infected with a new strain of the SARS virus will over run Africa so nations around the world will have to build walls to keep the Africans out. 

Bob Geldoff will re-release Do they know it's Christmas with Bono singing all of it cos who needs anyone else? Then Bob will wonder why it is that people in his life tend to kill themselves. The SARS infected Africans will kill themselves in protest to this shite song. Even Midge Ure who used to be cool and who co-wrote the song will have a crisis of conscience and off himself .... Bob will be very sad for a week before giving a two page interview to the Daily Mail about it.

Santa will still not visit Africa cos he's racist and is still recovering from a stroke so Christmas may very well be cancelled everywhere. 

Large crotch eating spiders will invade people's homes to get away from all the crazy weather, the government will then set up a spider tax to charge people for how many spiders they are likely to have in their homes.   

White Americans will riot and post angry comments on Twitter after being told that police will start shooting them too in order to not seem racist. 

Walmart will be voted the # 1 store to loot in America. Their new slogan will be, 'social injustice? ... then why not loot us?'  .... offer of looting does not apply to store employees forced to go on welfare as Walmart does not pay a living wage, terms and conditions may apply.

The west coast of America will catch fire and several movies will be made about it all shot in Vancouver. 

Hilary Clinton will be exposed as a soul sucker demon, being a lawyer she'll go on TV and cry saying she was the actual victim as that guy checked out her ass ...... her approval rating soars and is made President without an election. 

Kim Kardashian's arse does indeed break the Internet and she is sent to Federal prison, she tweets pictures of her designer prison overalls and soon everyone is wearing them. 

It's not all doom and gloom from the "experts" they predict that Jesus will return, just in time for Christmas. However we'll probably kill him again once he starts preaching about that equality shit. 

 

 

Flip Flops And Death Threats

Remember that time I took a flip flop covered in anthrax for our beloved president Bush? I got the medal of honor, valor and freedom, only two other people have ever gotten that medal, actor Audie Murphy and L.A. cop Martin Riggs. I also got a year's subscription to 'ladies of Homeland Security' which I only read for the articles.

The how to get various stains out of Micro Suede article was very helpful. 

I didn't have time to think when that flip flop came flying at the president my training just kicked in ..... I'm just glad they didn't use crocs or I wouldn't be here today. 

So yer man Bob Geldof the lead singer for the bum town cats, multimillionaire with his own media company and real estate assets and total fucking astronaut ..... well right now hes just a space cadet as he hasn't had his flight up to space yet, has asked me to guard his skinny pasty white boney body. 

In most of the world to 'do' someone is to shag them, for example 'I'd totally do her over a wheelie bin I don't care if it's raining and my cock is dipping green puss' In Northern Ireland it means to kill or at least fuck up some one which isn't sexual either despite the name.... ach sex/violence they usually both hurt and end in crying so whatever. 

  

Sir Bob said that terrorism was cowardly and didn't think much of our very important flag issue. "It can’t be about something as preposterous as a flag. To nail your identity to a piece of cloth that has three colours or four colours. Do us a favour. It gets tiresome."


He says that a bomber who blew himself up can't be compare to an ordinary person in the street as hes a selfish fanatical prick and ha ha hes dead, thats fucking karma right there .... I paraphrased that bit.
He did say:

"They are slightly emotionally imbalanced clearly if they feel it is alright to kill a child, a man. Why would you possibly do that over something that is not worth the death of a human being. I despise that stuff, Nationalism, terrorism, killing other people. I don’t think you need help in understanding why killing another person for some spurious political end isn’t loathsome, cowardly ultimately."
 

Some Flegger/keyboard warrior put a fatwa onto Sir Bob, "NO ONE CALLS 4 PIECE AN INSALTS THE FLEG ON MY WATCH. YOUR DEAD U FENIAN CUNT YEEEOOOWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   

Oh no, fleggers are really tough an shit, remember yon time they were going to celebrate their culture but called it off because the weather was bad? .... aye like ya need good weather to suck in yer fat gut and saunter around the streets like a tough guy giving dirty looks to everyone. 

Here is a flegger in a rare moment of tenderness as he gets a happy meal for his flegger childer. 

 

Fleggers usually avoid human contact in case they give away their underclass poorly educated status but will grow bold in large numbers. 

Old Knudsen isn't too worried about them, Geldof was right, the flag people are stupid and terrorists are cowards. 
Killing innocent people, even your own people to achieve a united Ireland ..... how did that work out for you? Yer scum and so are the people who mourn you, might as well give the incompetent bombers 72 virgins too cos yer just like yon Islamists.  
Those who riot against the police and destroy Northern Ireland's economy over flegs and the imaginary attacks on their culture are scum, pawns of asswipe drug dealing paramilitaries and others who want to make a name in politics. 

I hate to do it but I agree with Geldof. Then again Geldof told the Arabs to stop having children which is funny and something else Old Knudsen can agree with. 

  

No seriously ya cheeky Arabs, stop breeding.

Geldof was at the Gulf Intelligence Food Security Forum held in the United Arab Emirates and told them to stop their dirty fucking around ...... not in those words and it wasn't just aimed at the Arabs. Maybe he should look to his native Ireland for bringing about some birth control. 

The world's population is growing too fast and by 2050 it will be at 10 billion which means we'll have to increase agricultural production by 70% and the water available has dropped 75% since 1950 and what will golf courses do then, play on astro turf ? Not to mention the groundskeepers being out of jobs and a decrease in lawn mower sales ..... we're looking at the perfect storm unless you durty buggers keep the snake in the cage.  

Eco factories in Germany making clean white fluffy clouds.

Bob is concerned with the effect of climate change too "This is not a cycle, not just a fluctuation, it's the end."

Even with the billions of pounds, Euros and stones or whatever the Arabs barter with that were invested in green measures to combat climate change such as the fluffy cloud factories Geldof spoke of gloom and doom ... that miserable fucker isn't getting invited to any of my parties. 

The Dalai Lama .... if that is even his real name agreed with Sir Bob and used his non-threatening smile and fortune cookie wisdom to make the point. 

"If we are to live on flags and hatred of the past then all we hunger for is pain, if we are to live on fornicating with each other and raping the earth then all we will hunger for is that which shall kill us, the flower's petals are bound to fall to the ground so why don't you all just fuck up and free Tibet, I used to live like a god for fucks sake."  

 The Fleggers on Facebook responded, "NO ONE FUCKING WELL CALLS 4 TABLET 2 B FREE ON MY WATCH YOUR FUCKIN DEAD DELI LAMA YE FENIAN CUNT YEEEOOOWWW!!!!!!!! 

Loyalists are a fanatical bunch, always ready to exploit a situation in some poorly thought out and violent way. Such as painting over a George Best mural and putting up a tiny mouthed UVF scumbag with a Martin Luther King quote ...... ya know, MLK the guy who was against violence and for peaceful protest, not Loyalist peaceful protest but real peaceful protest.

Here we have Orangeman Nelson McCauseland the Minister for Social Development in the Northern Ireland ..... well that explains why we haven't progressed any. He has put the blood stained brick that struck his pal Nigel Dodds on the head on E-bay as the Orange Order need to raise more funds for their winter offensive against the police and poor Nelson can only skim so much off his budget without getting caught.  

I shall not be accepting the Geldof job as I am still locked in a contract protecting Edwin Poots. 

 

Geldof Takes My Flag Into Space

Secret flegger Bob Geldof wears the flag proudly ..... for a Fenian cock sucker.

Bob Geldof has completed his first training flight simulation of the XCOR Lynx spacecraft. The mission is to land on asteroid TCU-14 later in the year and mine the fuck out of it.

The former pop star is said to be very excited about going up into space and even became a British citizen, relinquishing his Irish citizenship in order to qualify for the position.

"It's such a great opportunity to wear a flight suit and aviator glasses" said the multi millionaire as he posed for photographs.  

Bono turned up with a starving African, that man is such a downer.

 

Bob Geldof Is A Cunt

Brenda Ann Spencer was the 16 year-old gurl who shot up The Cleveland Elementary School in San Diego in 1979. The Principle and the Custodian were killed, 8 children and a police officer wounded. A reporter was phoning houses nearby the school to see if anyone had and information, when he talked to Spencer she owned up to it giving the flippant excuse for the murders as "Because I don't like Mondays."

 

You hear all the time what a cunt Bono is but Bob Geldof gets pretty much a free ride. "Sir Bob" as the media calls him had a big hit with the song 'I don't like Mondays' about the Cleveland Elementary shooting, he was in the states as the news broke. Just think what kind of cunt you'd have to be to think, hmmm school shooting, makes me want to write a pop song, 'Oh I like Batman but I'm as mad as jam so I'll shoot you all dead, uh huh oh yeah baby' ..... pretty cuntish huh?  What rhymes with Sandy Hook? .... got my point?

The song was banned from a few US stations out of respect and didn't break America but became a major hit in the UK.
Bob with his Boomtown rats had a couple of other hits in the UK and Ireland but nothing compared to I don't like Mondays ..... So he got rich and famous from a tragedy.

Fast forward to 1984.

Bob had already faded as a star and so I guessed decided to save the world instead since all he was doing was drugs, drinking and shagging Paula Yates.

 Let me lead you out of starvation with pop music.

The latest story about Geldof being a passenger on a space plane annoyed me, Then there was the tax dodging and then there was that time he charged $100,000 to go to Melbourne to give a talk on world poverty. Does Bob live in poverty? Like fuck he does.  

Here is Bob's house in Kent, just one of his homes. 

Now for the truth. Ya know what Live Aid and Band Aid did besides make shite songs? they fed Africans long enough so they could make more Africans .... not a popular truth but a truth none the less.

Africa is in a worse state since Sir Bob begged for money on yer telly during the 80's. 

Dr Livingstone in the 1800's described Africa as  "this open sore of the world" the prayer he brought there obviously did fuck all good.

Bob Geldof got famous off the back of a slaughter (the same as Bono) and then became very rich from his humanitarian work, TV production and promotional speaking, hes worth well over £51 million, not bad for having one big hit in 1979. 

 It's a rat trap baby!

So Bob, hows that African thing going, still feeding the world? .... "feck the world I'll fecking loaded, I wipe my arse with Africans."

The life of the Africans didn't improve but his sure did.