New Earth-like Planet Found

Scientists have discovered an Earth like planet orbiting round a G2 type yellow star. Caplin K34T is 40% bigger than the Earth and has 2 thirds of it's surface covered in water.

Scientists ate the SETI Institute in Mountain View, California say that this new world could sustain human and plant life as it has been in the habitable zone for billions of years which would provide the necessary conditions for life and could possibly be quite Earth like.

NASA’s associate administrator John Gransfeild said, "from the data we have so far a human colony could live on Caplin K34T and within 2 years the planet would be ready for full scale colonization, we are really excited about the opportunities these finds give us to explore and to learn about the universe."   

 

 
As like the 1,030 confirmed Earth like planets that have been found, Caplan K34T is so far away that it would take you 32,000 years to travel there so what is the fucking point of getting so excited?

Yay! a planet that could save humanity once we're done destroying this one, maybe it has alien life that will be our friend and will give us special alien shit like ray guns.

Maybe it contains morons who just found Earth through a telescope and got all excited at how similar it is to their planet, if only they could get to it but finding it has validated their existence and they'll  continue to get funding. Only Economists and Climate scientists have job security these days.

I just made up this planet but fuck it and its fucking G2 star. There is bound to be intelligent life out there on some of those planets and maybe on the 4,700 possible candidates they've found and maybe they've seen us and said, "no intelligent life on that planet except for Old Knudsen."  If you were an alien would you waste yer time on us?

We need to get our rockets better or find some wormholes or something cos this planet is well fucked, soon the dentists won't have anything to shoot and we're running out of places to dump our toxic waste as people notice it when you dump it into the river. As a wise man once said, "we need breathing room" I think it was Stephen Hawking maybe.  
 
  

Is Death From Above Really Progress?

 

 An artist's rendition called 'death from above.'

The unmanned Russian spacecraft Progress 59 is due to crash to earth between May 5th and 7th but scientists have studied the odds and their best guess says it will either hit the sea or some uninhabited land.
On the other hand it may land on YOU ..... remember when rocket science used to imply intelligence? Now it implies hipster nerds with funky hair cuts and bad sexist shirts.   

Progress 59 is a Russian craft full of supplies for the International space station. As Progress 59 was docking, Dr. Ryan Stone a medical engineer nicknamed The jinx pushed the wrong button sending the ship shooting back towards the earth. 

She was only on the ISS to experiment on how space affects the making of sandwiches. 

Now Progress 59 is falling back to earth full of bread and various sliced meats, we are kinda hoping it crashes in Nepal but we don't want to scare the people .    

The crew of the ISS will be fine, they have a 6 month emergency supply of  food jokingly called last resort mystery meat because it's 5 years old and is the stuff that no one liked. They always put the horrible stuff to the side and ate the nice stuff and now they get to clear it all out. Most of the emergency food is packets of Kapuska which is a hearty Turkish cabbage stew.  

Bookmakers are putting odds on the crew of the ISS resorting to cannibalism before the emergency food runs out and they get resupplied in June .... assuming that makes it up.  
 

NASA would like to reassure the public that they are in no danger from falling space craft but since this is a Russian ship they have said, "fuck it, not our problem."

Falling planes, pianos and bricks thrown by hairy primates kill more people worldwide than falling space craft so don't worry ... unless this is a Russian distraction and Progress 59 is really armed with a nuke and heading for the White house, if so then the rest of us can breathe a sigh of relief as the Obamas and the Americans in the surrounding area for 100 miles were kinda annoying. 

Progress 59 ... in 1959 pantyhose and Barbie was invented, the Dalai Lama bravely fled Tibet and Castro took over Cuba executing 71 opposition supporters so this could be any kind of vague message from the Russians or a Rusky joke about progress. 
In 1959, 21 students were killed when a US jet fighter crashed into an Elementary School on the island of Okinawa, the pilot had ejected ... they already had their fill of uncontrolled, ach you're bound to be fine death from above. Was there any other worse place in the area that it could have crashed? 
Small island, big sea, the odds are ......

There are also more deaths from unexpected materializing time travelers than death by falling space ship. 147 car accident insurance reports could not be processed last year as the mysterious time travelers always yelled about being late and vanished according to police reports when they got to the scene of the accidents. 

You've also got more chance of dying from an early morning heart attack on the bog than being hit by space debris. 
Time travelers materializing in the bath tub while yer having yer morning glory is enough to scare anyone to death. Some think that Elvis didn't die on the toilet and that a time traveler appeared and took him with him otherwise why would the tomb be empty 3 days later? 

I may be mixing my fictional characters up a little but if Elvis did die for yer sins then don't let him doon, keep on sinning. If homosexuality is an abomination according to some good Christian folk then ghey me up and fuck me in the arse for I love Elvis!   

Does anyone else have nightmares of a hand reaching up from the crapper and pinching yer arse as you pinch off a loaf? Some have dreams of prophecy concerning them leading vast armies or losing their virginity to a real person who isn't a relative but Old Knudsen sees this prophecy of doom in his future which is why he has started to shit into carrier bags and empty jars. Banning plastic bags from shops isn't very helpful, I have to buy rolls of bags for my functions though on the bright side me poo is easier to fling ....  just call me Mr Sunnyside.

From the 5th to the 7th keep a watch on the skies cos seriously, scientists really know fuck all these days. You may not win the lottery but knowing yer luck a big fuck off space ship full of peanut butter and jelly might land on yer hoose.      

Turds In Space

First the bus with the bomb on it, Jesse James and now this, I'm so not liking my life choices.

India launched a rocket for Mars in November of 2013, in October of this year it should reach the red planet and go into orbit, just cos it's a cool thing to do.
They may also study the planet's atmosphere and surface probably for colonization so they can build evil robots and build a clone army away from the rules and laws that have prevented them from doing it on Earth . Maybe they'll open call centers and pretend to be typing and fixing yer problem but you know they aren't. 'Just bare with me I just have to run a few diagnostic programs from our end'  plays busy office tape with typing sounds  'Hey Apu, did you see Tru Blood last night? that shit was off the hook.'

Prince Razzi din jam jazzi inspecting his rocket.

Another nation who wants to go to Mars is the United Arab Emirates. These oil rich cunts no doubt want yet another place to argue about religion. UAE's emirate of Dubai, Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum ..... if that is indeed his name and not what he had for lunch said the mission will prove the Arab world is still capable of delivering scientific contributions to humanity rather than just blowing themselves up and burning flags.

I added the last bit. These people don't even eat bacon and they think they can go to Mars? Its unmanned probe will take nine months to travel the 37 million miles to Mars, that's 2 months faster than India HA! In total that is 9 nations with Mars in their space program .... the race is on. 

Muslim majority cuntries such as Algeria, Tunisia, Egypt, Turkey Indonesia, Pakistan and Iran all have space programs ..... not that religion is important or anything.
In 1985 Saudi-born Prince Sultan bin Salman Al-Saud became the first Muslim and Arab to travel to space, he had to fight his natural inclination to take over the cockpit and ram the space ship into the International space station but apart from that he did great. Watching him trying to pray to Mecca while in orbit was fucking hilarious.... Hey Sally you just prayed to Ireland, ya potato lover. 

Muzzle toff Mahmoud, it's a boy! 

Last year Iran sent a monkey up into space for the second time even though they were still cleaning bits from the capsule from the first time.

It will return in 50 of our Earth years and it will bring it's friends.

Of course when the UAE send manned flights and you know they will, there will be strict laws as written down by Allah himself. No kissing or touching! No one gives a fuck that it's a long flight, Indian rockets may have rape as a common pursuit but not on an UAE ship.

No swearing or indecent gestures, even on space walks giving the thumbs up is seen as a rude gesture and you may expect a harsh prison sentence before you are stoned and hanged .... or the other way round.

No taking pictures without permission, that includes snapshots of yer cuntry from space, again with the prison, stoning and hanging.

No disrespecting any religion ..... that happens to be Islam. You'll be beat with a flip flop, stoned, hanged and then imprisoned, just to shake things up .... or sheik things up, see what I did there? oh fuck off.

No sharing private space with opposite sex . In fact no sharing space, death to those who insult Islam or those who just aren't Islamic... or Islamic enough.  

No indecent clothing, again this is not India. Our bodies .... especially weemen's are immoral and indecent and should be covered from head to toe at all times, oh not men because that would be really uncomfortable. 50 lashes for space weemen that show their ankles.


What is Nasa doing? Can we afford to let a load of Mooslims invade and colonise Planet Mars? They don't even speak English for fucks sake how can they be ambassadors for Earth like wot we white .... er western nations are?

Here is what NASA are doing, they are talking ... not doing but talking, about the possibility of life on other planets. Fucking recession, now NASA can only talk a space program.
They say that 10 to 20 percent of stars around us have Earth-size planets in the habitable zone. In just a few years we may have telescopes that can identify planets that can sustain life and that it's very likely that every single star in our Milky Way galaxy has at least one Earth like planet.

Imagine the moment when the world wakes up and the human race realizes that its long loneliness in time and space may be over .... oh and they want YOU to sleep on the wet patch cos yer just a slave meat sack who will serve or die, now roll over and prepare for my love invasion.  

Gone are the good ol days when Charlton Heston would go up into space arrogantly brag about the free cuntry he comes from to a race of platitudians. We were created equal damn it, not to be slaves ... well except for the Mexicans, weemen and anyone who isn't Christian ..... we used to not like blacks but thanks to the liberals we can't say anything negative about them.  Our nation is a shining example of freedom and democracy, a republic? what the fuck is that? 

Aye the US is a republic and yet it wants to make democracies, no faith in the republican brand.  

The American dream were you have the founding fathers given rights to pursue happiness and oil. A big car in the driveway, a wife to have yer dinner on the table for when you come in from lying in yer garden hammock all day, 2.5 children ... aye little Joey probably won't life long. 

We get to own guns in case we need to overthrow the government or shoot up a school and we barbeque where ever the fuck we like, Afghanistan, Iraq, Vietnam, Somalia, Nazi fucking Germany, aye some barbeques last longer than others but all are left with a pile of burn ambers ...  except Germany who are doing better than everyone else, being the bully does pay off eventually. 

We can't let those damn dirty apes get their hands on the red planet, I say we nuke the fucker or frack it to death.

In Space No One Can Hear You Incesting

A Jewish princess and a goofy blonde dude, they make a lovely couple.

Geldof Takes My Flag Into Space

Secret flegger Bob Geldof wears the flag proudly ..... for a Fenian cock sucker.

Bob Geldof has completed his first training flight simulation of the XCOR Lynx spacecraft. The mission is to land on asteroid TCU-14 later in the year and mine the fuck out of it.

The former pop star is said to be very excited about going up into space and even became a British citizen, relinquishing his Irish citizenship in order to qualify for the position.

"It's such a great opportunity to wear a flight suit and aviator glasses" said the multi millionaire as he posed for photographs.  

Bono turned up with a starving African, that man is such a downer.

 

Phasers Set To Surrender

Captain's log the USS Tanker . Orbiting around Sectarian 4 we have been told that we cannot go onto the planet's surface to express our British culture because of the Prime directive .... no one tells us what we can't do. LIKE and SHARE.

Captain! sensors show a Klingon bird of prayer who wants to express their Britishness. Oh and do you know that I have a special recording from the Ra-mulans who say they want to mourdor us beys .... but only I can hear it? 

 Focus Specks and lay off the meds. Put the Klingons on screen.

Greetings ! We can carve this planet up between us and just let the Federation funding roll in, what do you say?

 

 I want to be in total control, forcing everyone to be white, Protestant and British. You will love Jesus and have babies whether you want to or not.

For the love of God. Jamie you sometimes useful tool who I pretend to like, launch torpedoes.

   Wight Jim! Just waiting on UVF permission to do anything ..... and they're off. :::::explosion!:::::

 Scotty, whats the status report?

It's Sammy, yer the fuckin Scot. Status report is that we have 8 million likes and half the world are talking about us....... must have been that wee dance ya did at the Con club. 

An those torpedoes ...

Did someone say pedos? I don't know anything about that just like my time in the IRA ... oh you have proof, maybe I know something then.

They're chipping away at are shields and destroying our ship, the auxiliary power, whatever that is, is banjaxed. Jim yer my best fuckin mate, whats with the suitcases M8? ..... yer leaving? ..... but we're fucked and not going anywhere, Jim! Jim!

Jim!  get out of bed yer cornflakes are ready.    

Don't call me Jim! My name is Alice and I'm a pretty gurl.


Why yes you are.

FRAK!

It was a time of great hardship for the human race, so much destruction and death and hold on a minute, shit I'm blogging from the future, aw fuck well just ignore that bit about destruction etc etc its tough being a Timelord sometimes.

I really only use it to either re-eat a really nice fish supper or to go back or forward in time to have sex with meself any other use would be abusing my powerful position and that would be wrong.

So anyway long after the time that the Apes ruled the Earth I was a Colonel aboard the Battlestar Erotica, we were at war with these robots from Ceylon called Cylons who thought they were superior to humans even though we made them and wanted to dominate us, yes as you have probably already guessed they were made by Microsoft, their breaking doon all the time was the only thing that kept us ahead in the war.

Frak off you motherfrakkers why the frak you always frakking with me?

I was on the bridge of the Erotica dropping food over the side for the 'Space carp' when Lt Johnson shouted "incoming bogies on the space radar Colonel" annoyed that my quiet fish feeding time was interrupted I growled back " wipe them off ya dirty frakker" he did so using his cuff "4 Cylon raiders inbound 6 o'clock" I looked at my watch, thank fuck my shift ended at 5.

"Frakkin toasters" I yelled "why can't they just lightly brown my bread?"

"Get captain Apollo Creed and Lt Maxwell Hoose into their Vipers and tell them to blast those frakking Cylons into frakkin pieces" I demanded as I tried to scrape the dark bits off my frakkin toast but it never tastes the frakkin same afterwards.

Commander Adonis strolled onto the frakkin bridge, "whats the frakkin situation Colonel ?" his face betraying no emotion at all.

"Well sur I have this frakkin itch which I think I got from interrogating the Cylon prisoner that looks like a hot woman, the only thing she would say was 'Oh my god' over and over as I interrogated her then on Big Brother that hoor Kathy went doon on that recycling droid Wall-e that bug eyed little cunt blew a frakkin fuse, pathetic pig disease has wiped out most of the porkers and they think it is starting to effect humans as we are so closely related due to all the transplants, Gids has killed 5000 people already the Christian fundies have named it the 'ginger plague' but I don't care as I'm not a filthy immoral ginger ."

The commander listen patiently then he pulled out his service space pistol and blew his brains out.

"Hey it wasn't me" I exclaimed as everyone looked on in shock, "well there you have it 5 o'clock already I'll be frakkin off now."

Latest OBB News Up-Dates