Is Death From Above Really Progress?

 

 An artist's rendition called 'death from above.'

The unmanned Russian spacecraft Progress 59 is due to crash to earth between May 5th and 7th but scientists have studied the odds and their best guess says it will either hit the sea or some uninhabited land.
On the other hand it may land on YOU ..... remember when rocket science used to imply intelligence? Now it implies hipster nerds with funky hair cuts and bad sexist shirts.   

Progress 59 is a Russian craft full of supplies for the International space station. As Progress 59 was docking, Dr. Ryan Stone a medical engineer nicknamed The jinx pushed the wrong button sending the ship shooting back towards the earth. 

She was only on the ISS to experiment on how space affects the making of sandwiches. 

Now Progress 59 is falling back to earth full of bread and various sliced meats, we are kinda hoping it crashes in Nepal but we don't want to scare the people .    

The crew of the ISS will be fine, they have a 6 month emergency supply of  food jokingly called last resort mystery meat because it's 5 years old and is the stuff that no one liked. They always put the horrible stuff to the side and ate the nice stuff and now they get to clear it all out. Most of the emergency food is packets of Kapuska which is a hearty Turkish cabbage stew.  

Bookmakers are putting odds on the crew of the ISS resorting to cannibalism before the emergency food runs out and they get resupplied in June .... assuming that makes it up.  
 

NASA would like to reassure the public that they are in no danger from falling space craft but since this is a Russian ship they have said, "fuck it, not our problem."

Falling planes, pianos and bricks thrown by hairy primates kill more people worldwide than falling space craft so don't worry ... unless this is a Russian distraction and Progress 59 is really armed with a nuke and heading for the White house, if so then the rest of us can breathe a sigh of relief as the Obamas and the Americans in the surrounding area for 100 miles were kinda annoying. 

Progress 59 ... in 1959 pantyhose and Barbie was invented, the Dalai Lama bravely fled Tibet and Castro took over Cuba executing 71 opposition supporters so this could be any kind of vague message from the Russians or a Rusky joke about progress. 
In 1959, 21 students were killed when a US jet fighter crashed into an Elementary School on the island of Okinawa, the pilot had ejected ... they already had their fill of uncontrolled, ach you're bound to be fine death from above. Was there any other worse place in the area that it could have crashed? 
Small island, big sea, the odds are ......

There are also more deaths from unexpected materializing time travelers than death by falling space ship. 147 car accident insurance reports could not be processed last year as the mysterious time travelers always yelled about being late and vanished according to police reports when they got to the scene of the accidents. 

You've also got more chance of dying from an early morning heart attack on the bog than being hit by space debris. 
Time travelers materializing in the bath tub while yer having yer morning glory is enough to scare anyone to death. Some think that Elvis didn't die on the toilet and that a time traveler appeared and took him with him otherwise why would the tomb be empty 3 days later? 

I may be mixing my fictional characters up a little but if Elvis did die for yer sins then don't let him doon, keep on sinning. If homosexuality is an abomination according to some good Christian folk then ghey me up and fuck me in the arse for I love Elvis!   

Does anyone else have nightmares of a hand reaching up from the crapper and pinching yer arse as you pinch off a loaf? Some have dreams of prophecy concerning them leading vast armies or losing their virginity to a real person who isn't a relative but Old Knudsen sees this prophecy of doom in his future which is why he has started to shit into carrier bags and empty jars. Banning plastic bags from shops isn't very helpful, I have to buy rolls of bags for my functions though on the bright side me poo is easier to fling ....  just call me Mr Sunnyside.

From the 5th to the 7th keep a watch on the skies cos seriously, scientists really know fuck all these days. You may not win the lottery but knowing yer luck a big fuck off space ship full of peanut butter and jelly might land on yer hoose.      

Turds In Space

First the bus with the bomb on it, Jesse James and now this, I'm so not liking my life choices.

India launched a rocket for Mars in November of 2013, in October of this year it should reach the red planet and go into orbit, just cos it's a cool thing to do.
They may also study the planet's atmosphere and surface probably for colonization so they can build evil robots and build a clone army away from the rules and laws that have prevented them from doing it on Earth . Maybe they'll open call centers and pretend to be typing and fixing yer problem but you know they aren't. 'Just bare with me I just have to run a few diagnostic programs from our end'  plays busy office tape with typing sounds  'Hey Apu, did you see Tru Blood last night? that shit was off the hook.'

Prince Razzi din jam jazzi inspecting his rocket.

Another nation who wants to go to Mars is the United Arab Emirates. These oil rich cunts no doubt want yet another place to argue about religion. UAE's emirate of Dubai, Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum ..... if that is indeed his name and not what he had for lunch said the mission will prove the Arab world is still capable of delivering scientific contributions to humanity rather than just blowing themselves up and burning flags.

I added the last bit. These people don't even eat bacon and they think they can go to Mars? Its unmanned probe will take nine months to travel the 37 million miles to Mars, that's 2 months faster than India HA! In total that is 9 nations with Mars in their space program .... the race is on. 

Muslim majority cuntries such as Algeria, Tunisia, Egypt, Turkey Indonesia, Pakistan and Iran all have space programs ..... not that religion is important or anything.
In 1985 Saudi-born Prince Sultan bin Salman Al-Saud became the first Muslim and Arab to travel to space, he had to fight his natural inclination to take over the cockpit and ram the space ship into the International space station but apart from that he did great. Watching him trying to pray to Mecca while in orbit was fucking hilarious.... Hey Sally you just prayed to Ireland, ya potato lover. 

Muzzle toff Mahmoud, it's a boy! 

Last year Iran sent a monkey up into space for the second time even though they were still cleaning bits from the capsule from the first time.

It will return in 50 of our Earth years and it will bring it's friends.

Of course when the UAE send manned flights and you know they will, there will be strict laws as written down by Allah himself. No kissing or touching! No one gives a fuck that it's a long flight, Indian rockets may have rape as a common pursuit but not on an UAE ship.

No swearing or indecent gestures, even on space walks giving the thumbs up is seen as a rude gesture and you may expect a harsh prison sentence before you are stoned and hanged .... or the other way round.

No taking pictures without permission, that includes snapshots of yer cuntry from space, again with the prison, stoning and hanging.

No disrespecting any religion ..... that happens to be Islam. You'll be beat with a flip flop, stoned, hanged and then imprisoned, just to shake things up .... or sheik things up, see what I did there? oh fuck off.

No sharing private space with opposite sex . In fact no sharing space, death to those who insult Islam or those who just aren't Islamic... or Islamic enough.  

No indecent clothing, again this is not India. Our bodies .... especially weemen's are immoral and indecent and should be covered from head to toe at all times, oh not men because that would be really uncomfortable. 50 lashes for space weemen that show their ankles.


What is Nasa doing? Can we afford to let a load of Mooslims invade and colonise Planet Mars? They don't even speak English for fucks sake how can they be ambassadors for Earth like wot we white .... er western nations are?

Here is what NASA are doing, they are talking ... not doing but talking, about the possibility of life on other planets. Fucking recession, now NASA can only talk a space program.
They say that 10 to 20 percent of stars around us have Earth-size planets in the habitable zone. In just a few years we may have telescopes that can identify planets that can sustain life and that it's very likely that every single star in our Milky Way galaxy has at least one Earth like planet.

Imagine the moment when the world wakes up and the human race realizes that its long loneliness in time and space may be over .... oh and they want YOU to sleep on the wet patch cos yer just a slave meat sack who will serve or die, now roll over and prepare for my love invasion.  

Gone are the good ol days when Charlton Heston would go up into space arrogantly brag about the free cuntry he comes from to a race of platitudians. We were created equal damn it, not to be slaves ... well except for the Mexicans, weemen and anyone who isn't Christian ..... we used to not like blacks but thanks to the liberals we can't say anything negative about them.  Our nation is a shining example of freedom and democracy, a republic? what the fuck is that? 

Aye the US is a republic and yet it wants to make democracies, no faith in the republican brand.  

The American dream were you have the founding fathers given rights to pursue happiness and oil. A big car in the driveway, a wife to have yer dinner on the table for when you come in from lying in yer garden hammock all day, 2.5 children ... aye little Joey probably won't life long. 

We get to own guns in case we need to overthrow the government or shoot up a school and we barbeque where ever the fuck we like, Afghanistan, Iraq, Vietnam, Somalia, Nazi fucking Germany, aye some barbeques last longer than others but all are left with a pile of burn ambers ...  except Germany who are doing better than everyone else, being the bully does pay off eventually. 

We can't let those damn dirty apes get their hands on the red planet, I say we nuke the fucker or frack it to death.