Me and Audrey Hepburn, she had long passed her Roman holiday glory.
After the end of the second world war I was asked by director John Huston to star in a film along with Audrey Hepburn called 'The African king'. It was about me helping a missionary woman to sink a German patrol boat by ramming my boat 'The African king' into it in Eastern Africa during world war one.
Africa has a special place in my heart, Boer war, Apartheid, aids, famine and genocide ach I'm missing it just thinking about it. Nothing like gazing on the beautiful animals that God created in all his wisdom and shooting them. The locals laughingly called me 'endangered species Knudsen' but they always had food on their tables ............... yes I even gave them tables but they preferred to eat from bowls on the ground.
A lot of the movie was shot in Africa. Thats where John met Sissy and little Whitney Huston was born. What a fine child she was, always asking, "Uncle Knudsen what is that yer smoking, can I have some?"
Audrey suffered from the shits while over there but that still didn't stop me from hitting that. No not in a brutish way, well maybe a little bit brutish. Hitting is slang for fornicating though I may have punched her in the back of the head the odd time when she shat over me cock. We did the swimming scenes in a studio tank in England and it was like swimming in corn covered in gravy.
In Africa the caterers were local and served a dish known as 'long pig' it was very nice and tasted more like veal than pork. I later found out that long pig meant 'human' we filmed in the Congo so I'm not surprised, it did give me a taste for it and I've enjoyed it ever since.
Test audiences found my cockney accent too difficult to understand and to be honest Audrey wasn't the best choice for the role.
They remade the film with a few changes. Humphrey Bogart and Katerine Hepburn replaced us and even though that ugly cunt Bogart won an Oscar I don't think he was as good as me. The film was called 'The African Queen' which sounds right ghey and my version was released in Asia.
I did love the boat though. After the film it became a tourist boat but mysteriously sunk in calm waters with all 23 souls who were aboard in 1987.
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I don't like Africa. There I said it. Stone-age values with AK-47s whatever civilisation there was got the fuck out and stayed out, just like the middle east and Ireland.
AK47s shocking pink and flip flops.
George Clooney looking all gorgeous and rugged talking about how if you ignore the problems it won't just go away, well I think it will if we stop feeding them.
What happens when we give aid to the poor countries of Africa? We feed them and they make more Africans also the current dictator lines his pockets.
What a cute wee killer, thats his life and no matter how many bleeding heart stories the BBC tell no one will do anything because there is not much to do.
I say stop feeding the fuckers and only deal with the 5% of Africa that is semi civilised and has something to offer us . Its harsh and it leaves many to their fate of probable doom but they have that anyway, its not like the Yanks are going to go in there without the lure of oil. The only way to get the Yanks into Africa is for the Chinese and their ever growing needs and military to take an interest in the continent as they have been doing.
People are always calling for the Yanks to go here and there and when they go somwhere its branded as imperialism and now get the fuck out.
Remember Mogadishu in 1993? or Black hawk doon to you know nothings. Well this is a Somali soldier in 2007 getting dragged through the streets. Not much changes in that shit-hole of a place.
Fuck Live Aid and all the rest, let them kill themselves off with aids and stupidity why should we spend millions and billions when our own countries need it ? Sort yerselves out, start acting the white man and then we'll talk. 
Nicolas Sarkozy the president of France is dating former model Carla Bruni, and it has even been suggested that they are to be married. Many frogs have complained that the affair is too publicised and the preez should be a little bit more discreet. They think he is paying more attention to her than running the country.
Hmmm, thats a toughie let me think about that one more.
What would Jesus do? probably something about getting his feet oiled that kinky sod.
I saw this and I thought about Matt. I try not to think about him too much as my heart is still tender from last time, no I don't want to talk about it and I'm no crying, stop looking at me. He isn't as shallow as most men and will look past a woman's imperfections and as long as she is still a little warm hes willing to have a go at her, what a guy.
Since taking off his military uniform Pakistan's leader General Pervez Musharraf has gone wild. He has now blamed Benazir Bhutto for getting herself assassinated, he said something like she had to go and stick her head up through the sunroof. 
Mwai Kibaki came to a second term as president in Kenya after a vote that critics said was rigged. His tribe the Kikuyus and some others have been on the recieving end of the people's anger. Dozens of people who sought refuge in a church were burned alive and many more have been hacked to death in what amounts to genocide or ethnic cleansing whatever buzz words you want, I blame global warming. So far around 350 people have died and more than 30,000 have been displaced. 
