What Use Are The PSNI?

I told you it would end in tears. 

Back in the hazy days pre 1998 Northern Ireland had a police service like the US does today. It was called the  Royal Ulster Constabulary or RUC. That was back when you could still smoke in pubs and restaurants and before camera phones were a thing. 

We didn't have very many black people (still don't) so we filled that void by using Catholics in their place. The RUC was mostly Protestant and was a fair and just organization ... if you were Protestant. 

He looks a bit taigy, better throw him in the back.

Those movies where the army come in and take control .... that was our every day life as the army patrolled with a few RUC officers. The RUC had respect because they were feared. They'd cuff you around the head and send you on yer way if they couldn't be arsed bringing you in. 

They didn't shoot unarmed Catholics for kicks though would really fuck them up with their batons. Like peaceful protests in the US and the police go in and kick the fuck out of them because rights and the constitution means shit when dealing with hippies. 

These wee MP5's are heavy and scare me when they go bang.

The RUC was disbanded and affirmative action tried to hire Catholics for a 50/50 police service imaginatively called the Police Service of Northern Ireland or PSNI. No more baton charges and while the RUC could clear a room by just walking in the PSNI usually get a harsh mocking and told to fuck off. 

While the RUC were biased and often worked with Loyalist Paramilitaries you knew that when you called them they would turn up and sort things out.  

After 1998 we were supposed to have things changed, not just the police. The murals would be removed and we'd move forward in a shared future of equality. 

Of course those in power are biased towards their own side and people and now the police are too afraid to do anything in case it damages the peace we are supposed to have. 2015 the UK had the most terrorist attacks of all of Europe. Not ISIS or Al Qaeda but our own white bigoted Northern Ireland homegrown Christian terrorists.    

The PSNI behave more like security guards than police officers. They patrol and report back. We still have murals and flags promoting terrorist organizations up on lamp posts. The PSNI say it's not their job to remove them. 

Recently a banner of Billy Wright was put up on a lamp post. He was a scum UVF leader (a loyalist terrorist/criminal gang) who was killed while in prison in retaliation for a Catholic terrorist that was killed. The banner of a bloke connected to the murders of 20 people sits up there while the public are disgusted. 

If members of the public went around taking down banners and flags they would 1) get arrested 2) have their house petrol bombed while they slept or 3) get a punishment beating. 

We will now issue these Nerf guns so no one gets hurt.

   

The senior PSNI response to the banner is, 'well it might offend some while others it might not' ... not exactly the reaction you'd expect from the police. 

That Swastika, burning cross and pig's head on the mosque steps might offend some people but to the rest it might be ok. Best leave it for fear of offending someone.

Some people look for things to be offended by.

The PSNI don't seem to like confrontation and during a riot will stand there and take a beating while their colleagues film the crimes. The next day they'll publish a report of how many officers were hurt and how much the policing cost. 

If they recognize any of the criminals from the video footage they may arrest them a month away when they least expect it .... huh?   

Maybe it's just on the TV that police stop crimes from being committed instead of watching them.  

Recently a mother of 3 was killed while walking her dog. A 17 year-old on a dirt bike hit her. The guy was charged with it as he didn't have a license, insurance and was riding it in a forest park in West Belfast for fucks sake. 

If you live on a housing estate you'll see teenagers riding scramblers without helmets either on the road or on grass bits nears houses to just fuck it up with tire tracks. If you call the PSNI you'll probably get the usual level of apathy. 

You can almost sense the shrugs and eye rolls, "we'll send a couple of officers out" .... um but I haven't told you where it is and you haven't asked me what they look like.

Makes you appreciate the teens out looking for Pokemon and not causing trouble.  

If the PSNI do dare to venture into a housing estate they usually like to wait about 3 - 4 hours after the call and quietly under the cover of darkness. So not much use really. 

If you call them about terrorist or criminal activities then expect a couple of police at yer door. Bring them in quickly or they'll start pointing and saying 'is that him there' .... uh yeah I was trying to be discrete about it but thanks. 

Everyone sees everything here and double that if the police are involved cos people here are nosy fuckers. Also PSNI are a rare as legendary Pokemon.

 Stop it or there may be consequences! .... I'm being serious now. 

On the PSNI social media accounts they angrily denounced the teens with a stern warning. the teens decided to ride their scramblers around West Belfast .... show some respect, a woman has just died ffs. Yeah you should wait at least 4 weeks before breaking the law, young people today have no manners.      

I can imagine angry PSNI officers shaking their fists at the young scally wags as they speed by them. Blast you and your bad parents that buy you dirt bikes!!!!! .... hope I didn't come off as sounding too angry there.

The PSNI keep mentioning budget cuts and how they won't be able to do their job .... will we notice? I say we disband our police again but hire them back for less. We sell their guns and tasers on e-Bay or something and just stick to the honour system for crime. 

What fucking use is it having a police service when they are fucken useless pussies? Riots, go crack some skulls, not yer own. Flags, take them down because the criminals that put them up and that build a 30 foot tall fires where ever they please are laughing at you. 

I've had police experience.

Old Knudsen wants a badge and and gun. Give him 20 good men and 72 hours .... or is it 72 men and 20 hours? Yeah some can be weemen if ya want. I know I want.

I won't make friends and the criminals won't like me but at least it wouldn't be them running the streets. 

The English Don't Understand Patriotism

Beryl McNichol a 71 bitter balls has said "it was as if she were living in a communist country" after the Mansfield (England) District Council told her to take doon her proud patriotic flags from her 18ft flagpole she erected on her allotment plot.

An allotment plot is a little communist too, local people who don't have a garden are allocated a plot to grow veggies or flowers on .... no flag poles, rocket launch pads, no meth labs, no cannybis just good old legal marigolds and turnips etc. 

To keep the wogs and other foreigners in their place she also flew a Ukip flag coming up to the elections. Despite being told to remove the flags as they were not a part of the allotment agreement sneaky Beryl flew a 'Lest We Forget' flag on VE day .... she's old, some people tie knots to remember and others fly flags. It's a little like praying in public to one upmanship all the half arsed cunts who aren't as holy or as patriotic as you. Shit that isn't worth doing unless the world sees you doing it.

Like:

I voted, I went to the gym, I helped lil Jill with her homewerk, I went to somewhere swanky, I grew a turnip. 

Ach white people are so insecure, with the public displays, thank fuck for blogs, Twitter and Facebook.  

Beryl proudly served her cuntry, what have you done ? ... well when I say served she was a school dinner lady for 3 years but that still counts, she's seen shit.

She says the flags give you a moment of reflection and how with the Nepalese earthquakes she'd fly it at half mast as that beats actually donating to a charity there. Old Knudsen has said several prayers for the people of Tibet, no don't thank me, it was the least I could do.

No offense Nepal but you don't rate a half mast flag, maybe if Sean Connery died or something, he is as foreign as the Ukipers can stand.

Stoopid English, they know fuck all about how to be proper British.

What you do is not worry about no ghey flag pole, you get yon fleg up on a lamp post or some post with phone lines or power cables then you let it rot because being patriotic isn't about respect, it's about showing others yer better than them and this is yer cuntry.

Dogs pee on things real British patriots put flegs on things an burn shit. 

In Northern Ireland we love our flegs and know all about British culture. Beryl did get the soldier thing right though, we British only like dead soldiers to mourn over, living ones ... not so much as they might not agree with us.

Nothing stirs yer patriotism more than a UVF parade. In the early 20th century the original UVF (bigots not terrorists) were so loyal to the crown that they were going to make loads of dead British soldiers to mourn over if they didn't get their way. The UVF were then sent to fight in WWI that just happened by coincidence to be a slaughter known as the Somme .... I'm sure the English generals didn't mean to get rid of all the Ulster trouble makers who were not very good soldiers by all accounts.

Since then the UVF stick to wearing masks and killing civilians as the military is way too dangerous. Every time someone on the telly suggests bringing back national service in the military a Loyalist shits themselves. 
The tradition of wearing of the fleg in yer under cackers is something stoopid Sassenachs like Beryl wouldn't understand. The underwear isn't padded, they keep a wee bottle of ecstasy pills to sell on route ... it's tradition! 

We cannae speak English very well and the English hate us more than they hate the Welsh and the Scots but we're better at being British than they'll ever be. NO SURRENDER!!!! .... except when it's cold out or when I have a bad back.

East Belfast Racists Again

"What's this, then? Romanes eunt domus? People called Romanes they go the house? write it out correctly 100 times and if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off."

Well done to east Belfast for reminding us that you are not a load of racist cunts by attacking the homes and cars of local Romanian residents who have lived there for a couple of years. I'm sure the children in one of the houses who were watching TV were quite intimidated when a paint bomb came through the window.

The criminal gang known as the UVF are thought to be behind the attacks which doesn't surprise me. That is what happens when you don't address yer gang problems and one of the main reasons why Northern Ireland is a lawless hole full of drug dealing mongs who don't fear the police. 

Get it sorted out or bring back direct rule if you can't.

The Hunger Games, Brought To You By KFC

I have an observation to make, Old Knudsen thinks that Jennifer Lawrence the star of the Hunger game movies has a face that either looks post allergy attack or that she was stung by bees.

Don't get Old Knudsen wrong, if he had a few dozen beers he may very well invite her to the nearest wheelie bin, shes from Kentucky, lets see if she tastes like KFC,  but seriously folks, look at the bake on that.

Old Knudsen was so bored the other night that he finally watched The Hunger Games, lets see what all the fuss is about.
Well done Hunger Games I watched you to the end unlike Twilight which lasted less than 15 minutes.

Didn't mean I liked yon movie. It was a big surprise when her character survived to the end wasn't it?

What a silly idea for a film, go watch The Running Man or Logan's Run they did it far better. Ach it's a movie aimed at teens as they have the power to make their parents spend money. Aye lets market a movie about young people savagely killing each other, we'll have a moral message to balance it out and to get it through of course.

I still remember when Terminator Salvation came out and you'd see loads of Terminator like toys in the toy aisles. Killer cyborgs are for the whole family now, in 1984 The Terminator was rated 18.

Such a slippery slope.

Kids like guns, well done to Kony, yer child soldier ideas were ahead of the times. In a few years child soldiers will be the norm, hey even Lego has gotten violent with superheroes and ninjas. Teach them young.

Just be careful what pictures you put on TV or up on walls as children emulate what they see everyday.

What message are you sending out to the children?

White Trash Fleggers

 The look on the face of the guy seen between the Spide's legs.

Former UVF leader and now Progressive Unionist Party (PUP) leader Billy Hutchinson has stated that, "Treating loyalists like white trash is not going to work."

Yeah lets appeal to their intellectual nature. You are what you are and you get treated the way you treat others you white trash trailer park crackers.

Flip Flops And Death Threats

Remember that time I took a flip flop covered in anthrax for our beloved president Bush? I got the medal of honor, valor and freedom, only two other people have ever gotten that medal, actor Audie Murphy and L.A. cop Martin Riggs. I also got a year's subscription to 'ladies of Homeland Security' which I only read for the articles.

The how to get various stains out of Micro Suede article was very helpful. 

I didn't have time to think when that flip flop came flying at the president my training just kicked in ..... I'm just glad they didn't use crocs or I wouldn't be here today. 

So yer man Bob Geldof the lead singer for the bum town cats, multimillionaire with his own media company and real estate assets and total fucking astronaut ..... well right now hes just a space cadet as he hasn't had his flight up to space yet, has asked me to guard his skinny pasty white boney body. 

In most of the world to 'do' someone is to shag them, for example 'I'd totally do her over a wheelie bin I don't care if it's raining and my cock is dipping green puss' In Northern Ireland it means to kill or at least fuck up some one which isn't sexual either despite the name.... ach sex/violence they usually both hurt and end in crying so whatever. 

  

Sir Bob said that terrorism was cowardly and didn't think much of our very important flag issue. "It can’t be about something as preposterous as a flag. To nail your identity to a piece of cloth that has three colours or four colours. Do us a favour. It gets tiresome."


He says that a bomber who blew himself up can't be compare to an ordinary person in the street as hes a selfish fanatical prick and ha ha hes dead, thats fucking karma right there .... I paraphrased that bit.
He did say:

"They are slightly emotionally imbalanced clearly if they feel it is alright to kill a child, a man. Why would you possibly do that over something that is not worth the death of a human being. I despise that stuff, Nationalism, terrorism, killing other people. I don’t think you need help in understanding why killing another person for some spurious political end isn’t loathsome, cowardly ultimately."
 

Some Flegger/keyboard warrior put a fatwa onto Sir Bob, "NO ONE CALLS 4 PIECE AN INSALTS THE FLEG ON MY WATCH. YOUR DEAD U FENIAN CUNT YEEEOOOWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   

Oh no, fleggers are really tough an shit, remember yon time they were going to celebrate their culture but called it off because the weather was bad? .... aye like ya need good weather to suck in yer fat gut and saunter around the streets like a tough guy giving dirty looks to everyone. 

Here is a flegger in a rare moment of tenderness as he gets a happy meal for his flegger childer. 

 

Fleggers usually avoid human contact in case they give away their underclass poorly educated status but will grow bold in large numbers. 

Old Knudsen isn't too worried about them, Geldof was right, the flag people are stupid and terrorists are cowards. 
Killing innocent people, even your own people to achieve a united Ireland ..... how did that work out for you? Yer scum and so are the people who mourn you, might as well give the incompetent bombers 72 virgins too cos yer just like yon Islamists.  
Those who riot against the police and destroy Northern Ireland's economy over flegs and the imaginary attacks on their culture are scum, pawns of asswipe drug dealing paramilitaries and others who want to make a name in politics. 

I hate to do it but I agree with Geldof. Then again Geldof told the Arabs to stop having children which is funny and something else Old Knudsen can agree with. 

  

No seriously ya cheeky Arabs, stop breeding.

Geldof was at the Gulf Intelligence Food Security Forum held in the United Arab Emirates and told them to stop their dirty fucking around ...... not in those words and it wasn't just aimed at the Arabs. Maybe he should look to his native Ireland for bringing about some birth control. 

The world's population is growing too fast and by 2050 it will be at 10 billion which means we'll have to increase agricultural production by 70% and the water available has dropped 75% since 1950 and what will golf courses do then, play on astro turf ? Not to mention the groundskeepers being out of jobs and a decrease in lawn mower sales ..... we're looking at the perfect storm unless you durty buggers keep the snake in the cage.  

Eco factories in Germany making clean white fluffy clouds.

Bob is concerned with the effect of climate change too "This is not a cycle, not just a fluctuation, it's the end."

Even with the billions of pounds, Euros and stones or whatever the Arabs barter with that were invested in green measures to combat climate change such as the fluffy cloud factories Geldof spoke of gloom and doom ... that miserable fucker isn't getting invited to any of my parties. 

The Dalai Lama .... if that is even his real name agreed with Sir Bob and used his non-threatening smile and fortune cookie wisdom to make the point. 

"If we are to live on flags and hatred of the past then all we hunger for is pain, if we are to live on fornicating with each other and raping the earth then all we will hunger for is that which shall kill us, the flower's petals are bound to fall to the ground so why don't you all just fuck up and free Tibet, I used to live like a god for fucks sake."  

 The Fleggers on Facebook responded, "NO ONE FUCKING WELL CALLS 4 TABLET 2 B FREE ON MY WATCH YOUR FUCKIN DEAD DELI LAMA YE FENIAN CUNT YEEEOOOWWW!!!!!!!! 

Loyalists are a fanatical bunch, always ready to exploit a situation in some poorly thought out and violent way. Such as painting over a George Best mural and putting up a tiny mouthed UVF scumbag with a Martin Luther King quote ...... ya know, MLK the guy who was against violence and for peaceful protest, not Loyalist peaceful protest but real peaceful protest.

Here we have Orangeman Nelson McCauseland the Minister for Social Development in the Northern Ireland ..... well that explains why we haven't progressed any. He has put the blood stained brick that struck his pal Nigel Dodds on the head on E-bay as the Orange Order need to raise more funds for their winter offensive against the police and poor Nelson can only skim so much off his budget without getting caught.  

I shall not be accepting the Geldof job as I am still locked in a contract protecting Edwin Poots.