Sex Dolls From Heaven

So this remote village in Indonesia had a gift from God wash up on its shores. Not a volley ball with a bloody hand print of a bottle with a note saying "save me" nor the whiskey cargo of a doomed ship.  No, what washed up wasn't human but it looked human so being God botherers they all decided it was an Angel of of Lard!

Meanwhile a thousand miles away on Wannahockaloogie island Philip D Dick was searching for his wife Wanda. He had a falling out with her after refusing to make him a sandwich, he got rough and his dog Whippy jumped to his defense and bit her. She farted and flew out of his hut and into a storm. 

He sulked sandwich-less for most of the night but in the morning he realised that he didn't live on the Sandwich Islands and that maybe he was in the wrong. His brother told him that he should go and search for her and berated his foolishness.  Even though his brother had been dead for the past 12 years the recluse searched the island but could not find her anywhere.

He was heart broken which was not helped by his smug brother that said he knew she'd leave him eventually.

Meanwhile in Sulawesi, Wanda had been dried off and given clothes and an ornate garden chair. She sat and granted wishes .... mostly to lonely young men. She was found just weeks after a solar eclipse and that is prime time for finding angels as everyone knows.

Yes, this doll is sexy. 

The local police chief Heru Pramukarno was called in after the media got a hold of this story and took the angel into a room alone furnished with just a mattress for 25 minutes for questioning.

He must have pumped her good for information because in a shocking revelation she turned out to be a sex doll ...... I did not see that cumming.

(This does in no way diminish the existence of Angels as proof is for the weak) 

 Is that her? ... no it's just turtle ... a sexy turtle, helllooo baby.

Wanda is now serving 10 years in prison for fraud as it is illegal in Indonesia to pose as an angel. Dick probably thought his Wanda been eaten by the fishes as he roamed his island with Whippy and Jeff his tamed Unicorn.  

I'm not saying the people of Indonesia are stupid slack jawed fuckers unintelligent. Maybe it was their propensity to believe shit about naked white people eating forbidden fruit that made them jump to the angel conclusion.   

When the Cabbage patch dolls first came out the people of Ballymena thought they were Leprechauns out to steal their cocaine and sheep so it's an easy mistake to make. 

We and when I say we I mean fuckwits put too much value on people shaped objects. This Hitler sculpture was sold for $17. 2 million (£3.20p in British money) and the mouth doesn't even open .... or does it? I would skull fuck a Hitler doll for the Jews, does that make me a hero? Yeah probably. 

  Ya it ist just like your Ma!

The people of  Sulawesi don't have the Internet and so don't know what a harsh mocking they are receiving from me. They also don't know that an angel doesn't have perky tits and a couple of well designed holes to stick yer dick into. 

Haven't they seen Dogma?  Hasn't everyone in the werld seen that movie and if not then why not? Why would God make Angel junk? Isn't that what Lucifer got pissed off about? ... uh God why do I have to pee and poo through my mouth when those hairless apes get junk?  Reed yer Bible, it's all in there.

If they thought it was a Muse then yeah, I could see that but an Angel? Do they lick bars of lead in Indonesia? 'Hey I'm a Indianezer and I lick lead bars to get iron supplements to stay healthy.'

 

In other news they found Kim Kardashian washed up on a beach and thought she was a sex doll. I was the glassy lifeless expression and rubber like skin no doubt.

   

Armageddon Can Be Fun If You Know How

The end of the world isn't going to be a fun adventure that the movies have promised us it will be. You don't get to drive around a large empty city that doesn't have piles of bodies all over the road as you loot the cool shops and talk to mannequins. The only danger won't be having a snooze and waking up near dusk when the zombies come out.

Jenny from around the block.

Screw all that driving about like Coolio I'd be shagging my Realdoll Jenny who wouldn't nag Old Knudsen about the bottle he keeps beside the bed to pee into or how he uses the curtains like Kleenex or the lack of coaster under his bag of glue.

Too ugly to be my real baby.

Jenny would probably have a baby and while we're celebrating our new arrival I'd notice the 'Made in China' mark on little Tarquin's back then I'd confront Jenny who would confess about visiting the night zombies doon China town and I'd leave in a huff disgusted at this betrayal.

What's good for the goose is good for the goat as we used to say in my home toon of Killamory. No, of course they are not under-aged, all of them would be at least a year old, I'm no pervert, not even at the end of the werld when the fear of punishment and prison rape no longer applies.  

Old Knudsen would have to be careful to not go insane as weaker minds may do being alone for so long. I'd have me audience of invisible time travelers anyways. Have I told you how they travel back in time to watch the greats of history? They used to be called a 'Greek chorus' but I call them the bloody time tourists that no one can see ..... but I know they are there, my animal guide the coyote told me so. 

It would take more than isolation to break Old Knudsen, his mind is strong, like rebar. It may be rusty but if you cut open an apple it will go rusty too but it's still sweet and delicious .... well that thought got away from me a little. 

I watched yon movie Z for Zachariah. It didn't have zombies but was an end of the werld love triangle. Fucking boring! It is from a book set in Iceland and I remember watching the BBC play for today in 1984. If things were on after 9pm on the BBC you may get the glimpse of the odd female boob and hear a swear word as it was a different world than the constant tits and swearing of today. 

Anthony Andrews was the lead 'John Loomis' and there was no triangle, just him and a farm girl. It starts with Loomis washing in a waterfall that is radiative. In the re-make Chiwetel Ejiofor is Loomis and he also washes in it but the BBC showed cock, the 2015 movie had troosers on. The girl nurses Loomis and in the BBC play Loomis gets worse and gets crazy with his hair falling out and in the remake he is sick for a while and gets better .... what the fuck? He gets better from extreme radiation exposure and always looks good. 

It was stoopid, don't watch it. The last person you want to end up with is a young farm girl with no world experience who is a god botherer. Thank you for saving us oh Lord ... sure you let everyone else die but who are we to question you and your mysterious ways? Lol at all the dead children.... Amen. I'd rather have me dolls to converse with. 

Good for chopping.    

Then there was Maggie ... a disease is killing everyone and the infected have to be taken into quarantine to die because they turn into zombies that want to eat yer flesh. Arnie's daughter (Abigail Breslin all nicely growed up) is infected. It takes weeks to turn into a zombie so farmer Arnie pulled some strings and got her home to let her die with family and to say goodbye etc. 

The worse thing about zombie movies is the long dragged out turning bit. The Walking Dead has is with a lot of blubbering and of course there is someone that hasn't killed before that wants to kill them because they are family .... I understand wanting to kill yer own. If Old Knudsen's siblings got a cold at the end of the werld I'd want to kill them .... aye but it wouldn't be fast. 

Weeks of oh no, Maggie is dying, wah wah wah .... what if she turns at an inconvenient moment or accidentally infects someone else? .... the infected seem to be allowed to do whatever they want as long as they don't behave like a zombie. Arnie lets his daughter go out with her friends on an all nighter. 

Look deep and thoughtful Arnie ... think about yer lunch or something.

Arnie seemed to walk around a lot and now and again would kill the odd zombie. It was like watching Clint Eastwood, one note actors that frown and look glum while everyone around them acts their little hearts out.  

I didn't watch the end of it because film makers are really harshing my mellow. The Road was a depressing enough movie to get over without this shite. 

      Movies need more of this. 

I want zombies, but hot zombies used as sex slaves, I want to not see those morals forced on us by society but new morals to do with the law of survival. I want looting and the hoarding of canned goods, lots of drinking but no ... wah wah everyone is dead. 98% of people are cunts so yay, everyone is dead!

What would a guy all alone do at the end of the werld? Probably what he does now. Blokes stick their dicks into pumpkins for fucks sake, a bloke was arrested at the Smithsonian for fucking a mummy, it was a male mummy, I wonder if he knew that. 

Bad enough being known as the guy that fucking a 3000 year old corpse but to be ghey too. Stuff you never see on the Night at the Museum movies. Not enough fucking going on at the end of the werld in movies.     

The werld will not go out with a banged sex doll but with a wimper cos you used up all the Viagra. 

North Korea testing missiles and not talking to South Korea, the Americans goading the Russians and the Chinese on their borders, the Turks openly bombing the Kurds as well as the Syrians and the Saudis talking about putting boots on the ground in Syria. The last one will take the proxy war the west has been fighting with Assad and will turn it into another invasion but with allies that all have nukes. 

The preppers won't have a clue it's kicked off until things go boom ... not big with the up to date news on foreign affairs, too busy worrying about FEMA.   

If Obama makes Assad the next Saddam, Osama or Gaddafi that we must defeat (because he's bad) then WWIII will be here in no time. Hillary will continue as a war president sneaking around manipulating world events as Obama has been doing but hey, at least she isn't a socialist, they eat babies.        

The end times will be depressing with a lot of blood being coughed up, no need to make depressing movies like that though.  

    

Close Enough For Government Work

 

Queen Nefertiti ruled Egypt alongside her husband Akhenaten in the 14th century BC, her beauty is legendary in fact her name translates as "a beautiful woman has arrived." Old Knudsen was once married to a Sharon which translates as "oh fuck her she comes." to commemorate Nefertiti's beauty and to show what modern day weemen could do if they put the effort in a statue was put up at the  entrance of the city of Samalut.

Sharon also inspired artists to capture her likeness. 

The real sexy Nefertiti sits in a German museum all safe from the sandsavages who would probably destroy her. We need to take all the cool stuff from the ancient world just in case Daesh want to behead any statues. 

Some hilarious Egyptians have suggested that the new statue was what she looked like 4 days after dying. I'd love to see the artist as they go, 'yeah, fucking nailed it' then again art is a representation of what is inside .... ah fuck it, it's terrible.   

Nefertiti was a babe and now she's gone all Grace Jones mixed with Rachael Dolzeal.  

Remember when some old biddy wanted to make Jesus look better? I think we've lost our natural abilities to be artistic . Luckily we have computers to do all that now.

Jesus won't eat his cereal.

Then there was this Frozen cake. The Internet, goaded by a news outlet harshly mocked this cake. Then when that news outlet had all the facts and did another story that turns out that it was a charitable donation to an ill girl and the cake maker's Ma had died during the making of it ... wha wha wha it's the kiss of death cake full of sorrow, regret and sugar.  I wouldn't feed that to an ill child, all that bad mojo inside it.  

Yes the cake maker was black and probably thought Elsa looked too weird and that her features weren't strong enough .... I bet the cake maker's Ma looks like that. Now the Internet feels bad for having mocked the cake, even if it is shite. 

The more I look at the cake the more I want to nibble on those shoulders. 

 Happy first bleed, now get on like a cunt as you bleed from yers hooray!

Which leads Old Knudsen's mind astray. I pictured in my head a sex doll made out of cake, aye to bang away at it and then eat that creamy filling .... surely it's been done before. 

Plenty of baby cakes though.  

Made by weemen of course, all they think about is babies and doing house werk. 

 An artist made a doll of herself and served it cake????

 

My Internet search on sex dolls was long, hard and anti-climactic. Is it possible to do a search on cake sex dolls and not end up on the Real doll web site with yer cursor hoovering over the add to basket button? 

 

Maybe I'll take up baking but with the mouths open of course. Cumming soon to the shelves of Tesco.  

The Last Man On Earth

The Last Man on Earth is a comedy TV show about a post-apocalyptic America created by and starring Will Forte who you may not know from Saturday Night Live. 

Somehow everyone dies (probably a disease) and he is left all alone in Tucson Arizona ... sounds more depressing than funny so far. He travels all over the US, Canada and even Mexico looking for survivors and writing 'Alive in Tucson' on billboards which is how his fellow survivors find him.

Wiping his mouth on the declaration of Independence.  

Phil Miller as played by Forte is a 40 year-old man child, a guy who was probably waited on hand a foot by his mom and so he has never had to grow up much. He takes over a house and fills it with works of art and historical shit like a tyrannosaurus skull for his table and framed gold records. 
Not being able to make his toilet work because he is the least handiest man ever he cuts a hole in the pool's diving board and invents the toilet pool, he also invented the margarita pool which is a paddling pool filled with genius and some salt along the rim.

He spends the first couple of episodes in his underwear and destroys things in creative ways in a parking lot as seen in Malcolm in the middle and The Simpsons ... yes a steam roller is used. Are they still called steam rollers since they aren't steam power driven? Maybe they are called iRollers now or some such shite. 

A tribute to the movies Cast away and The Omega man or I am legend he talks to balls with faces drawn on them and even to shop mannequins. Just as it gets too much for him he tries to kill himself but then finds Carol as played by Kristen Schaal.

   
A nice person though totally annoying, she insists on obeying the rules of the road such as stopping at stop signs and corrects his grammar at gun point, she then says she'll have sex to re-populate the Earth but only if they are married. Forte's character will shag anyone at this point in his life so he agrees. 

 

As soon as he gets married Melissa (January Jones) turns up and she hates cheaters so Phil has to talk Carol into letting him also re-populate the world with Melissa .... you don't want our kids having sex with each other do you? 

A spanner is thrown into the works when Todd turns up and he is everything Phil isn't .... a nice honest person.   

 The Shawshank Redemption is my favorite movie too, Tom Hanks was great in it. 

I love this show, you can't watch it and compare it to The Walking Dead, that would be stupid, it's a comedy for fucks sake. The streets are empty and there are no dead bodies lying about, now and then you can hear traffic from roads when outside scenes are being done or spot the orange flashing light of a truck in the distance. Why the fuck would you stay in Arizona though? 

Old Knudsen would take a 3 week voyage across the Atlantic and have a compound in Northern Callyfornia and sees nothing wrong with talking to balls and shop dummies.  

Get a real doll and you'll never be lonely again. Human contact is overrated. So many stupid people being so wrong all the time, an opinion and free speech is wasted on most folk. 

Even the ladies can get a doll, if this post doesn't boost Kid Rock sex doll sales then I don't know what will.  

The show is original material which is odd for TV and it's funny which is also odd. Phil is such a creep but you can't wait to see what he does next because when he isn't driven by his selfish needs and juvenile brain farts he tries to be a decent person. 

A couple more weemen have turned up in Tucson so it's getting well crowded, maybe time to move? 

 

The only other show that gets as many giggles as The last man on earth is Brooklyn nine nine, a comedy cop shop set in the fictional 99th precinct of Brooklyn. I've tried watching the police procedural TV show Bosch but it was just depressing and dull, even the less serious Backstrom and Battle Creek were better. 

Old Knudsen is always on the look out for good TV since The Walking Dead, Vikings and numerous other shows take so long to make. Ever since Lost took 2 years to make a season everyone else takes the piss too. 

Now because of the huge breaks waiting on shows and short seasons Old Knudsen has lost a lot of his interest in Game of thrones and Dr Who, sure he'll watch em in case someone gets their tits out but bleh ....