The World Ended, Go Home

They prefer the Four Horse-people of the Apocalypse. 

I know that all the end of times shit is getting old, how many times does the world have to end for fucks sake? When it does end we'll all say, "didn't see that coming" because the world is already gone ...... flatlined, no pulse, bereft of life. 

Who would have thought that the world would end and you still have to get up in the morning to go to work? Maybe this is Hell, did anyone see people getting the rapture? Christians are way too smug to get raptured and probably too bust molesting children or judging others to bother with that shite anyway, which was invented in the 1830's and doesn't have the Bible seal of approval.

A Christian couple from Texas (of course) just didn't bother to educate their 9 kids as they thought the rapture was close, they are still here, would God pick the dumb as fuck ones? If I was God .... I have only played God on TV and in the operating theaters. I would pick interesting hot people like, well give me a minute on that one.     

Nostradamus wrote not about ethnic cleansing but ethnic looting. 

In a state of misery and Louis the saint, black and white shall war, Walls of mart and the lockers of foot shall be no more and the Verizon store shall be heard no more. 

The big G's shall loot for their Merlot in their under cackers as they be too gangsta to wear a belt.  

I had no idea what this meant until I saw that there were riots in St louis county in Missouri (pronounced misery)  because the police shot an unarmed black dude who was robbing a Mini-Mart, what better reason to burn the Mini-Mart to the ground? Some brother got shot, better raid Wal-Mart, burn some shit doon and riot.
I'm telling you, civilisation will never catch on. Now and again it has a reset in which a barbarous people come in and kill all round them. No not the blacks, that's fucking racist, what about the slavery dude? Nah it's the fucking towel heads that will get ya.   

Nostradamus did not see this one cumming. 

Ann Summers is the vendor of sexy Lingerie so I am told. The British government finally got sick of parades, Loyalists and Fenian cock suckers that they put a ban on Northern Ireland people having sex and breeding. 

Police are outside this shop to prevent anyone getting any funny ideas. That won't stop us, just put a brother and sister in the same room and you'll see. A baby was just put up for adoption as the mother now 16 couldn't care for him. 
She was made pregnant when she was 13 by her 15 year-old brother. Not many details of the case have been allowed to be told so I'll fill in the probable blanks, Pentecostal and Ballymena.   

For such an uptight people and place, these lingerie shops stay open but I never see anyone coming or going, very strange. 

The Antrim hospital treating an Ebola victim ... ach you'll be grand, have a cup of tea. 

Edgar Cayce predicted that by 2020 half of the world's population will be dead from a deadly outbreak. Hey he predicted the beginning and ends to both world wars the death of JFK and Gatorade blue. 

Already we've seen Ebola spread through west Africa, within 12 seconds of a person getting infected they are on their feet ripping at the flesh of any healthy people around. In the 80's we were able to contain such diseases with strategic airstrikes deep in the jungle but now everyone has camera phones or will tweet about it. 

Social media will destroy mankind cos no one wants their airstrikes to end up on Twitter. 

Sylvia Browne predicted there would be war in the Middle east shortly before she died in November of 2013, an important personal event that she didn't predict.

War in the Middle east, now we have it .... un-fucking-canny I'm a believer! So this kitten loving cunt Abu Hairy Kebabi or whatever his name was, he left Florida to go and fight in Syria. Imagine his surprise when they told him that because he was so shite at war that he had to blow himself up for Allah.

I bet they were sniggering when they said it. He barely knew a word of sand savage and was probably just yer usual convert to Musliminity, a mouthy death to the great Satan toss bucket.... Hey that Abu guy did it, he actually did it, he drove that truck into that restaurant and it blew up, he definitely killed some people ..... of course he did I pushed the button to explode it myself, wasn't leaving it to that plonker.
When Al Qaeda spends a load of money to train you, and then after all of that puts you into the crack suicide squad then you know you have to be shite.

The world did end but people were too busy looking at their phones to notice. That's why I don't believe movies or TV shows, the heroes are never pulling out their phone every 20 seconds or staring at it as they walk along. We put blinkers or blinders onto horses so they don't get distracted but humans seem to want to be distracted, I really doubt that people are more intelligent than horses, going from experience.



So the world has ended, what do we do now?

Nosy American Twats

Has the US been listening in on Angela Merkel's phone calls? The NSA are alive and busy in Europe allegedly tracking terrorist movements.

It didn't stop B&M Bargains in Belfast getting firebombed by the dissident republican group Óglaigh na hÉireann who objected to the shop employing staff through the government's back to work programme. Shouldn't be too hard to figure out who did this inside job one, 'ok who is pissed off that they have to work for less than a full day's pay?' Fucking cunts! spoiling my shopping experience indeed.

Not the kind of terrorists the NSA track I suppose. I wish we were invaded and bombed by the US as the population needs a purge and some out crossing in the gene pool couldn't hurt, we just need to discover oil here.   

The US has repeated Vietnam a couple of times over so repeating a Watergate like event .... yeah sure. Obama has shown his administration to be more aggressive and insidious with foreign policy than most. George W Bush wishes he was half the Republican Obama is.

Yes nations spy on each other and claim moral outrage when they catch the spies out. Hollowed out rocks, bad fake wigs. It all went doonhill when Old Knudsen had his Double D license revoked. I just hope they don't tap Hilary's phone ...... cos I've tapped that,  Ka- Chow!     

Father's Day Alert

Weemen, be nice to yer men for father's day .... even they are losers who haven't reproduced as you just never just if they have a crusty old sock somewhere with a new form of life on it.
Fathers cum in all shapes and sizes, some are good dads while others read my blog and have phone sex with yer Ma. 

Phone Sex

The reply to this might be: "Oh hi Lynn was it Jeff you wanted?"

What she might say next: "Thankyou for calling the suicide hotline please have a good night."

Who she might be phoning: Her parents, "Hello love I'll just get yer mother for you."

I never phone my parents anymore, a right pair of boring cunts they are, since my Da retired from his job at the old factory making perfume he has started to answer the phone at home. I'd call, he'd answer and there would be an awkward silence and I'd have to ask to speak to me Ma. You don't talk to the monkey, ya talk to the organ grinder. She'd usually tell him to say she was out, I'd hear her shouting in from the kitchen. I'd sometimes pretend to be my brother Lars but now they are wise to that and have security questions .

I shall admit to having had phone sex once, it did amuse me no end to see people putting the receiver of the pay phone up to their faces after I had used it.

You Get What You Pay For.

I'm in love with Salma Hayek but she never returns my e-mails, nothing to do with the post I'm just proud to be a Hornivore.

Along with several Bloggers I also thought that Ernest Borgnine was dead. I found out not only is he not dead but he turns 90 today. Happy birthday, I will put you on my watch list for obituaries.


Fuck hes ugly, which is why I didn't put him at the top of the post.


The latest news in the world of competitive dying.

Julie Winnefred Bertrand, the oldest living woman in the world and oldest living Canadian, died on January 18. The 115-year-old from Quebec held the Guinness World Record as oldest living woman for just a few weeks, the pressure was just too much for her and she has been referred to by her rivals as "a flash in the bed pan".
The new title holder, Emma Tillman, born November 22, 1892 in Gibsonville, North Carolina, was one of 23 children born to emancipated slaves. Tillman had a moment of exuberance and lost the professionalism and dignity expected of someone of her position, much like when Nancy Pelosi was made speaker of the House of representatives and shouted about being the most powerful woman in America (Oprah sent her an e-mail saying I'll slap you down bitch) Tillman punched the air and shouted " in yer face whitey, who has the power now?" and did some body popping or whatever it is that they do.

Damn its hotting up, with so much at stake anything can happen, I will keep you up to date at least a week after its all over.

I was in a shop yesterday and the guy had the radio playing behind the counter, I recognised the tune but never new who sung it then I heard the lyrics.

Close yer eyes, love isn't always on time, oh oh oh .

I listened to make sure of it thinking I'll mention this song on me Blog. I am the worst for mishearing lyrics, my previous post with Don't cry for me Argentina (insert link to post here if I could be arsed) proves it. I did a search for the song and it turned out to be sung by Toto who had two over played songs that were hits in the 80's, the actual words are.

Hold the line, love isn't always on time, oh oh oh

There was me thinking it was about unpredictable money shots but no, it was about phone sex of something.

"Hello Kieran my names Angel, I'm 22 and hot for academic types, what am I wearing? oh you naughty boy you just made my nipples pop up like corks, all I'm wearing is a G-string and baby oil made from freshly crushed babies and I'm rubbing it into my melon like boobies, Kieran? are you still there pet? oh you're done already? if you would like to talk to me again just request Angel".

To make a point for all those men out there with small willies, no names mentioned but they do have Blogs in my links. Size doesn't matter as weemen are doing more phone sex these days and the phones are getting smaller, I don't know what the attraction is with putting a phone up yer vadge unless it had vibrate or something but I never use someone elses phone, you just never know where they have had it.
Some dirty fuckers talk on the phone while sitting having a crap, ok I Blog while I'm having a Blog but that's different, you don't hear me grunting nor do you hear any splashes, maybe from now on I'll do a little ::::grunts::::: just to let you know what I'm up to:::pinches off::: just to give you a taste of my life, press Ctrl/Alt/Backspace/Enter to smell my life:::::splash::::::

Fecal matter flying about yer bathroom because you don't flush with the lid doon then you put yer phone to yer mouth and inhale yer own shit all day, go on use someone elses phone, if you're lucky its just been up some vadge.

I don't like to be pigeonholed or put into a jar, fuck off you grown up cunts, can ya spare a fag mate?

That's me off my subject ya bastards, I hope yer happy, well actually I don't, why should you get to be happy ? I didn't see you at the Alamo or Dunkirk, those Texans and British put up a hell of a fight, no thanks to you we got lucky.

Mondegreens, that's the name for misheard song lyrics. Another one I've been mis-singing for years is Neil Diamond's 'Forever in blue jeans', I would be going around belting out the words that I thought I knew and mumbling the rest, I'd give it some welly alright and I'd cap off the verses with 'Reverend Bluejeans hey!' well I thought it was about a trendy vicar that tries to be hip and cool by wearing jeans.

Remember what day tomorrow is folks, it maybe a ghey day but I'll be going around collecting tribute.