RIP Robert Mugabe

 

 Dead at the age of 90 something

There is a market for those that can predict the future. I don't mean stocks and shares but rather world events.
Bulgarian prophet Baba Vanga who died 20 years ago predicted 9/11, the rise of the Islamic State and the end of Europe by 2016 with no life just an empty wasteland so she was pretty spot on. 

Yeah her predictions only appeared after she had died and her ones for 3797 with the destruction of the Earth and humans living in space will probably be as true as our flying cars for the year 2000.

She did say that Obama would be the last President ... she did not say that what would replace him would be a sex offender reality TV star though.  How could anyone have seen that?

 Certainly not a President

Predicting world events isn't about having visions or cutting open goats to examine their intestines. It can be in the genes though. Some people just see the bigger picture and can know how things will play out. There is no such thing as certainty because there will always be some variables with so many forces at play.   

Some people are super-recognisers and can remember a face from years ago that they only saw once, others can be super-tasters with an enhanced perception of flavour. Others can be super-memorisers who can recall most days of their lives. Then there are the super-douchebags which can be found in droves on Twitter.

Experience and learning can play a part but many so-called political experts do poorly at predicting world events. It's like using your intuition I suppose, if you think too much you'll get a false reading. 

 Old Knudsen used his special abilities to impregnate goats with the power of his mind.

Military intelligence agencies would love to harness this gift and have done loads of research into psychic abilities including remote viewing and mind fucking farm animals. One time Old Knudsen was ordered to locate a Soviet diplomat by using remote viewing. I would have found him if those ladies in yon nearby college hadn't decided to take showers and experiment with their blossoming sexuality at that exact time.  

 A man can only be so strong ya know

World events can be tricky though because the things you'd like to happen usually don't but you don't want to say that or you'd jinx them ... jinxing isn't a real thing so wise up. I wanted Bernie Sanders to win the election but that was never going to happen. I wanted Brexit to fail as I don't support Putin's plans for destroying Europe but that didn't happen either. Will Jeremy Corbyn win the UK election? 

Only if May has a brain fart and decides to debate him while killing dalmatian puppies on live TV.

Apostle Ithiel Firebrand Muzenda from the Glory hole Embassy Worldwide has said he received a holy message that if Robert Mugabe and his wife Grace don't repent they'll be shot like Nicolae Ceaușescu and his wife were in 1989. 

The millions of Zimbabweans who fled Mugabe's reign will return bringing the glory of the Lord to the nation yadda yadda yadda. 

Oh how things change. Mugabe was Nelson Mandela long before he was him. He was an intellectual and a darling of Western Liberals. Ian Smith the Prime Minister of Rhodesia as Zimbabwe was known then was the hated racist but fact was that the poorest black under his rule was way better off than those under Mugabe. 

Things changed and now the Mugabes live in luxury while many starve and it is thought he has killed up to 200,000 people for political gain. 

I predict that in the next 3 years (possibly sooner) Mugabe will die. He's 93 yet doesn't look like he's slowing down any. His wife Grace who isn't that bright will be left to the mob, she'll probably flee unless caught and killed. She has been becoming more political over the last few years but she isn't leadership material, she prefers to go shopping which earned the First Lady the nickname the First Shopper. 

The Mugabes often think about Gaddafi and Saddam Hussein, they don't want to end up being sodomized with a bayonet or hanged. This is Putin's biggest fear too. The dictators always end up fearing their own people the most. 

 Chillin out with his tunes

The military will try to take control and there will be lots of violence until a strong leader is found who has support of big men with big machetes.    

If you look through Mugabe's life you'll see him posing with Gaddafi, Mandela, Fidel Castro, Margaret Thatcher and of course many times with the Queen. He's seen them all. 

Now anything goes wrong and he blames Britain, the BBC aren't even allowed to report there and both he and his wife have EU travel bans. 

It must be scary for his wife and grown children because when he goes anything goes. Having it all and then to risk losing it all. The assholes deserve it of course.  

Why am I talking about Mugabe? Because he has popped up a couple of times when I have been looking online .... no he's not private messaging me, that cunt stopped talking to Old Knudsen after a failed 2007 coup which I had nothing to do with ... honestly. 

Mugabe up for re-election in 2018 but since he tends to kill off any serious opposition he stands a good chance of winning. Grace might try to be the next leader but no, the Mugabes will soon have their day and it will be rough at first but then good for Zimbabwe.

 

Baba Venga Speaks Again

Baba Venga the Bulgarian psychic is on Old Knudsen's speed dial for a booty call but the other day it was she that reached out into the ether and contacted me ... via a mysterious e-mail. Yes she did die in 1996 but that has never interfered with our relationship.

She keeps me up to date with any predictions she has. If you remember she predicted 9/11 ... what do you mean no one was paying attention in 1989 to confirm this? She also has predicted Peter Capaldi would be the Twelfth Doctor and the unknown one wouldn't be known as the Doctor and that Putin would suffer from erectile dysfunction, there would be serious drought and also flooding, some smoking chimneys would blow out um, smoke and the hoor of Babylon would arise and display her greasy arse and her image would be worshiped around the werld by millions.

She has also predicted that Obama will be the last US president so don't bother trying to figure out who'll win Hilary of course  next year.

In 2010 World War III would start and would end by 2014. By 2011 there would be no animals or vegetation in the northern hemisphere and Europe would be almost empty. Uncanny huh?

I can feel you rolling yer eyes, if psychics were real they'd win the lottery or would take James Randi up on his million dollar challenge   to prove supernatural abilities that has been on offer since 1964. Baba Venga would have bought new eyes and John Edward wouldn't need a TV and books.

Nothing is exact and while one psychic said the spirits are never wrong as he demanded that a woman did have a family member kill themselves in the hoose she lived in (it was a rental) they often do make shit up.
Psychics also get confused because they may have visions of movies, did Baba Venga see glimpses of 28 days later or maybe Stonehenge Apocalypse that was out in 2010?  Was her prediction of giant robots that transformed into cars and trucks as a disguise really just a vision of some movie we haven't heard of? ... Old Knudsen has spent years guarding himself against robots in disguise just in case. 

Many of Venga's predictions are way in the future but 200 years from now when we contact aliens I'll make sure to remind you that Baba predicted it. In 5079 the world will end but I'll have a post already written and in the 'scheduled posts' section ready to publish when that happens just to say I told you so.

Here is her latest prediction and of course she did get the royal babies' name correct and the next one too.

   Prince George in the future. 

In the not too distant future, royals and celebs will be offered sponsorship deals if the parents name their children after a company. The next royal baby will be named Hyundai. It will be common place to not only sell yer wedding pictures to Hello magazine but also a video of the wedding night. The names Sky, Verizon and Facebook will become popular baby names and considering Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have already named their kid Apple I don't doubt this prophecy. 

Baby teeth will be sold at auction and if you haven't tweeted about yer child's first steps then they might as well not have happened. People who are not on Tweeter will be shunned by society, perhaps death camps for those fuckers and there will be mass suicides if they miss getting their user name before the trolls get them.  

You will need to have personal references from professional people and pillars of the community and 3 forms of ID and a blood sample if you want to open a new Facebook account, of course Facebook will sell yer information as well as yer DNA. 

 

Following the success of the Richard III funeral, other famous historical people will be dug up to be re-buried with the proper sponsorship deals of course. Soon present day dying people will get in on it too. "This funeral was bought to you by Chevy .... like a rock." ..... "Cremation sponsored by Skittles .... taste the rainbow"

Anna Nicole Smith will be reburied 3 times in total and Kim Kardashian will sign up for a reality show and an early death worth millions .... there maybe repeats of the funeral too.  

CarMax will lose to Allstate to become US president in 2040 ... "You're in Good Hands with Allstate."

Her e-mail ended with the usual war in the Middle east, maybe the Balkans and the Russian clone army crap, yeah tell us something we don't know.    

It's comforting to know that the world has no shocks or surprises for us in the future that we aren't prepared for. This post was brought to you by e-lax, sit back and let the good times flow.  

 

  

The End Is Nigh

Aye it'll fall off while it's in yer ass.

Old Knudsen takes the end times very seriously which is why he asks his psychic fuck buddy from Bulgaria, Baba Vanga what the score is. 

She has predicted that the last president of the US will be black, red money will replace green money, the dragon will put it's paw onto the world and that a blonde woman will help Bulgaria escape the end times crisis. 

 

Some of these prophecies were made in the 90's, disbelieve them at yer peril. The last black president, who can it be? 

Well Obama is only half black so it can't be him. It must be Morgan Freeman, his inspiring memes on Facebook has moved millions .... and he's in everything, worse than Michael Caine he is. I'd vote for him, then again I'd vote Gary Busey for preez just for the lolz. 

Red money taking over from green????? American money is green, so this could mean that maybe money from communist states take over, the Chinese do have a 100 yuan note. China and Australia want to use the yuan instead of the dollar in trading which is a huge blow for the US with it's limp as fuck currency .... Nah lets go deeper. 

Oil is bought using the dollar, it's at $101 dollars a barrel, that price was driven up thanks to all the Bush made wars and so the red money could be blood money.  When the sand savages stop trading oil in dollars then you can really panic.

The dragon putting it's paw onto the world is an obvious reference to Game of thrones, Baba probably watches .... er listens to it, I mean who doesn't? 

I refuse to watch it because it isn't the exact same as the books and I'm a cunt.

If you don't watch Game of thrones or GOT as we coolios call it then go slap yerself. Just remember folks, I liked midget porn long before it went mainstream .... shit, now I'm a midget porn hipster. Ok then Baba, what has the mother of dragons got in store for us? will she get her dragon eggs out for the lads again?

Quality TV, aye sure it has plots, lines, swords an shit but I only watch it for the midget porn and the barbarian rape. 

What blonde woman could Baba mean when she says a blonde woman will help Bulgaria?  Could she mean Angela Merkel the Chancellor of Germany ? Another reference to the Khaleesi? or maybe it's president Hilary Clinton?

Does the rug have to match the drapes? 

Why would someone help Bulgaria? sure it's an EU cuntry but who cares? Bulgaria is looking at a deal to build it's own nuclear power station in order to reduce it's reliance on Russia. 

That's a bit of a slap for Russia who operates 2 nuclear power stations giving Bulgaria it's electricity. 

The Czech Republic, Finland, Hungary and Slovakia, are all 100 % dependent on Russian nuclear fuel. Bulgaria isn't cutting all ties with Russia as it still gets most of it's oil from Russia so they can still call the shots. 

Maybe Russia will impose sanctions to match EU sanctions that went into place for shooting yon airliner doon.  

Baba foresaw the death of Fast and Furious star Paul Walker and if Orlando Bloom wasn't such a pussy he would have slapped that scrawny little canuck doon. Imagine being known for being a dick rather than for his music. 

She also saw Stalin's death date,  The Chernobyl disaster, David Hasslehoff destroying the Soviet Union single handed, Israel getting more space to park their big American cars and you reading this post, she said you've have trouble getting past that Game of thrones GIF but after the application of some lotion and Kleenex you would be victorious ... sorry for the anti-climax.