Baba Venga Speaks Again

Baba Venga the Bulgarian psychic is on Old Knudsen's speed dial for a booty call but the other day it was she that reached out into the ether and contacted me ... via a mysterious e-mail. Yes she did die in 1996 but that has never interfered with our relationship.

She keeps me up to date with any predictions she has. If you remember she predicted 9/11 ... what do you mean no one was paying attention in 1989 to confirm this? She also has predicted Peter Capaldi would be the Twelfth Doctor and the unknown one wouldn't be known as the Doctor and that Putin would suffer from erectile dysfunction, there would be serious drought and also flooding, some smoking chimneys would blow out um, smoke and the hoor of Babylon would arise and display her greasy arse and her image would be worshiped around the werld by millions.

She has also predicted that Obama will be the last US president so don't bother trying to figure out who'll win Hilary of course  next year.

In 2010 World War III would start and would end by 2014. By 2011 there would be no animals or vegetation in the northern hemisphere and Europe would be almost empty. Uncanny huh?

I can feel you rolling yer eyes, if psychics were real they'd win the lottery or would take James Randi up on his million dollar challenge   to prove supernatural abilities that has been on offer since 1964. Baba Venga would have bought new eyes and John Edward wouldn't need a TV and books.

Nothing is exact and while one psychic said the spirits are never wrong as he demanded that a woman did have a family member kill themselves in the hoose she lived in (it was a rental) they often do make shit up.
Psychics also get confused because they may have visions of movies, did Baba Venga see glimpses of 28 days later or maybe Stonehenge Apocalypse that was out in 2010?  Was her prediction of giant robots that transformed into cars and trucks as a disguise really just a vision of some movie we haven't heard of? ... Old Knudsen has spent years guarding himself against robots in disguise just in case. 

Many of Venga's predictions are way in the future but 200 years from now when we contact aliens I'll make sure to remind you that Baba predicted it. In 5079 the world will end but I'll have a post already written and in the 'scheduled posts' section ready to publish when that happens just to say I told you so.

Here is her latest prediction and of course she did get the royal babies' name correct and the next one too.

   Prince George in the future. 

In the not too distant future, royals and celebs will be offered sponsorship deals if the parents name their children after a company. The next royal baby will be named Hyundai. It will be common place to not only sell yer wedding pictures to Hello magazine but also a video of the wedding night. The names Sky, Verizon and Facebook will become popular baby names and considering Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have already named their kid Apple I don't doubt this prophecy. 

Baby teeth will be sold at auction and if you haven't tweeted about yer child's first steps then they might as well not have happened. People who are not on Tweeter will be shunned by society, perhaps death camps for those fuckers and there will be mass suicides if they miss getting their user name before the trolls get them.  

You will need to have personal references from professional people and pillars of the community and 3 forms of ID and a blood sample if you want to open a new Facebook account, of course Facebook will sell yer information as well as yer DNA. 

 

Following the success of the Richard III funeral, other famous historical people will be dug up to be re-buried with the proper sponsorship deals of course. Soon present day dying people will get in on it too. "This funeral was bought to you by Chevy .... like a rock." ..... "Cremation sponsored by Skittles .... taste the rainbow"

Anna Nicole Smith will be reburied 3 times in total and Kim Kardashian will sign up for a reality show and an early death worth millions .... there maybe repeats of the funeral too.  

CarMax will lose to Allstate to become US president in 2040 ... "You're in Good Hands with Allstate."

Her e-mail ended with the usual war in the Middle east, maybe the Balkans and the Russian clone army crap, yeah tell us something we don't know.    

It's comforting to know that the world has no shocks or surprises for us in the future that we aren't prepared for. This post was brought to you by e-lax, sit back and let the good times flow.  

 

  

The Royal Birth Was Faked

Will and kate leaving the hospital on Saturday.

Yes the rumours are real, Kate Middleton did not give birth 12 hours before leaving the hospital. The baby in the shawl was a fake and the real princess Britney April Charlotte is at Kensington palace with a wet nurse. She actually gave birth at the end of last month, she chose a natural birth on the stone of scone surrounded by members of the Blood coven whose high priest can trace his linage all the way back to Jesus, he blessed the child with jackal blood then branded her with the mark of Satan, the secret natural birth is the way the royal family have done it for centuries. 

Clint Eastwood also assumed we were idiots too, in fact it looks like the same baby. Known as crisis babies which are used to fool the public.   

The facts: 

1) Kate looked too good.

2) She did not limp after pushing out an 8LBS 3 oz sprog. 

3) The babies' royal wave looked fake and mechanized.

4) The baby bounced twice when she dropped it, real babies only bounce once.

The reasons for deception: 

The Conservatives will probably win the election this week, to implement yet more austerity cuts they have used the royal birth as leverage. If Kate can get back to work after 12 hours of giving birth then what is your excuse? 

The Conservatives make these cuts not because they work (they don't) but for sexual arousal. You can see maternity leave being reduced to 12 hours and why don't you look that good too? 

Prince Charles played polo during the birth of his sons and during some funerals too, do men really need leave or are they just being wusses? 

After the Conservatives win the election and David Cameron laughs at how you fell for all his promises he'll launch a campaign telling weemen to make more of an effort with their appearance as if promotes good health and vigor as demonstrated by perfect English rose Kate Middleton. 

William and Kate were unable to comment as they were on a hiking excursion in the highlands of Scotland. 

A spokesperson for Downing street said, "W e should all .... especially women, follow the great example set out by William and Kate, I'm following William's example of only working 47 days in a year so I'm of on my hols next week, laters."  

The Queen Visits Her New Grandchild

 

The Queen visited her new grand daughter Princess Jemelica before she jetted off to
Tenerife on holiday. When asked what she thought of the new arrival the Queen said, "One has seen better." 

At Last! The Royal Baby

The royal baby has finally arrived. At 7lbs 3oz  it was disappointingly a gurl. Not to worry, little Clint will go through a procedure known as gender reassignment, this is not the first time for the royal family as her great uncle Prince Edward was also born a female.

Clint , Edward , Trayvon, Colin,  Mandela Windsor has unexpectedly said her/his first words, "Burn in hell you hoor" while her/his head spun around. Old Knudsen's head didn't start spinning around until he was 8 months old so we have a child prodigy here.

Mother is said to be doing well, the baby clawed her/his own way out and so an episiotomy was not necessary. Gog bless beautiful but dim Kate and all who have sailed up her.



 

Kate Middleton's Baby

Another exclusive picture of the new royal baby. No, this is not just an attempt to mess with search engines as a desperate cry for attention .... it's because I care.  Now stop Googling stupid shit and go read the news. 

Kate Middleton Gives Birth And Then Gets Her Tits Out

We are a simple people and do not expect too much from the future Queen of England. The royal baby boy will be named Nelson Mandela Harley Yoda Windsor.  Her Kate-ness will be given a 2 week rest period and then William will be back on top to make some more.

I would however request that she get a boob job to avoid anymore future disappointment as Old Knudsen is still being treated for depression thanks to her saggy norks.

It's A Boy!

The hopes of a nation weighed doon on the shoulders of Kate Middleton with the collective voice of 'don't fuck it up' and she delivered like a pro.

A bouncing 7lbs 4oz baby boy. The couple have already picked out a suitable name for the wee royal fucker.
As they have both recently converted to Islam the child shall be named Mohamed, his full name shall be Mohamed Satsuma Bonfire Charlton Edward Soren Windsor. He shall not be circumcised as that is a barbaric practice done by uneducated sheeple but he will remain in hospital to have a birthmark in the shape of 3 sixes removed.