They Rule And We Deserve It

The Queen made a speech about austerity and how certain services to low income families will be reduced or cut. What many people saw was a couple of privileged pampered people covered in jewels, sitting on gold chairs who are multimillionaires because they were born into the right families telling poor people they'll be even worse off pretty soon.   

The Queen is just a figurehead and is reading a speech given to her by the government. She makes her millions from vast estates given to her by the government and run for her by government employees. This speech only affects her life because she has to pause counting her money in order to give it, she'll probably be due another holiday soon to get over it.

Do the royals pay for themselves? Only during times of royal events and a lot of their wealth is intangible. We only have royals to be different and quaint, 30 million people a year come to see them. If we didn't have them we wouldn't be any better off. When has the government said, "the economy is doing great, lets raise everyone's wages?" 

At least the Pope worked his way to the top .... if you can call the clergy work. He keeps most of the gold out of sight when he says how we should help the poor.

I've noticed that when the Pope says something remotely liberal and progressive the Vatican brings out a statement reminding people of their real stance. Good Pope Bad Pope?

We know he doesn't support ghey marriage and certainly doesn't like gheys going by his past and his actions in the present. After Ireland said 'fuck you Vatican' and voted YES for ghey marriage the Pope made a passive aggressive speech about how marriage is between a man and a woman.... just in case you thought otherwise. 

I don't know about you but Old Knudsen is sick of being preached at and told what to do by self-entitled cunts surrounded by riches and is offended on behalf of the gheys and weemen for this Homophobic misogynist view that they are not to be seen as equals to allegedly straight (and celibate?) males.

If I want to know how to stretch my budget I don't ask the Queen because though it is thought her over all wealth is in the billions she didn't work for it and didn't get rich by using her brains. If I want to know about children and birth control I don't ask some old bloke who doesn't have sex and who has never been a father.

At least Obama is more honest, he isn't interested in helping people, just his country and government which he sees as being separate from the will of the people. If politicians were interested in what the public wanted they wouldn't have representatives voting on things that the nation doesn't even get a vote in.
Lets all vote on the next war, if anyone had asked me if we should invade Iraq or Afghanistan I would have said 'wise up' going by what is happening now the next war has already been decided about so stay tuned for the big one of 2020.  

If you look at politicians you see they are as out of touch as Hollywood actors are. The politicians of Northern Ireland run in upper middle class circles and don't know how to react to people who live on a housing estate. They run their soirees and know that the lower classes (the voter) are home drinking away their benefits while watching Dancing and singing with the stars on ice or some depressing soap. The ruling elite justifying their existence by ruling whether you like it or not.
Imagine deciding that you wanted to be in charge, most jobs require years of working as a pleb and to get promoted by hard work and merit but not the ruling elite, they seem to just decide to do it or take turns when the more aggressive ones have left.

I do have some answers like making cuts, just not ones the ruling elite would be happy with. The cost of those stupid wars could be putting people through college or building new homes. A lot of waste could be done away with by making the tax and benefits system more easier to use and understand rather than sending out constant letters that say nothing and making you jump through hoops because that is how things are done.

Job training schemes get aimed at people up to the age of 25, after that if you haven't found your career by then or your life changes then tough, you are all out of opportunities and get blamed for then being poor. 
The conservative friendly tabloids fixate on those who abuse the system and you get tarred with the same brush and before you know it cuts are made. 

If you want anything like proper healthcare or a replacement wheelie bin from the Housing executive because the one you inherited from the last tenant was cracked you have to match wits, brabble and make things happen assuming you are lucky enough to be able to find a person qualified to make the call because a simple phone call these days can be a long and stressful event to find yerself on hold and then cut off.

There is a reason it was decided that the White House be placed in DC swamp away from the main cities, people (the public) get in the way of things not getting done.   



      

The Queen Needs More Money

 

The Queen is suffering like the rest of us. 

Last year the Queen was given her yearly handout of £37.9 million known as a Sovereign Grant, this year it will be increased to £40 million due to the rate of inflation. Of course normal people's wages and benefits don't raise every year, that would be silly.
The money is used in maintaining all the royal homes even though £359,000 goes directly to Prince Philip.

This isn't enough. There have been stories of redundancies at the palace. Four long serving staff members will be rewarded for their loyalty with a pay off and the boot. Porters have had their overtime stopped though they are still expected to port as normal.

The Queen who is worth only £330 million and only gets £7.8 million as an annual salary is facing hard times like the rest of us.
We don't know the exact figures but can guess them from previous years. The Queen costs every person 52p a year but that doesn't account for the millions in security or the people who run her Ducy. (vast inherited estates)  

In 2010 she applied for a poverty handout since she was only getting £15 million back then and her gas and electric bills were costing £1 million. SHE'S A PENSIONER WE NEED TO LOOK AFTER OUR OLD PEOPLE!

The government told the palace that the £60m worth of energy-saving grants were aimed at families on low incomes and it wouldn't look good for the royals to dip into that, thank fuck they dipped into healthcare and education instead and doubled her yearly allowence.

Some money saving tips for the Queen:

She owns horses and 5,300 breeding pairs of mute swans, no need to go hungry.

Prince Edward has always been a bit of a dud, fire yer food taster and use him instead.

Fire the person who switches the lights on and off and use a long stick with a rubber end instead.

Does the royal train really need chefs? A nice packed lunch does the trick.

I know she gets defensive when you mention her 6 units of alcohol per day but if Old Knudsen can reduce his to 27 then she can reduce her's to 4.

Some of her Rubens and Rembrandts can be sold on eBay for a few bob. Who needs 150,000 paintings? The painting/print of yon dogs playing poker is the only one Old Knudsen needs, aye he does chuckle every time he looks at it ... it's funny cos they don't have thumbs hahahaha! Stoopid dogs.

She sends around 45,000 Christmas cards every year, I bet she doesn't get the low cost Tesco packs that give to charity.

In 2013 Prince Charles made £19.1million from being the head of the Duchy of Cornwall, maybe he could chip in and buy her a gas fire or something.

Raise the price of a ticket to tour Buckingham palace from  £35.60 to £50.

The Queen brand could be used to promote sports wear or something. Save 15% on one's car insurance .... whatever that is with Geico.

Not to sound callous or cruel but have those yappy wee Corgis put doon for fuck sake and lay off the poop scooper, the dog walker and the anal gland expressor.

Sell the Iron throne so that Michael Bolton and his rapey son Ramsay don't try to take it, can you really afford a war with the north? .... winter is coming and fuel bills are not cheap.

Award building contracts to the same firms that local authorities use for social housing, the work maybe cheap looking and shoddy but it's good enough for the plebs on benefits ... like you and yer family.

Get Kate's tubes tied, less kids means more money for you.

Quit using yer Christmas message to whine about yer anus horribilus, we all have our secret itches. Be more direct and just say you need more dosh and quit handing out awards and honours to brown nosers and pedos .... have you cancelled yer Christmas card to Rolf Harris yet? That's £2 for a card and 63p for postage right there, he'd probably sell it for smokes in prison anyways.
Some insider info, cancel yer card to Cliff Richard too, he's moving aboard to avoid charges of pedophilia and to not pay taxes for the sunny weather and overseas postage can be dear.

I'd sack whoever chooses the knighthoods and honours anyways since they seem to give them out to serial sex offenders but have somehow missed Old Knudsen .... I have a blog and I'm on the Facebook, how could you miss me?

Don't give out redundancies, accuse the staff of stealing and fire them. The royal bum wiper has rolls of yer silk toilet paper and sells yer dookies on the brown market. Old Knudsen has a full set of the royal collection.

If people were really loyal to you they'd werk for free, test that loyalty or off with their heds.

I hope this blog post helps her majesty, my next post will be about clever shopping and what coupons to look out for. Iceland and Lidl do frozen lobsters, yer diet doesn't have to change at all.          

Food Hamper For The Pope

The Pope trying to look impressed.

The Queen and her undead husband prince Philip stopped in to visit the Pope last week. I have no idea why as we got rid of the Catholic church as a major religion during the reign of Henry VIII. It's probably to fill him in on Northern Ireland as he may be visiting here later in the year. "It's horrible and the people are so common."

The Royal couple couldn't be arsed thinking of a nice gift .... there's a recession on you know, so they filled a hamper with whatever shit they had still sitting in their pantry from Christmas. 

"Well I wouldn't eat this jam as if gives me wind but you have more catholic tastes."   

The Pope just looked on with a fixed,  bemused grin as they talked up their British type produce. The British are famous for their cuisine. People all over the world when faced with what to have for dinner say, "fancy getting a British tonight?" ... like never. 

While the adults spoke to each other the prince sat trying his best not to tells jokes with the words pedo or taig in them.

The Pope who is promoting an image less luxurious than other Popes met the Royals in rooms filled with tapestries, gold leafed furniture topped with marble ..... just like normal people have in their homes. 

Also like normal people he gave them a gift of a useless but expensive looking orb for their new grandchild ..... cos that's what every baby needs right?  He was all out of Frankenstein and myrrrrrrh. 

Reminds me of when the then Prime Minister Gordon Brown gave Obama an ornamental pen holder made from the timbers of the Victorian anti-slave ship HMS Gannet (cos hes black like) and Obama gave him the gift of 25 DVD's that probably couldn't even be played on British DVD machines.

Have the Brits just given up giving thoughtful gifts?

First World Problems At The Palace

In 2005 the Queen of England, Elizabeth part II was having a wedding bash. She laid out a nice spread of twiglets, pretzels and nuts for her son Charlie as he was finaly marrying that ugly bit he was shagging, Camilla.  Nothing too good for Charlie boy. There was rumour of bite sized sausage rolls but that is still unconfirmed even after all these years.

Their was also cucumber sandwiches cut into triangles dipped in the blood of young runaways cos thats what toffs eat.

The police officers who were there for protection were no doubt bowled over by this lavish soirée and couldn't help themselves so they got stuck into the salted peanuts.

Luckily Prince Harry was out at the time and so his ginger nuts were safe. 

Thanks to the News of the World phone hacking trial we can now see the memo that an angry Queen sent the palace officers. The Queen does not like big durty peelers sucking on her salty nuts, fuck, does that annoy her ...... you had one job to do but instead went for the one thing the Queen really can't stand.
The Queen said in the memo to "keep their sticky fingers out" her first draft was more colourful and involved flaying and dismemberment.

Yes the officers would take a bullet for the Queen but they will also take her nuts .... and some silver ware.  
    

The Queen Visits Her New Grandchild

 

The Queen visited her new grand daughter Princess Jemelica before she jetted off to
Tenerife on holiday. When asked what she thought of the new arrival the Queen said, "One has seen better." 

Being A Hero Cums Naturally.

You may know British actor Edward Fox from such movies as Force 10 from Toblerone, The Bounty Bar and Day of the jackoff seen here holding the medal he received from the Queen the Token Of Fidelity and Fortitude or TOFF.

I like to sit and rememberise sometimes. Once I was on holiday in London staying in a crappy wee hotel in East Finchley, that was a right dive, at dinner time I was served by a smarmy waiter that would yell and argue with the cook all the while throwing pots and pans and then he'd cum through the swing doors, smile and quietly talk as if nothing had ever happened, the arguing made dinner take a long long time, he'd bring out a bit of bacon covered in some tomato and basil sauce for us to try and to keep us happy as we waited and then they'd get back to the shouting.

It was such a crappy place I had to go out and scour the streets for my own hookers don't worry, if you threw a stick you'd hit a working gurl, in fact I did many a time do that to get their attention, the Sassenachs doon south are a dozy lot, ungodly and immoral as well which is why you go doon there for a holiday, just ask any of the Yanks who were over here during the war.

The thing I remember about that trip most of all was not the weapons deal that went bad but saving the life of one of the royal family. It wasn't really a royal it was Edward Fox a thespian (which is Latin for poo pirate) he has played so many royals and has that posh accent its easy to get confused, well it confused someone.
A splinter cell of the Provisional IRA known as The really real and serious IRA wanted to cause mayhem and chaos by killing a royal. Mr Fox or Foxy as he now lets me call him was receiving an award from the Queen for his contribution in appearing smug and upper class in countless TV and film roles.

I was walking along the street checking the ground for change and cigarette butts when the car carrying Foxy was boxed in by black taxis, out jumped several masked gunmen with guns who then pumped the driver of the trapped car full of holes.
I stood and watched and thought to myself, "hang on a mo something is going on here" then I heard it, the accent I'd heard during countless of drunken pub fights and interrogations in Northern Ireland, one of the gun men shouted "get out of the caa to be sure" fucking paddies I'd teach them to discharge weapons within the city limit. I charged them knocking one to the ground and letting them step into my killing zone, I used one of their own guns to kill two of them and capture one the rest fled as if they were being chased by horny priests.

I was slightly wounded in the shoulder, merely a flesh wound and well you know the rest had you read any news papers in 1992, medals honours reuniting with the Queen and taking a shag doon memory lane with her, ah good days.

I sued the really real and serious IRA for mental anguish which put them out of business . Foxy still keeps in touch but hes a boring old cunt so I wish he wouldn't.

Yes Mongs Its Yer Turn.

Isn't she lovely? if it wasn't for my common birth and hatred of Germans I could be Old Knudsen consort to the Queen and the Grand old Duke of Earl. Of course I have banged her. Is That indescreet telling that? sorry I've got Asperger's syndrome and Tourettes "fucking tit wank" so its not my fault.

Before I forget, "pinch 'n' punch the first of the month and no returns", sorry I can't be there to pinch and punch you in person.


What's the difference between greeting the Queen of England and greeting Bill Clinton?

You only have to get down on one knee to greet the queen.


From The Urban Dictionary

Asperger's syndrome

the only disorder where "sufferers" have fuck all in common with each other because all "symptoms" are normal personality traits that everyone in the world has at least one of.

There is no such thing as asperger's syndrome

Asperger's Syndrome

A state of mental existence often misdiagnosed as a disorder. Though this is probably to be expected, as people who do not benefit from Asperger's were the ones who decided to call it one.

Asperger's is a form of high-functioning autism that has effects such as the ability to focus intently and a level of logical thinking that almost rivals computers.
Asperger's people also have a lower tendency to care about social interactions and graces, which is likely why neurotypicals (normal folks, often abbreviated NT) consider them disabled.

Asperger's is no more a disorder than sleep is. If anything, the mind of an Asperger's individual is more organized than a normal person's.

Aspie

This term is an affectionate nickname for those with Asperger's syndromeIt was the idea of parents
relatives of aspies.
Aspies are healthy mentally, their brain's just wired a different way.
I am an Aspie. That is, a person with asperger's syndrome. Some of the definitions on asperger's on here are questionable at best, at worst, so ignorant as to be offensive.Someone who claims to be an aspie ((the one that mentions a pill about the size of a tic-tac)) would be more believable had they omitted the clause of it being made up.

Asparagus Syndrome

An unlucky cunt who is not only painfully autistic (asperger syndrome) but can't spell for shit (dyslexic)
He says he feels a lighter shade of yellow today but when I told him to write down "yellow", he wrote "hjsdf". He must have Asparagus Syndrome .

Aspergers

Aspergers Syndrome is a disorder similiar to Autism. Persons with AS show marked deficiencies in social skills, have difficulties with transitions or changes and prefer sameness.
They often have obsessive routines and may be preoccupied with a particular subject of interest.
They have a great deal of difficulty reading nonverbal cues (body language) and very often the individual with AS has difficulty determining proper body space. Often overly sensitive to sounds, tastes, smells, and sights, the person with AS may prefer soft clothing, certain foods, and be bothered by sounds or lights no one else seems to hear or see.

The lead singer from the Vines has Aspergers Syndrome who ever he is.
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Its a cop out for those with undeveloped social skills cos they are just thick and unimaginative, also the cultural divide happens too, a lot of yanks get so lost on my Blog because they don't know the cultural references or the surrealism is a bit too surreal for them, such basic stuff to me but I could put them doon as having Aspergers that would be 80% of America, they get all the hip mental illnesses and buzzwords first. I know there are autistic people out there I've seen Rain man I just think people are more quick to give themselves a label and and excuse than try to overcome. FUCKER, sorry one slipped out .