If You Have To Ask Then It's A Mask

Leo Selvaggio is an artist who wants to screw with the system .... er he wants to make art, yeah that's right.
He lives in Chicago which as he says has 25,000 surveillance cameras all linked to a central hub called virtual shield this incorporates military grade facial recognition software which can detect you anywhere in the city.
Since Chicago is kinda bankrupt it doesn't really do law and order but at least in the important parts of the city they can see who is doing the crime, the rest of the city is like Mad Max but more violent. Even the Vampires don't go out at night in Chicago.

Selvaggio wants everyone to wear a mask of his face in order to fool the cameras to think you were him. He also wants to shag a dude wearing the mask while he has razor blades strapped to his cock and high on crack to make an artistic statement about something.

It's all very odd and suspect. The masks don't look anything like the porky artist and what is really his motive?
Does Selvaggio want to commit the perfect murder or bank robbery? It could not have been me officer as I was everywhere..... like God but real.   

Remember that time on Oprah when Tom Cruise ripped off his face and instead of a scaly reptilian as expected he was really....

Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Tom Cruise, it seems that the two method actors got so caught up in their characters for Mission Impossible III that they never came back from it.

Since 2011 no one has been sure who was actually who until director JJ Abrams realized that one of them didn't really exist at all, it was only when Hoffman died did we find out that it was him who had never existed.

Which is good news for us as who doesn't like Tom Cruise? ..... he's amazing, am I right am I right?

 Belfast rioters.

Of course many cities have anti-mask wearing laws so don't go rushing out to double bag yer wife.... oh and use paper bags when you do, learn from my mistakes.

In Northern Ireland we use face recognition software to reconstruct the identities of people attending IRA funerals and commemorations as they often wear balaclavas to hide their fugly potato loving faces.
They very often try to trick the software by padding their masks, the police have found a way around this by entering the data they have and putting it into a hat and the name pulled out is probably who they are after, if not them then try again until one sticks.  

Old Knudsen has been accused of wearing an old man mask at times which is handy if yer robbing a petrol station but one time I wanted to get a sun tan in winter just to look fly but the sunbed shop wouldn't let me in until I took off me mask and rubber skin suit .... the cheeky *Arabs* so I said fuck youse and got a spray on which looked so natural.

I could have gotten the same effect by a large amount of carrots or something else with a large amount of vitamin A, carotenosis it's called, some babies get orange noses from it, totally harmless.

Trust Old Knudsen when he says, "Never trust a fat artist for they may want you to suffer for their art" an artist should never have enough money to get fat, you'll find yerself in prison for a Chicago bank heist.     




*Not really an Arab, tis a colourful expression we use, similar to 'What am I a nigger?' when you get left out and don't get offered something but the other people did. Totally not racist, we are just a humorous nation, Jeremy Clarkson being a fine example of our humor.*  

Last Nite

Old Knudsen won it big on the horses but money is nay good unless you spend it, you cannae take it with you when you die ya know ............ well unless you shove it into yer rectum but no once you do yer death shit it would cum out, totally got Old Knudsen thinking here. You could swallow it or make a few cuts and insert it under yer skin.

To revise that expression, Money: You can take it with you when you die.

So, Saturday or 'fight nite' as its known round here. Old Knudsen gets his best polo shirt on as that is what all the cool kids are wearing, he washes his bits but still has to pile on the deodorant, the last thing a lass sucking Old Knudsen off wants to smell is yer ma.

His best troosers .......... they cover me arse and have the least stains and then Old Knudsen slips into his dancing shoes. Black trainers as the discotheque Old Knudsen goes to has high standards of dress.

Old Knudsen can balance on a high wire or kick doon a brick wall in these shoes and they were at an affordable price to.

So Old Knudsen walks over to his main bitch's hoose. Her name is Betty, Old Knudsen saw her bend over in the street when she dropped something and it was 'I'd tap that' at first sight. 

A nice gurl ........... well she was before Old Knudsen got her. The sexiest thing about her is her fake tan. Fake tans are fcuking hot! you can tell they are fake right away as they look nothing like a real tan but for some reason they really give me the horn, am I right or what fellas?

So much effort to get her hole, doesn't she know that men are easy? 

The local disco was alive, a line of sad individuals waiting to pay homage to the thick necked doorman who has the god like power of who to turn away and who to let in.

The meat market which is the name of the disco is excessively loud and quite dim but you don't go there for conversation. Old Knudsen is a big fan of the DJ.

 MC DV Ain't ........ get it? oh it is very clever.  He is very hardcore and does some lovely tunes ya can sing along to.

Its very hard to get served at the bar in the meat market unless yer a hot chick of course. Old Knudsen solved that problem by finding out the dirty secrets of the bar tenders also having to set a couple up with compromising photographs.

 Brenda here is only 14 ya dirty pedo.   Shes had a hard life get off her back........... hotdog!

Old Knudsen is king of the meat market. My date Betty has only known Old Knudsen for 2 weeks and already she is yammering on about marriage. Old Knudsen told her that he was already married, several times over in fact, divorces cost too much and go on for too long so why bother? just lie to yer wives and go behind their backs ..... Old Knudsen believes that the institution of marriage is in danger of becoming less of a sacred oath of love if yon gheyers are allowed to marry then again why should they miss out on being miserable?

Maybe all this marriage talk is a ploy to catch Old Knudsen off guard and she is really going to dump him ........... sure it doesn't make sense but it suits Old Knudsen's fear of commitment. Old Knudsen also has a fear of rejection so I suppose he had better dump her first.

We danced long into the night, Old Knudsen getting many glances of admiration from the others on the dance floor. Some of them must of thought my moves were impossible and incredible as Old Knudsen heard from a few of them, "What the fcuk?"

We also drank until everyone was our best fcuking mate then it was off to the chinky for a gravy chip.

 
It mustn't have been made right but ah well better out than in. Old Knudsen then busted Betty's brown star over a wheelie bin in an alleyway on Charlton street ........... but being a gentleman Old Knudsen refuses to give you animals any inappropriate details so fcuk off.  


The question of the day is how does Old Knudsen go about dumping her? I'm not telling her to her face as that usually leads to them begging Old Knudsen then you have the odd one that tries to kill Old Knudsen because if she can't have Old Knudsen then nobody can have Old Knudsen.

What if Old Knudsen goes round for a quickie and then when he leaves text her? Nah won't work since Old Knudsen doesn't have a cellulite phone.
Write a note and then after the nasty sex  Old Knudsen leaves it on her dresser? ..... nah not friendly enough.
Since Old Knudsen didn't friend her on Facebook I suppose it has to be an e-mail maybe with a smiley face to perk her up as she'll be heart broken ........... poor lass.