Exploding Hamsters.

Sadly most of the following post is true.

A man eating badger with what is probably a piece of sandsavage flesh in its deadly jaws.

Rumours have been going around Basra, Iraq that the British soldiers have been releasing man eating badgers into the area. Several of the creatures have been killed by farmers and have been identified as "Honey badgers" indigenous nocturnal carnivores that don't attack humans unless they are cornered, their local name is Al-Girta.

Their numbers dwindled when Saddam drained the marshes but now they are recovering with a vengeance, ok not with a vengeance.

A hoosewife claims to have been attacked by one of these zombie flesh eating vampire badgers while she slept.
"My husband hurried to shoot it but it was as swift as a deer," she said. "It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey."

Maybe it was one of them Monkeydogdeer monsters the Sci-fi channel did a film about starring the guy from the Stargate series, no not that guy the other guy.

So the question has to be asked, "what the fuck are we doing trying to help these mongs?" I'm all for killing rowdy Sandsavages in fact I want to take some scalps something rotten, don't like the west? I'll bust a cap in yer arse, the west is the best. Blow us up and Mr Badger will cum to town and hell will follow. Lets take their oil, some slaves and get the heck out of there the jobs a good un.

Bum sniffing dogs.

Other silly rumours are that soldiers planted snake eggs in waterways and bomb sniffing dogs that have been purposely infected with rabies let loose in the city. Next they'll claim we gave them blankets with smallpox in them or something daft like that.

Excuse me but can we have our spy squirrels back please?

The Iranians who are crazy all night and stupid all day and still smarting from my post about the 300 claim to have captured 14 spy squirrels. We demand you release our squirrels and not parade them in front of the cameras as you have done with other captives. I heard about the special Iranian squirrel catching task force, fuck they are good. I guess we'll have to dust off the spy satellites again, that's what we get for trying to lessen our carbon footprint .

Yes I have still got plenty of Offsets to sell, buy them now or the planet will die you cunts, and don't go asking awkward questions like "If its Global Warming then why hasn't the Southern hemisphere increased in temperature in the last 25 years?" this isn't science you know just buy my fucking Offsets before the next scare monger craze cums along.

It reminds me of Hartlepool in England. During the Napoleonic wars a French ship wrecked off the coast of Hartlepool. The only survivor was a monkey wearing a French uniform. The locals decided to question it and as it was unable to answer they concluded that it was a French spy and hung it to death from the mast of a fishing boat. Please feel free to call the people of Hartlepool, "Monkey hangers" they love that.

If this is the level of stupidity we are dealing with then lets use it. I have hand reared (no hand up bum remarks thankyou) attack ducks, trained only to kill sandsavages (or swarthy Italian types) I shall send them to Basra and with the man eating badgers and our secret squirrels we shall be victorious.

She didn't say anything about pecking.