Shaken Not Stroked

Thank fuck Andrew Parker is going to be the new head of MI5, ol Johnny Evans was an ok boss and made sure we got plenty of smoke breaks but the man was a little scatter brained.  

Mr Parker says:

The Irish dissident republicans are ragged remnants of a bygone age, we have the beggars clearly in our sights. Those Al-Qaeda chappies are a dire threat to the UK but no fuzzy will have us quivering in fear, we shall stand strong against those nasty wogs and give them a taste of British steel! The thin red line has been drawn!   

About time, someone modern with a finger on the pulse of current events. We'll kick yon Irish terrorists and their Islamic friends in the arse..... then we'll take on Germany again. 

Gog save yon Queen! 

The Truth About Drones

 

Old Knudsen can't hang about, they're on to me. I was looking around Camp Lemonnier in Djibouti  which is the only U.S. military base in Africa ..... that YOU know about and in an old storage room I found the control box that works the drones. 

It seems that in 2002 it was set to kill children instead of insurgents and was forgotten about ..... ach we'll all laugh about it some day.

Before you ask the answer is NO, it's not my job to tell someone. Old Knudsen isn't paid to fix the mistakes of others and besides which, do we even know it's a mistake?    

 

Blue - Ray Is For The Weak

I don't like to talk about my past exploits much because not only is Old Knudsen a humble and modest person but a lot of his past is still classified and very much in play. I want to take this moment to apologise to all the families of those field agents killed and tortured due to posts I have written on this blog. On the bright side they did turn out to be highly popular posts.

I had just cum out of the Golf war, I was a caddy in the very special air service. I suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and would wake up at night screaming as the faces of those I had killed or holed in one would haunt me. Strange cos I usually shoot fuckers in the back and never see their faces , a lot safer that way.

I was approached by Alex Cunklin who was the coordinator for a black on black, wet works and landscape gardening organisation named Treadmill They spent 30 million dollars training me to be a top assassin to be skilled in every weapon and anything that can be used as a weapon. I undertook extensive training in boxing, packaging and Eskrima which is a Filipino weapons-based martial art and paper folding discipline.

My first mission was to kill Russian politician Vladimir Neski. You may have heard about it. The papers reported that he committed suicide in his Berlin hotel room by shooting himself in the back 3 times and then hung himself in his closet with his belt. Well Old Knudsen is going out on a limb here and saying it was no suicide, it was Old Knudsen himself.

Ach it haunts me but the good pay and benefits helped me get through it. Don't go feeling sorry for Old Knudsen I'm sure there are plenty of things about yer own jobs that aren't very nice like printer ink on yer fingers and hey it was a living right?

My next job was the assassination of deposed African dictator Nykwana Wambosa. I spent five days hiding aboard his luxury yacht and then one night I crept out to shoot him making it look like it was one of his own men.
As I drew a bead on Wambosa I saw he had one of his young children with him. Old Knudsen is a man of conscience and could not pull the trigger, besides Wambosa offered me 2 million dollars not to kill him.


Fuck did I get in trouble with Cunklin. They sent out several of my fellow killers to get me. Old Knudsen killed one with a Dutch oven another got it from behind with an iron set for steam press, does anyone ever iron anymore? Old Knudsen likes his trousers with creases not tram lines, a starched crease you could shave on or use as a slashing weapon. Of course I usually can't be arsed these days and yer lucky if I dress from the waste doon ........ depression you know.

Yes I improvised , killing one with a bic pen (blue) a rolled up wank mag, a used condom and a toothbrush, not my toothbrush I must add as I have rep of poor British dental hygiene to up hold though Americans and their lack of health care have probably over taken us by now.

I used my training to allow myself to be captured by local police as I cunningly lay in a drunken stupor in bed covered in the blood of a prostitute, hey I don't mind dirty sex while they are on their periods ask yer ma.

Yer a fucking crack hoor, I don't do washing so stop being picky and suck me lad.

To find out if I was a security risk Cunklin waterboarded me, then put bambo splinters up my fingers nails, then pulled off my finger nails, then made me read every blog in my links, then commented "LOL" under my name. I must say by then I was ready to tell him anything. I put my plan into action and sobbed like a baby until they let doon their guard.

I loosened one of me rotten teeth and spat it out like a bullet hitting Cunklin between the eyes killing him instantly. The chair I was tied to became a weapon and I killed my guards in a matter of seconds.

This post has gone on long enough so................... foot chase, car chase, a line of coke on a mirrored table, shoot-outs, explosions, lentils and walking away to the sound of sirens somehow having taped Cunklin calling the Queen a limey bitch and thus justifying all of my actions.

They closed Treadmill and started an new project codenamed "Blackmuff" which is the same thing just different people, you know the government. One of the many reasons I hate working for the Yanks, same smell of shite just under a different brand name.

Role end credits:

Extreme gheys are back again
Extreme places I didn't know
I broke everything new again
Everything that I'd boned
I threw it out the windows, came along
Extreme gheys I know want my bum
The colors of my pee
Perfect color me

Extreme gheys that help me
That help me out at night
Extreme places I had gone
But never seen any shite
Dirty basements, dirty boyz
Dirty places coming through
Extreme worlds alone
Did you ever like it rimmed.

I would stand in line for this
There's always room in life for piss.

Oh baby, oh baby
Then I felt a fart, felt a fart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then I felt a fart, I felt a fart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then I felt a fart, I felt a fart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, it always stains.

Extreme dealers that sold to me
They helped me down every night
I didn't have much to say
I didn't get above the light
I closed my eyes and closed myself
And closed my world and never opened
Up to anything
That could get me a bong.

I had to close down everything
I had to close down my shop
Too many things to cover me
Too much wanking can make me blind
I've seen so much in so many places
So many heartaches, so many feces
So many dirty things
You couldn't even believe

I would stand in line for this
It's always good in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby
Then I felt a fart, felt a fart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then I felt a fart, I felt a fart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then I felt a fart, I felt a fart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, it always stains.

Any resemblance to anything similar is purely coincidental, its not my fault someone ripped off my life.

Latest OBB News Up-Dates

The Spying Game

So fuck if I haven't been posting as much as usual, I have a life you know. So anyway I was sitting watching Yo Gabba Gabba, Dj Lance Rock (who is not a flaming homo) was grooving to a song about washing yer hands, a revolutionary idea if you ask me, they did the same brain washing techniques in China during the Great leap forward.

Then the phone rang, for fucks sake I didn't know I had one of those things. I tucked me cock back in and found the phone under a pile of dirty gunties. there was a label on it saying 'Spy phone' well that explains the broken door lock and the missing jar of change.

I answered it to find it was Sir Jock Stirrup the chief of defense for the UK. We've had our ups and doons but respect is there - ish.

"Knudsen" he said "We are keeping our MI6 operatives on the payroll even after the age of 65 when we would usually retire them. I know you retired in the early 1900's due to that whole silly Russian affair but we need you back, we need your expertise and dashing good looks."

Just as long as he didn't think I could be fooled by flattery .

"Your strong forearms that glisten with manly sweat as you defeat your opponents in hand to hand combat as you protect the people of the world need to be brought back into action as no body does it better and it makes me feel sad for the rest."

He had me at manly sweat.

"We have a 'special' relationship with America, as you know special means we trust them as far as we can throw them so we need you to spy no rather observe them. Tell us of any troop build ups, the latest fashions and any updates you have on American Idol and Lost."

I drew the line at American Idol I mean I'm no ghey.

"Our PM Gordon Brown (texture like sun) gave the Obamas a pen holder carved out of a 100 year-old anti-slaving ship, very tasteful. What did the Obamas give him? A selection of DVD's which included Psycho. Our top experts are trying to decide if this is an insult or not as Americans don't really think too much on the deeper abstract levels."

If it was the Psycho remake with Vince Vaughn I'd be phoning in the nuke co-ordinates right away.

We ended our conversation with pay details and was his wife ok about the misunderstanding we had in the jacuzzi in 1986. I swear it was a Snickers bar floating on the water, it had peanuts in it.

Then I got back to Yo Gabba Gabba and missed a cool song about Robot monster sex and how you should always use a keyboard protector.


I'm no recruiting touts (tell tales, rats, snitches, informers) but there is money to be made (literally in my garage) for those with any information on Lost and or naked pictures of yerselves.

Remember George Washington was a traitor until he won a couple of times with the help of the French.

Then he was charged with fraud and it all went doon hill.

Speaking of which. Educated people investing with Donald Trump giving him hundreds of thousands in deposits to build hotels only to have the job go sour and the deposits non-refundable.
These people trusted in Trump's money making reputation. WTF? just google the fucker, do they know how many times hes gone bankrupt ? the ugly bad haired cunt does reality shows, do you really thing if he had enough money he'd bother to do those?

Yet another example of Yanks believing what they see and hear on the telly and ignoring the truth and history of the situation, yes Ted Kennedy, Ghandi , Andrew Jackson, General Custer etc etc you have them all fooled.

It looks like the woman across from me is going out, I'd better log this into my note book once I go up to Wal-Mart and steal one.

Latest OBB News Up-Dates

Exploding Hamsters.

Sadly most of the following post is true.

A man eating badger with what is probably a piece of sandsavage flesh in its deadly jaws.

Rumours have been going around Basra, Iraq that the British soldiers have been releasing man eating badgers into the area. Several of the creatures have been killed by farmers and have been identified as "Honey badgers" indigenous nocturnal carnivores that don't attack humans unless they are cornered, their local name is Al-Girta.

Their numbers dwindled when Saddam drained the marshes but now they are recovering with a vengeance, ok not with a vengeance.

A hoosewife claims to have been attacked by one of these zombie flesh eating vampire badgers while she slept.
"My husband hurried to shoot it but it was as swift as a deer," she said. "It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey."

Maybe it was one of them Monkeydogdeer monsters the Sci-fi channel did a film about starring the guy from the Stargate series, no not that guy the other guy.

So the question has to be asked, "what the fuck are we doing trying to help these mongs?" I'm all for killing rowdy Sandsavages in fact I want to take some scalps something rotten, don't like the west? I'll bust a cap in yer arse, the west is the best. Blow us up and Mr Badger will cum to town and hell will follow. Lets take their oil, some slaves and get the heck out of there the jobs a good un.

Bum sniffing dogs.

Other silly rumours are that soldiers planted snake eggs in waterways and bomb sniffing dogs that have been purposely infected with rabies let loose in the city. Next they'll claim we gave them blankets with smallpox in them or something daft like that.

Excuse me but can we have our spy squirrels back please?

The Iranians who are crazy all night and stupid all day and still smarting from my post about the 300 claim to have captured 14 spy squirrels. We demand you release our squirrels and not parade them in front of the cameras as you have done with other captives. I heard about the special Iranian squirrel catching task force, fuck they are good. I guess we'll have to dust off the spy satellites again, that's what we get for trying to lessen our carbon footprint .

Yes I have still got plenty of Offsets to sell, buy them now or the planet will die you cunts, and don't go asking awkward questions like "If its Global Warming then why hasn't the Southern hemisphere increased in temperature in the last 25 years?" this isn't science you know just buy my fucking Offsets before the next scare monger craze cums along.

It reminds me of Hartlepool in England. During the Napoleonic wars a French ship wrecked off the coast of Hartlepool. The only survivor was a monkey wearing a French uniform. The locals decided to question it and as it was unable to answer they concluded that it was a French spy and hung it to death from the mast of a fishing boat. Please feel free to call the people of Hartlepool, "Monkey hangers" they love that.

If this is the level of stupidity we are dealing with then lets use it. I have hand reared (no hand up bum remarks thankyou) attack ducks, trained only to kill sandsavages (or swarthy Italian types) I shall send them to Basra and with the man eating badgers and our secret squirrels we shall be victorious.

She didn't say anything about pecking.