300 Scottish Spartans.

"Can you feel the might of my army King Leonidas?" "Ach aye I can feel something, I just thought you were pleased to see me."

The film 300 is a movie full of blood and guts and muscle men in speedos and the only way for some of you young people learn anything about history.

You can tell by the actor that plays Leonidas the king of the Spartans was Scottish. The ancient world got many of their warriors from Alba mainly because we are hard and can fight like fuck.

Ever notice how similar the word Spartan and Tartan are? see it all makes sense now. I was assigned to the 300 strong personal bodyguard of king Leonidas, going by the movie all you see is half naked men in leather thongs well I'm not saying we were ghey of anything, I mean we weren't as bad as the Sacred band of Thebes, the toughest shirt lifters around, they were 150 pairs of boyfriends that fought to impress their lovers and backed them up to the hilt so to speak, tough hombres.

We were close to each other, you get like that in a fighting unit, sure we may of had wives and children but the man on yer right and left were more than that, we patted each other on the arse when a good kill was made or we'd kiss and hug but that's just like in sports and you don't go around calling David Beckham ghey (we all know he is though ) The bloody Persians were causing trouble yet again, you may know these cunts as the Iranians today. Xerxes I the Great he wanted to invade Greece to pay them back for a humiliating defeat at Marathon also Greece was actually less backwards and was better off than it is today and a cool place to be. He came with his 250,000 soldiers known as the immortals as well as thousands of others.

The Greeks of Athens as usual shit themselves and came running to King Leonidas, you see during peace time men of the sword are ignored and treated like scum but as soon as there is trouble its "oh please help us".

Leonidas picked mostly middle aged men that had children who were old enough to run the family in their absence, of course I got picked because one thing the Persians hated was a vile and base brabbler. We marched to the narrow pass at Thermopylae where we would hold off the vast army of Xerxes, it was a bottleneck so a small force could only do the fighting at any given time, much like the battle of Stirling bridge centuries later with William Wallace and yes that was my idea.

Leonidas on leaving his wife Gorgo she asked what she should do on his departure. He replied, "Marry a good man, and have good children."

When I left my wife I said build a temple to my memory and spend the rest of yer life grieving for me. I believe she put my belongings up on E-bay within minutes of me leaving.

Spartan tradition says you should always go into battle looking good so we combed our hair and oiled each other up, in a manly non-ghey way that is. I'm sick of people saying we were all into each other back then, there was that one time in the showers but that was because I had soap in my eyes and couldn't see.
Persian spies saw us oil each other up, they like to watch though they didn't know what to make of it, we did find Persian jizz all over the rocks.

We had 300 Spartans, 1000 Phocians and 700 Thespians. The Phocians were shite but the Thespians kept us entertained with plays and stories of playing Hamlet in the park with Olivier.
Xerxes sent in 10,000 men but we kept making feints drawing them in closer to be slaughtered by us . I believe Xerxes was heard to say, "what the fuck?" and then sent in some more.

His so-called Immortals were named that because there were so many of them and they could replace fallen comrades so fast you never noticed if they were taking a hit. Armed with soft armour and wicker shields they were no match for the hard Spartan swords and shields.

A Greek traitor named Ephialtes told the Persians about a goat path through the pass which meant we'd have wogs on both sides so to buy Sparta and Athens some time we stayed to make a final stand. Leonidas was told by the Oracle at Delphi a king would have to be lost in order for Greece to win so I made sure I was no where near him in the fight.

The fighting was terrible Leonidas was struck doon, we tried to get his body away from the Persians but they dragged it off and stuck his head on a spike so then we made a wall of defense of those who were left, a brave final stand. I was the last Spartan standing I had fought so bravely they let me live to honour my courage, ok that didn't happen I bravely hid under several dead bodies as I would do numerous times later, its a legitimate military tactic, honestly.

When the arrows had stopped flying (they'll put someones eye out) I disguised myself as a Persian. Xerxes saw he had over 20,000 dead and so little Greeks that he secretly buried his dead only leaving 1000 to be viewed by his passing army.
We went on to sack Athens which was mostly abandoned but it was a bit of fun, did you know that the Persian army took their weemen with them? Persian weemen are the most beautiful in the world. In bloody Sparta we spent most of our time in barracks away from our mean brutish wives ah this was the life.

Ephialtes met a nasty end when my dagger got stuck in his neck and I took his place, we Scots/Greeks all look a like to the Persians so no probs there. My career as a Persian pornographer is another story.