Straight to DVD.

Catholics are advised for their own safety not to look into Big Ian's eyes for too long.

The family of Northern Ireland political leader and God's representative on Earth Ian Paisley has revealed it has commissioned the writer Gary Mitchell to come up with a movie script about the DUP leader's life.

I kid you not, since the Queen film was a hit and now they are planning one about Margaret Thatcher so Mr Ian Bitter Balls Paisley has jumped on the band wagon.

Some of the money has already been raised through the usual fund raisers and protection rackets and they say they will be using Northern Ireland talent, that last bit may be a little bit difficult.

Mitchell has in the past wrote plays sympathetic to the Protestant Loyalist cause so expect the Paisley in the movie to rescue kittens and fight off groups of armed Taigs.

They are hoping a big star will play the role of Paisley but instead Liam Neeson has said he is interested in playing the part. A big tall man with a god awful Northern Ireland accent a role Neeson is well suited for as he is quite limited in his roles. Neeson did play the Irish hero - ish Michael Collins.

Tall, ugly as fuck and a bad accent . Neeson was made for this role except for one thing, he looks too much like a Fenian, we can tell you know.

The DUP (Paisley's political party) don't really like Neeson (probably something silly like him being Catholic) and a few years back objected to him being offered the freedom of his home town of Ballymena and that led to the actor refusing the honour.

Ah Ballymena, I was stationed at St Patrick's barracks for a while, I can't really tell you what kind of work I was doing there, not that its classified its just that I drank a lot back then and can hardly remember it.

The town was in Northern Ireland's Bible belt and full of hard drinking farmers. Those stupid enough to leave the barracks looking like a soldier would get beaten up by the locals, me with my Scottish accent could blend in enough with their culchie dialect as it can almost sound Scots sometimes.

The Protestants always tried to get rid of the Catholics out of Ballymena but they hung on like a chav to Burberry. Big Ian Paisley or as he is affectionately known as Alien Paisley would walk in front of the Protestant parades during the 12th of July waving and shaking hands, sometimes he would cure lepers and heal the blind if he had the time.

The movie is said to end in a car chase and a fight with the Fenian cock sucker Gerry Adams on the roof of Belfast city hall which Paisley obviously wins by throwing Adams off and impaling him on a handy spike of some kind and utters the line," I said NO SURRENDER! you terrorist cunt".

Paisley is big news it seems, a county Down film company has also gotten funding for a Paisley movie but it has nothing to do with the Paisley family.

Sinn Fein cock sucker er I mean leader Gerry Adams is wondering why he isn't getting a film. Hes already dispatched his minions to the morons in America to raise funds for one and has sent a few good men (the only ones with fingers left) to teach South American guerillas how to make bombs in return for drugs to sell. Colin Farrell and the guy that played Gollem have shown interest in the lead role.

Who will play scumbag Gerry Adams?

Gollem sure does have the look.

A cold blooded murdering Lemur would be ideal, I suspect Adams of having Lemur somewhere up his family tree.