Hold The Mayo

You've heard how Saint Patrick chased all the snakes out of Ireland (which as actually symbolism for converting the Pagans) well you can only trust a Prod to tell a story the way it happened so on the run up to St Paddy's day here is that true story, you can trust me.





A lovely gurl at the foot of Croagh Patrick.

I may have mentioned before about how I was with Jesus when he founded the Protestant religion. It wasn't always easy as he was quite immature, turning water to wine on people and freaking out blind people by making them see again.
Everytime I had a bit of toast he laughed and called me ghey as he said I had a part of his body in his mouth and guess what part, that joke got old real fast and I had enough so I said to Mary Mag, " you could do a lot better, last chance gurl" , so I headed off, alone out into the world with my faith shaky.
I went to Ireland to see some relatives from my mother's side only to find that a load of greasy foreigners (the sons of Mile Easpain) the Milesians had long taken root and most of the people I knew lived underground with the Fairies. I don't care what you've heard but Old Knudsen doesn't swing that way.................. much.

In 441 AD I decided to go to county Mayo to start a mayonnaise business, good gimmick huh? but there was fuck all there so I climbed up a hill that was nice and out of the way and good for Blogging. I called it Croghan Aigle or eagle's peak, that's when Blogging was all done on scrolls. Back then I went under the name Old Crom and my Blog was called Old Bitter Pagan God. I mostly complained about the Milesians and their dirty Celtic ways and also the Angles, what the fuck was their problem? I used to post 6 times a day and I was all out of Roman insults by then.

Ha Ha you look like a Roman.

One day I was up my hill chewing on this root that used to give me some very odd dreams and massive erections when a pasty faced git came walking up.
He asked me if I believed in God, fucking Johos they get everywhere. I said that I believed in him but didn't believe him as he had more mood swings than a woman with PMS.
His name was Patrick and he was shit hot for converting people to his religion based on guilt and ignorance, they made the Protestants look good and that was saying something.

He had decided to convert me and would spend 40 days and 40 nights on my hill if that's how long it would take, I told him to go ahead make my day.
He reached into a bag and pulled out a shamrock and proceeded to work his Mojo, "this represents the father the son and the holy spirit" , yep that was his best shot, it had worked on some Chieftain but those guys aren't too bright.

I worship at the church of the tan lines.

"So what about the female trinity then? you've got the whole Mother Mary thing but then it stops, with just scant mention of another Mary who is protrayed as a hoor, I suspect someone has Mummy issues. There was a female trinity before this one, could ya not think of anything original? Jesus wouldn't be too happy, he liked the chicks unlike that Peter fella he just liked to dress men in dresses and touch up the altar boys.

What about the 5th century BC Babylonian trinity of Shamash, Sin and Ishtar? or the Celtic Morrigu of Ana, Babd and Macha, not to mention Parvati, Durga and Uma of India, the Greek Hebe, Hera and Hecate, the three Horae and the fates, all female, was Mary not just the holy ghost as a replacement for the Egyptian trinity of Osiris, Isis and Horus? now I'm all for respecting the beliefs of others as long as they're Protestant but c'mon lad, admit that you're ripping off the other religions and maybe I'll take one of yer pamphlets".

My average reader if they have gotten this far.

Patrick wasn't very happy, he was used to converting the uneducated, the educated ones the Judges, lawyers, Doctors , historians, ambassadors etc were known as the Druids had been disposed off on claims of witchcraft and spooky shit. Hitler would dispose of all the educated Jews first when he started building his power base.
Patrick demoralised sat doon and spent a few hours reading my scrolls and asked what would I do in this situation if I couldn't convert someone?
I thought for a while and then pulled the silliest idea out of my arse I could find.

" Get yer spin doctors Father Cheney , Father Scooter and Father Adams to say you've been up this hill for that 40 days and nights fighting with demons and you for some reason rang a bell that made all the snakes and toads on the island jump off cliffs to their deaths, yes I know we don't have any snakes just natterjack toads but we'll just ignore their presence and then you name this hill Croagh Patrick, proclaim ' Mission Acomplished ' and open up a tourist shop selling little bells and fake snakes, oh for added effect for the bloody Pagans say when you rang the bell you also broke the curse cast on the children of Lir that turned them to swans, that will demonstrate yer power over the old magic".

Me and Patrick I told you chewing that root gave me the horn.

Patrick thought for a bit and then thanked me and left. I was glad to see the back of him what a boring shite he was, 3 days later workmen arrived and installed a bell on the south side of my hill, to add insult to injury they started tours which soon turned into pilgrimages the Sunday before the Pagan feast of Lughnasa on the 1st August, those cunts are always doing that with Easter and Christmas, I know for a fact that Jesus was a Taurus with Virgo rising but the Fenians wanted the Winter Solstice .

My hill is only 2510 feet high so any old or young crazy fucker can climb up there on their knees sanely and rationally and they did, it got a wee bit too crowded up there and they kept asking me stupid questions about me blog, "how can you know about the latest warrior poets being an old bitter pagan god and all?"
I stopped blogging for a bit which became what is known today as the Dark Ages .

The Paris Hilton of the Dark Ages, standards for beauty have gone way doon hill since then.

The children of Lir were swans for 900 years and the curse was only to be broken when a Prince of Cnnacht married a Princess of Mumhan, I thought everybody knew that. It happened in 649 AD . Like I said I pulled the idea out of me arse.