Warp Factor Sex.

"C'mon, you have to be able to feel it now, its ready to launch."

A while back when the fishing wasn't bringing in enough money to live on I looked for work further a field, well not exactly a field more like a space.
I signed aboard the USS Enterprise which was just about to embark on its 5 year mission , to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations and liberate whatever things of value they had, to boldly go where no man has yet messed up.

The aptitude test was easy, "Do you like science?", "Do you like responsibility?", " Are you good with machines?", "Do you like to thump people and brag about it?" I bet ya can't guess my answers. They thought it best I go into security.

The flaming red shirt and tight black Capri trousers seemed abit ghey but you know me, I'm ghey for pay besides I liked the camel toe it gave me balls.
The captain was a nut job named Captain Kirk, a strange fella, from Iowa I believe which is famous for the crazy bastards that live there. I think the corn those corn fed fuckers eat has been genetically altered a bit too many times .

The Enterprise was the only ship that required the men to wear the skin tight trousers and the ladies to wear fish nets and mini skirts. Kirk would always be ripping his shirt and offering to wrestle nervous crewmen, the nickname he got was Captain Grab ass, he heard it being said one time but thought they said, "bad ass" and that added to his swagger.

Doctor McCoy loved to watch the wrestling, he had the nickname "Boner." Kirk was always saying things that you didn't know if he was joking or not, his favourite was, "Phasers on date rape" which would always get an excited giggle from the doctor. When he was to be beamed up he'd say,"Scotty beam me up" then he'd mumble, "in the ass" and Scotty not hearing that would say,"aye Captain" causing the doctor to almost wet himself.

The executive officer 'Spock' was a cool character, half Elf half English man, a queer combination if ya know what I mean, looking doon on everyone cos he went to public school to learn how to be buggered and fire off sarcastic quips, that bloke was always on his Pon farr it seemed, penis issues no doubt going by ear size is no indication .

Everyone knows that Asians and people with Jesus stickers on their cars are the worse drivers ever but still we had a fella named Sulu drive the Enterprise , he made me feel uncomfortable the way he undressed me with his slitty eyes.

Just something odd about that fella, I can't place my finger on it.

The only other Jock on board was Scotty the chief engineer, he liked his drink but it made him depressed and insecure, he was always looking on the dark side, "ya cannae do it" or "shes not gonna blow shes a leezer" he really got on my tits, he caused half of the engine's problems just so he could fix them and look like the hero, that's how insecure he was.

We started out with a compliment of 50 security guards, in no time it was doon to just me and Ensign Pulver, it was like Nam all over again, you weren't there asshole I don't want to talk about it.

We'd draw straws to see who would go on away missions with weemen in the landing party. I made sure Pulver drew the short straw, he wasn't much of an artist.

Weemen on the landing party means the rest of the party are distracted by trying to see her giblets when she bends over or kneels doon, and while I like giblets I also want to see the Liver Ripper from dalron 4 creeping up on us to rip our hearts out (misnamed it was) anyway the charming and powerful alien on the planet usually gets the gurl, she stays behind to "study" them if you get my meaning.

"Aren't you a pretty one? you're going to be ripped apart by my lovin."

Poor Pulver had his head blown up by a piece of alien rubber with tinsel on top a week before the 5 year mission was canceled due to lack of interest.

The crew went their own ways, Spock was slipped some acid and went through a hippy phase trying to achieve some form of uptight enlightenment. McCoy defended himself against charges of fondling unconscious patients he soon found peace in the Priest hood (which is the neighbourhood where all the Priests live) Scotty was tried for sabotage and Kirk became a Rear Admiral with Sulu as his head man.

Chekov didn't exist as even in the 23rd century they wouldn't have a Russian on the command deck. Ahooryou didn't exist either, who would put a neck wiggling angry black woman on communications ? "we be axing you 2 surrender or we'll open up a can on your whitey/greeny ass. " Its funny the shite some people make up.