Help me help you.

Old Knudsen had a good day yesterday, first I awoke with the images from a great dream still in my head, it had to do with a naked Gloria Hunniford obeying my every whim, I'd use that woman's shite for toothpaste . I walked round most of the day with a limp and it wasn't to do with my wooden leg, my postman (Pat) had a box he couldn't fit through the letterbox so he knocked the door, when I answered he yelled, "oh my god its a mircale, your leg is growing back" and hes a man that knows about packages.

If you want to know whats in the box ask Billy, someone called Dirk Diggler has his mail delivered here and billy collects it for him, I think Mr Diggler must be Dutch as the parcels are always from Holland, its a part of the British nature to help clueless foreigners, one of the many reasons my Blog has an international flavour.
Me being in a good mood wasn't the only reason my day was good, my rash has started to clear up, ( give me a week ladies and then wey hey) and I found a bottle of Smirnoff hanging from a string outside my bedroom window, I'd obviously forgotten all about that, fuck ya Billy I beat you this time.

Well Old Knudsen wants to get closer to his peeps so I've taken a few surveys for unbiased honest opinions to find the man that is Old Knudsen.

One of the questions was,' which best describes you, male or female?', I know its 2004 and all but there is only the one or the other, chicks with dicks doesn't count as that's CGI or makeup, I wonder what ever happened to that pretty wee thing from the crying game, probably has 10 kids by now.

Billy one ear used to consider me a metro sexual, he thought it meant a guy that follows men into public restrooms and fondle them while they pee, now I only did that once and that was mistaken identity, I don't know where he comes up with such things.
Old Knudsen uses LifeBuoy soap, Brut aftershave and green or orange gel from the pound shop so I am a bit of a metro sexual, what can I say, real men use products.

The first survey I took was to see if I was a slacker mum.
Well Old Knudsen has had more kids than he can remember (if you're one of them no offense) I used coloured tags to keep track of them once but I soon lost interest, I blame my ADHD, Schizophrenic paranoia and the hemorrhoids don't help either, what was I saying? oh yeah, fucking Poodles, the way they look down their long snouts at you with their foo foo hair, judging you and waiting for a sign of weakness, and why are they called 'toy' poodles, I've seen them move they are bloody real, they are also snappy wee cunts so I wouldn't give them to a child as a toy, oh that's what I was talking about children, I've changed the odd nappy in my time, I know which end to wipe and which end to feed. (80% sucess rate)

Old Knudsen's tip for a happier life.
Do all the unpleasant jobs badly so your wife takes over in disgust and later when you offer to do it (a bluff) she never lets you near it.

Well lucky that wasn't in the survey.
I'm a pretty in the city mum, when I'm at Bloomingdales getting an easter outfit for my middle aged son Trevor I may just treat myself to a pair of Manolo Blahniks, you know that's just so me.

The next survey was about Old knudsen's hotness, my hotness score was 202, I don't know what that means but it sounds high, no surprise there.

I enjoy movies, good food and a fine wine from a good year, well if its free I'll drink it, I did buy a box of wine from Tesco's last year, Billy went around calling me Lord Muck from Muckingham Palace, it didn't stop him from drinking half of it, as for good food, who the fuck likes bad food? (say the Brits and I'll cut ya)

The last survey was to gauge my Blogging IQ, this one was spot on, it called me a Blog Guru, I go from the Blogosphere to Substance, wow but Old Knudsen hasn't hit the big time yet but who cares? my Blog is a service to Mankind, Womankind also but they know it all and never listen, lets hope now with these surveys you see me as a friend, in that case can you lend me a tenner till next week? hey don't click next blog, away and fuck then, you and your little Vespa, I hope that Poodles eat your eyes out, you licker of small stones, you need your brightness adjusted and I'm just the guy to do it.


Update

The bottle of Smirnoff actually had paint thinners in it, that was Billy's wee joke, I got half way throught it before I realised, I finished it out of spite and the fact that I was out of my tree, not too bad actually, I don't cough up that much blood.