I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread and a damp spot on my bed, 'damn that hot water bottle' I thought as I tried to see how bad the patch was, what a mystery, I was soaked through and I don't have a hot water bottle.
Looking through the window it was as if the sun was too afraid to show itself today, the sky was a dark ,foreboding swirling mass of anger. I fancied that I saw three of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse though they may have been plastic bags blown about by the wind.
My bedside clock said 7:10 am, what? 7:10 am, my arse its still dark out what happened to daylight savings time? then I remembered the awful truth, its the 2nd of November the day of disaster, my mind raced back to when I checked that I had £42.00 to send to Ms Ibis for spiritual protection and then I remembered buying a case of Charger (a weak but reasonably priced lager) it was a bit of a blur after that,I went to the pub then to the chinkys for a curried chip, Billy was with me so anything I had left over he probably took when I passed out, funny wee man is Billy one ear. Oh shit I'm in such trouble, will saint Michael and his mates stand by as the great evil that has been foretold fucks me in the ass sans lube? is it too late to pray? is it too early to drink? wise up its never too early to drink.
I will be keeping to myself today and wearing tinfoil under me hat just incase, if this is the last post that I ever do I just want you all to know that I meant every mean word I said to yous and if nothing happens to me you'll be in for more of the same, and you'll like it, you'll even ask for more but Old Knudsen won't give you more cos hes a fucking slag.
Standing, gazing over Loch Voil pondering the mortality of man.
Wednesday 1 November 2006
Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, I Mean The Pub Called Wounded Knee.
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11 comments:
Knudsen you total git.
I turns me back for no more than a second and come back to find pages and pages.
Weak lager is the best. You last longer, slaver less and the blackouts are shorter. It's never too early for a reviver especially now it's chilly out. We've got to take such precautions as we can and a half bottle of Stewarts Cream o' the Barley morning and night never hurt anyone if there's an R or an A in the month.
In America, we always need shiny dimes to counteract voodoo. At least, I've always seen it in movies.
Can you post a picture of your tinfoil skull cap?
Bad timing, but happy Dia de los Muertos.
I always found that a standard issue, black three inch binder clip (found in most offices) works wonders when clamped/affixed to the first inch of a man's shween/todger, in the prevention of the "nocturnal urinal" dream sequence...
keep it together, old man. you're scarin the kids. more than usual.
Yes, have a Barley Sandwich for lunch and all will be well. Where's your Saint Christopher medal?
I suppose we'd better organise a wake. I'll contribute some beer if other people take care of the food and party streamers.
dr maroon I'm like a rabbit with bunnies to make, I'll try not to take up all the space on the Interweb, thanks for the lager advice, I was going to ask my GP and now I don't have to.
sassy sundry I'd be well fucked if zombies come after me, I find evil is not so scary with its head blown off.
nuggetmaven are you suggesting I wet the bed? I'm sure I must have a leaky water bottle somewhere.
taihae never mind little dogs, those 'kids' would be the first to eat my eyeballs if I carked it.
Babsbitchin I had a pasty supper for lunch does that count?
Mr Eater I knew I could rely on you, but I'm not dead yet so stop trying to stuff me.
So... You still alive, then? Just a few hours to go, right?
Don't get your hopes up yet young missy.
how would i go about procuring or fabricating an old knudsen costume for my costume ball? an tips from an insider?
Find a passed out whino (with a flat cap of course) and steal his clothes, make sure there are plenty of piss stains in the trousers if not then make some, its my signature scent, tweed and elbow patches are bloody cool and don't forget a tie instead of a belt, not for fashion but because I don't have a belt, twine will do at a pinch,expect to get plenty of action, yay! silver sex.
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