Many people may suspect this but Old Knudsen is being kept alive by the power of voodoo and the application of strong spirits yes Whisky not ghosties and ghoulies and longlegged beasties unless of course you mean Charlize Theron, oh that one night with her, I was fucking brilliant, I was too busy watching myself in the mirror to hit record on me camcorder, now that gurl has legs all the way up to her arse but Old Knudsen doesn't kiss and tell, e-mail me and I'll sell you an exclusive story.
Where does this voodoo stand with Old Knudsen's strict Presbyterian beliefs? well I asked Jesus for help, he kinda shrugged and said,"I'm a carpenter if you wanted a coffee table no probs", fucking sandal wearing long haired hippy, so then I ended up with the Voodoo god Dambolla, I have to make the odd sacrifice and bathe in the blood of young runaways to stay as young and handsome as I am, a little price to pay.
Well I got this letter from a Psychic the other day, I can't remember contacting one in the first place so that's incredible, or it was that night I was really pissed, and passed out while I was surfing the interweb, if I e-mailed you its all rubbish and I'm not into that.
It was from Ms Ibis, definitely not a Scottish name (like Knudsen is?) heres how it started.
Sweet Jesus Soren
Your troubles cause me great pain and anguish.
You have such a sharp mind and so much inner beauty. Your problems are not only unfair, they are crimes against God. I'll solve your problems or live in eternal shame.
She knows me so well, its like she looked into my life, you fuckers never say anything nice like that.
It seems that on 2nd November Old Knudsen is proper screwed, I must get under her protection to avert disaster, real danger, behind this is an evil force, extremely powerful and heinous, who can it be? Foot Eater the body stuffer? -no- Dr Maroon the more famous and less crazy jock? -no- Sammy the crazed firebombing shirt-lifter? could be.
I am really worried, how can she know something is going to get me unless she really is psychic? she seemed to be really interested in helping me and even called me her friend.
Ms Ibis if that really is her name (fuck I hate fakes) put a 'Fiery wall of Protection' around me and Archangel Michael and his 6 mates will help out also, all I have to do is say a prayer on a card and return it with £42.00 to help with the cost of supernatural intervention, and she will say a prayer on the 2nd Nov to fortify the spell, she sent me a list of candles and oils she used and other ingredients,I remember back in the day all you had to do is kill a small dragon and its heart would aid you in all your magical needs, now its expensive, she even knew I'd need an envelope to send it in (must of forgotten the stamp) I can't risk the evil getting me on the 2nd, she said she'd perform a miracle for me on the 17th November well I'm getting my money sent off right away so I get my miracle, if I don't make it through the 2nd Nov, I just want you all to know, you're a fucking pack O'Hoors.
Tuesday 17 October 2006
Revelations.
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14 comments:
Heheheh... sounds like Miss Cleo's gotcha in her spell!
Here's the real answer, this is a true story;
My Dad on his 17th Birthday before leaving for the Navy was sat down by his father, Admiral Charles Wootten, with two shot glasses in front of him. He told him this was a lesson and to pay attention. He filled one glass with whiskey the other with water. He then dropped a worm in each glass and told him to watch. In a short period of time, the worm in the whiskey died, while the worm in the water tried to climb out. He then explained, "Always drink whiskey and you'll never have worms." Charlie Wootten lived to 96 years old and my Father is still fine at 74.
I'm psychotic, I mean psychic and I'm telling you that the answer is whiskey! Drink up mate!
I have it on good authority that you have a seat reserved on Hell's AMTRAK, in the bar car. Right next to mine.
They serve the really top-shelf booze, too.
Knudsen, I would never firebomb you... well on a good day... the bad I can't be held accountable.
I say the bitch is a fake, everyone knows the only REAL psychics are on Bourbon St. in New Orleans with their signs that say "Psychic Reading for [insert actual need like food or $$, or quirky snip like Crack or Booze]"
One told me I was going to be very successful, I just needed to get off my lazy ass, and she was right... too bad she didn't tell me when I needed to, cause I am quite comfortable.
nuggetmaven I don't care what anyone says, Miss Cleo was kinda hot, must of been the accent.
babsitchin you should always trust an admiral, except a rear admiral when you're a pretty young boy (experience talking) I'm at a loss as to why I have to rub me arse along the carpet, mustn't be worms then.
crankyprof I doubt they serve drink in heaven in fact I doubt they do anything fun, ok hell it is, I'm sure I can work it into my protestant beliefs to make it acceptable, maybe I'll do a Tom Jefferson and rewrite the bible.
sammy Imagine that, you'll be a sucess if you work wow, what a power to have, I predict that if you don't look after your health you'll get ill.
Imagine only having to pay 42.00 to get a miracle. Seems like a real miracle would be worth much more. On the other hand, if she were really had an in with the supernatural, shouldn't she intervene for free?
I always wondered why Superman had a job as a reporter,I don't think he really gave a shit.
Watch out for that Ms.Ibis. He used to share a cell with Jeffrey Archer.
Old Knudsen, I wanna sit next to you and CrankyProf on that train ride to the innermost circle of hell.
I can die now.
dh Ibis is a bird, bird is slang for prison, archer is I don't know a twat, its all connected somehow, I bet Archer was the bitch.
nuggetmaven lets have some of that drink and make it a threesome to hell, a threesome from Hell would be the Bee gees.
belinda on the first date as well, you are indeed a dirty hoor, you've made the blood rush to my head and now my trousers are uncomfortable and tight, I bet you're from Arbroath, I want you to be my bog.
bloody hell, old man. i'm away for a bit and you go and have an orgy. an invite would have been nice...
Have you seen this big yoke? theres plenty to go around.
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