June Simmons was in the kitchen of her Surrey home about to make dinner for her inattentive husband and two ungrateful teenagers when horror struck.
No sooner had she opened a box of Fish Fingers when a lemur high from a week long drink and drugs binge jumped through the window and ripped poor June to death, luckily one of the teens was able to take a photo on their mobile phone before they got fed up waiting for dinner and went to a friends hoose.
The lemur startled by a crucifix on the wall made its escape leaving bloodied paw prints as it went. Ted Simmons the husband of June choked back tears to say, "who is gonna cook my dinner now? those fucking lemurs they care for no one but themselves."
Terry the teenage son said, "its not fair" and stormed off to his room to mope and cry over his Emo CD.
A simple story of lemur violence, there are over 200 reported lemur attacks in the UK every year this has been one of them.
Tips to safe guard against a lemur attack
Close all windows and doors before opening breaded fish sticks or battered Cod.
Never wear bright colours as it attracts them.
Old woman perfume that chokes passers by also attracts them so cut it out.
Walk with confidence and be aware of yer surroundings, if you see a gang of lemurs hanging around a street corner turn and walk in the opposite direction.
Weapons are a last resort but a rolled up magazine used in a stabbing motion and car keys grasped between fingers and aimed at their bug eyes can give you a moment to escape.
If you are attacked make as much noise as you can yell, " free food " as no one will come if you scream, " lemur" its a sad fact of life but oh so true, go on stand in the street and yell lemur and see who cums near you.
Lemurs are a worldwide threat so contact yer local politician or warlord and ask them how they are safe guarding the people against the clawing menace that wants to kill you and rape yer lifeless leg.
Support Old Knudsen's ongoing campaign against lemurs by sending him money or panties. Take a stand and stomp a lemur today.
Saturday 4 August 2007
Turd On A Stick.
oldknudsen@gmail.com Old Knudsen
Labels: angry titties, fuck I hate lemurs, Is Old Knudsen high again?
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14 comments:
What size panties do you wear? I'll send you some of mine.
Do you have anything other than crotchless? the last time you sent me gunties I burned my nostril hairs sniffing them.
go on stand in the street and yell lemur and see who cums near you.
Not true. I was just out yelling Lemur last weekend and was offered crack no less than 5 times in an hour.
What size panties do you wear? I'll send you some of mine.
The pair she sent me looked like someone had blown their nose in them.
To confuse us oldies Lemur is the name for a new type of crack, all the kids are into it.
Let me guess like a syphilitic snail? Canadians are a dirty people, never wash you know.
Sorry old boy, I really wanted to send you a pair of Fifi, my lemur's panties, but she wouldn't let me take them off her. Seems I have a rather demure lemur.
actually going to comment on the poem down there... see, that is how to REALLY write a poem. my modern slightly inconvieniced mind doesn't know the first thing about writing a poem when put up with these guys.
And I happen to like lemurs. I feel sorry for the one on porno-gandma. It's not his fault she is sick as fuck.
"Close all windows and doors before opening breaded fish sticks or battered Cod."
My dear Old K,
If your Cod is that battered, you're wanking it too roughly. Try a gentler stroke.
Just so y'know.
Kisses,
JanieBelle
willowtree don't turn yer back on it.
xmichra Yeats is my favourite but yers is pretty good too. Don't feel sorry for lemurs they killed princess Di.
janiebelle speaking of painful when I'm on yer blog the sides overlap onto the middle and I can't read or comment, a fault with word press I believe, just thought I'd tell you.
Holy crap!
That is not good at all!
I'll see what I can do, Old K. It's just not the same without you!
Dude, I was trying to be low-key but that photo haunts me.
The look on her face.
The price of the stove (and coffeemaker) in the background. The quality of the lingerie. The youth of her breasts. The lemur drawing blood of course.
The look on her face.
Damn those things. Lemurs and Emo's, same thing.
good god, I'm laughing my arse off over here, then my 82 year old mum wants to know what's so funny...
I ain't tellin' her, someone else want to?
Nice stove.
I too am reluctant to blame the unfortunate lemur. One sniff of June's knickers and it obviously lost all self control.
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