Friday 17 November 2006

Dolphins Have No Porpoise Kill Em All.

Shes old and if shes gonna die so will the fucking Whales, I know how old people think, I've met some.

I used to work for the Florida Underwater Research and Discovery Institute and one of the things I had to look into was the effect that party balloons had on the environment.

Every year tens of thousands of balloons are released for such causes as freedom, remembrance, promotions or to celebrate the environment, they give a few thousand people a brief 3 minute spectacle before they fly out of sight. Where do they go to?
You might get some school kid that finds a balloon with 'herpes awareness day' written on it and goes and asks his parents a lot of awkward questions, or one might land in the arse end of Ireland and they end up worshipping it, "all hail the great Lipiptor" you know what they're like*.
So where did the rest go to?

As the world is mostly water they probably came down and floated into nonexistence, I'll tell ya what happens, those fucking Dolphins and Whales that are supposed to be so smart bloody well ate them, the deflated balloon wrapped itself around the inner ears of said fish (away and shite about them being mammals, I know what a fish looks like) which gives them uncontrollable cravings for things like pickled onions, pickled eggs and even potted herring, vinegar is the key which is why they beach themselves and swim up the Thames like a total twat, in search of these foods.

Obviously they blow the balloons out their blowholes but by then the damage is done.
You don't need a PHD in arse scratching (the most common PHD to get) to figure this one out.
I really don't know just how I got the job, I spent the research grant on a really cool Ford Capri, the rest was spent at the pub and on family sized buckets of KFC and I squandered the rest.


What a cool fucking car.

Children are not our future, they may be a potential source of food but at the moment they are the unwitting perpetrators to fishocide, the people that buy a balloon for a child is the same kind of person that after a bit of rough in the park throws the used condom on the path not only to be seen by all who pass but to choke a Mole or a Bat that can't see and can only smell the delicious protein inside, to be honest I don't care, I got paid.



*very clever and funny and please don't hurt me ya pagan savages.*

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

On a serious note, Mr. K., on my daily walk along the Embankment, I pass several odd-looking rafts floating in the old Thames.

They're actually there to catch plastic and they yield TONS fo the fucking stuff every year.

Every balloon/condom/plastic bag caught in the rafts is one more live whale/dolphin/turtle for the Norwegians to eat.

So hoorah for the plastic-eating rafts on the Thames.
Don't throw plastic away! Save a Norwegian today!

peahen said...

I'm not into cars, particularly penis substitutes like sports cars, but I have to agree that the Capri is a classic design. The mark 1 looks even better, and when you see one on the road now, it's a real head turner!

Anonymous said...

Yeah. Little bro used to have an orange Capri and we'd cruise up and down Gt. Yarmouth seafront with his outsized stereo on full blast, totally not impressing the girls.
Cool car indeedy. Happy days.

Old Knudsen said...

Dive I'll have another wee gin, get it? fuck I'm funny, when I go I'm taking this place with me, that orange capri sounds like a real fanny magnet, are the yarmouth gurls goers then?

peahen its strange but as the gurls in Abroath know, my penis is the shape of a sports car. I prefer the later model, I believe this to be a 78 mark 3.

BEAST said...

FORD CAPRI YIPPPEE
They were the coolest of the 'Dagenham Dustbins' (except for possibly the Puma)

Its classic lines would set an essex girls knicker elastic twanging at 500 meteres

Marvellous stuff

Anonymous said...

How does an Essex girl switch on the light?
She opens the Capri door with her foot.

Yarmouth girls, Old K. are descended from the Aberdeen fish gutter girls who came down here a hundred years back.
And yup, they're goers alright!
They're also feisty, argumentative little buggers who drink, smoke and swear like only fish gutters can.
Unfortunately, most of 'em eat a high lard diet, but they drink themselves unconscious every night so they're an easy catch for an ugly fucker like me. Just don't let 'em near a gutting knife.

Anonymous said...

You've all lost me with your regional joking, but back to the balloons--it was announced recently that the US is facing a severe shortage of helium, so there lies our hope in saving the "fish," at least in our little corner of the world.

peahen said...

Shortage of helium? That's terrible news for squeajy-voice comedy!!!

I should clarify that I see a sports car as a surrogate phallus for an inadequate man, not as any kind of personal useful alternative to the kind of thing that Rich is waving around on his blog at the moment.

peahen said...

make that 'sqeaky'.

Old Knudsen said...

Mr beast now we have little clown Ford focus cars, they should be like clothes and reintroduce the old ones back to start a style again, nothing beat the model T well except a lame horse.

dive those gurls sound so lovely, I'm thinking its time for wife # er well its over 5 and under 10, I can't remember.

robyn you and your joking, no hot air in America? did you not just have elections? they should drill in Alaska for more.

peahen whatever is wrong in a man's life he can make it better with more horsepower and looking and acting like a dick, no offense to any Dicks that read this.