World War Jizz

One thing you can learn from the movie World War Z is that if you get some zombie bodily fluids in yer mouth then spit and you won't turn. Brad Pitt ..... spit!  He may swallow in real life but with zombies it's a spit and a rinse with Mountain Dew.

Ever violently hack someone to death? juices splattered everywhere, yer bound to get something in yer mouth. Even vampires have to be careful these days, too many nasty diseases about.
  

 

 Imagine a mouth breathing Flegger during the zombie apocalypse, "Stap biting me mate, this is an infringement of my human rites, (as his voice gets steadily even more high pitched) I'll find out where you live and break yer windows some nite."

Unless Fleggers evolve to be able to breathe through their noses they're fucked. If you are ever caught in a zombie outbreak during the marching/rioting/protesting season in Northern Ireland (an all year season) the safest place to hide is in the job centre . A flegger is unable to see the job centre but if they drunkenly stumble near by one by accident their back will start hurting forcing them to flee. 

 If you got turned into a zombie I would totally swallow .... ach lad yer so sweet.

Remember folks, always use protection, sturdy rope and a machete handy in case yer partner forgets the safety word, oh and never, ever use Brains as yer safety word. 

 

The Time Of The Walker

 "Na surrender M8"

As everyone knows a zombie apocalypse is just around the corner, believe Old Knudsen cos he saw the last few. The 1918 so-called flu pandemic being the last one to hit the headlines in the west, other minor ones in Africa and the recent Arab spring events have been dealt with for the most.

Whenever Old Knudsen hears about a bus or rail crash his first thought is, I wonder if it's an assassination on one person made to look like an accident and his second thought usually is could be containment or stock control of Operation dead eye his third thought is usually about midget porn or something.     

We all know about Prince Philip being a zombie since his death in 2011 RIP Prince Philip and we know that the US government with their CIA serum Prince Philip Still Dead have been keeping the rich and the famous alive for years. Kirk Douglas Dead

I also told you how big companies like Heinz manipulate you and start rumours of the end of the world to get cans of beans sold Con-sume

As Old Knudsen was counting his cans of beans this morning, the count was off BTW so we have a traitor amongst us ... no wait I had some last nite when I staggered home blootered.

I looked towards Obama's zombie breeding camp known as Florida.

Remember folks, it's passed via body fluids so if you catch a zombie for fucking, wear a condom.

I was doing my usual search on Google Earth and found Miracle Village. A little enclave in Florida that is home to a community of sex offenders and their families.

Set up by a Christian organization because as we know Christians are pedos,which explains the whole anti-abortion stance, they want sexy little children to be born into vulnerable families or put into the foster system so they can diddle them.

While it is pretty satisfying smashing in the head of a zombie .... or someone you might think will turn into one (you can't be too careful) wouldn't it be great to bash in the head of a zombie sex offender?
If in doubt of a person infected by the zombie virus: 

Slurred words, not making sense when they speak a glazed look on their face .... not able to understand simple concepts like loyalty to the Queen, very angry. They might be turning into walkers, get them before they fully turn. Zombie Fleggers

Get yer target practice in while you can. The US has disarmed most of Europe as that was their zombie serum testing ground before they started in Florida, Texas and Arizona... blowing faces off, good family fun, well done Jack yer the father of the year.  

Wait a minute, doesn't that target look like someone? Oh yeah, President of the US Morgan Freeman. Only in Florida would they build a village for sex offenders, next there will be a zombie village. Out in the open zombies flaunting themselves in public and destroying the sanctity of marriage etc etc.

Should walkers be allowed to marry?  The Bible says a man and a woman, it didn't say they had to be alive though.

Check out yer History channel, zombies have been about for centuries, Jesus made a few himself like Lazarus before he himself was infected by a dirty needle.
Did the CIA find the holy grail that contained the secret to eternal life .... as a rotting corpse but still alive huh? 

Oh fuck! a zombie with a social conscience. I call these mongs who just jump on a cause  Trendy Activists, aye ignore all the other bad shit because it isn't good looking enough, not the right colour or hasn't had enough TV coverage. 

Stay frosty my friends, zombies are among us. 

Prince Philip Dead-ish

Prince Philip was taken into hospital this week to have a complete blood transfusion. The Prince who will be 92 on Monday died in December 2011 and has been undead ever since.

Upon almost completing a tour of duty in Afghanistan in which he terrorized many and ate their flesh he complained that the bloody wogs were giving him the chocolate squirts.

He was rushed to a London clinic for the emergency blood change which is expected to keep him going for another few months. He is to be kept in a hospital on a raw sirloin steak and live street urchin diet for observation for at least two weeks.     

Why not just let him die? Having lost Bob Holness, Robin Gibb and David Jason recently, is Britain ready to lose yet another British icon?

A Whitehall think tank came to the conclusion that if Prince Philip was to die soon, the economy would collapse, we wouldn't be able to afford to keep Northern Ireland and would give it to the Irish government, we'd have to keep Scotland in the union by military force and that would leave us vulnerable to attacks from France and Spain.

May you be around for many years to come sir,we thank you for yer service.


   

Where Does It Go

Some silly bint saw a spooky face in her ultrascan and decided that it must be a guardian angel for the child. Yeah that looks like a protective guardian angel cos it's smiling. Maybe she should stop swallowing coins. Fuck there are some stupid people about.

Like wrestlers .... it's fucking rigged, if you come away covered in blood yer doing it wrong. Before his sex tape every time I saw Hulk Hogan I'd have PTSD flashbacks to yon TV he did Thunder in paradise where he had a speedboat that had more gadgets on it than James Bond's iPhone.

Now when I see him I think about him having sex and saying how he ate 10 minutes ago and stuffed himself like a pig. I think the only way Old Knudsen to have closure in his life is to kill Hulk Hogan.

It worked, Old Knudsen feels better now. Being a Timelord sure does have it's perks.

Speaking of the future, when the zombie apocalypse breaks out and if yer a bloke .... like me (but not so cool) and you haven't had a date in months so yer getting a little anxious. Then a hot zombie chick starts to lurch towards you moaning like a bored porn star.

What do you do? It's one of those moral dilemmas, like if you find a wallet full of money do you.

A: take the money and chuck the wallet.
B: take the money look for ID and order credit cards.
C: take money and hand the wallet into the police.
D: don't take any money and hand it all into the police. 


D was just my wee joke, of course you wouldn't do that ... Ok,  hot zombie chick and you have one in the chamber. Remember, she used to be a real live human being, with a family and maybe a poodle named Fizzy.





So I guess it's duct taping her mouth shut and tying her up then. I wonder if the zombie virus can be caught during sex, damn it! You never see that in the movies, it's always a slow shuffling walker creeping up on someone or just happen to grab their leg and take a bite out of them. Just like you never see Tom Cruise's character in a film on the run from cyborgs quickly duck into an alleyway for a shite and then have to take off a sock to wipe his bum with. 

John why is your skin kind of green? you've been seeing that zombie hoor behind my back haven't you?

Life after the apocalypse can be so unfair.

If you thought that Gary Busey was a creepy ass dude just wait until he gets bit by a walker and changes.
Imagine those teeth clamping doon on you.

Night Of The Comet

 

Is it a coincidence that when a comet flies over our skies a group of fleg waving zombies riot? I think not. 

Don't worry, none of this is sectarian, even if they try to bomb a Catholic chapel the protesters just want you to know it's not about religion. Their latest chant is probably satire, "What do we want? .... FLEGS ....... When do we want them? ........ WHEN ALL THE TAIGS ARE EXECUTED AND THE ENGLISH OVERLORDS STOP TELLING US WHAT TO DO.... SO NOW!!!"   Not very catchy. 

 

 Five police officers were injured but were not hospitalised. They started shuffling in an agitated manner only able to say, "Flegs" and "It's a discrace" they calmed doon when they were given their red white and blue security blankies.

 

Being a brainless zombie didn't stop yer Ma from her street walking business. In fact prostitutes have been using flags as a disguise to sell their bodies for dirty nasty messy sex. 

"Look" says the man in the silly hat, "I got me a fleg hoor."

 

Knudsen In Retrograde

After my night of so so carnal exploration with yon French bird Clair DeLune I raided her fridge and quietly slipped out while she was still snoring away. At least this one was still alive, I learn from me mistakes do I.
Having spider as a safety word wasn't too bright, "I don't care if you see a spider, yer bigger than it so it's more afraid of you now I just need to finish."

I stepped out onto the street and got my bearings, the town centre was that way. I should grab a loaf and a paper on me way home.

I walked past the usual flag protest with them shouting about being victims of oppression and how everyone was out to get them. I'd give a fuck but I gave them all to yon French bird last night.

It was a breezy day, the sun was glaring but giving off no heat but ... at least it was dry .... by nature we're a whiny lot, we complain about the weather, about our health and how my life is soo bad cos my neighbour poisoned my dog even though it wasn't my dog and how the fuck could I eat it now when it's full of rat poison? ..... then we do that uncharacteristic touch of optimism at the end where we look around and then say, "well at least it's dry" I bet if there was a Norn Iron person walking in the long line towards the ovens of Dachau concentration camp he'd look up and say, "at least it's dry"cos hey you wouldn't want to get gassed on a rainy day, that would be fucking depressing.

So I popped into the Spar and got me loaf and me paper, I always get the paper with the half naked gurl on the cover, why they put them on the top shelf is beyond me.

Getting to the lights to cross the road I push the button, aye theres always some cunt who thinks they are too cool to wait for the light and cross during any break in traffic, suddenly a large jeep pulled around the corner and stopped.

The man standing on top of it swung his 50 cal in my direction, screamed something that sounded either like Gaelic or Arabic and started firing.

As bullets bounced off the ugly but trendy art sculpture behind me I had to remember my military training, quick as a flash I dropped to the ground, lay in the fetal position and softly cried. My training had gotten me through Normandy, Vietnam and the Falklands conflict.

After the roar of the gun the silence had a high pitched ring to it only to be interrupted by the sound of the shocked and the dying.
I couldn't lie there in a puddle of piss all day so I got up my eyes darting around for the next threat but the jeep had gone.
Damn those dissident insurgent militants and their cowardly ways.

 Looking around for a rich person or a hot chick to selflessly help I saw something that chilled me very bones.

The dead were coming back to life and feeding off the living.  Damn, fuck, piss says I, how symbolic of a decaying socialist society can you get?

I started to slowly back away but they had seen me, they started to lurch towards me so I started to lurch away from them. I threw some live old people and children at them but it hardly slowed them doon at all.
Was this how Old Knudsen was to die after all this time? What would happen to his blog? Who would tell people what stupid twats they are?

Hey mate ya got a feg?

Just then a fire exit door opened to the side of me and a startled employee stepped out to get a crafty cigarette. I grabbed the fat wee fucker by the scruff of the neck and turfed him into the crowd of walkers.
They grabbed at me as I squeezed through the door pulling it shut behind me, I could hear the screams of the employee getting ripped apart and thought to myself, 'I'd love a ciggie right now.'

I looked doon and saw something that crushed my very soul, the loaf I had gotten was whole wheat, I wanted a normal non-ghey loaf of white bread, can they not have a section of bread for normal people?
I hadn't payed for the bread but that wasn't the point, it's hard enough to shoplift these days without them putting this shite in the way. The only thing for it was to go back to the Spar and complain to the manager.

Old Knudsen was pissed off, hungry and craving nicotine. He flung open the fire door and stared at a hundred soon to be well fucked up zombies ..... at least it was dry.   

Was Zombie Jack Bauer The Last Straw?

It is so written that on the third night after the Crucifixion eleven of the holy disciples were having a lock in which is an ancient ritual of David where you lock yourself inside a pub and imbibe great quantities of wine til dawn. Though all the doors were locked a figured appeared in the room. "Who are you? " shouted a startled Peter as he reached for his sword. Its not a lack of faith that Peter carried a sword, it just made him feel like a big man.

"It is I Peter the bloke that was nailed to that fucking cross all day, that was so not worth your sins."

The disciples looked at each other puzzled as they did not know the stranger.

"Um hello holes in the hands spear cut on the side , mum raped by God or so she said, any of this ring a bell? for fucks sake I pick the smart ones."

Sean known as John the lad yelled, "It is Jesus our lord has returned." and so they knew him.

"Now who is first to give old JC some head?" asked Jesus as he licked his decaying lips.

The door opened and in walked Thomas, "Look Thomas" exclaimed Mark "It is our lord Jesus back from death isn't this joyous and not at all creepy?"

Thomas looked with a frown on his face, "I doubt very much its Jesus it may look and sound like him but its not the long haired sandal wearing hippy you know, there is nothing of him left inside."

The disciples looked shocked, the figure in the room sighed, "Ok then if its proof you want, blessed are the.............."

In a fluid motion Thomas drew his sword and sliced off the mysterious figures head and then chopped and hacked at it until there was nothing left.
Thomas carried a sword not through lack of faith but because he isn't stupid which is why the Pope sits behind bullet proof glass.

The blood splattered disciples looked on in shocked silence.

"I just met Judas up the road , the fucker tried to eat my brains besides no way was I going to listen to all that blessed are everyone except Thomas shite again."

"What happened to your arm Thomas?" asked Luke known as slick dick cum bucket as he glanced at a bloodied rag wrapped around the arm of Thomas.

"That bastard Judas bite me, it should heal ok it just itches though"


Zombie Jack Bauer and his insult dog Mohammad

And so it is written somewhere at the back that if a zombie bites you then you shall not turn the other cheek but shall turn into a zombie yourself .

In the time of Solomon did he write: Remove the head and destroy the brain .



.

The Last Willing Testicles

Soren L Knudsen otherwise known to millions as Old Knudsen passed away violently in his sleep at 9.42am this morning.

A man who was always ready to aid a stranger and forever had a smile and friendly word for anyone from any walk of life.

Shy about the constant charity work he did he has often been compared to Jesus or Bill Gates. He even had a Soren and Melinda Gates Foundation and some times Bill would join in but usually he just liked to watch.

"I knew a black person once, he made such an impression on me that I complained to the cinema manager and got him thrown out for yelling comments to the characters in the movie. From then on I resolved myself to help all nig-nogs, wogs and slitty eyes throughout the world, poor whitey ain't trendy my friend." --- Zurich world aid conference 1991.

Old Knudsen's will and estate reads as follows:

Being of sound mind and firm body I give away my worldly goods in order to pass through the camel's eye.

To Mago I leave the book: Why the Germans Lose at War. I wish him well applying for the Franconian navy as Roger the cabin boy.

To the Troll I leave my own book that I have written How to write an interesting blog and be funny. I really hope he reads it or stops blogging.

To Tachae I'm sending up a crate of frozen sperm and a turkey baster as I want her to have my babies, the crate of crabs is free.

To Heff I'm sending two very large man to ensure he goes to his AA meetings, its fer yer own growth bro.

To leah I'm sending a Menorah with those trick candles that won't blow out to amaze and impress her bearded friends and thats just her gurlfriends ................. ka-chow! Jewish slap doon from beyond the grave.

To Istvanstnski I never got to know you enough to learn how to spell yer name so I'm send you my underwear so at least you can get to know me better.

To Tony, I was going to invade Poland for you but that so been done so I've arranged a job for you slopping out animals for £ 1.50 an hour for 9 hours a day. Don't worry only the minimal of English is required.

To the faceless commenter I leave you my scorn. My body just cannot process New world foods.
Oh sorry I meant to say corn.

To Dai I leave my Heckler and Koch P2000 SK if yer man enough to pry it from me cold dead rectum.

To Shannah I leave some advice, " Do unto others quickly and brutally before they even look at you" Yer way too nice for the Interweb.

To First Nations I leave my collection of fungal creams, something is bound to work.

To Manuel the Gordon Ramsey pictures in which he rode you like a fucking donkey and I leave you some Gillette razors.


But who will get the cap of 1000 miracles?

Should Old Knudsen cut it up into 1000 pieces and give a miracle to each?

Donn, I'm sorry that my love drove you and yer family into witness protection you can have my Harley Davidson. Imagine a bloke with the same name as the motorbike. Feed him every other day and only bland food.

Boxer you shall be sent my coat of 101 dog skins because you like doggies so much, guess what dog they cum from, I really hope yer an autumn.

Now MJ, my crazed disciple that did indeed go out and kill 14 homeless men in my name before she knew I was kidding. If the cap got into to yer hands all manner of evil may happen so I give you season tickets for Disney stars on ice, yes they really are famous and dead.

For those I miss out I just want to say I never liked you but thanks for reading sporadically anyway and why is yer life not all about me? Oh I never answered yer comment once or 10 times? well fuck Old Knudsen side-ways if you read my fucking blog you'll see I have/had a life, um except it was blogging ................... oh fuck off you logical cunt.

The cap goes to my son from my 19th marriage Rodney Knudsen. His mother Beth Knudsen nee Knudsen would be so proud.
Rodney is a pastor up in Portland Oregano in the Cross burning righteous sons of Jesus temple of doom church.

He may think the Holocaust was self inflicted if it even happened and though he doesn't have anything against niggers and other inferior races as he puts it ............... hold on a mo its the full moon.


It looks like Old Knudsen will be back ............................ again.

I'm too old for this shit but I do enjoy a good shit and brains.

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Protection Isn't For The Weak

Ever just see someone and go yuck I wonder what kind of diseases they have? Here is a list of people that if you had to have sex with to save puppies or for free food or free puppies as food you'd want to wear a full body condom of some kind.


Ron Jeremy or any porn star in general.


The Troll. Yes this is really him.

British pop star Robbie Williams . His sweat will give you a STD.

Iggy Pop and Madonna. Look how scared Jason Timberland is, I bet he burned his clothes afterwards.

Britney Spears and Colin Farrell. Or walking herpes as they are called.


Creepy goat guys that show their packages to young gurls.


The Pope cos you know he wouldn't wear a condom.

Bear Grylls, I wonder what parasites live inside him.


George Clooney he sticks his dick into every woman alive dumps them and is still beloved.


Mel Gibson he sticks his dick into every woman alive and did you know sugar tits that the Jews start all the wars? Well what can you expect they started out as Arabs its that latin temper you know.

Courtney Love how is she still alive and what exactly does she do?

Donald Trump I just don't like the slimy con man fucker.

These two blokes/bears, you just don't know what lives in those hairs. Have the one on the right washed, shaved and sent to my tent!


I don't know who this silly looking lad is but I'm sure yer mother warned you about fellas with 'rape' on their belt buckles.


Zombies I know you can get it from their blood but what about sex? If a hot chick became a zombie would it be safe to keep her as a sex slave?

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