The Death Of Satire

After a hectic morning session of CrossFit Body Combat Zumba-acise in which I pressed 3 benches and a werk top I sat doon to log onto Facebook with my detox shake of rabbit liver and kiwi fruit to post that I been to the gym. As you know 96% of my posts are how I exercised or how my bowel movement went that week ... me stomach is bubbling by the way, I expect a detox any moment and it's gonna be messy.

But I was unable to post about it so will it have really happened? Ach sure I can post about it on my numerous fake backup Face Book accounts, on Instagram, Twitter and even on Tinder. (no idea why I get no dates from that site) I can even pin my bowel movements onto Pinterest but it isn't the same.

The reason why I can't post onto Face Book ....
     

I can sign in and LIKE comments but I'm like a ghost on my own page, not able to comment to my friends or my pet German troll. I have some Atheists on my friends list, without my guidance and morals they may commit murder or something.

What did I say that was so bad that I was blocked? Did I call for a race war or support breast feeding? Facebook really does not like the breast feeding.

On a friend's page he had an anti-BBC petition accusing them of bias. Well of course they are biased as they are State run, like RT but with better marketing.

One of his friends made a comment that said 'the Arab industry' I take it he meant the media in the Arab world but didn't have the words to make complete sense. Not everyone are werdsmiths like what Old Knudsen is.

You know Old Knudsen, it doesn't take much amuse him so he went with it and commented.

"Are there factories that make Arabs? We need to bomb those." 

Well I thought it was funny, not a big break away hit funny but funny enough. It was more an ironic anti-war statement than just pure fun but I guess who ever reported me just didn't get it.

Ach the rules of engagement are that if someone says something stupid you then have the right to mock them
for it.

 This is for you Facebook.

I have no regrets, the world will be missing a hero for social justice for a few hours but it's the weekend and nothing happens at the weekend. Dumb people will be dumb but they'll still be dumb tomorrow and the day after.

Let this be a reminder that all those people from 2015 that took offense over every single thing will still have those sticks up their arses this year. 

The Conspiracy Archives

So yeah there is so much butt hurt online these days. Every paranoid teenager with a Facebook page freaking out because you have a differing opinion than them.

One such page called 'The Conspiracy Archives' which has 120 thousand likes but of course never that many commenting or liking each post.... Must be fake accounts and government lurkers.

Old Knudsen made some innocuous comments, the kind that other crazy pages like Willie Fraser would ban you for, ones that question the reality of the situation. I thought everything was cool, they must get people that don't believe half their crazy shit all the time right?

Then I got a comment from the administrator saying how I needed to do some research because everything I've ever said on the page has been wrong and that they were sick of it.


Wow, imagine that, I've been wrong my whole life and this person who is right just um put me right.

Then I agreed with someone else who totally tore them a new one and called them on their bullshit and the next day I wasn't able to make comments anymore FUCKING NAZI GERMANY!!!!!

I wasn't trolling yet my freedom of speech was taken away, I feel so violated. Luckily I enjoy being violated.

 Violate this!

So I went on another account and commented and that was me done. Their page isn't interesting enough to stay on if I can't comment and call bullshit. My life doesn't revolve around them and yes I was surprised that my comments got singled out and even remembered ..... I feel so special cos I never gave them a second thought until now. 

So to update my knowledge, 9/11 was an inside job because jet fuel cannot melt steel beams. I was sure that it can turn the beams and rivets to putty which would then weaken the structure and gravity would do the rest but that doesn't fit so I must be wrong.

Building 7 at the World trade center was dodgy though and I find it hard to believe that could collapse due to minimum damage and office fires, I'd blame that one on the likes of Cheney as the Bush admin were not smart enough to perpetrate 9/11 but they were smart enough to make it work for them..... but of course I'm wrong.

I thought that fluoride in the drinking water at low controlled doses was beneficial ... of course at high doses like most other things it's harmful. Fluoride is found naturally in water and in parts of the world can be found at dangerous concentrates. Some governments add it to water to prevent tooth decay.

According to the Conspiracy Archives it can be used for anything from mind control, giving you cancer and mental retardation and depending on what day of the week it is it may even cause shooting sprees.

Well that's me schooled. Except that Northern Ireland doesn't have fluoride added to the water and there is a load of cancer about, mental retardation or just a lot of very thick people and ready to fight and riot at a moments notice. They'd shoot you if they had the guns.

Ach I must be just wrong. What is the point to having such insight, wisdom and experience if I don't get it right? .... imagine a frowny face here cos I just can't be arsed to do one. Me confidence is all gone.

Don't vaccinate yer kids because they put mercury into the vaccines that causes autism ... since 2001 all vaccines for under 6 year-olds have been thimerosal free... Actually the MMR and IPV Vaccines have never contained thimerosal but you don't want facts getting in the way of a good scare. The MMR etc are live virus' and thimerosal would like kill it.  

Some flu jabs may contain trace amounts but since the flu jab is well dodgy and doesn't always werk thanks to evolution Old Knudsen doesn't do that one. FUCK YER FLU JAB!

The page admin did not like me asking why this is still an issue if they don't add it anymore and put up links that probably said they did .... no doubt written by Jim Carey MD but I'm fed up with nutters using sites that look like real news or science sites that talk jargon and whose links are mostly dead or don't go where they say they go to. 
READ ALL ABOUT HOW VACCINES CAUSE AUTISM IN THE LANCET .... and it gives you their subscription page, yeah nice try. 

Of course the FDA, CDC and WHO websites are all lies so you can't go by what they say. 

So vaccines cause autism even though there is no proof but a discredited scientist looking to get published said so and parents who only noticed their kids were autistic when they started speaking said so ... Got it.

If Old Knudsen had a dollar for everytime he is wrong (according to the virgin teenager stoner admin of this page) he'd be rich bitches, at least $5.

 Bob Marley smoked marijuana ... now he's dead. 

I didn't even get into the whole, 'marijuana cures everything' crap, of course stoners are going to say this.

I loved the recent story of a vet with PTSD was arrested for growing pot because his state hadn't legalised it. He had been to Callyfornia and had weed there and so wanted some .... for his health of course so he grew 6 plants.

Maybe he shouldn't have chased his wife with a kitchen knife forcing her to call the cops. PTSD doesn't make you stupid and doesn't make you break laws but some stupid law breakers may have PTSD. He'll get better healthcare in prison anyways.      

Yes, this page is that dumb.

Anti-depressants makes you kill people .... I've been on so many different types until I found one that suited me and throughout those years I had never gone on any killing sprees. Hobos hunts are different, that's sport and we eat what we kill. 

The problem is when people aren't on them or are doing well and think they no longer need to be on them and stop taking them. Then you have real health issues like Schizotypal personality disorder that James Holmes has and that could lead to Schizophrenia, Cho may have had schizophrenia, Jared Loughner has been diagnosed as a paranoid Schizophrenic and  Adam Lanza was Autistic and we don't know what else because his mom home schooled him and had him avoid getting healthcare help. 

It's easy to pick a common denominator and decide that is the reason if you can't see the whole picture. They are all males under 30 with mental health issues and easy access to guns but no, it's the anti-depressants, silly me. 

It is funny, until you find out what they actually think.

Why do I go on such pages? Why do I friend nutters? .... Life is an experience and the very odd time you might be pleasantly surprised. Not this time though.

This page is like a nerd you meet at a party and they say something really whacky and far out there that you laugh, then you realise that they aren't laughing and that it wasn't a joke. You are stunned but can't say anything because yer brain is stuck doing double takes. 

When the page called anyone who joined the military murderers I knew that this was a special type of asshole whose opinion mattered nout. 

You know what? On the very remote off chance that Old Knudsen has been wrong about anything well if this is right then I really don't mind being wrong. I'll be one of the sleeping sheeple rather than the anxiety ridden paranoid wuss who is overly sensitive to criticism, when you keep repeating, "this is not debatable" that doesn't mean yer right, that means you can't see that you may be wrong.

And that my lad is not debatable.

  

Drone Strike Kills Facebook User

 

Jay Arnold sat alone drinking in his single bedroom apartment in New Jersey, he watched Fox news because he likes to stay well informed.
After a piece about foodstamps that claimed that 87% of foodstamp recipients are fat, lazy criminals he went to his laptop and signed in to Facebook.
He couldn't take out his frustrations on his ex wife and that cunt Jeff who had replaced him as the father of his children so he looked for a meme that insulted foodstamps users ... an easy target for his passive aggressive impotent rage.

Why was Jeff sooo fucking perfect anyways? 

2,000 miles away at a secret location airman Wallis a drone operator had time to look at Facebook on his phone. In a moment of anger he diverted an armed drone patrolling the Texan skies north to New Jersey and fired 2 hellcat missiles into Arnold's apartment.

"I just saw red, my momma got ill and lost her job and home, she needs foodstamps just to survive as her new part-time cleaning job doesn't pay much. My wife and I also require food assistance, we go to the Operation Homefront pantry, sure it feels like begging and is embarrassing but we have a son with special needs and live paycheck to paycheck, we know many other military families and veterans struggling to put food on the table and gas in their cars. We don't need ass-hats like Arnold making us feel even worse, I don't even know why we're friends on Facebook, if I knew him in real life I'd probably punch his smug condescending face in, I have no regrets!"   

Don't feed them or they become dependent ... like animals at a park. 

The number of serving military and veterans needing food assistance continues to increase. When you insult foodstamp recipients ... that's people who are poor enough to qualify as it isn't a fucking luxury lifestyle choice, you are insulting the people that defend yer freedom to be a loud mouthed bragging dickhead and you are also insulting their families, friends and many sick and disabled people .... you feel like a big man now Arnold? Just remember, there are plenty of drones out there for all the other patronizing, judgmental, know nothing asswipes.




     

Non-Stop Stupid

Liam Neeson is probably the best export that Northern Ireland has ever had. Unlike the Titanic he hasn't sunk (to be fair it was an Englishman driving it) and unlike our sports stars like George Best and Hurricane Higgins he didn't end up a junkie alcoholic that shone for 15 minutes before ruining everything.
I'd mention Rory McIlroy but his success is still to be seen, anyone can have a few good golf games and then just fail .... eh Tiger?

Neeson seems to be a nice fella, he hasn't been found to be a rapist or pedo yet and the poor man lost his wife so we're inclined to like him. Though like every other successful person here he did fuck off to live elsewhere but he has returned and now promotes Northern Ireland as a tourist destination, "Northern Ireland, come visit on your way to somewhere nice."  

I think he has come to realise that he isn't the world's greatest of actors and even though he's getting on a bit they'll still pay him a shitload to star in films. The movie roles he chooses seem to be tough action roles that don't require too much thinking from the audience.

Most of his movies now look like they are a part of the Taken franchise. Look frantic on the phone and then some close quarter fighting before almost emotionally falling apart but not quite because his acting range doesn't cover full retard.  

I just watched Non-stop, if Taken 1,2 and 3 are yer kind of movie then watch this. It is also similar to his flick Unknown in which you have to figure out who the enemy is. Old Knudsen likes and dislikes this kind of film because of me natural paranoia I'm shouting at the telly accusing everyone. I guessed wrong but I wasn't really trying .... I was distracted by his powerful performance eerily similar to all his others.  
 

The usually iconic imagery of the slow-mo shoot out is used.

An alcoholic paranoid man from Northern Ireland gets onto a plane .....  that's enough about me. Liam Neeson gets on too, he's an alcoholic Air Marshal born in Belfast. So far it's believable, just ignore the fact that he's 62. They always die the hair of the older leading men like Perice Brosnan and Roger Moore to make them look, not younger but like old men with died hair.     

Some one sends him texts saying they will kill people on board unless money gets put into their account.
Neeson's character Bill is grieving the loss of his daughter who died from leukemia, he's drinking too much and doesn't give a fuck. He's the perfect patsy to blame an air hi-jack on. I lost count of how many times he was relieved of duty from a superior on the ground but this is Liam fucking Neeson, he'll smoke in the plane's toilet and he'll duct tape who the fuck he wants to.    

While he's trying to control the situation in the plane and find the bad guy or girls, Fox news like channels are making him out to be a psycho nut job, even complaining that he isn't US born but is allowed to have a gun and badge on a plane .... He's from Northern Ireland, he might even be in the IRA says one.

Except the IRA don't have the balls for such a thing, they hide in the shadows and try to blow people up while at a safe distance. Stoopid America panic news.... oh and Obama wants yer guns and to give illegal immigrants benefits and citizenship, especially Muslims . 

Why did I do a post about Liam Neeson? because I'm trying to cope with a lot of stupid online. I can't even go onto Facebook without having my daily dose of stupid givin to me within the first 5 minutes.

Do these people who talk about revolution just like Timothy McVeigh and the Vegas shooters did really need to have guns? Why can't the Fox news Duck dynasty loving morons see that their ideals are shared by scumbag murderers?

People who agree with Sheriff Joe Arpaio .... AND IN CAPS TOO! Have to have mental illness issues, they also no doubt think that Donald Trump is a sane intelligent person too. Yes lets listen to one of the most self entitled racist bigots there are, I bet he knows what he's talking about.

The Mexican border is a fucking war zone that makes Afghanistan look like a holiday in the sun. The military and the police are too shit scared to go near it. Who would clean up the mess they'd make in their shorts?

"It's easier to hate people for what they are than actually address and fix the problems in life."  ~ Old Knudsen.
Yes the Israelis are killing innocent people quit yer crying, I don't see you so outraged at the hundred other atrocities happening this week. People ignoring education and healthcare needs but focusing on the 2nd amendment, immigrants, parading or idiot soccer .... oh look a video on animal torture, I'll never eat chicken ever again but if I LIKE this status update I can stop child soldiers in Africa.

Did we ever bring our gurls home? oh that's right, everyone lost interest.  

 David Icke's name in the corner should clue you into the crazy.

This is one of the latest that I hate. An F-35 costs $122 million, $98 million for a cheaper Hornet so I'm wondering where the $600,000 figure came from and the same people that post shit like this constantly complain about welfare entitlement so make up yer minds.

 Another version.

I know a nice cuntry called Saudi Arabia who'll buy it if yer interested, since arms dealing is perfectly acceptable now.  Is this just one $600,000 house for all the homeless? that's Hilary Clinton dead broke homeless yer talking.

Why not just give jets to the homeless? Obviously since they are refusing to go to the welfare office for help because of their mental issues or addiction issues give them all a jet and watch their faces light up as they light up the town with rockets. 

See what I mean about stupid? Lets sell guns (maybe to Mexico) for cancer research.


Hence my Liam Neeson post. I can't punch these people in the throat and they'll never see sense so I'll post about good working class movies for people who like a drink and to fantasize about being a hero.

I don't want to spoil the movie too much but it's Old Knudsen who is the movie's bad guy .... well I see my character as a patriot and the good guy. Like many patriots before me I believe in blowing innocent people up and killing them for my cause.   

Neeson can kill people, survive a plane crash, get over losing his child, save the day and still have time for a little romance.
If you ever lose someone, kill some people on a passenger airliner to help you move on ... oh and it makes you horny too.

Go on ye boy ye!






 

Facebook Has Magic Powers

Twice I've seen a picture like this on Facebook, seriously people? So you think that this is how God who created the stars the earth and bacon works?

God is waiting with his stopwatch and as soon as you read this and if you repost it he'll cure yer cancer or make yer lotto numbers cum up. If you take longer than 2 minutes he'll get pissed off at you and yer dog or cat will die? If you don't post at all will he send a plague to wipe out the town you live in?

Why the fuck do people pray then? Hey just go onto Facebook for yer special God bonus, are you friends with God on Facebook? he gives you free shit if you are. 

Why did mommy have to die?  well little Timmy it's because she wasn't a good person and just kept scrolling.

If you were a true Christian you'd be praying for someone else because you should already know that God is looking out for you.

Heres a big secret.

The NSA watch what you are doing online, not God. They are seeing if terrorists log on to porn sites in order to tell everyone and make them look bad.

God hates you and avoids yer hoose because Jenny up the road is far more interesting, shes getting those numbers tonight, she reposted and did one of those hearts on it which shows she really does believe.

God can be everywhere at once ..... doesn't mean he is though, could be 'if he wanted to' but yer life bores him.

Now on to the huge favour .... sorry favor.  Did yer hoose catch fire in the middle of the night and kill everyone? Was yer granny knocked doon on her way to bingo? Did you find out yer husband was having an affair? ....... yer fucking welcome.   

Many people struggle through life with illnesses or problems that you don't know about or can see. They are probably barely holding their shit together until you opened yer big fat mouth. Post this onto yer status for one hour if someone flew off the handle at you for no reason. I know many of you won't post this ..... thats because yer a cunt!

If you do post this within 2 minutes I will kill one person of yer choice. Post now while stocks last.

Big Mouth Strikes Again

The chess game that is Northern Ireland parades continues. The problem is that the DUP can't play chess.
DUP politician Ruth Patterson made a Facebook comment on how attacking a Republican parade and killing several key people might do Northern Ireland a service.

Firstly saying that isn't very professional, one thing Ruth Patterson can never be accused of and secondly there is always someone on FB waiting to report you.

Patterson a staunch supporter of the Loyalist cause who screams out No Surrender! every time she pinches off a loaf in the toilet surrendered and apologised.

What do you call a fatal plane crash involving all the members of Sinn Fein and the DUP, PUP and TUV ? ... a good start.

We need to get rid of all the bigots, not just shift the balance of power. The Orange Order and DUP etc continue to make themselves look bad, Sinn Fein has to bide it's time and stay out of the news so control yer dissidents!

While people like Ruth Patterson has power there will never be a shared future ... something that the DUP and Sinn Fein don't want anyway.

I Don't Care

In the beginning I was conflicted about people who were actually dumb enough to use their real names for blogging and the sort. I thought well these people are obviously not going to cause any waves and their lives are such open boring books with none of the security issues of terrorists, evil family or mean co-workers and are as tame as Ned Flanders never saying, "cunt, wank, pish, shit, rimjob motherfucker up the bum no babies I'll rape yer cat ."

Then they join Facebook, a free social network invented by a drunken student. Old Knudsen wonders that when they set up email accounts and the such do they give their real details? You could if you wanted to give Facebook a lot of details depending on yer stupidity but why would you, zip /postal code? what about Beverly Hills 90210 thats one of my favs to use and such a great show full of angst.


Its like when a policeman stops you and asks yer name do you give him yer real name or bluff it? Yes Old Knudsen doesn't walk about with ID or any identifying labels on his clothes, ' old habits die hard and live free' you may find my Mum/Dad tattoos but I don't include their names.

I do have a scrap of paper with my real name and details on it somewhere as ever since the weapon X experiments my memory ain't too sharp.

I give Facebook fuck all info they can use even the truth is based on a lie and the lie is wrapped up in an enigma covered in salad cream which is as we all know pourable sunshine.
Old Knudsen is in control not Facebook. Really I don't give a fuck what I tell them .

Now you have people all over the place complaining about phishing and information selling, here is a tip: Don't use yer real name, date of birth and if anyone asks for yer phone number then tell them to fuck off.
Why all the yapping Facebook is free, no its not going to start charging as all the groups say, that is a panic rumour as confirmed by snopes.com if ya don't like it then stop using it.

Of course if you surf the web without virus protection and click on anything in sight then yer just a mong.

Sure computers get hacked and friends pass on virus' with those idiot send this to 5 friends or you die forwards but quit the fucking yapping no one is making you log on.

Hate Mail Yay!

So Old Knudsen defender of whatever needs defending saw this AOL story on Facebook about how the gheys couldn't get 700,000 signatures to get ghey marriage out in the voting booths again in Callyfornia. Remember when prop 8 in 2008 decided that, " Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."?

Support for prop 8 was heavily funded by the Mormon church/fad and many black voters also backed prop 8 swaying the vote against ghey marriage. So much for civil rights, MLK jnr ya failed.
This is the first I've heard about the petition and I firmly believe that all you meat sacks should have equality and even if I don't like you I shall fight for yer rights...... Of course pedos, Nazis, murderers and rapists should be destroyed, there are enough fucktards making trouble without that lot and they have given up their rights by their actions in my opinion.

So I got my first bit of Facebook hate mail from a Thomas Patrick who is a Colonel Sanders looking fucker holding a foo foo dog. He Joined Congrats America, Communists now Control Congress group and is a fan of The Colorado PT Cruiser Club and Moments in Bible Prophecy, a real deep thinker type.

The comments in the AOL post turned religious even though it was about a civil matter and knowing me I turned on me charm as usual, I did use the old 'Judge not, that ye be not judged' gem.
After I had judged they were all mongs of course and said so for taking the Bible literally.

My Facebook hate mail message was:

Mr when you wake up burning in hell, you will be a believer then. Sad to be such an unbeliever.

Old Knudsen believes in many Gogs so he has totally misjudged me. For Old Knudsen hell is other people and still being in America, yes I shall burn this summer.


My not well thought out reply was:


I believe, I believe yer a prick who will wake up in Heaven with a pedo priest wiping his knob on yer coat.


In Argentina 1965 Adolf Hitler begged for Gog's forgiveness and pished himself as he looked doon the barrel of my 1911 .45 cal pistol from the business end of it so he'll be up in Heaven too, what a flawed system it is.

Old Knudsen Stem Cells Himself

Does anyone remember this comic? I can remember thinking how lame V for vendetta was long before it made into a lame film. Yes I am a trend setter.

50p for this and it was full of talent those were the days. Now Alan Moore is a Hollywood sell-out. Watchmen indeed.

Speaking of talent I've got the front page on Pundit Kitchen with my piffy captions 3 times so far, that is the same number of times that I have lost the Irish Blog awards. I'm a little fish in a big pond but I shall conquer it more.
Not to put the cunting Irish Blog awards doon but I only entered to expose the bigotry of those from the north which can only be rectified by making me fucking well win, no not Manuel you cunts, me!

I have put up a link to the kitchen and have signed up on Twatter , yes Old Knudsen is current fresh and as self absorbed as the rest of you, now you can be more absorbed with me, go on absorb me. Friend me on Facebook or Cheeseburger or read my mostly ignored news blog.



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Yes it must be Friday.